Yesterday turned out to be a pretty great day. And I actually didn't end up crying.
Hubby and I tackled the patio area, digging up a bunch of half dead grass, and all the weeds growing in between the off kilter slate pavers. We had half a pick-up full of mulch, which we needed to make room for. We are all about minimizing grass to maintain.
It was hard work. I sweated, got over heated, but we finish the task. Just as we finished, the skies opened up and we got caught in the rain while putting away the garden tools.
And I laughed.
I love to get caught in the rain. I tried, unsuccessfully, many times last summer to get caught in the rain on an evening walk. It was the perfect way to cool off after hard work in the hot sun.
We still have to get some stone dust to spread in the cracks between the pavers, but it's not longer full of over grown weeds. It looks so much better. We had dinner with a few friends, and invited them back to enjoy our hard work with a fire in our new fire pit. It was nice to just sit and stare at the flames while they chatted. Fires are so mesmerizing — and I happen to come from a long line of pyros (on both sides).
It was good. I set out with a task in mind. Finished it (at least to a usable state) and enjoyed it, all in the same day. I'm going to try and focus on experiences like that for awhile, instead of some of the other thoughts that still fly through my head.
Like the fear of never being a mother, the inadequacy I feel as a woman, you know, typical infertile stuff like that. Like the fact that when some of you commented yesterday that I'm a strong person, my first thought was "are you crazy, do you know me? I don't feel strong at all!"
When the reality is, that I guess I am pretty strong. Because yesterday, I took care of myself. I tackled an important task, accomplished something that has been on my list of a long time...and then let myself enjoy it. And that, my friends, it usually the hardest part for me. I had also wanted to work on the table I'm going to paint. I didn't get to it. But I didn't feel like a failure, or unaccomplished because of it. It's a step in the right direction.
You sound just like me, tackle a project to get my mind off of things and move forward. I want to see pictures!
ReplyDeleteSounds like such a wonderful time! I second Bridget - I'd love to see pictures!
ReplyDeleteSee...sometimes you need to hear it (or read it) to see it!! I did the same thing yesterday...tackled projects. Besides feeling accomplished, it keeps my mind busy :)
ReplyDeleteYou are doing such a great job of trying to move past this. Far better than I could probably do.
ReplyDeleteI am keeping myself busy during this 2ww, just as you are for a different reason, but we are both still waiting to be parents.
Thank you for your encouragment and I hope to be your support in the next phase of your journey.
MissC
you are a strong woman and you will come out of all is this even stronger!!!
ReplyDeletetaking care of yourself and letting yourself feel what you feel is one of the hardest but best things you can do!! keep it up :)
That sounds like a great day!
ReplyDeleteI'm proud of you. Isn't it funny that when I got our negative news last week...I just wanted to dig in the dirt too. I've been doing it ever since...
ReplyDeleteBeen thinking about you since Friday and hoping that you're getting along okay. You're right - you are strong so keep on dancing in the rain!