Dad and I are on our way to Puerto Rico today, for a little babymoon! We are very much looking forward to a week of rest and relaxation in the sun. Boy could I use it. I am tired all the time these days. I hope that you inherit my love of the beach, and all things related to being in the water (oceans or pools) and not your dads fear of flying and general travel anxiety!
The biggest excitement of our week leading up to this vacation was that we go to see you, Violetta! Your little heart was beating away, flickering away like a blinking light. What a beautiful sight. And, you appear to be an over achiever already, measuring at one day ahead of schedule. So, according to the sonographer, you are due on October 13. I'm imagining many Halloween themed costume birthday parties in your future! Yes, I'm hoping you'll love Halloween as much as I do too.
This week you are a half an inch long, the size of a raspberry, a blueberry or a coffee bean. I'm thinking that could be an interesting ice cream flavor. We get to see you again when we are back from our vacation, and I can't wait to see how big you'll be then!
2.26.2012
2.24.2012
Randomness on a Dreary Friday
On this Friday before my week's vacation, bullet points are about all I can muster due to the vacation brain and the exhaustion. So, here ya go...
- Elphaba has decided to create a community for women who are Pregnant/Parenting after Infertility or Loss. (PAIL). Stop on by and check it out if you would like to know more. I think it's a great idea since so many of us struggle with how we fit in after that BFP. It might feel a bit early for me to sign up for such a thing, but I'm choosing to move forward with optimism that this pregnancy will result in a take home Violetta. I have no reason not to think so, right?
- Speaking of this pregnancy, man am I exhausted! I've been waking up three times a night to pee, having a hard time getting comfortable to sleep, mostly due to my shoulders which haven't acted up in awhile, and getting out of bed. Wow. It's hard.
- I feel not nauseous, but just gross, unsettled, heart burny most of the time. As long as I keep eating, chewing tums and sucking on ginger altoids, everything is fine. For the past few days, I have had to eat my cereal earlier in my morning routine than normal though, because everything was not going to be ok otherwise. Oh, and the burping is out. of. control!
- I am completely ecstatic that I even have the experience to need to write the above two bullet points!
- After a week of PIO, my hips are still so freaking itchy, I can barely stand it. Yesterday, I was in a team meeting, and I almost had to run to the bathroom just so I could pull my pants down and scratch. Seriously. Scratching through my pants just doesn't cut it.
- How early is too early for maternity pants? I was not a slender girl to begin with. On an average day, one might guess that I am four months pregnant anyway. The difference is that on an average day, I have the ability to suck it in! Trust me, this is no longer an option. I have one pair of jeans that still fits without some modification, and a few pairs of pants with elastic waist bands, and lots of dresses. But I am definitely struggling. It's a good think I'm on my way to the beach for a week where I will only really have to wear a nice stretchy bathing suit all day!
- I on my way to the beach on Sunday! We're off to Puerto Rico on a 5:30 am flight. We have to leave our house at 3:30. My god, what have we done? I'm trusting that the beach on the other side will be worth it. We're leaving so early because we have to drive about 45 minutes outside of San Juan to get to the resort, and most of the flights arrived after dinner. We didn't want to drive in the dark!
- I have a new favorite sandwich at my local deli. Yes, I am a submarine sandwich kind of girl. Born and raised on roast beef with russian. Yum! Giving up deli meats leaves me lacking in a serious way. But there is this sub on a french baguette...just veggies, all of them, cucumbers, roasted red pepers, pickles, olives, etc. with cheddar cheese and russian. I've had it three days in a row. Heaven .
- This has got to be enough randomness for anyone to read through today. Happy Friday all!
2.21.2012
One Perfect Little Flicker
Just a quick note to say that our ultrasound this morning went really well. The tech found everything right away, and we got to see Violetta's tiny little heart flickering away on the screen. She measured at 6 weeks 3 days, which is one day ahead, giving us a due date of 10/13. And her heart was going strong at 113. I'm still in disbelief, but it's pretty darn amazing!
2.20.2012
Tagged Again
I must be the slow kid on the playground or something, because it seems I am it again. This time I've been tagged by the lovely Miss Conception. Since I just did one of these, and tagged a bunch of you, I'm just going to answer Miss C's 12 questions and leave it at that this time. But, feel free to answer her questions as well in the comments if you are in the mood.
1. How long have you been with your significant other and where did you meet? Hubby and I are coming up on six years since our first date this March. We met online through Chemistry.com, an off-shoot of Match, which is personality matching site, similar to eHarmony, but not nearly as limiting in their population. it was pretty cool to see side-by-side comparisons of various personality traits.
2. What is your favorite restaurant and what do you get there? Hmm, I'm not sure I have one favorite restaurant these days. But, a meal that does stand out that I've probably had ever time I've been to this one particular place is enchiladas with mole sauce, with table side prepared guacamole as an appetizer from a place called Olé in Cambridge.
3. What do you wish you were better at? Putting stuff away. I am constantly feeling like my house is a mess and I can't keep up. But I know that a huge part of this problem is that I'm really bad a putting stuff away when I'm done with it. So, then I have to run around the house like a maniac every few weeks an battle all of the clutter I've created. Part of the problem, though, is that even though we've been here for a year and a half, we're still working on where exactly "away" is for all of our crap. Or maybe we just have too much crap.
I also wish I was better at making conversation with people I didn't know, like in a cocktail party setting. I am terrible at this! Terrible!
4. What do you like most about yourself? My creativity, and my silliness (though I do need to reclaim some of that light hearted silliness that has been squashed over the past few years). I love that my house does not look like the home of anyone else I know. It's quirky, and colorful, and me.
5. Where are you at in your journey to become a parent and what is a brief summary of your IF history? Six weeks pregnant, and freaking out about my ultrasound on Tuesday! It's been nearly three years since I threw away the bcps. Since then, after ten months trying naturally, we had a chemical pregnancy, and started seeking treatment shortly there after. That included 4 cycles of clomid (one natural, 3 with IUI), 4 cycles of injectables with IUI, one of which tried to convert to IVF and was ultimately cancelled, and 3 IVFs with no frozen embryos. So far it looks like the third time was the charm. I'm praying (if I do such a thing) that this remains the case. So, um, yeah, I consider myself a veteran in these parts.
6. If you could move to another country, where would it be? Italy because I love all things about Italy. Or maybe England, which is also a really cool place, and I could be closer to my little brother, sil, their daughter and son (coming in June...not sure I've told you all yet, I'm having a nephew!)
7. Who is your celebrity crush? Male and Female. Robert Downey Jr. and Thandie Newton. I kind of fell in love with her when she was on ER for awhile married to Carter. And, well, aside from the fact that I have a weakness for dark, tortured men, when Robert Downey Jr. sang River on Ally McBeal, that was it. I was done. And now, Iron Man and Sherlock Holmes. I can barely stand it!
8. What is your dream job? I would love to design stuff, like life stuff, housewares, wrapping paper, cards, fabric, etc. Like Martha, but not like Martha. More like this woman, Tricia Guild who's company is called Designer's Guild. She's kinda my idol.
9. What charity/cause would you give half your lottery winnings to should you win? Resolve, or other organizations that would either help fund infertility treatments, or lobby for insurance coverage for everyone.
10. Who do you miss? I miss my girlfriends. None of my close girlfriends live near by. The closest one is an hour away, and I get to see her about once a season. The others are much further. I don't really have someone to run out shopping with on a Saturday afternoon while Hubby has other plans. I used to have more local girlfriends, but the ditched me when I was too busy to hangout while completely my masters thesis. I wish some of you were closer.
11. What sound calms you or makes you happy? The ocean, the rain, a baby's laugh, jingle bells on a door knob that ring when the door opens (my grandparents had bells on the front door year round. that sound always makes me think of them)
12. Do you have a pet? If so, tell us about them. I have two cats that came with my Hubby. Siegfried and Roy. Ziggy is a gray tabby. I've never been a cat person, but I always love gray kitties. He is the sweetest, shyest boy. He lets me pick him up and rock him like he is my little baby. Roy is a little more aloof, and does not often put up with me shooshing him. I usually have to bribe him with treats to be able to pick him up, and then he'll squirm until I let him go. They are both very skittish as they were feral, but they are incredibly gentle and aggressive toward us (only each other on occasion!)
1. How long have you been with your significant other and where did you meet? Hubby and I are coming up on six years since our first date this March. We met online through Chemistry.com, an off-shoot of Match, which is personality matching site, similar to eHarmony, but not nearly as limiting in their population. it was pretty cool to see side-by-side comparisons of various personality traits.
2. What is your favorite restaurant and what do you get there? Hmm, I'm not sure I have one favorite restaurant these days. But, a meal that does stand out that I've probably had ever time I've been to this one particular place is enchiladas with mole sauce, with table side prepared guacamole as an appetizer from a place called Olé in Cambridge.
3. What do you wish you were better at? Putting stuff away. I am constantly feeling like my house is a mess and I can't keep up. But I know that a huge part of this problem is that I'm really bad a putting stuff away when I'm done with it. So, then I have to run around the house like a maniac every few weeks an battle all of the clutter I've created. Part of the problem, though, is that even though we've been here for a year and a half, we're still working on where exactly "away" is for all of our crap. Or maybe we just have too much crap.
I also wish I was better at making conversation with people I didn't know, like in a cocktail party setting. I am terrible at this! Terrible!
4. What do you like most about yourself? My creativity, and my silliness (though I do need to reclaim some of that light hearted silliness that has been squashed over the past few years). I love that my house does not look like the home of anyone else I know. It's quirky, and colorful, and me.
5. Where are you at in your journey to become a parent and what is a brief summary of your IF history? Six weeks pregnant, and freaking out about my ultrasound on Tuesday! It's been nearly three years since I threw away the bcps. Since then, after ten months trying naturally, we had a chemical pregnancy, and started seeking treatment shortly there after. That included 4 cycles of clomid (one natural, 3 with IUI), 4 cycles of injectables with IUI, one of which tried to convert to IVF and was ultimately cancelled, and 3 IVFs with no frozen embryos. So far it looks like the third time was the charm. I'm praying (if I do such a thing) that this remains the case. So, um, yeah, I consider myself a veteran in these parts.
6. If you could move to another country, where would it be? Italy because I love all things about Italy. Or maybe England, which is also a really cool place, and I could be closer to my little brother, sil, their daughter and son (coming in June...not sure I've told you all yet, I'm having a nephew!)
7. Who is your celebrity crush? Male and Female. Robert Downey Jr. and Thandie Newton. I kind of fell in love with her when she was on ER for awhile married to Carter. And, well, aside from the fact that I have a weakness for dark, tortured men, when Robert Downey Jr. sang River on Ally McBeal, that was it. I was done. And now, Iron Man and Sherlock Holmes. I can barely stand it!
8. What is your dream job? I would love to design stuff, like life stuff, housewares, wrapping paper, cards, fabric, etc. Like Martha, but not like Martha. More like this woman, Tricia Guild who's company is called Designer's Guild. She's kinda my idol.
9. What charity/cause would you give half your lottery winnings to should you win? Resolve, or other organizations that would either help fund infertility treatments, or lobby for insurance coverage for everyone.
10. Who do you miss? I miss my girlfriends. None of my close girlfriends live near by. The closest one is an hour away, and I get to see her about once a season. The others are much further. I don't really have someone to run out shopping with on a Saturday afternoon while Hubby has other plans. I used to have more local girlfriends, but the ditched me when I was too busy to hangout while completely my masters thesis. I wish some of you were closer.
11. What sound calms you or makes you happy? The ocean, the rain, a baby's laugh, jingle bells on a door knob that ring when the door opens (my grandparents had bells on the front door year round. that sound always makes me think of them)
12. Do you have a pet? If so, tell us about them. I have two cats that came with my Hubby. Siegfried and Roy. Ziggy is a gray tabby. I've never been a cat person, but I always love gray kitties. He is the sweetest, shyest boy. He lets me pick him up and rock him like he is my little baby. Roy is a little more aloof, and does not often put up with me shooshing him. I usually have to bribe him with treats to be able to pick him up, and then he'll squirm until I let him go. They are both very skittish as they were feral, but they are incredibly gentle and aggressive toward us (only each other on occasion!)
2.19.2012
Six Weeks
Well Violetta, the sixth week of my pregnancy with you has been pretty uneventful. Aside from Valentine's Day on Tuesday, it was really just a week, like any other week, except for the fact that the phrase "I'm pregnant" passed through my mind on repeat every few hours. It is still a very surreal experience.
Speaking of Valentine's Day, Dad and I went to one of our favorite restaurants for dinner after work that night. It's just a simple Mexican chain, Margarita's. Sound familiar? After a few years out doing the fancy, yet somehow generic pre-fix reservations required Valentine's dinners, we've kept it simple the last few years. But, this year Dad surprised me with a beautiful bouquet of a dozen roses! I was very surprised, because he usually doesn't do flowers for this holiday, but instead just for random days throughout the year. (Which is actually pretty cool too). We had a lovely dinner, and had fun debating some names for you. Apparently, Dad thinks we really shouldn't name you something that means purple, even though I think it would be kind of perfect for a girl who is known far and wide for her love of the color!
Other than that, we've made a fair amount of progress on restocking our office after the painting project that we took on right before we found out about you. We need to get your room ready to turn into a nursery, so our plan all along has been to add the guest room function to the office, and to neaten things up by putting in some closed storage so we don't have to look at all the piles of crafting and computer supplies all the time. See, you're room is looking much emptier, (relatively speaking), don't you think?
Speaking of Valentine's Day, Dad and I went to one of our favorite restaurants for dinner after work that night. It's just a simple Mexican chain, Margarita's. Sound familiar? After a few years out doing the fancy, yet somehow generic pre-fix reservations required Valentine's dinners, we've kept it simple the last few years. But, this year Dad surprised me with a beautiful bouquet of a dozen roses! I was very surprised, because he usually doesn't do flowers for this holiday, but instead just for random days throughout the year. (Which is actually pretty cool too). We had a lovely dinner, and had fun debating some names for you. Apparently, Dad thinks we really shouldn't name you something that means purple, even though I think it would be kind of perfect for a girl who is known far and wide for her love of the color!
Other than that, we've made a fair amount of progress on restocking our office after the painting project that we took on right before we found out about you. We need to get your room ready to turn into a nursery, so our plan all along has been to add the guest room function to the office, and to neaten things up by putting in some closed storage so we don't have to look at all the piles of crafting and computer supplies all the time. See, you're room is looking much emptier, (relatively speaking), don't you think?
As for me, I'm feeling mostly fine, but definitely extremely exhausted. Your dad is a rock star and has been getting dinner ready most nights while I take a little nap after work. Yesterday I too two naps, and went to bed at 9:00pm! My stomach is a little off here and there, and I'm eating lots of small snacks as well as loving tums and ginger altoids. And, over the last few days, I've begun to notice that I've developed some butterfingers. Yes, I keep dropping things for no reason at all.
And you, my dear, I am told are now 1/4" long, the size of a pea, a blueberry or a lentil depending on who you ask, and depending on whether or not your blueberries come from Maine I guess. You're something like 10,000 times bigger than your were four weeks ago on the day you were conceived! We will finally get to see you on Tuesday, and I am counting down the minutes, or hours anyway. Less than 48 to go! Thank goodness we have Monday off for Presidents' Day. I'd never make it through that day at work. Can't wait to see you baby! I love you so much already.
2.17.2012
Open Sesame
Or should I say inject sesame since this is what Hubby and I have been doing nightly for nearly the past three weeks. Yes, I think I may have mentioned that we elected to do intramuscular progesterone this cycle as opposed to the crinone of the two previous cycles. It was a recommendation of the second opinion, and since we had never tried it, we were willing to give it a go. Hubby was amused and a little wary of the fact that the chosen oil was sesame oil. He and his best friend love to put hot sesame oil on their Asian food. He was worried it would be spicy and burn!
It's been going fairly well so far. We've been following a pretty strict process which I am going to tell you about in great detail in hopes that will help those of you who are lucky enough to follow behind me. First, I heat up the vial and my butt cheek with a heating pad (careful that the heating pad is only hitting my butt, and not my back, and is not overly warm since we don't want to cook the babies.) A nurse recommended sticking the vial in my bra, which worked for awhile, but was starting to take too long. We're also careful not to heat the oil up too much, because let's face it, injecting hot oil into your ass would not be very pleasant. But, warming the oil makes it much more viscous, and therefore it flows much more easily through the syringe, and through my muscles. The warm muscles also helps to keep the oil flowing so it doesn't pool up at the injection site.
Each night, we alternate sides from right to left. In addition to that, Hubby has sharpied out 4 dots on each side of my butt. If you imagine the upper outter quadrant of your butt as a clock, think of dots at 12, 3, 6, and 9. Each night, we go from left to right, and around the clock, so that I don't get an injection in the same place for 8 days. Hubby always puts on a fresh needle after drawing the oil into the syringe. It gets dulled when it goes through the rubber stopper in the vial, and dull syringe into ass equals pain! He then pulls the skin very taught before sticking the needle in. This has been very important as well. The few times he forgot....owwweeee!
After he withdraws the needle, he holds a gauze pad down on the area and massages with a lot of pressure for a good minute. This also helps the oil to disperse, and not form little knots under the skin.
Like I said, it's been going really well. No bruises, no knots, a little soreness now and then, But really, much better than I ever imagined. Until Tuesday, when the sides of my hips/butt like right along the leg of my underwear started to itch! There hasn't been a rash, just really itchy. Then, last night, I discovers a hive or two. Now, I've been an allergic person in the past, and usually when I get hives, there are many, not just one or too. So, I was really concerned. But, when we realized we were nearing the end of our needle supply and the bottom of our last vial of sesame oil was coming closer, I thought I'd better check with the nurse before spending money on the refill for the next 4 weeks.
Sure enough, she told me it sounded like an allergic reaction, and at this point, seeing as we made it the pregnancy, the would not recommend switching to a different type of oil. It's time to switch to crinone. I think I'm ok with that. I'm glad we glad we gave this a shot and got to do it for as long as we did. I think I mentioned that my RE thinks crinone is just as good as PIO—her studies have proven as much—but she did agree that sometimes doctors just have a feeling about something, so she was willing to let me try it. I'm a little paranoid, because I feel like we're giving up on the big guns, but since I finally felt what I consider real true border line nausea tonight after dinner, I'm maybe, just maybe starting to feel a glimmer of confidence. My stomach is also getting upset quite often these days, which hasn't been my norm of late, so it's a definite change. I'm wondering if that is one way morning sickness is taking a toll on me. I'd much rather sit on the toilet than hug it, so if that's the way it wants to continue, I'll take it! But man, was I excited to feel that little wave come over me tonight, even if it was brief, and immediately settled with a tums!
So, I guess that's the end of the injections for this cycle. I have a date with the gel in the morning.
It's been going fairly well so far. We've been following a pretty strict process which I am going to tell you about in great detail in hopes that will help those of you who are lucky enough to follow behind me. First, I heat up the vial and my butt cheek with a heating pad (careful that the heating pad is only hitting my butt, and not my back, and is not overly warm since we don't want to cook the babies.) A nurse recommended sticking the vial in my bra, which worked for awhile, but was starting to take too long. We're also careful not to heat the oil up too much, because let's face it, injecting hot oil into your ass would not be very pleasant. But, warming the oil makes it much more viscous, and therefore it flows much more easily through the syringe, and through my muscles. The warm muscles also helps to keep the oil flowing so it doesn't pool up at the injection site.
Each night, we alternate sides from right to left. In addition to that, Hubby has sharpied out 4 dots on each side of my butt. If you imagine the upper outter quadrant of your butt as a clock, think of dots at 12, 3, 6, and 9. Each night, we go from left to right, and around the clock, so that I don't get an injection in the same place for 8 days. Hubby always puts on a fresh needle after drawing the oil into the syringe. It gets dulled when it goes through the rubber stopper in the vial, and dull syringe into ass equals pain! He then pulls the skin very taught before sticking the needle in. This has been very important as well. The few times he forgot....owwweeee!
After he withdraws the needle, he holds a gauze pad down on the area and massages with a lot of pressure for a good minute. This also helps the oil to disperse, and not form little knots under the skin.
Like I said, it's been going really well. No bruises, no knots, a little soreness now and then, But really, much better than I ever imagined. Until Tuesday, when the sides of my hips/butt like right along the leg of my underwear started to itch! There hasn't been a rash, just really itchy. Then, last night, I discovers a hive or two. Now, I've been an allergic person in the past, and usually when I get hives, there are many, not just one or too. So, I was really concerned. But, when we realized we were nearing the end of our needle supply and the bottom of our last vial of sesame oil was coming closer, I thought I'd better check with the nurse before spending money on the refill for the next 4 weeks.
Sure enough, she told me it sounded like an allergic reaction, and at this point, seeing as we made it the pregnancy, the would not recommend switching to a different type of oil. It's time to switch to crinone. I think I'm ok with that. I'm glad we glad we gave this a shot and got to do it for as long as we did. I think I mentioned that my RE thinks crinone is just as good as PIO—her studies have proven as much—but she did agree that sometimes doctors just have a feeling about something, so she was willing to let me try it. I'm a little paranoid, because I feel like we're giving up on the big guns, but since I finally felt what I consider real true border line nausea tonight after dinner, I'm maybe, just maybe starting to feel a glimmer of confidence. My stomach is also getting upset quite often these days, which hasn't been my norm of late, so it's a definite change. I'm wondering if that is one way morning sickness is taking a toll on me. I'd much rather sit on the toilet than hug it, so if that's the way it wants to continue, I'll take it! But man, was I excited to feel that little wave come over me tonight, even if it was brief, and immediately settled with a tums!
So, I guess that's the end of the injections for this cycle. I have a date with the gel in the morning.
2.16.2012
Commenting - A Public Service Announcement
Hello all. I've noticed that many people have been complaining lately about having difficulty commenting on blogs. I have two thoughts:
1. Join Miss Conception in putting a stop to word verification. This is that annoying code you have to type in before you comment can be posted. Go to the comments tab in your settings and turn off this feature. I did it a year ago when she suggested it then, and have yet to receive a spam comment.
2. Try a different browser. I have found that every single time I've had trouble commenting it has been when I'm using Explorer. I use Safari at home and never have an issue. When I switched to Google Chrome at work, I have never had another problem. My guess is, this is intentional on the part of Microsoft as a way to mess with Google. Just sayin'. (I happen to think Microsoft is the devil!)
That is all.
1. Join Miss Conception in putting a stop to word verification. This is that annoying code you have to type in before you comment can be posted. Go to the comments tab in your settings and turn off this feature. I did it a year ago when she suggested it then, and have yet to receive a spam comment.
2. Try a different browser. I have found that every single time I've had trouble commenting it has been when I'm using Explorer. I use Safari at home and never have an issue. When I switched to Google Chrome at work, I have never had another problem. My guess is, this is intentional on the part of Microsoft as a way to mess with Google. Just sayin'. (I happen to think Microsoft is the devil!)
That is all.
2.15.2012
Book Two
A lot of bloggers question what to do with their blog after they get those two pink lines. It is a time of excitement and disbelief that our dreams might finally be coming true. It is a time of intense fear that they won't. It is a time of guilt, sadness for and a feeling of responsibility towards the community within which we write. It is a time of transition.
I have always known I would want to keep this blog going, and transition into life off the Island of IF (to reference Melissa Ford's book), to continue to document my journey through pregnancy and into motherhood. I'm not sure I thought this far ahead when I chose the title of my blog, but it does seem that it lends to longevity (unless of course, I have a boy in which case the title might have to change to Luigi Limoncello!) The word "Chronicles" implies a series of stories organized by chapters or books. I think the ttc phase was long enough to be considered a book in and of itself, so I'm going to consider this pregnancy the second book of the story.
Of course, I feel a tremendous connection, gratitude and responsibility to this community. I will always be a part of it. I truly believe that I couldn't have made it this far with out all of you. I know it's a really tough time for some of you out there, and you may want to stop reading or following. Trust me. I understand. Only days before my positive beta, I was thinking I might have to take a break from all of the pregnant and new mommy blogs that I've been reading for so long. But I have to tell you all, I was completely surprised that in the days after my BFP, I actually gained three followers. You ladies are amazing. I have since lost only one. And like I said. I get it. I don't even "follow" anyone I add to my reader anymore so I don't have to worry about hurting feelings if I decided not to anymore.
I think we are all well aware I am in the early chapters of Book Two right now. It's way to early to tell if this book will have a happy ending. (Please, oh please, let it! I can't even tell you all how nervous I am for my first ultrasound next Tuesday!) I still need you. I still need all the love, support and advice. I'm glad I've kept reading all of those who got off the island before me, hard though it's been at times. I've gathered so much valuable information about what to expect from pregnancy, labor and child birth, and early motherhood to help prepare me for the coming chapters.
And, I think I still have a lot to offer all of you. After 4 clomid cycles (1 natural, 3 IUIs), 2.5 injectable IUIs, 3 IVFs and a year in a Resolve peer group, I guess I have to consider myself somewhat of a veteran around these parts. One of the unanticipated benefits of starting this blog is the ability to share information that I've gathered on this journey in the hopes that it might help others who follow behind me. For example, I probably haven't said it in awhile...for those of you who are early in treatments, please don't waste as much time as I did stuck in IUI land. The success rates are shockingly low. If there is any hint of a sperm issue, move on to IVF, and possibly ICSI asap. Easier said, that done, I know. But the things I saw at the resolve conference last fall made me feel like I had wasted nine months of my life on something that would never ever work.
Lastly, with sensitivity toward the world in which I write, I do plan to use this blog to document my pregnancy. I'm thinking specific pregnancy related updates will be weekly, and will have the word "weeks" in the title, or some other warning near the top, so you'll be able to easily skip those if needed. I will probably post belly shots, but I'll put them at the end, so you'll have to scroll down if you want to see them. I will probably add a ticker, because I have found it to be a useful warning that this is now a pregnancy blog (oh please, let Tuesday confirm that this will stay a pregnancy blog....freaking out, seriously!) and one that some might not be in the mood to start reading.
We are the best and the worst support for each other. We are uniquely qualified to understand each other like no one else can. But some of us will move on faster that others, and some of will have to choose a different path, and that can be incredibly difficult to deal with. I am eternally grateful for all the support and hope you decide to stay with me through the end of Book Two and beyond!
2.13.2012
Tagged
I have so many thoughts in my head lately, and just can't seem to kind the concentration or energy to write much. So, this little meme came at just the right time. I've been tagged for a little get to know you by Kelly at Candid Confessions of a Southern Princess. Thanks girl! And thanks for the shout out on my BFP!
SO, here's the deal:
1 - Post the rules
2 - Answer the 11 questions from the person who tagged you.
2 - Answer the 11 questions from the person who tagged you.
3 - Create 11 new questions for the people you tag.
4 - Tag people and link them to your post.
5 - Let them know that you tagged them.
4 - Tag people and link them to your post.
5 - Let them know that you tagged them.
Here are my answers to Kelly's questions:
- If you could go anywhere for a week, where would you go? I would go to Italy as often as I was given the opportunity. I've been 4 times, to all different parts - Bologna, Verona, Siena, Perugia, Venice, Florence, Rome, Cinque Terra and Positano. I would like to hit Sicily at some point. Everything is better in Italy. The light is different. The gelato is amazing. And the wine! Well, I guess I'll just have to keep dreaming about the part for awhile yet!
- What is your favorite app on your smart phone? If you don't have a smart phone, what the hell is wrong with you? Probably MobileRSS which is the primary way I read all these blogs (and why I'm such an intermittent commenter! Commenting on an iPhone is hard!). I also look at Facebook and The Weather Channel almost daily. I've used Period Tracker to track my cycles since beginning ttc, and I just downloaded a bunch of pregnancy apps. I'll have to let you now about those.
- If you were going to redo one room in your house which room would it be and why? I'm in the process of redoing my office, to turn it into an office/guest room, thinking optimistically, that the next redecorating project will be turning the guest room into the nursery. If all continues according to plan, we should get to that this summer!
- What is your biggest insecurity? That I'm faking it at my job. As a career changer, I worry that people think I know more than I actually know because my age doesn't match my experience. I end up having to figure out a lot of stuff on my own, which constantly stresses me out, and makes me worry that I'm going to mess up. But, no one has every complained, and I just hit 4 years at this job, so I guess it's all in my head.
- What are the top three Internet sites you visit? Google Reader, Blogger, Pinterest. I might add Facebook, that mostly happens on my iPhone.
- Do you have a hobby? What is it? Blogging has become a huge hobby in the last year. I also love photo projects. I'm working on a Blurb book of Hubby and me, the first 6 years, thinking that then I can do one album a year after that. I also love decorating my house, having parties, crafty things. I used to be a lot more into making beaded jewelry.
- If your husband could buy you anything what would you want from him? Anything? Really? My house is great, considering the area we live in, but I'd really love a bigger house with a swimming pool and an attached 2 car garage. Let's just say that New England homes in the Boston Metro area just can't compare space wise to what you can get for way less money in upstate New York where I grew up! I should probably pick something more romantic, like a diamond necklace. But yeah, I'd really like a bigger house...someday!
- When is the last time you drastically changed your hairstyle? At least 10 years ago. I've had long straight, mostly one-length hair since about sophomore year in high school, with a divergence into a few more layers in college (almost the "Rachel"). The drastic change in my mid twenties was to go for a chin length bob. I'm addicted to getting my hair up off my neck, so it didn't last long. I keep considering some kind of bangs for a change, but then I remember how long it look me to grow them out in junior high, so I never pull the trigger. My hair does need some help though, all the fertility meds have taken their toll.
- What was the last vacation you went on? Tell us about it. My last real vacation was last April when we went to London to visit my brother and his family. It was awesome. Here's the post I wrote about it. We're heading to Puerto Rico in two weeks and I can't wait for some beach time!!
- When was the last time you cried and why? Last Monday when I got the message from my nurse and my beta was 241!
- How do you stay organized? The real question is, do I stay organized? I'm not so great at it really, but I do love to shop for organizational tools, storage, furniture, you name it. I'm still searching for the magic solution to my life.
Here are some new questions for the people I'm tagging to answer:
- What is your favorite room in your house?
- If you could be on any reality TV show, which one would you choose?
- What songs are on the sound track of your life (saw someone else use this, and it's actually one of the questions I asked Hubby when we were "dating" online. He actually burned the CD of his soundtrack, It was so cute!)
- Do you have any secret hidden talents? What are they?
- Pirate or Ninja?
- What are your favorite smells?
- What is the best vacation you've ever taken?
- What would you do for work if you could do anything you wanted, succeed and be able to support yourself?
- How did you meet your husband or significant other?
- Which Disney princess (if any) do you most identify with?
- Have you ever met or talked to another blogger in person (or on the phone?)
OK, that was a little bit hard to come up with 11!
And now for who I'm tagging. I'm not paying too much attention to who's already been tagged, seeing as I'm about a week behind on this, but I'm picking out at least a few ladies who I think could use a bit of distracting right about now.
- Sometimes
- Liz at Compromised Fertility
- AJ at Rainbow Making 101
- Jules at The Road Less Travelled
- Denise at This Blondie Wants Babies
- Her Royal Fabulouness at Waiting For Little Feet
- Toni at Who is this "Fertile Myrtle"?
- Michele at Greetings From Nowhere, NM
- Miss Conception
- Still Hoping at Hope Delayed
- Rebecca at Life of an Army Wife
Have fun ladies!
2.12.2012
Five Weeks
My darling Violetta, I am in complete awe of the fact that today I am five weeks pregnant with you, and possibly Luigi or Lucia too. The past week went by in a little bit of a dream like haze. It all started last Sunday, Super Bowl Sunday. Your home team, the New England Patriots were playing much of your family's home team, the New York Giants. (Someday, maybe you will wonder why the New York Giants actually play in New Jersey!)
I was too impatient to know if you were with us to wait for my blood test the next day, so I took a test at home, which gave us some confusing results. Your dad and I were a sad that day, thinking this might not actually be the time you'd be joining us. But, we did manage to skype with your Uncle W (huge Giants fan) for a little pre-game rivalry.
We were stressed out to watch the game because it was a classic rematch of the Super Bowl from four years prior, when the Pats were headed for a perfect season, and the Giants ruined it. Your dad spent a lot of time in the other room not able to watch the game. And...unfortunately, history repeated itself. Our team lost. I vowed to return to my previous Sunday pass-time (pass on from your Great-Gram to you Granny to me) of watching figure skating.
The next morning, I awoke nervously, and decided to take two more tests at home. One of the was expired. I shouldn't have taken it. But...it was positive! The only problem was that I couldn't trust it. Always read the directions my little dear. Avoid the stress! The other test gave similar confusing results as the day before. I just didn't know what to think.
Your Dad and I drove to the hospital so I could have my blood drawn, and then he dropped me off at work where I waited for the phone call.
My phone rang much earlier than I expected. I was so nervous I couldn't answer, so I let it go to voice mail, and then ran out of the office to the stairwell we all use for private phone calls. I listened to the message. It was Nurse Susan. She said "Hi Jennifer, I am so happy to be calling you with good news to leave on your machine..." What? Seriously? For real? I immediately started shaking and crying and ran further down the stairs to find even more privacy so I could call your Dad. I tried to think of something cute and fun to say as the phone rang. When he answered, all I could manage to spit out was "241!" which was the level of pregnancy hormone in my blood. A nice high number! (Which could also hint that you just might have company in there. We'll see next week!)
Dad was with someone, so he sort of sputtered a few things in disbelief and said we should meet for lunch. So we did. We sort of stared at each other in disbelief, letting the news sink in.
Let's just say, the rest of the week, I was completely distracted at work. Instead of going back for repeat blood work two days later on Wednesday, I had to fly to Buffalo at 7 in the morning for the day for work. I arrived at the airport at 6 am to an extremely full security line. By 6:30, I was still waiting and had to beg the security officers to let me to the front of the line. What a panic! I didn't get to go through my usual pre-flight rituals of a stop in the restroom and a purchase of a bottle of water for the flight. I arrived at the gate just in time, needing to be, and feeling completely dehydrated. At least the nice flight attendant gave me a bottle of water!
Thursday morning, I went in for the second blood test to confirm that you were still growing away. The results came back very quickly with more good news! Oh Violetta, this is really happening! I still can hardly believe it! The nurse scheduled our first two ultrasounds, which will be at 6 weeks 2 days, and 8 weeks 1 day. I will be counting the minutes until I get to see you.
That night, we decide to tell your Granny (my mom) the good news. She has known how hard we've been trying to bring you into the world, and we wanted her to know she could stop worrying a bit now. We called her on Skype. It took us about 5 tries to actually get the video connection to work. It was very important to us because we wanted to see her face. She was so excited! She cried and waved her arms in front of her face.
Dad also told his mom (I don't know what you're going to call her yet) over the phone. I missed that one, so you'll have to ask him the details someday. But I do know that she cried as well. She has been busy lighting candles in hopes that you would decide it was time to show up, so she was trilled! We're not going to tell anyone else for a while yet though.
Yesterday, we went to one of my favorite places on earth, Ikea. We've been working on redoing our office. Hoping that we would soon need to turn our guest room into your room, the office needs to now serve as an office and a guest room. We painted the office last weekend, which was a great distraction while waiting to learn about you. And yesterday, we purchased the rest of the storage furniture we needed to make the whole thing come together. The sofa bed we're adding is still in Granny's basement. We'll bring it home later this spring when we go for a visit.
As for how I'm feeling, I'm definitely much more fatigued than usual. I come home most nights and take a nap on the couch while your awesome dad has been making dinner. And I have to pee all the time. I think I got up 2 or 3 times last night. I can definitely feel some cramps and stretching in my belly at times where I know you are settling in and making yourself comfortable. So far, I am not officially nauseous, but I have what I consider a nervous stomach all. the. time. So, I just keep eating a few crackers every few hours in case it is the beginning of anything more. Oh, and ginger altoids seem to help a lot too. And of course, I'm super distracted at work. It's hard to think of anything but you, how you are going to change our lives, when we will get to see you for the first time, do you have company in there? Yup, I'm not going to be very productive for awhile I think!
Well, Violetta, that's about all I have to tell you about the first week we've known about you. I'm sure it won't take you long to learn that your mom is really good at long, drawn out, wandering stories!
Oh, one last thing, In addition to keeping track of how my belly changes with you in it (which I think I will start in a week or two), I thought it might be fun to track the progress of your room as we work on it. It will be a while before we know what the color scheme is, so it might not change a lot right away, but it's sort of amusing to see the disaster that it is right now since we had to empty contents of the office into it to finish that project. I can't wait to see how it evolves!
I was too impatient to know if you were with us to wait for my blood test the next day, so I took a test at home, which gave us some confusing results. Your dad and I were a sad that day, thinking this might not actually be the time you'd be joining us. But, we did manage to skype with your Uncle W (huge Giants fan) for a little pre-game rivalry.
We were stressed out to watch the game because it was a classic rematch of the Super Bowl from four years prior, when the Pats were headed for a perfect season, and the Giants ruined it. Your dad spent a lot of time in the other room not able to watch the game. And...unfortunately, history repeated itself. Our team lost. I vowed to return to my previous Sunday pass-time (pass on from your Great-Gram to you Granny to me) of watching figure skating.
The next morning, I awoke nervously, and decided to take two more tests at home. One of the was expired. I shouldn't have taken it. But...it was positive! The only problem was that I couldn't trust it. Always read the directions my little dear. Avoid the stress! The other test gave similar confusing results as the day before. I just didn't know what to think.
Your Dad and I drove to the hospital so I could have my blood drawn, and then he dropped me off at work where I waited for the phone call.
My phone rang much earlier than I expected. I was so nervous I couldn't answer, so I let it go to voice mail, and then ran out of the office to the stairwell we all use for private phone calls. I listened to the message. It was Nurse Susan. She said "Hi Jennifer, I am so happy to be calling you with good news to leave on your machine..." What? Seriously? For real? I immediately started shaking and crying and ran further down the stairs to find even more privacy so I could call your Dad. I tried to think of something cute and fun to say as the phone rang. When he answered, all I could manage to spit out was "241!" which was the level of pregnancy hormone in my blood. A nice high number! (Which could also hint that you just might have company in there. We'll see next week!)
Dad was with someone, so he sort of sputtered a few things in disbelief and said we should meet for lunch. So we did. We sort of stared at each other in disbelief, letting the news sink in.
Let's just say, the rest of the week, I was completely distracted at work. Instead of going back for repeat blood work two days later on Wednesday, I had to fly to Buffalo at 7 in the morning for the day for work. I arrived at the airport at 6 am to an extremely full security line. By 6:30, I was still waiting and had to beg the security officers to let me to the front of the line. What a panic! I didn't get to go through my usual pre-flight rituals of a stop in the restroom and a purchase of a bottle of water for the flight. I arrived at the gate just in time, needing to be, and feeling completely dehydrated. At least the nice flight attendant gave me a bottle of water!
Thursday morning, I went in for the second blood test to confirm that you were still growing away. The results came back very quickly with more good news! Oh Violetta, this is really happening! I still can hardly believe it! The nurse scheduled our first two ultrasounds, which will be at 6 weeks 2 days, and 8 weeks 1 day. I will be counting the minutes until I get to see you.
That night, we decide to tell your Granny (my mom) the good news. She has known how hard we've been trying to bring you into the world, and we wanted her to know she could stop worrying a bit now. We called her on Skype. It took us about 5 tries to actually get the video connection to work. It was very important to us because we wanted to see her face. She was so excited! She cried and waved her arms in front of her face.
Dad also told his mom (I don't know what you're going to call her yet) over the phone. I missed that one, so you'll have to ask him the details someday. But I do know that she cried as well. She has been busy lighting candles in hopes that you would decide it was time to show up, so she was trilled! We're not going to tell anyone else for a while yet though.
Yesterday, we went to one of my favorite places on earth, Ikea. We've been working on redoing our office. Hoping that we would soon need to turn our guest room into your room, the office needs to now serve as an office and a guest room. We painted the office last weekend, which was a great distraction while waiting to learn about you. And yesterday, we purchased the rest of the storage furniture we needed to make the whole thing come together. The sofa bed we're adding is still in Granny's basement. We'll bring it home later this spring when we go for a visit.
As for how I'm feeling, I'm definitely much more fatigued than usual. I come home most nights and take a nap on the couch while your awesome dad has been making dinner. And I have to pee all the time. I think I got up 2 or 3 times last night. I can definitely feel some cramps and stretching in my belly at times where I know you are settling in and making yourself comfortable. So far, I am not officially nauseous, but I have what I consider a nervous stomach all. the. time. So, I just keep eating a few crackers every few hours in case it is the beginning of anything more. Oh, and ginger altoids seem to help a lot too. And of course, I'm super distracted at work. It's hard to think of anything but you, how you are going to change our lives, when we will get to see you for the first time, do you have company in there? Yup, I'm not going to be very productive for awhile I think!
Well, Violetta, that's about all I have to tell you about the first week we've known about you. I'm sure it won't take you long to learn that your mom is really good at long, drawn out, wandering stories!
Oh, one last thing, In addition to keeping track of how my belly changes with you in it (which I think I will start in a week or two), I thought it might be fun to track the progress of your room as we work on it. It will be a while before we know what the color scheme is, so it might not change a lot right away, but it's sort of amusing to see the disaster that it is right now since we had to empty contents of the office into it to finish that project. I can't wait to see how it evolves!
2.09.2012
Is this really happening?
Second beta (72 hours later instead of 48) is 752!!! Doubling time of 43 hours.
When will I really start to believe it?
When will I really start to believe it?
2.07.2012
Wow!
I am overwhelmed by the support, excitement and love Violetta and I received yesterday. You guys are all quite simply awesome! I think I am still in shock a bit. I just really had no idea how this was going to go. I feel a bit like I am in a dream. Anyway, just wanted to write a quick note and mention that I'm travelling for work tomorrow. God help me, I have to leave my house at 5:30am tomorrow for a day trip to Buffalo. So, I won't be getting my second beta until Thursday. I'll be sure to update when I get that number. In the meantime, I'm trying to soak it all in, and tell myself, that a little lower back ache and some cramps that have been nagging me for the last hour are completely normal, right? Ah, the life of an infertile.
PS - I already have visible blue veins on my boobs. When I pointed them out to hubby, he told me those are totally hot. He's actually had discussions with other guys about it. Does this concern anyone else?
PPS - How on earth does anyone concentrate at work when they find out they are pregnant? I'm pretty much useless!
PS - I already have visible blue veins on my boobs. When I pointed them out to hubby, he told me those are totally hot. He's actually had discussions with other guys about it. Does this concern anyone else?
PPS - How on earth does anyone concentrate at work when they find out they are pregnant? I'm pretty much useless!
2.06.2012
Just to keep it interesting...
...and to take you all along for the ride on my mind fuck...
One reason I didn't use another brand yesterday is because the only other test I had in the house was an expired FRER. But this morning, I decided, heck. I'm going to use it, and one of the Answers. And I'm going to watch that Answer for a full 15 minutes. Like a hawk.
Now, a big disclaimer, it says all over Dr. Google...do not use expired tests. They may produce false positives. I did use one last fall, and got the same faint line as I got on a fresh one when I had a chemical. So, it wasn't a false positive in that case, just not a long lasting one.
Girls, it was positive. Very positive. The test line was probably 75% of the control line in darkness. And it came up fast. But of course, it says all over the internet that expired tests can result in false positives. So why on earth did I do this myself?
As for the Answer, it was still negative after five minutes, with the same cloudy pink background. It's almost like the die is floating around not sure where to land. After 15 minutes, same thing. So, I set the stop watch and got in the shower. 11 minutes later (26 minutes total) the background was white and there was a very faint chemical pregnancy quality second line on the strip. I kept the stop watch going and kept an eye on the test. It never got darker like the one yesterday, but there is something there.
So, after all of that, where did this get me? Blood is drawn, at the office, waiting for a phone call which will hopefully come before lunch. Last time I think it came around 11. Prepared for the worst, hoping for the best, and not a fucking clue what is going to happen.
Thanks for being with me.
And god damn those Giants. I can't take it! (and I'm from upstate NY originally!)
One reason I didn't use another brand yesterday is because the only other test I had in the house was an expired FRER. But this morning, I decided, heck. I'm going to use it, and one of the Answers. And I'm going to watch that Answer for a full 15 minutes. Like a hawk.
Now, a big disclaimer, it says all over Dr. Google...do not use expired tests. They may produce false positives. I did use one last fall, and got the same faint line as I got on a fresh one when I had a chemical. So, it wasn't a false positive in that case, just not a long lasting one.
Girls, it was positive. Very positive. The test line was probably 75% of the control line in darkness. And it came up fast. But of course, it says all over the internet that expired tests can result in false positives. So why on earth did I do this myself?
As for the Answer, it was still negative after five minutes, with the same cloudy pink background. It's almost like the die is floating around not sure where to land. After 15 minutes, same thing. So, I set the stop watch and got in the shower. 11 minutes later (26 minutes total) the background was white and there was a very faint chemical pregnancy quality second line on the strip. I kept the stop watch going and kept an eye on the test. It never got darker like the one yesterday, but there is something there.
So, after all of that, where did this get me? Blood is drawn, at the office, waiting for a phone call which will hopefully come before lunch. Last time I think it came around 11. Prepared for the worst, hoping for the best, and not a fucking clue what is going to happen.
Thanks for being with me.
And god damn those Giants. I can't take it! (and I'm from upstate NY originally!)
2.05.2012
Never Ending Mind Fuck
11dp3dt
I tested this morning. It was negative. It was a new brand for me. Answer. I'd picked up a box of 5 a few months ago at Resolve. This one is a strip as opposed to a stick, which is fine with me since I usually pee in a cup and dip anyway. Results take 5 minutes. (5 minutes? Wow, I got use to those rapid response results in one minute tests.) Don't read results after 15.
I got out of bed sometime around 6:30 this morning, after lying awake for about an hour telling myself to wait a little longer. Gathered my supplies, dipped the test and waited. There was no second line. Not even a hint of a second line. But interestingly, the rest of the strip wasn't stark white as I'm used to with the FRERs. The whole thing was stained light pink, there was just no second line. About 7 minutes in, I crawled back up to bed and snuggled up to Hubby, who was still asleep. No sense in waking him for bad news.
I felt numb. I got a little teary, but didn't really cry. And I haven't yet. Maybe after the beta makes it official tomorrow, it will become more of a reality.
Around 8:30, I'd had enough lazing about. I needed to get up and have my decaf. I left Hubby sleeping, and stopped in the bathroom on my way downstairs. I had left the test strip sitting on the edge of the tub. I looked at it again. The background was no longer pink. It was white. And there was a second line. Not as dark as the control, but a real, full fledged, I don't have to squint or tilt it in the light to see it. Probably about half as dark as the control line.
I know they say don't read the results after 15 minutes. I know there are evaporation lines. I know I'm being slightly delusional, but what if that line showed up after 12 minutes and not an hour?
WHAT THE FUCK?!
I am so sick of the mind fuck that is IVF. Pardon my french, but I figure, that since there is a severe lack of fucking in the actual process of trying to be me knocked up, I might as well have a little bit of it here.
So ladies, what do you think? Am I crazy? Is there hope? Beta is tomorrow, so I don't have to wait much longer. But seriously. I wish I had waited the full 15 minutes. I was just so devastated, I wanted to crawl back into bed and never get out. (Until I got stir crazy two hours later of course).
From what I've read online, you are absolutely not supposed to read a test after hour pass. But there is very little about what it might mean if that line showed up between 5 and 15 minutes. I supposed it is early, although average HCG on this cycle day is in the 40s. A few sources said it could mean there is HCG in my system (as there is at levels under 5 in all of us) that is lower than the test threshold (25). When it sits for a long time, the second line will show up with lower levels. So, in all honestly, best case, I'm probably looking at another chemical.
I'm devastated. I'm delusional. I'm still hoping for a miracle tomorrow. Because I apparently love a mind fuck.
Today is the Super Bowl. Our team is playing. Hubby has been so excited. This morning, when he got up and I told him about the negative, he was quiet, and then said he wasn't sure he wanted to go to the party we're supposed to attend. He wasn't even sure he wanted to watch the game, because he doesn't think he can handle watching something else with an outcome he has no control over. It broke my heart. Absolutely broke. my. heart.
I got weepy, and said I was sorry I ruined the game for him. I could have waited until tomorrow to test at home before Beta, but I wanted more than an hour at home to deal with the answer, instead of having to head right to work.
We headed back up to bed and slept a bit more, and managed to get ourselves up and about after lunch. I told Hubby I really didn't want him to miss the game. I am so sick of missing shit due to IF. This is the Super Bowl. This is redemption from the perfect season that was stolen 4 years ago. It's going to be agonizing to watch, but we can't miss out. We just can't.
Tom Brady, you better be on your game tonight. I can't take anymore mind fucks.
I tested this morning. It was negative. It was a new brand for me. Answer. I'd picked up a box of 5 a few months ago at Resolve. This one is a strip as opposed to a stick, which is fine with me since I usually pee in a cup and dip anyway. Results take 5 minutes. (5 minutes? Wow, I got use to those rapid response results in one minute tests.) Don't read results after 15.
I got out of bed sometime around 6:30 this morning, after lying awake for about an hour telling myself to wait a little longer. Gathered my supplies, dipped the test and waited. There was no second line. Not even a hint of a second line. But interestingly, the rest of the strip wasn't stark white as I'm used to with the FRERs. The whole thing was stained light pink, there was just no second line. About 7 minutes in, I crawled back up to bed and snuggled up to Hubby, who was still asleep. No sense in waking him for bad news.
I felt numb. I got a little teary, but didn't really cry. And I haven't yet. Maybe after the beta makes it official tomorrow, it will become more of a reality.
Around 8:30, I'd had enough lazing about. I needed to get up and have my decaf. I left Hubby sleeping, and stopped in the bathroom on my way downstairs. I had left the test strip sitting on the edge of the tub. I looked at it again. The background was no longer pink. It was white. And there was a second line. Not as dark as the control, but a real, full fledged, I don't have to squint or tilt it in the light to see it. Probably about half as dark as the control line.
I know they say don't read the results after 15 minutes. I know there are evaporation lines. I know I'm being slightly delusional, but what if that line showed up after 12 minutes and not an hour?
WHAT THE FUCK?!
I am so sick of the mind fuck that is IVF. Pardon my french, but I figure, that since there is a severe lack of fucking in the actual process of trying to be me knocked up, I might as well have a little bit of it here.
So ladies, what do you think? Am I crazy? Is there hope? Beta is tomorrow, so I don't have to wait much longer. But seriously. I wish I had waited the full 15 minutes. I was just so devastated, I wanted to crawl back into bed and never get out. (Until I got stir crazy two hours later of course).
From what I've read online, you are absolutely not supposed to read a test after hour pass. But there is very little about what it might mean if that line showed up between 5 and 15 minutes. I supposed it is early, although average HCG on this cycle day is in the 40s. A few sources said it could mean there is HCG in my system (as there is at levels under 5 in all of us) that is lower than the test threshold (25). When it sits for a long time, the second line will show up with lower levels. So, in all honestly, best case, I'm probably looking at another chemical.
I'm devastated. I'm delusional. I'm still hoping for a miracle tomorrow. Because I apparently love a mind fuck.
Today is the Super Bowl. Our team is playing. Hubby has been so excited. This morning, when he got up and I told him about the negative, he was quiet, and then said he wasn't sure he wanted to go to the party we're supposed to attend. He wasn't even sure he wanted to watch the game, because he doesn't think he can handle watching something else with an outcome he has no control over. It broke my heart. Absolutely broke. my. heart.
I got weepy, and said I was sorry I ruined the game for him. I could have waited until tomorrow to test at home before Beta, but I wanted more than an hour at home to deal with the answer, instead of having to head right to work.
We headed back up to bed and slept a bit more, and managed to get ourselves up and about after lunch. I told Hubby I really didn't want him to miss the game. I am so sick of missing shit due to IF. This is the Super Bowl. This is redemption from the perfect season that was stolen 4 years ago. It's going to be agonizing to watch, but we can't miss out. We just can't.
Tom Brady, you better be on your game tonight. I can't take anymore mind fucks.
2.01.2012
Remembering
Violetta, it's been two years since you first tried to make an appearance, and then decided to leave us after only a day. Last year, I wrote about you on the anniversary of the day that I found out about you, instead of the day you decided to go. This year, I don't want to dwell, as I am so hopeful that you are with me now settling in for the long haul, and that this will finally be our time to get to know each other. But I couldn't let this anniversary go by without letting you know how much I have loved you and hoped for you over the last two years. Please stay this time.
It's funny how dates work out. I'll never forget this day (as if I ever could) which is marked by your Auntie R's birthday. And I will find out if you here again only a few long short days from now. Of course, I have already checked, and if you decide this is your time, you will be due sometime during the week in October which will mark one year since the second time you left us too soon. (unless of course, you decide to keep one of your siblings around, in which case, I'm guessing you'll probably decide to come a bit earlier.)
Please, oh please, my darling baby, prove to us that the third time really is the charm, and give your date obsessed mother a reason to have happy thoughts in the beginning of February and the middle of October, instead of having to keep on missing you with empty arms.
We're ready for you.
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