Thirty Three Weeks

My Little Luigi, this past week, we started taking a class to learn all about how to get you out of my belly and into the world safely. I have to admit, it was a slightly surreal experience. I really have a hard time comprehending how soon you will be here, although I am getting more and more excited every day to finally hold you in my arms.

Your Granny arrived in town, back from her trip to London to visit your cousins, Lady C and G. I can't wait for you to all meet and be able to play together. It's really special that you'll be the same age as G. I know you'll have tons of fun. Lady C is two, and is talking all the time. She has trouble saying Granny though, and it comes out sounding like "Danny." I actually kind of like it. It might be kind of silly and fun if we all just decided to call Granny Danny instead.

Granny stopped in Boston on her way home to New York to get over her jet lag and to help with our second baby shower on Sunday. This shower was hosted by your Gramma, who can barely contain her excitement about your arrival, and largely featured Daddy's family as guests. Everyone was very generous! You are going to be very well dressed your first few months here. One of the highlights for me was a bunch of clothes that came from Baby Gap, given to you by my best friend and maid of honor, C. I had seen this series online, which featured a lot of purple clothes, actually meant for little boys, once it was already on sale. Of course, this meant that most of the items were longer available. Well, C and I have had an ability to essentially read each other's minds in the nearly 20 years we've been friends. She got the argyle sweater I had been obsessing over, along with another lavender sweater, a checked shirt for under, and gray pants, all of which you'll be able to wear next fall, and maybe for the holidays. I was thrilled! It's not easy to find purple boy clothes. I just hope you don't hate me for making you wear purple! It did start out as the color of royalty, you know.

Lastly, my little man, it wouldn't be a weekly update without me telling you how big you are. I'm told honeydew melon or a pineapple are the appropriate comparisons for this week. I much prefer pineapple. Never been much of a melon fan. I wonder what you will like?

Prenatal Depression

The PAIL blog had an interesting post about prenatal depression. Given my emotional state of late, it really hit home, and I thought I would share the comment I posted there for those of you who aren't regular readers. Also, as always, thank you all for the support. I'm not always the best commentor, but you guys are there for me anyway, making me feel normal and encouraging me that everything will work out. 

I just wrote this post about some of the emotional issues that I am struggling with, and yes, I'll admit, I feared offending some of my still TTC readers. But first and foremost, my blog is for me to deal with what's on my mind. It is extremely difficult to have spent nearly three years ttc, and then to face moments in my pregnancy when I am just. not. happy. I know this might not seem right to some, but I've suffered with anxiety and depression for over a decade, and spent about 8 years on meds. It's chemical. It's hormonal. It's not always a choice to just "be happy."

Like the author of the article, I went off in anticipation of ttc, 3.5 years before we actually succeeded. Some days were easy. Others, not so much. Especially when I was on Clomid. I thought I was literally loosing my mind. My RE did state that she felt anxiety and depression are under-diagnosed in women who are struggle with infertility, and that I should not feel badly should I need to go back on something. I've managed to stay off, but I have a constant dialogue running in my head to keep myself sane, and thankfully lots of support from this great community that reminds me that I'm not a lone. And trust me when I say I will be watching very closely for signs on PPD.

I came across another interesting article this week on a related topic. Ducky posted it. It's about how infertile women are at risk for Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. It makes me wonder that if we're more prone to PTSD, are we more prone to prenatal and post-partum depression as well? A long struggle with IF really wears on one's psyche, that is for sure.

And I do think that we are reluctant to talk about it in the IF community. I have seen pregnant and parenting bloggers bashed by others for not struggling enough, or for daring to complain about making it successfully to the other side. It is very upsetting to see that happen in a community which is usually so supportive. What I have tried to do with my own blog is to share the realities of my experience. Both the good and the bad. Infertility is hard. Pregnancy is hard. Parenting is hard. Life is just plain hard. Anxiety and depression are a fact of life for many people in different phases of life. If I can make someone feel less alone because I choose to "complain" about the struggles of pregnancy in an honest manner on my blog, than I consider my blog to be a success.

I'm very grateful to be a part of the PAIL community which is encouraging discussion on thought provoking and important topics.

Thirty Two Weeks

This week, my little man, was about learning some important lessons. The first...Embrace Process.

Your mom has a few issues with perfectionism, and sometimes this means I don't want to start a project unless I know it will come out perfectly.  I have been working hard at learning how to just start something and not be afraid of it failing. In fact, when an idea fails, it often leads to a better one. So just start, and see where life takes you. Don't be afraid to fail, Luigi.

In any case, your dad and I have taken on a lot of projects around the house, both in preparing for your arrival, and just to improve our home in general and have been feeling quite stressed about getting certain things done before your arrival. This weekend was incredible productive on many counts and we're feeling much more relaxed about life. Daddy installed the new closet system in your room. You'll be amazed at how much stuff we can fit in there now. He also finished hanging your curtains and display shelves. We got all the furniture in the right place and have just begun to accessorize. It didn't come out exactly according to my original vision, but this is what I'm talking about. When something doesn't work as you thought, move on. Don't get stuck. 

The second lesson of the week is to Slow Down. Work hard, but take time to step back, relax, and appreciate your accomplishments. When I get overwhelmed by a certain task, I tend to focus on all of the other things I still need to do, instead of taking a look back and marveling at all of the wonderful things I have already accomplished. There will never be a time when everything is done. It's just not possible. So why worry about it. Life should be a balance of work and play. Of course, I think your first few years will be much heavier on the play part! Daddy and I promise that we will work hard, but we'll make sure to take lots of time to play with you too. 

No DVD in the SUV

This post is part of the PAIL Monthly theme post: Screen Time.

No DVD in the SUV. This has been a mantra Hubby and I repeated, long before we were married as we would make trips west on the Mass Pike toward New York to visit my family, and see those eerily glowing screens hanging down from mini van ceilings. Will we be able to live up to it? It's hard to say

We are TV people. We have three TVs in the house at the moment. Each one has a TiVO. One of those is a dual tuner. Yes. We can tape 4 different things at the same time, as long as one of them is over the airwaves and not cable. I have recorded various soap operas literally every week day of my life since high school. (Right now, just GH, but at one time, I was keeping up with three a day!) Hubby winds down for the evening after I'm already asleep by watching YouTube and bad movies on his laptop with headphones in bed.

TV people. I'm telling you. Seriously.

But yet, we want to keep Luigi away from it for as long as possible. As many of you had already written, I'd rather him use his imagination, make up games, be an artist, go outside to play, sing songs silly songs on road trips instead of demanding a video to be good in the car. I have seen small children so mesmerized by cartoons that it is frightening. And the whole concept of video games...I almost can't even go there. I was recently waiting for the elevator in my OB's building, and a woman got off the elevator with her three elementary ages children, each with a Nintendo DS, tripping over each other and their own feet as they walked like zombies down the corridor because they couldn't put their games down.

We are clearly both opposed to video games. Hubby feels a bit more strongly about TV than I do. I think there may be a time and a place for the TV. Like Sunday football games for example, which I think may be key to maintaining a relationship with our childless friends. A little music competition show every now and then to encourage a love of music. But I do have to watch the soap opera exposure for sure. My earliest memories of Days of Our Loves can be traced back to when I was 3 years old. And for a long time I used to think that in some point in every one's life, they would be shot, kidnapped, and their house would burn down - it was only a matter of time as to when. And cartoons. I'm not a fan. Those seem to be the programs that turn children into zombies the most.

I think C.hon said it well when she wrote about the responsibility being on us, as the parent, to engage our children in activities other than the TV and video games. If I want Luigi to be creating, I need to encourage it. On rainy days, my mom would spend house with me cutting shapes out of construction paper, and I would glue them together to make collages. That's not something a toddler can do on their own. Perhaps as Luigi gets older, TV can be used as a treat, or a reward. But I think I'm on the same page as many when I say I don't want to use it as a baby sitter. (of course, you never know what sort of child you will have that may cause you to eat your words some day, right?)

Another interesting, and fascinating aspect of screen time is the concept of video chats. Without Skype and Facetime, I would not have a relationship with my niece who lives in England, and I see once or twice a year if I am lucky. It is the most precious thing in the world to see her face get huge on the screen and realize that she is kissing the image of me on the screen. Or trying to give me a sip of tea. Lady C and my mom regularly sing and dance together over Facetime. It is invaluable for families who are far away. I think it is far more important to have a close relationship with your extended family than to avoid this type of screen exposure. It is the way of the modern world, and to avoid that type of communication is definitely leaving a void in the education of modern communication.

At the same time, I hope I will never bring Luigi to a family back yard BBQ on a beautiful 4th of July where there is an enormous yard to run around and play in, and hand him my iPhone so he can sit in the corner of the deck and watch a movie instead of socializing and playing with his family. I could see scenarios where this could be a useful distraction...out to eat in a not so family restaurant for example. But never when the alternative is a yard to run around in.

And so it seems that the answer to the question of screen time is complex and multi-layered. The end result really is about how much we as parents choose to engage our children vs. use technology as a pacifier to keep them out of our hair. I do believe it's possible to have a respect and appreciation for TV use. But because Hubby and I are such TV people ourselves, we might need to go a little hard core on keeping it off for awhile, or risk setting a bad example. I have no idea how my experience will pan out, but I know I want to do my best at raising a little boy who doesn't care too much about TV and will think I'm the most awesome mom their every was when I finally cave and get him a video game for Christmas 16 years from now! I'll be sure to keep you posted on how it turns out.

Aaahhhhchooooo

Today, walking through the supermarket parking lot, I let out a huge sneeze.

"oh shit!" I exclaimed right after.

"what's the matter," hubby asked, "Allergies getting you too?"

"no, I forgot to wear a panty liner today!"

Such is life with a baby doing a head stand on your bladder, right?

Frazzled & Fried

This is how I feel every evening when I go into Luigi's room after dinner to make some progress on one of the many various items that still exists on our to do list. At first, I thought that this was largely due to the heat in the room. We use window units for air conditioning and didn't bother to put one in this room this year. And, we've been keeping the door closed to keep the cats from running wild through the various piles of clothes, blankets, and other baby gear. It has been one freaking hot summer. Which has made the temperature in this room next to unbearable. I set foot in what I know will eventually become an amazing room, and my internal temperature rises drastically, which, at a certain point, triggers what I have nicknamed the "bitch switch." Once that switch is flipped, I can't function. I can't make a decision. I am completely overwhelmed with everything that is left to do in there, and how unbearable it is to be in that space. I'm irritaible. I'm snippy. How on earth will I ever get it done?

And as is my typical MO, when I get overwhelmed with one aspect of life, I begin to call into question my adequacy in every other area. Last night, it was being overly hard on myself because I have a few boxes of crap that have accumulated in our office/guest room in an attempt to keep other parts of the house clean. I feel like I am always surround by chaos, and I just would have hoped that I would have found away to get a handle on some of it before Luigi arrives in his own storm of chaos. Because again, how on earth will I ever dig out from the previous messes once he becomes the center of my world?

After a few nights of these freak outs where I got very short with poor hubby, and blaming it on the heat, I began to realize that there is a lot more going on emotionally and the heat is just the trigger.

I feel awful, because hubby is working so unbelievably hard to get everything done to keep me happy. The evening we got back from the vineyard, he hung one set of curtains, and built the changing table and the book shelf. Of course, part of my issue was not loving the way the curtains looked initially, and that the furniture layout wasn't coming together quite the way I'd imagined. We did manage to solve the curtain issue, and have some ideas on alternate furniture layouts, so I'm sure everything will come together eventually.

It's just that I can't bear to be in that room to make it happen!

I haven't completely identified the emotional issues that are part of the bitch switch trigger. I think I'm afraid of what life will be like once Luigi is here. I know everything is going to change. I know how much I wanted everything to change. And now that it's about 8 weeks away, I'm questioning everything. I do know that I don't want my last few weeks with hubby to be filled with stress and irritability and a never ending to do list. I want us to have some good quality time together as well. But I can't make him stop. And he thinks what I need most is just to get everything done, when what I really need is for him to cuddle with me on the couch for an hour each night, to put his hand on my belly and feel his son rolling around, to just slow down and breathe for a few minutes. I cannot keep up his pace. Nor do I want to. But yet, I want everything done. Though that is impossible, because there will always be more.

I am a bundle of contradiction.

I want to be happier about Luigi's arrival instead of stressed and freaked out. I did go back this morning to read my 100th post which helped to remind me that despite my feelings in an overheated and overwhelmed moment, I really am looking forward to motherhood, and in fact have been for a very long time. It helps to step out of the moment every once in awhile.

But I can't help but be concerned. I've been worried about my mood for awhile. I'm terrified of post-partum depression. I don't want to be a stressed, anxious, unhappy and never quite satisfied with life. I want to embrace it. I want to dance in the rain.

I know this post is getting long, and beginning to ramble, but there is one thing that has been on my mind for a week or so now that I just want to get out. My long time readers my remember that I have been estranged from my dad for nearly 3 years now. I took down all of those posts, or I would refer you there. But they just felt a little bit too exposed. The short story is that my parents split with I was 13. My dad remarried twice since then. My mom has always believed he suffers from depression, and as time goes by and we hear more from his family, it is becoming more and more clear that alcohol is a big part of the issues we have had. Not to mention that his third wife is a complete enabler. My aunt (dad's sister) came to the shower that my mom threw for me, and told my mom a bit about what has been going on of late. He is starting to shut our his own mother and siblings in the same way he's shut out so many people before, including myself and my brother. They believe that my step-mother has been instrumental in what's happening in an attempt to completely secure her inheritance and shut out the rest of the family. My grandmother did not make the trip out to my shower, which was a day trip, 3 hours in each direction, because my dad would not let her stay (his own mother mind you) because she was coming in to town for my shower. After the discussion of this event, he sent (although they suspect it was actually written by step-mom) an email telling his mother and siblings that he never wanted any of them to mention his children to him ever again. My mom said that from what my aunt said, it almost sounded like his family was planning an intervention of sorts. But with step-mom in the picture, I can't imagine they will get very far. Another interesting development is that step-mom's niece used to live with them. Her mother died when she was young, and in high school, she had a rough time with her dad, so moved in with mine. Apparently, neither she, nor her sister are talking to my dad and step-mom anymore.

Anyway, it's all so bizarre. And sad. It's validating in one sense, and reaffirming that I was not at fault. That my dad is a completely irrational person that can never be made happy. And if you are the person he blames for his unhappiness (chronic depression, how can that be anyone's fault?) he dumps you from his life. It's satisfying in a way that my relatives are seeing my step-mom for what she is, a controlling, relationship destroying gold digger.

But at the same time, it scares the shit out of me. When I feel unhappy, I worry that I am too much like my dad. Will I ever be satisfied? Will I always be too hard on myself? Though, I guess I tend to get down on myself, or the size of my house, as opposed to blaming others for my dissatisfaction. Will my darling Luigi struggle with depression? He has it coming to him from both sides. How can I teach him that it's really ok if life isn't perfect, if it's a work in progress and never quite finished, to embrace self-compassion, to dance in the rain...if I am not able to embrace these ideals myself?

Thirty One Weeks

I had this past week off from work, my little head of lettuce, and it was wonderful! I spent the beginning of the week running errands, attending a few appointments, getting a pedicure and taking afternoon naps. It was quite awesome, and I didn't miss work one little bit. Daddy ended up coming home early on Wednesday and we had a very productive visit to Ikea, where we picked up most of the rest of the furniture items we needed for your room including a bookcase, a changing table, some wall shelves, a lamp, curtain rods, and we stumbled on a pillow case with blue and green stripes that was just meant to be in your room.

On Thursday, we loaded up the car and headed down to the Cape to catch the ferry to Martha's Vineyard for a long weekend. This was the first time we took our car on the ferry, and it actually worked out great. It gives me great hope for the future vacations we will take together. I'm sure that someday, if not even next summer, we will rent a house there for a week and spend lots of time at the beach. You and I spent a lot of time in the water this weekend. I even floated around for an hour one afternoon in the rain. It was still warm, and I was already wet, so why not, right? I was trying to embrace a saying I saw in one of the shops..."Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass. It's about learning to dance in the rain." Being in the ocean feels so good right now. It was hot and humid, so aside from the water relieving the weight of you in my belly, the water kept me nice and cool. Luigi, I really can't wait to take you to the beach next summer! I really hope you love it as much as I do!

Thirty Weeks

We're almost down to single digit weeks, little Luigi. It's so hard to believe! This week we made more progress in your room. Daddy assembled your crib and it looks great. We still need to get a mattress for it though. Don't worry, you will have a place to sleep when you get here!

While Daddy worked on the crib, I spent a lot of time sorting through all the great gifts we got at our shower. I've got a bunch of clothes and blankets to wash for you, and you have a whole bin full of toys already. You're a really lucky boy! I can't wait to see you playing with all of them.

This weekend, Daddy had more help from some coworkers finishing the shed underneath the deck. It's looking really great, with lots of room to store all of our bikes. Just a few more finishing touches and it will be all set. While they worked on the shed, I spent time on the rocking chair I'm rebuilding for your room. It came from your Great-Gram's house and is so old, it was stuffed with hay and horse hair. We decided it would be better to take all of that out and rebuild the cushions with modern upholstery foam. It's turning out great so far. I can't wait to rock you in it.

Little Luigi, it seems from the many sources I have that you are the size of a squash, a cabbage or an eggplant, all of which I think have been mentioned before. But, I suppose there are different varieties of all of those vegetables that could be slightly different sizes. I definitely feel that you are getting bigger because I can feel you putting a lot of pressure on my bladder these days! I'm sure you are growing big and strong. I love you little man!

Random Diaper Bag Question

What diaper bags do you all like? I want something that Hubby will not be embarrassed to carry but that doesn't look like it came from a sporting goods store. No fussy baby prints. I've not been impressed with anything I've seen at babies r us or target. Not sure where to look next!

On Island (300th Post!)

I arrived on Martha's Vineyard yesterday after having the beginning of the week off from work. We are here until Monday around lunch time. I am already feeling so much better about life than I was last week when I was filing you all in about GD. Being on an island can do wonders for your stress level. So can just not having to go to work for that matter. 

So far, I've managed to get in two great swims in the ocean. Can we talk about how awesome it is to be in the ocean when you're seven months pregnant. (Um, holy crap, did I just say seven months?!) First of all, it is quite humid here. As a matter of fact, it just started to rain, which will hopefully help matters. I have been running hot this entire pregnancy, and after surviving what I just heard was the hottest July on record, some time submerged in the ocean is pure heaven. It cools you off, it takes the weight of your belly, and you can pee whenever and as much as you want. (Sorry, gross, I know, but the ocean is a 10 minute walk from the house we are renting. A girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do, right?)

This is the fourth time I've been with Hubby to the Vineyard. Our group of friends rents the same house every year, and we usually try to make it for about half the week. We stay in Oak Bluffs, which is a very laid back place, with just enough gift shops, great restaurants and tons of hydrangeas. One of the tasks I'm hoping to take on over the next two days is shooting some more pictures of all the beautiful flowers while I get to know how to use my new DSLR camera that Hubby gave me for my birthday back in April. I need to at least get the basics down before it's time to shoot Luigi, and this is a great opportunity to practice. (Of course, all the pictures here were taken on the iphone. Easier to get them into the blog that way). 

Aside from finally having escaped to the island, I was feeling more relaxed about life before we left for a few reasons. First, having the whole week off made it much easier to head to my two PT, GD Clinic and 30 week OB appointments, which thankfully I was able to gang back to back over two days. My 30 week OB appointment had me feeling much better about the GD. Dr. S basically said I barely failed the one hour test, and the amount of insulin they have me on is so low that I shouldn't be too concerned about it. She rolled her eyes a bit when I told her about all my NSTs and BPPs that I have scheduled, which made me feel better about that over reaction, over precautionary feeling I'd been getting from the GD people. Then she asked if they had spoken to me about induction at 39-40 weeks. No, not yet. But hey, I'll take 39-40 weeks no problem. Although, I'm not super thrilled about an induction after hearing some of your stories. But at least for now I'm going to stop worrying about Luigi coming earlier than 39 weeks. If you recall, I'm planning to stop work at 38 weeks...and I really, really want that week or two to myself to get my life in order first. Or perhaps just to nap! Anyway, just to get some basic reassurance about the end of this pregnancy rather than be lectured about all the things I still need to do and keep track of for the duration did wonders. Don't I look so relaxed on the ferry over to the island?

There are a few other things on my mind, but I don't want to get into them on what is turning out to be a happy and relaxed 300th post that completely snuck up on me. So, I will save them for another time. Happy Weekend!

Full Circle

Well my friends, it seems that this cycle, if I am to call a successful one that turned it a pregnancy such a thing, has officially come full circle. What began on Christmas Day with an injection of Lupron, and continued with varying injections per day through the end of February, will conclude with a minimum of 2 daily injections and 4 finger pricks for the next 10 weeks. That's right, I'm talking insulin here people. I started it in the middle of last week after checking in with the diabetes clinic on Monday with nearly a week's worth of sugar results and my diet log.

The nurse and the dietitian sell insulin like it's no big deal. Like it will take the stress out of managing my sugars. That I am doing the right thing for my baby. But if it's no big deal, then how come I was immediately scheduled for weekly appointments with MFM starting in two weeks. I will be alternating between non-stress tests and bio-physical profiles every Monday from now until mid-September when I will have non-stress tests on Monday and bio-physical profiles on Thursdays until I deliver. Every Monday, after my appointment, I go to the Gestational Diabetes clinic to check in and see if my insulin needs adjusting. Chances are, it will, as I am fighting an up hill battle against the placenta at this point. If I was able to manage with diet, I would only have an ultrasound at 37 weeks, and would still go to the clinic every Monday.

In some ways, I guess it's reassuring to know that they will be keeping great tabs on Luigi. I mean, what infertile would pass up an ultrasound, right? But at the same time, it's incredibly exhausting. My anxiety level is increasing on a daily basis. I am incredibly irritable, and my fuse disappears if I am too hot. Which unfortunately, is kind of hard to avoid these days. I should be relishing the end of my pregnancy, enjoying every last second of it. Instead, I am an anxious ball of stress, on the verge of tears at any given moment. I feel like all the injections and finger pricks are sucking the joy out of these last few months, as the insecurity of a positive IVF pregnancy sucked some of the joy from the beginning.

Hubby and I both feel like we have so much to do to get ready for Luigi and organize life before he gets here, and we can't help but feel that it's more and more likely that he'll need to arrive earlier than anticipated. We're struggling to live in the moment, and to enjoy life and the last moments we have with each other as just us. We need to slow down and give ourselves a break and be ok with everything not being perfectly prepared.

And let's get back to the confusion and frustration of the GD for a minute. I met the nurse a week ago Tuesday and began testing my sugars four times a day, upon waking up, and an hour after each meal. I also need to pee on a stick each morning to check for something called keytones, which are apparently a bi-product of the body breaking down fat to use as energy. They don't want me to have keytones, which means that a bedtime snack is critical, in order to have enough carbs to make it through the night so that fat stores are not needed. Of course, if one is trying to loose weight, keytones sounds like they would be a good thing. But, they can cross the placenta. So, in pregnancy, keytones are bad. Except, that no one will tell us why it is bad if they cross the placenta.

In order to avoid these mysteriously dangerous to baby keytones, I eat the aforementioned bedtime snack, for which a half cup or so of edy's slow churned vanilla ice cream with some nuts added is recommended as an excellent choice. And I have no keytones. But, my fasting blood sugars were in the range of 95-100, which was indicated on the paperwork I was given as normal. Until I showed up for my first check in appointment, and was told that my fasting sugar was too high. Huh? Then why does the paperwork say it should be between 95-100. Oh, apparently, that's out of date. My levels are borderline, and I need to go on insulin at bedtime. Does this seem weird to anyone? Eat ice cream and take insulin before bed. Why not just not eat ice cream and not take insulin. Why, the keytones of course! But what the fuck is wrong with keytones? The only answer we can get out of anyone is that they want all the nutrition for the baby coming from my diet and not my fat stores. Even though my BMI is borderline obese, so clearly I have plenty of fat stores. It all makes my head spin!

The one pattern that did show up that actually did make sense to me was that my breakfast sugar was chronically over by 3-4 points, no matter what I ate. I did experiment with some different options to no avail. Apparently, there is a natural swell in blood sugar that happens in the morning, or after 4 hours of fasting. The liver starts to produce sugar. It was an evolutionary process that enabled cavemen to have enough energy to literally get up first thing in the morning and either run for their life, or catch their breakfast. So, this seemed to be a battle I wasn't going to win without the help of insulin. I started at 2 units with breakfast and have just been increased to 2 as of today. So far, I don't need to take it with any other meals, thank goodness. I really don't want to have to start carrying it around with me all day. Oh, but you know what I do have to carry around with me now that I take insulin? Glucose tablets in case I get sweaty or light headed because my sugar dropped too low. Again, this feels a bit ridiculous. Don't eat to much sugar, but take insulin to help process it, and eat more sugar if the insulin worked too well.

I did hold off one day in starting the insulin. Hubby was really concerned and wanted to talk to the nurse and the endocrinologist before I did. He would have rather pushed back even more to have them give me more time to work on my diet, but I am so hot, and tired, and worn out that I just didn't want to fight about it. I will admit though, that it felt a bit like the party line. Like we give you less than a week to figure it out on your own because we're pretty sure we're just going to treat you generically and make you take insulin anyway. Hubby, a conspiracy theorist, would blame it on the pharmaceutical companies.

I should say, that all the people at the clinic are really lovely, friendly people. I know their intentions are to take the best care of Luigi and myself. It just seems a bit like we Americans hype certain things to much, and follow too prescriptive a path. Like the old 3 clomid IUIs, 3 injectable IUIs before you even more on to IVF, even though you later find out that ICSI was your best shot and all the IUIs were probably a waste of a year. But that's what we do, so that's what we did.

Now, can I complain for a minute about the sugar testing? I have this little device which snaps a lancet into my finger 4 times a day so I can get a drop of blood on to the test strip. I really struggled with this device for the first several days. When the nurse demonstrated it, she said to pull this lever back once to set it. The little blue button releases it. Now, I don't know if my device is broken, or what, but it wasn't bouncing hard enough into my finger to create a big enough drop of blood, and I was having to stab myself 2-3 times for each test. Finally, I discovered that with the first slide of the lever, the lancet was not clicking into place. Now, I slide it once, release it, slide it again until I hear it click. This started to work much better. I was alternating between my index and middle finger until the got so sore that literally pressing the buttons on my car radio was painful. I switched to my ring finger, and decreased the depth of the lancet from a 7 (the highest) to a 5. I'm getting great drops of blood now and no lingering pain.

My last complaint, which I share with all of you in case anyone out there ends up going through something similar, is to be really careful with the priming of the insulin pen. I take two different kinds, depending on the time of day. Both need to be primed with 2 units each and every time. And damn, if the tiniest drop of insulin is left on the outside of the needle, it stings like hell going in. I am learning to be really careful with my priming, and I blot the tiny drops off the tip of the needle with the corner of my alcohol wipe (how convenient that I had a ton of those, and an empty sharps container leftover from the beginning of this cycle). Otherwise, it's just like a Gonal F pen, which I have more than enough experience with.

So, there you have it. The confusion, chaos and frustration of dealing with GD and insulin. I haven't come across anyone writing about this, so in addition to needing to purge it all from my body, hopefully this might be helpful to someone who's unlucky enough to end up in this position in the future.

Behind the Belly Shot

I've gotten a few complements on my belly shots, so I thought I would give you a little behind the scenes look at how I create them. As many of you know by now, I am a designer. So, I guess I'm taking this project a little bit seriously. I promised myself that I would do weekly shots that I can hopefully put in a book with my weekly letters to Luigi. I didn't want to take them in a mirror. I wanted them to be consistent, and somewhat artistic. And I definitely didn't want any of the mess of my house to appear in the background.

To take some of the pressure off, I don't necessarily take the photos on the same day each week. My weeks start on Sunday. I was finding that I was never getting fully dressed on a Sunday, and wasn't happy with my face or what I was wearing. (I have mentioned I'm vain, right? And I didn't feel like putting make-up on just to take a belly shot). So, I've found that either taking the shots in the morning or evening of a work day works best. I usually try to get them done by Wednesday at the latest before I cross the half week mark. 

The first chore in composing my shots was to choose background. I thought about using Luigi's room, but knew it would be chaos in there, and would not be consistent from week to week. I settled on the white closet doors in the office. This is what they often look like when I get ready for the shot. I have to close the doors, and move a bunch of junk quickly out of the way. 

The next task was to find a place to prop the camera. I always set the camera in the same place, and use the timer setting without a flash. I'd rather fuss with the levels in photoshop later than have the tell tale shadow of a flash behind me on the wall. My camera is a canon point and shoot, which has the ability to take up to 10 shots with timer setting. Typically, I set the camera on the filing cabinet which is behind the cardboard crib box in this photo (aaah! we have a crib!) On this particular day, I had to improvise a bit, and managed to yank the ironing board out from behind the box, add a small box on top of the board, with a comb wedged under one side to make it level. Next week will be much easier now that we've assembled the crib and the box is gone!

Then I need to make sure none of the junk on the couch is going to be caught in the corner of the photo. Remember, no mess of my house will be in these shots!

I quickly pull one corner cushion off the couch and stash it somewhere else, and stack all the laundry baskets filled with clothes wrinkling away while they wait for me to fold them, on top of each other. I'm almost ready. Except, this is what I look like:

I quickly loose the glasses (which I don't wear every day, but with pregnancy, my contacts are not getting me through an entire day at the computer right now) and run a brush through my hair (which is almost never down except in my belly shots). And finally, I am ready. I position the camera, and then race across the room to stand in front of the closet. After the 10 shots, I take a quick peek at the camera to make sure I think I have at least one decent shot. This day, I didn't. They were all very crooked, so I did a second round with the comb under the box on the ironing board. 

When I finally get around to it, unfortunately, not quickly enough these days, I sort through the 10 photos I took in iPhoto and choose my favorite one. I've been deleting the extras because I certainly don't need 400 pictures of myself. I export the unedited version out so I can open it in photoshop and get down to the real work. 

I usually have to rotate the image slightly to square it up. I'm talking like .25 - .75 degrees. I do this by drawing a reference line along the bottom closet doors and seeing how off it it. Then, I crop the image from left to right, just inside the door pulls, and from top to bottom, just under the door frame, and a bit below my feet. I use the cloning tool to get rid of the shadow at the top of the right hand door, and to remove the seam between the doors so it look like one solid background. My legs usually end up hiding the seam below my head. I'll usually adjust the levels and curves a little bit to lighten things up a bit as well. Now, my shot looks a little something like this:

But, it's lacking some pop, and that nice crisp white background. So next, I run a photoshop action, Perfect Portrait from the Coffee Shop Blog, which is a bunch or preset steps, including one that lets you pick a point on the background that should be the whitest white. This is how I get the great background. When the actions are done, there are bunch of adjustment layers you can use to soften features, whiten teeth, brighten eyes, etc. I haven't been spending a ton of time with these, but usually just do a quick once over. Lastly, I open up last week's shot, drag over the two text layers and update the number. I use the eye dropped to grab a color from what I'm wearing to use the the number, and then a slightly lighter version for the weeks, and there you have it!

Now, can you see why I'm not able to actually get them posted every week? 

Twenty Nine Weeks

Luigi, my little butternut squash, this has been quite a week. I spent a lot of it trying to make sure that you and I are as healthy as possible. I've been doing physical therapy to strengthen my knees and shoulders so I can lift you up and crawl around on the floor with you and play all day. I also am now having to watch what I eat among other things. I was running around to various appointments all week, and feeling a bit crazed, as I am sure I will feel at times once you arrive. But, life does get crazy at times. I guess it's how we deal with it in the moment that matters, little one.

The best part of the week was our first shower in New York that your Granny threw for us. But had a bit of an adventure on the way there. We take the Mass Pike the whole way to Albany. There is a six mile stretch of fairly steep incline heading up into the Berkshires. It was pouring rain for most of the trip, and as we neared the top of the incline stretch, we spotted a tractor trailer truck that was rolled over on the side of the road. There was no sign of anyone, and no one had yet pulled over to help. Well, your Daddy being who he is immediately pulled the truck over, told me to call 911 and ran out to help. Your Gramma was with us as well, and the two of us watched as Daddy got soaking wt while he helped the two truckers climb out the door, which was now at the top of the truck. Thankfully they were ok, as the truck had stalled and was going quite slowly when it rolled. They had been trying to pull over and caught the edge of the pavement. It was still a pretty freaky sight to see. Daddy brought them into the truck with us to wait for the police so they could get out of the rain. He ended up soaked through to the bone. Luckily, there was a rest stop only two miles further down the road, where we stopped so he could change.

The shower itself was really lovely. There are so many people who are incredibly excited for your arrival. You are a very lucky little boy. Your Aunt C, Granny's sister, was there, and cousin S came up from Brooklyn. Aunt E and cousin S from the other side of the family, came in from near Ithaca, unfortunately without your Great-Nanny who wasn't feeling well. My best friend and roomie from college, L, and my best friend from high school, T (who is also expecting) were there from downstate and DC. I told you you are loved. People came from far and wide. Aunt R sent beautiful orchids and adorable baby themed cookies since coming from England with your newborn cousin G wasn't an option. And Granny had all of her best friends from her neighborhood who are a lot of fun. Granny had lots of games for people to play, and there were lots of laughs as well. And of course, lots of great gifts. A few stand outs were a really cool silver robot piggy bank with green and teal accents which looks perfect in your room, a hand crocheted blanket from Aunt R's mom, a hand crocheted sweater with our last initial in the back from cousin S, and some really great wooden cars from T, and Aunt C who sent them from Florida. I can't wait until we're playing together with all your new toys!