...or should I say stirrups? That's right, its Cycle Day 3!
Just the way every girls likes to start her Saturday, right? My appointment was a 9:00 am, which isn't too bad. The week day ones are usually at 7:30 or earlier. To set the context, my alarm usually goes off on a weekday at 6:30 and I snooze for a half hour. Then I dilly dally for about twenty minutes more until I finally get in the shower. I usually get to work around 9:00.
I wanted to sleep in a bit this morning. It is the weekend after all. I even considered not showering before my appointment, since I plan to get on the elliptical later this morning. But, it is Cycle Day 3 after all. Not exactly a good scene down there. So, shower it was. The hospital is 15 - 45 min away depending on traffic. It's Boston people. Yes, it does vary that much. But it's Saturday, so all should be fine.
I get out of the shower at 8:25, after thinking I would leave at 8:30. Did I mention I'm really good at dilly-dallying. No problem. I'll just grab a granola bar, and eat a real breakfast when I get home. And who needs to bother with make-up for the sonographer? It's now 8:35. I kiss Hubby good-bye and run out the door.
Crap, there is ice on both windshields. Crank up the heat, set the defroster, grab the scraper. OK, back in the car. I put the car in reverse, and then back into park for some reason which I have already forgotten. Then I noticed a light on my dashboard. It wasn't the check engine light, but right next to it. Transmission maybe? I just had my car inspected yesterday. WTF? Did the mess it up. Now my break pedal won't go down, and I can't shift the car.
I run back into house in a panic and yell to Hubby that he needs to drive me. He has a pick-up, and the hospital lot is small, especially with all the snowbanks. Now that I'm in a panic, there's no way I can deal with it.
While he's getting dressed, I go back out, and start the car again. It was fine. So I call Hubby and tell him not to worry, but asked him not to head out on his errands until I was safely back in a moving car.
Whew, It's always something, right?
I made it there with minutes to spare. There was no traffic, but in fact, a bunch of runners training for the marathon to navigate as I pulled into the hospital. I also had to navigate around an extremely large pot hole, after which I exclaimed aloud to myself "wow, that was a really large pot holder!" Clearly, I'm losing it, and I haven't even started the injections yet. Hold on to your hats cowboys, looks like this might be a bumpy ride.
I'm home now though, with a whole day to myself with nothing planned. I need to find a new project now that the wedding album is done. I think it will be the honeymoon album, which is going to be a little different, since I have to do it scrap book style. We bought a nice leather album on our honeymoon for the purpose. By the way, thanks for all the lovely comments on my album. I'm really proud of how it came out, and it's fun to share with people who appreciate it.
I'm heading down to the elliptical shortly with my laptop. Hubby attached a laptop stand to our machine. I'm finding that reading and commenting on blogs while walking is a great way to distract myself into staying on for 30 minutes.
Hope you are all having a great weekend!
2.26.2011
2.24.2011
The Album is Done!
OK, this might be a little excessive, I do realize that. But I finally finished my wedding album and just uploaded the files to Blurb to be printed. I could link to it here, because I do want to share it with all of you, but that would reveal my true identity. So, I made jpgs of all the pages instead. Because I'm just so excited that I finally finished it!!! And I've only been married for two years and nine months! I just need to feel happy and excited, and accomplished a joyful for a bit. So, there you have it...more of my wedding photos than you could possibly ever imagine wanting to see.
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| This is my mom on with us on the left, and Hubby's mom on the right. |
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| My brother and sister-in-love on the top right. |
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| Being silly with my little bro. |
If you made it this far, thanks so much for checking it all out!
2.23.2011
Random Thoughts on Cycle Day 30
Yes, that's right. It's CD30. This is not a good thing.
I have had only three other cycles this long in the last two years since I've been keeping track, and one of them was my chemical pregnancy. To say I am getting impatient would be an understatement. If this had been any other cycle, I would definitely be peeing on thing by now. But this wasn't any old cycle. This is the cycle that benched us. The cycle where we didn't even get to try.
I've been waiting and waiting for CD1 so we can get the show on the road with the next IUI. Even my iPhone app is getting impatient, as it now tells me I am four days late. (yes, a 22 day cycle will throw off your average, and it uses the last three months data). How cruel. I still don't feel any symptoms aside from the lingering bitchiness. In a few more days I may need to call the nurse and ask if this extended cycle is normal after an exuberant cancelled cycle!
In other random thoughts, I still need to finish telling the story of my dad. I believe the next installment will cover our wedding, and possibly his 60th birthday, which was the final event that triggered our estrangement. Maybe I will get to it over the weekend. I have started to talk about him in therapy again, since I had a few weeks where I wasn't overwhelmed with fertility treatments. I think I am making some progress. One of the realizations I'm getting to is trying to accept the fact that I haven't done anything wrong. I haven't been "bad." When I was accused of not liking his new family, or his new wife, or being bitchy to them, or whatever, I've always thought to myself that I didn't understand what I did that would make him think that. I felt caught off-guard and very misunderstood. My therapist kept hinting that maybe I was angry, and maybe I did act out in some way, which make me defensive. It's really hard to remember, but the realization that I'm coming to is that if I did act out, a 14 year old girl who was thrust into a new family where she realted to no one, a year after her dad left her mom for a young blonde deserves to be angry. A 20 year old girl who has a new woman move in with her dad and he doesn't even bother to tell her deserves to be confused. It was not wrong to be angry. I was not "bad" by being angry. And it's not my fault that my dad is/was emotinally incapable of working through the situation in a rational manner without imposing blame. I've got a long way to go, but I think it's progress.
And my last random thought on this most frustrating of Day 30s is about my mom. Now that Hubby has filled her in, and she knows that I don't really want to talk about the situation, she keeps saying things like "I hope you feel joyful today," or "find the joy in each other every day." I know she's concerned, and wants to help. Believe me, I wish she could. I love my mom so much. She's amazing. But having her remind me to feel joyful just makes me feel that much worse that I don't. I wish I could feel more excited that my house that I wanted for so long is really starting to take shape. Don't get me wrong, I love the way it's turning out. I have a lot of other things in my life to be grateful for. But I am having a hard time finding joy in each day right now. Espeically in this particular cramp, backache and blood free Day 30.
Update: I'm spotting. Thank goodness. And that might the only time I'll be thankful for that.
I have had only three other cycles this long in the last two years since I've been keeping track, and one of them was my chemical pregnancy. To say I am getting impatient would be an understatement. If this had been any other cycle, I would definitely be peeing on thing by now. But this wasn't any old cycle. This is the cycle that benched us. The cycle where we didn't even get to try.
I've been waiting and waiting for CD1 so we can get the show on the road with the next IUI. Even my iPhone app is getting impatient, as it now tells me I am four days late. (yes, a 22 day cycle will throw off your average, and it uses the last three months data). How cruel. I still don't feel any symptoms aside from the lingering bitchiness. In a few more days I may need to call the nurse and ask if this extended cycle is normal after an exuberant cancelled cycle!
In other random thoughts, I still need to finish telling the story of my dad. I believe the next installment will cover our wedding, and possibly his 60th birthday, which was the final event that triggered our estrangement. Maybe I will get to it over the weekend. I have started to talk about him in therapy again, since I had a few weeks where I wasn't overwhelmed with fertility treatments. I think I am making some progress. One of the realizations I'm getting to is trying to accept the fact that I haven't done anything wrong. I haven't been "bad." When I was accused of not liking his new family, or his new wife, or being bitchy to them, or whatever, I've always thought to myself that I didn't understand what I did that would make him think that. I felt caught off-guard and very misunderstood. My therapist kept hinting that maybe I was angry, and maybe I did act out in some way, which make me defensive. It's really hard to remember, but the realization that I'm coming to is that if I did act out, a 14 year old girl who was thrust into a new family where she realted to no one, a year after her dad left her mom for a young blonde deserves to be angry. A 20 year old girl who has a new woman move in with her dad and he doesn't even bother to tell her deserves to be confused. It was not wrong to be angry. I was not "bad" by being angry. And it's not my fault that my dad is/was emotinally incapable of working through the situation in a rational manner without imposing blame. I've got a long way to go, but I think it's progress.
And my last random thought on this most frustrating of Day 30s is about my mom. Now that Hubby has filled her in, and she knows that I don't really want to talk about the situation, she keeps saying things like "I hope you feel joyful today," or "find the joy in each other every day." I know she's concerned, and wants to help. Believe me, I wish she could. I love my mom so much. She's amazing. But having her remind me to feel joyful just makes me feel that much worse that I don't. I wish I could feel more excited that my house that I wanted for so long is really starting to take shape. Don't get me wrong, I love the way it's turning out. I have a lot of other things in my life to be grateful for. But I am having a hard time finding joy in each day right now. Espeically in this particular cramp, backache and blood free Day 30.
* * *
Update: I'm spotting. Thank goodness. And that might the only time I'll be thankful for that.
2.22.2011
Tag, I'm It
Hey everyone, I've been tagged by a Southern Princess.
What exactly does that mean?
Rule #1: the tagged person must write their answers on their blog and replace any question they dislike with a new question formulated by themselves.
Rule #2: tag 4 people to do this quiz; they cannot refuse (ok, so nothing bad will happen if you don’t participate but I would love to see your answers). The tag-ee must state who tagged them.
1. If you have pets, do you see them as merely animals or are they members of your family? We have two cats. Siegfried & Roy. They came with Hubby. I was never a cat person, but the boys have grown on me. Even thought their primary reaction is still to run away from me when I come at them for a hug. Guess I'm not supposed to approach. When I'm asleep, they lie on me all the time. **forgot to mention last night that they are very much members of the family. When the let me, I pick them up and rock them like the are babies. And they have lots of nicknames...Ziggy, Zig Zag, Zigazig-ah, Mr. Roy, Royzah, and my favorites, when we write the graphic novel...the adventures of Zig Man and Roy Boy.**
2. If you could have a dream come true, what would it be? Does anyone have a dream other than a healthy baby?
3. What would you do with a billion dollars? Pay off all my debt. Buy a bigger house with a pool. Take vacations. Quit working and try to design stuff to sell. Take care of my family.
4. What helps to pull you out of a bad mood? Cadbury Creme Eggs and Margaritas.
5. What is your bedtime routine? Drag myself off the couch where I am half asleep into the bathroom, and then upstairs for lights out. I used to read more, but have fallen out of the habit when I was studying for my exam.
6. If you are currently in a relationship, how did you meet your significant other? I have been married to my wonderful Hubby for almost three years. We met just about five years ago online, at chemistry.com. It matches people by personality type. I'm a negotiator/director, and he's a negotiator/builder.
7. What kind of books do you read? I used to read a lot of Chick Lit. Anna Maxsted was one of my favorite authors in the genre. Lately, I read a lot of magazines, catalogues and blogs.
8. What is a place you have always wanted to visit? I would love to go on a cruise around the islands of Greece. As a kid, I loved mythology. And having studied architecture, I think it would be a fascinating place to visit.
9. What’s your fear? Spiders. Never being a mom.
10. Would you give up all junk food for the rest of your life for the opportunity to see outer space? This is actually really hard for me. I was obsessed with the movie Space Camp as a kid. But to never eat another potato chip or dip.... But I would be skinnier? But there is no gravity in outer space...?
11. What’s the first thing you do when you wake up? Hit snooze.
12. If you could change one thing about your significant other, what would it be? He's pretty perfect, but I do wish he didn't store and could control his killer pointy elbows a bit better.
13. If you could pick a new name for yourself, what would it be? Despite the fact that I have an extremely common name, I do in fact like it quite a bit.
14. If you had to choose between six months of sun or six months of rain, what would you choose? Uh...sun? Duh.
15. If you could only eat one thing for the next 6 months, what would it be? Cheese
16. What is the thing you enjoy about blogging the most? Finding the humor in what we go through, and finding amazing women to relate to.
17. Do you prefer salty or sweet foods? Salt. definitely salt.
18. What items are in your purse right now? Too many lipsticks and glosses to count, a mirror, a small architect's scale, a reusable shopping bag, sunglasses, ear buds for my iphone, a note book, a pouch of makeup and other feminine items, business cards, by wallet, two mini photos albums of honeymoon photos, pamprin, gum, my renewed car registration so I remember to put it in the car tomorrow. tissues, paperwork I need to send to one of my 401ks who never changed my name and now wants a new marriage certificate because mine is over 2 years old (yeah, that was an adventure in phone calls today. can somebody please tell me why a marriage certificate would not be valid anymore? and why I have to spend $30 on a new one?!?!
19. If you had to choose between vacationing at the beach or in the mountains where would you go? beach, but if there is a lake or a place to swim in the mountains, then I can be pretty darn happy either way.
20. What do you watch on television that you know you shouldn’t? General Hospital. RuPaul's Drag Race.
Ok, now you're it...
Miss Conception
A Miracle 4 Us
I Can't Control Everything
Greetings from Nowhere, NM
Have fun!
What exactly does that mean?
Rule #1: the tagged person must write their answers on their blog and replace any question they dislike with a new question formulated by themselves.
Rule #2: tag 4 people to do this quiz; they cannot refuse (ok, so nothing bad will happen if you don’t participate but I would love to see your answers). The tag-ee must state who tagged them.
1. If you have pets, do you see them as merely animals or are they members of your family? We have two cats. Siegfried & Roy. They came with Hubby. I was never a cat person, but the boys have grown on me. Even thought their primary reaction is still to run away from me when I come at them for a hug. Guess I'm not supposed to approach. When I'm asleep, they lie on me all the time. **forgot to mention last night that they are very much members of the family. When the let me, I pick them up and rock them like the are babies. And they have lots of nicknames...Ziggy, Zig Zag, Zigazig-ah, Mr. Roy, Royzah, and my favorites, when we write the graphic novel...the adventures of Zig Man and Roy Boy.**
2. If you could have a dream come true, what would it be? Does anyone have a dream other than a healthy baby?
3. What would you do with a billion dollars? Pay off all my debt. Buy a bigger house with a pool. Take vacations. Quit working and try to design stuff to sell. Take care of my family.
4. What helps to pull you out of a bad mood? Cadbury Creme Eggs and Margaritas.
5. What is your bedtime routine? Drag myself off the couch where I am half asleep into the bathroom, and then upstairs for lights out. I used to read more, but have fallen out of the habit when I was studying for my exam.
6. If you are currently in a relationship, how did you meet your significant other? I have been married to my wonderful Hubby for almost three years. We met just about five years ago online, at chemistry.com. It matches people by personality type. I'm a negotiator/director, and he's a negotiator/builder.
7. What kind of books do you read? I used to read a lot of Chick Lit. Anna Maxsted was one of my favorite authors in the genre. Lately, I read a lot of magazines, catalogues and blogs.
8. What is a place you have always wanted to visit? I would love to go on a cruise around the islands of Greece. As a kid, I loved mythology. And having studied architecture, I think it would be a fascinating place to visit.
9. What’s your fear? Spiders. Never being a mom.
10. Would you give up all junk food for the rest of your life for the opportunity to see outer space? This is actually really hard for me. I was obsessed with the movie Space Camp as a kid. But to never eat another potato chip or dip.... But I would be skinnier? But there is no gravity in outer space...?
11. What’s the first thing you do when you wake up? Hit snooze.
12. If you could change one thing about your significant other, what would it be? He's pretty perfect, but I do wish he didn't store and could control his killer pointy elbows a bit better.
13. If you could pick a new name for yourself, what would it be? Despite the fact that I have an extremely common name, I do in fact like it quite a bit.
14. If you had to choose between six months of sun or six months of rain, what would you choose? Uh...sun? Duh.
15. If you could only eat one thing for the next 6 months, what would it be? Cheese
16. What is the thing you enjoy about blogging the most? Finding the humor in what we go through, and finding amazing women to relate to.
17. Do you prefer salty or sweet foods? Salt. definitely salt.
18. What items are in your purse right now? Too many lipsticks and glosses to count, a mirror, a small architect's scale, a reusable shopping bag, sunglasses, ear buds for my iphone, a note book, a pouch of makeup and other feminine items, business cards, by wallet, two mini photos albums of honeymoon photos, pamprin, gum, my renewed car registration so I remember to put it in the car tomorrow. tissues, paperwork I need to send to one of my 401ks who never changed my name and now wants a new marriage certificate because mine is over 2 years old (yeah, that was an adventure in phone calls today. can somebody please tell me why a marriage certificate would not be valid anymore? and why I have to spend $30 on a new one?!?!
19. If you had to choose between vacationing at the beach or in the mountains where would you go? beach, but if there is a lake or a place to swim in the mountains, then I can be pretty darn happy either way.
20. What do you watch on television that you know you shouldn’t? General Hospital. RuPaul's Drag Race.
Ok, now you're it...
Miss Conception
A Miracle 4 Us
I Can't Control Everything
Greetings from Nowhere, NM
Have fun!
2.21.2011
I am a Miserable Bitch
It's Day 28. I am not in control of my emotions and I've been acting like a miserable bitch for days.
I've been patient, since finding out a little over two weeks ago that our fifth IUI cycle was cancelled. But I have about had it. More often than not, my cycles are 27 days. Which means AF should have arrived today. But as of yet, there is no sign. And aside from a few slight cramps here and there, the only symptom I have is the bitchiness. Can we please get on with it already? I am really ready to get this one last IUI show on the road.
My mom has been visiting for the long weekend. She leaves tomorrow morning. We bought a house six months ago, and every so often, she comes to visit and helps us with some big house project. I'm easily distracted, and she's good at motivating me. But, I've been anxious because I haven't really talked to her about what is going on with us. She's dropped millions of hints giving me an opening, and I just can't do it. It's not that I don't want her to know what's going on, it's more that I just can't open myself up to feel all the emotions. Even if it might ultimately be beneficial.
So, we've had a crazy, busy, productive weekend here. We unpacked our entire book collection onto some new shelves Hubby and I bought and assembled last weekend. We installed the living room window treatment which has been causing me great stress for months. We sorted, purged, and stored stuff away in our attic, organized my closet, did loads and loads of laundry, and Hubby finished installing a countertop we added to our kitchen. The whole time, though my house is becoming more organized an beautiful right before my eyes, I've been cranky, snappy and bitchy. It's a good thing my mom and Hubby love me so much.
This afternoon, Mom asked me if I wanted to tell her why I was so sad. I said no, but Hubby would fill her in later. I don't want her to worry too much, at least because she doesn't know. But there is really nothing to tell her. It's unexplained. In any case, I have the most wonderful husband in the world, and he just had a chat with my mom while I was in the shower. I have yet to hear the details. But hopefully, she can stop being too concerned and I can keep from becoming a blithering mess.
And despite all my bitchiness, our house is really starting to come together, which does inspire me to keep going, and move on to other rooms. Hubby works incredibly hard to keep me happy, making the improvements that I dream up, making endless trips up and down the stairs of our split level, and all the while telling me that I'm doing great, even though all I can do is snip and snap.
I've been patient, since finding out a little over two weeks ago that our fifth IUI cycle was cancelled. But I have about had it. More often than not, my cycles are 27 days. Which means AF should have arrived today. But as of yet, there is no sign. And aside from a few slight cramps here and there, the only symptom I have is the bitchiness. Can we please get on with it already? I am really ready to get this one last IUI show on the road.
My mom has been visiting for the long weekend. She leaves tomorrow morning. We bought a house six months ago, and every so often, she comes to visit and helps us with some big house project. I'm easily distracted, and she's good at motivating me. But, I've been anxious because I haven't really talked to her about what is going on with us. She's dropped millions of hints giving me an opening, and I just can't do it. It's not that I don't want her to know what's going on, it's more that I just can't open myself up to feel all the emotions. Even if it might ultimately be beneficial.
So, we've had a crazy, busy, productive weekend here. We unpacked our entire book collection onto some new shelves Hubby and I bought and assembled last weekend. We installed the living room window treatment which has been causing me great stress for months. We sorted, purged, and stored stuff away in our attic, organized my closet, did loads and loads of laundry, and Hubby finished installing a countertop we added to our kitchen. The whole time, though my house is becoming more organized an beautiful right before my eyes, I've been cranky, snappy and bitchy. It's a good thing my mom and Hubby love me so much.
This afternoon, Mom asked me if I wanted to tell her why I was so sad. I said no, but Hubby would fill her in later. I don't want her to worry too much, at least because she doesn't know. But there is really nothing to tell her. It's unexplained. In any case, I have the most wonderful husband in the world, and he just had a chat with my mom while I was in the shower. I have yet to hear the details. But hopefully, she can stop being too concerned and I can keep from becoming a blithering mess.
And despite all my bitchiness, our house is really starting to come together, which does inspire me to keep going, and move on to other rooms. Hubby works incredibly hard to keep me happy, making the improvements that I dream up, making endless trips up and down the stairs of our split level, and all the while telling me that I'm doing great, even though all I can do is snip and snap.
* * * *
Update. The three of us are back from a lovely dinner out, and are relaxing on the couch enjoying a movie on Mom's last night here. I'm feeling more calm at the moment, and hoping it stays with me into the week. (I have my doubts, but I'll take it for the moment!) I thought I'd share a few pictures of what we were up to this weekend.
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| New window treatment and freshly painted walls. (The green chair is in desperate need of a slip cover!) |
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| This is "before" we painted the room a few weeks ago. The rest of the house is this horrible pale yellow color. I can't wait to keep painting! |
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| This is our new library wall in the basement family room. Here's hoping we have to downsize my magazine collection in favor of children's books some day. We still need a new floor, and paint on the wood panels, but it's getting there. |
My First ICLW
Hi everyone!
I want to welcome any new readers to my blog for my first ever ICLW. I only started this blog at the beginning of the new year, and am amazed at what a difference it has made in my life. It is comforting to read other's posts that so perfectly echo what is going on in my mind, an to know that I am not alone. It is inspiring to read about those who have had BFPs recently through IVF or otherwise. It gives me hope that I too will someday get the result I seek.
For newcomers, you can get the basics for my history by looking at my timeline to the side. But the quick summary is that I'm freaking out about my impending birthday in April. I will be 36. We threw away the BCPs just before my 34 birthday, and started strategically TTC about 18 months ago. We've had one BFP a year ago, was a chemical pregnancy and resulted in a miscarriage. We've been working with an RE for the last 6 months. We're planning one more IUI with injectables next cycle before we move on to IVF sometime later this spring if necessary. But before we do that, we're heading to London for a week to visit my perfect brother, sister-in-love (she coined the phrase, it's kinda sweet), and darling niece Lady C who will be 9.5 months old during our visit. I'm hoping to pick up good baby vibes instead of jealousy!
Lastly, if your name happens to be Jennifer like me, please check out this post. I'm trying to collect 27 of us.
I'm looking forward to getting to know more of you this week! (and of course staying up to date on the rest of you)
I want to welcome any new readers to my blog for my first ever ICLW. I only started this blog at the beginning of the new year, and am amazed at what a difference it has made in my life. It is comforting to read other's posts that so perfectly echo what is going on in my mind, an to know that I am not alone. It is inspiring to read about those who have had BFPs recently through IVF or otherwise. It gives me hope that I too will someday get the result I seek.
For newcomers, you can get the basics for my history by looking at my timeline to the side. But the quick summary is that I'm freaking out about my impending birthday in April. I will be 36. We threw away the BCPs just before my 34 birthday, and started strategically TTC about 18 months ago. We've had one BFP a year ago, was a chemical pregnancy and resulted in a miscarriage. We've been working with an RE for the last 6 months. We're planning one more IUI with injectables next cycle before we move on to IVF sometime later this spring if necessary. But before we do that, we're heading to London for a week to visit my perfect brother, sister-in-love (she coined the phrase, it's kinda sweet), and darling niece Lady C who will be 9.5 months old during our visit. I'm hoping to pick up good baby vibes instead of jealousy!
Lastly, if your name happens to be Jennifer like me, please check out this post. I'm trying to collect 27 of us.
I'm looking forward to getting to know more of you this week! (and of course staying up to date on the rest of you)
2.19.2011
Love in an Elevator
....or shots in the ass in an elevator? Doesn't quite have the same ring.
Did anyone see Grey's this week? Warning...Spoilers ahead.
I know there has been some discussion and mixed opinions about their various pregnancy/infertility storylines. I've been a faithful watcher of Grey's since the very beginning. Many a tear has rolled down my check over the years, despite the fact that I hate to cry. Maybe it's been a bit theraputic. A chance to let some of those tears out.
In any case, I am glad that they are addressing the issue of infertility. I'm withholding my final judgement until I see the result of the story arc. But in the meantime, there are some moments I find very relatable.
Like this week for instance. Meredith was running the ER. She was frantically running around taking care of patients, and checking in with Derek to make sure that we would be meeting her precisely at 6:30. They wanted us thinking that they were planning to meet for a BD because it was a fertile time. When they showed up at the on-call room to find it already occupied, there was a moment of panic. How on earth to fit in the deed now. Derek smirks, and pulls Mere into the elevator, stands behind her and tells her to pull down her pants.
And we're thinking "Seriously?! In the elevator?
Her face scrunches up in pain, and we see that he had pulled a syringe out of his pocket and stabbed her in the ass. After which he un-stops the elevator and they go about their busy night at the hospital.
To me, it was a moment of comedy which made me giggle over some of the absurdity I've already been through in trying to make sure I get my shots. And it was a moment of reality that fertiles are most likely completely unaware of. Maybe it will help shed some light on what we go through.
The other moment that struck me was when Christina approached Meredith about Cali wanting Christina to be her baby's godmother. Meredith told Christina it was out of the question. She later revealed that it was because if her own best friend agreed to be the godmother to someone else's baby, it was like admitting that Mere would never have a baby of her own. This to me was a moment of real envy that I so often find myself facing when I find that others around me are so magically fertile.
The last moment I want to point out was from a week or so ago. Mark told Derek he and Cali were having a baby, and asked for advice about how to handle Lexi. Derek offered none, but simple stated that all Mark had to do was look at a woman, yet he and Mere were struggling. Yet another common infertile thought, whether or not it's stated out loud.
Like I said, I am reserving judgement until the arc plays out, but in the meantime, I am glad that some of these emotions and experiences are being played out.
So, on a lighter note, infertile friends, what are some of your absurd experiences involving injections?
I tell of the anxiety of the first and only time I had to travel with drugs here (the planning), here (getting through security), and here (my first self injection). We've had other moments, like potentially having to reschedule Hubby's birthday dinner out due to a trigger shot schedule, and sneaking off upstairs in the middle of a dinner party, leaving our friends to dish themselves up. I'm sure there will be more (maybe not too many?) this coming cycle. Just waiting to get started.
Did anyone see Grey's this week? Warning...Spoilers ahead.
I know there has been some discussion and mixed opinions about their various pregnancy/infertility storylines. I've been a faithful watcher of Grey's since the very beginning. Many a tear has rolled down my check over the years, despite the fact that I hate to cry. Maybe it's been a bit theraputic. A chance to let some of those tears out.
In any case, I am glad that they are addressing the issue of infertility. I'm withholding my final judgement until I see the result of the story arc. But in the meantime, there are some moments I find very relatable.
Like this week for instance. Meredith was running the ER. She was frantically running around taking care of patients, and checking in with Derek to make sure that we would be meeting her precisely at 6:30. They wanted us thinking that they were planning to meet for a BD because it was a fertile time. When they showed up at the on-call room to find it already occupied, there was a moment of panic. How on earth to fit in the deed now. Derek smirks, and pulls Mere into the elevator, stands behind her and tells her to pull down her pants.
And we're thinking "Seriously?! In the elevator?
Her face scrunches up in pain, and we see that he had pulled a syringe out of his pocket and stabbed her in the ass. After which he un-stops the elevator and they go about their busy night at the hospital.
To me, it was a moment of comedy which made me giggle over some of the absurdity I've already been through in trying to make sure I get my shots. And it was a moment of reality that fertiles are most likely completely unaware of. Maybe it will help shed some light on what we go through.
The other moment that struck me was when Christina approached Meredith about Cali wanting Christina to be her baby's godmother. Meredith told Christina it was out of the question. She later revealed that it was because if her own best friend agreed to be the godmother to someone else's baby, it was like admitting that Mere would never have a baby of her own. This to me was a moment of real envy that I so often find myself facing when I find that others around me are so magically fertile.
The last moment I want to point out was from a week or so ago. Mark told Derek he and Cali were having a baby, and asked for advice about how to handle Lexi. Derek offered none, but simple stated that all Mark had to do was look at a woman, yet he and Mere were struggling. Yet another common infertile thought, whether or not it's stated out loud.
Like I said, I am reserving judgement until the arc plays out, but in the meantime, I am glad that some of these emotions and experiences are being played out.
So, on a lighter note, infertile friends, what are some of your absurd experiences involving injections?
I tell of the anxiety of the first and only time I had to travel with drugs here (the planning), here (getting through security), and here (my first self injection). We've had other moments, like potentially having to reschedule Hubby's birthday dinner out due to a trigger shot schedule, and sneaking off upstairs in the middle of a dinner party, leaving our friends to dish themselves up. I'm sure there will be more (maybe not too many?) this coming cycle. Just waiting to get started.
2.16.2011
Mid-Week Blahs
I'm feeling kinda blah, a little bit sad, and I'm not quite sure why. It just kind of hit me as I was driving home from work tonight. It's it funny how quickly moods can change? I have a deadline at work on Tuesday, which in my field, means a week or more of intense time before hand. And, we're trying hard not to work over the holiday weekend. The thing about this particular deadline is that's it's not my project. I've been bouncing around from project to project for the last four months. It's not very motivating. And let's face it, my priorities are elsewhere. I don't feel any attachment to the work. I am drawing and documenting what needs to be done, but I am not the one who gets to make any decisions. I just have to get it done. And it's just kind of blah.
I'm thinking about my dad. I've been feeling much more anxious since I started writing about him. Maybe that's a good thing. Something I need to go through, but that doesn't make it fun.
I have a little cold, a sore throat and some sinus pressure.
My mom is coming to visit this weekend to help us work on our house. I'm really excited, but I'm also nervous because I know she will be asking questions, and I'm really not capable of talking to her about this. Maybe I will ask Hubby to fill her in. I can't decide.
One good thing about today, I saw a number on the scale that I haven't seen in a long time. Nearly 20 pounds down from my wedding weight, which was my all time high. Don't you just love it. I clearly did not handle the wedding planning stress very well. In any case, my no-pressure new year's plan to do 20 minutes minimum on the elliptical 4 times per week may be starting to make a difference. I'm terrible at work out plans, so I started with a really low goal. Most days, I'm managing 30 minutes, and I get to think of it as a bonus instead of an under achievement (my Dr. would prefer 45 min every day, not sure when I'd ever find the time for that!) See how that works.
Anyway, it's a bit of a ramble for a blahish Wednesday night. I'm looking forward to the long weekend, that's for sure!
I'm thinking about my dad. I've been feeling much more anxious since I started writing about him. Maybe that's a good thing. Something I need to go through, but that doesn't make it fun.
I have a little cold, a sore throat and some sinus pressure.
My mom is coming to visit this weekend to help us work on our house. I'm really excited, but I'm also nervous because I know she will be asking questions, and I'm really not capable of talking to her about this. Maybe I will ask Hubby to fill her in. I can't decide.
One good thing about today, I saw a number on the scale that I haven't seen in a long time. Nearly 20 pounds down from my wedding weight, which was my all time high. Don't you just love it. I clearly did not handle the wedding planning stress very well. In any case, my no-pressure new year's plan to do 20 minutes minimum on the elliptical 4 times per week may be starting to make a difference. I'm terrible at work out plans, so I started with a really low goal. Most days, I'm managing 30 minutes, and I get to think of it as a bonus instead of an under achievement (my Dr. would prefer 45 min every day, not sure when I'd ever find the time for that!) See how that works.
Anyway, it's a bit of a ramble for a blahish Wednesday night. I'm looking forward to the long weekend, that's for sure!
2.15.2011
27 Jennifers
Jennifer \j(e)-nni-fer\ is a girl's name pronounced JEN-ee-fer, JEN-if-er. The name is Welsh, is a variant of Guinevere, King Arthur's Queen. It means "fair one".
I'm on a deadline this week a work, so my little brain does not have space for another therapy session just yet. Inspired by the song, 27 Jennifers, (see lyrics below) I thought I was take a little time out for some amusement. I always knew Jennifer was the most popular name the year I was born. But until I did a little digging tonight, I don't think I realized that it completely dominated the 70s.
Here's how it ranks in popularity as a name in the 70s.
1968 - 4 (Hubby's age - though he's a December baby so was in school with the 1969ers)
1969 - 3
1970 - 1
1971 - 1 (turning 40, notice how it's not over the hill anymore?)
1972 - 1
1973 - 1
1974 - 1
1975 - 1 (the year I was born, we're turning 36!)
1976 - 1 (turning 35, advanced maternal age, yuck!)
1977 - 1
1978 - 1
1979 - 1
1980 - 1
1981 - 1 (turning 30, but it's the new 20, right?)
1982 - 1
1983 - 1
1984 - 1
1985 - 3
1986 - 4
1987 - 4
1988 - 5
It is of no surprise that the last time I was in the waiting room at the RE's office, there were no less than 3 Jennifers present. This makes things complicated with all the HIPPA regulations prompting healthcare providers not to call last names out loud. I had one incident where I made it all the way back to the ultrasound room before the technician realized she had the wrong one. She gave me a very funny look when she asked me to confirm my last name and birthdate. As long as the eggs and the sperm end up in the right place, we don't have anything to worry about.
I figure, since I fall smack dab into the middle of the decade of Jennifers, maybe I can find 27 of you out there who are having similar experiences. I know I've already heard from a few of you. So here's my goal, to get 27 Jennifers to comment on this post. Tell me the year you were born, and even your middle name. There are definite trends there. And you other ladies, feel free to spread the word of my little game if you so wish.
27 Jennifers by Mike Doughty
I went to school with 27 Jennifers
16 Jenns, 10 Jennies, and then there was her
It’s the sweet shine of,
Yeah, force of divine love
The blessed arrival of you
You might be the one that I’ve been seeking for
You might be the strange delightful
You might be the girly who shall end all girls
You might be the sweet unspiteful
I rode the bus with 27 Jennifers
15 Jenns, 10 Jennies disapproved of her...
Wedding Mania
Just a quick not to say thanks how much fun I am having looking at everyone's wedding photos. I'm still working my way through the list. Thanks for organizing, Elphaba! It's fun to put faces to those of you who haven't yet revealed yourselves. And I love weddings. I used to work as an invitation designer, and thought about becoming a wedding planner. It makes me a little bit sad not to have a good excuse to keep buying Martha S. Weddings.
It's also really great to read all the love stories, which sometimes end up neglected when living in the land of if.
Thanks to everyone who stopped by to check out my photos! 32 more color conversions to go, and I'll be ready to make that pdf and get my album Blurb! I can't wait.
It's also really great to read all the love stories, which sometimes end up neglected when living in the land of if.
Thanks to everyone who stopped by to check out my photos! 32 more color conversions to go, and I'll be ready to make that pdf and get my album Blurb! I can't wait.
2.14.2011
Happy Valentine's Day
Taking a break from my therapy sessions, it's time to celebrate Valentine's Day. As was suggested by Elphaba and Marie, I'm going share a photo of Hubby and me, on our wedding day. Coincidentally, I've been working on my wedding album since we were married in May 2008, and I just finished retouching all the photos. I'm almost ready to upload the files to Blurb, and finally get it printed, which has been my goal before each of the two anniversaries we've had so far. Looks like this year I might make it if I can get through a few technical difficulties, and a whole lot of RGB to CMYK color conversions I'm just realizing are necessary. Oh well!
In any case you are getting the glowing and airbrushed versions of us. And because my photoshop skills are not that good, you are also getting a more recent picture taken on a trip to New Hampshire this past summer. We're both down a few pounds since the wedding, and yes, I nicked named myself Purple Principessa for a reason. I am vain. (I did just spend months photoshoping away my extra chins and under eye circles after all.)
Hope you are all having a wonderful Valentine's celebration. We're keeping it simple this year, heading to a favorite Mexican place for a Margarita. We're saving the big celebration for next month, the five year anniversary of our first date! I'm planning to tell you a bit more about my wonderful Hubby then.
Elphaba is keeping a list of all who are participating in the photo sharing. Check it out here.
In any case you are getting the glowing and airbrushed versions of us. And because my photoshop skills are not that good, you are also getting a more recent picture taken on a trip to New Hampshire this past summer. We're both down a few pounds since the wedding, and yes, I nicked named myself Purple Principessa for a reason. I am vain. (I did just spend months photoshoping away my extra chins and under eye circles after all.)
Hope you are all having a wonderful Valentine's celebration. We're keeping it simple this year, heading to a favorite Mexican place for a Margarita. We're saving the big celebration for next month, the five year anniversary of our first date! I'm planning to tell you a bit more about my wonderful Hubby then.
Elphaba is keeping a list of all who are participating in the photo sharing. Check it out here.
2.08.2011
RESOLVE
I am going to my second RESOLVE Peer Support Group session tonight and I can't wait (assuming the snow doesn't postpone it again, like it did last week). The first meeting I attended changed my life.
I discovered this organization through the website for the fertility pharmacy where we got our first round of injectables, back in December, and the peer group started calling to me. I have been in therapy for anxiety on and off for ten years. The idea of walking into a room full of people and talking about my struggles was intimidating, but I figured I could handle it. I thought I could always say I would rather listen than talk if it came to that. So, I hit my first meeting, located conveniently right down the street from my house, the first week of the new year. Hubby was not able to join me, but he is coming tonight.
There were only two other couples there. It was refreshing and eye-opening to hear men talk about their side of things. One couple was still in a diagnosis phase, the other was about to start their third round of IVF. I am somewhere in the middle. The group leader has an amazing story, and has been through just about anything you can imagine encountering in the Land of IF.
One of the couples mentioned how they were blogging as a way to cope with their emotions. This idea intrigued me. My best friend started a blog when she was going through an adoption process, and found it very rewarding. I had never really thought about a blog about infertility. I'd stumbled across very bulletin boards, forums etc, but never really blogs.
When I got home from the meeting, I literally googled "infertility blog" and found Stirrup Queens. From there, I started poking around and reading blogs from her blog roll. Within four days, I knew I had to start my own blog. And then I found all of you. And my life was changed. I may feel isolated and lonely on this journey, but emotionally, I know now that I am no where near alone.
I decided to join RESOLVE. I still need to spend some time investigating everything they do, and if there are other ways I might like to get involved. But living in a state that DOES have mandated coverage makes me feel the importance of this type of organization. Joining seems like a way I can try to help others.
So, if you are not familiar, I highly recommend you check it out and see what they are up to near you.
RESOLVE
RESOLVE of the Bay State
I discovered this organization through the website for the fertility pharmacy where we got our first round of injectables, back in December, and the peer group started calling to me. I have been in therapy for anxiety on and off for ten years. The idea of walking into a room full of people and talking about my struggles was intimidating, but I figured I could handle it. I thought I could always say I would rather listen than talk if it came to that. So, I hit my first meeting, located conveniently right down the street from my house, the first week of the new year. Hubby was not able to join me, but he is coming tonight.
There were only two other couples there. It was refreshing and eye-opening to hear men talk about their side of things. One couple was still in a diagnosis phase, the other was about to start their third round of IVF. I am somewhere in the middle. The group leader has an amazing story, and has been through just about anything you can imagine encountering in the Land of IF.
One of the couples mentioned how they were blogging as a way to cope with their emotions. This idea intrigued me. My best friend started a blog when she was going through an adoption process, and found it very rewarding. I had never really thought about a blog about infertility. I'd stumbled across very bulletin boards, forums etc, but never really blogs.
When I got home from the meeting, I literally googled "infertility blog" and found Stirrup Queens. From there, I started poking around and reading blogs from her blog roll. Within four days, I knew I had to start my own blog. And then I found all of you. And my life was changed. I may feel isolated and lonely on this journey, but emotionally, I know now that I am no where near alone.
I decided to join RESOLVE. I still need to spend some time investigating everything they do, and if there are other ways I might like to get involved. But living in a state that DOES have mandated coverage makes me feel the importance of this type of organization. Joining seems like a way I can try to help others.
So, if you are not familiar, I highly recommend you check it out and see what they are up to near you.
RESOLVE
RESOLVE of the Bay State
2.06.2011
Only Four Weeks
...and other random thoughts for a cold and sunny Sunday morning.
First, I neglected to thank you all yesterday for your comments on this post. Even though we decided to listen to the nurses (I got a second call on Friday morning...."now make sure you are VERY careful. We don't want a pregnancy with all of those follicles..." OK, maybe YOU don't Nurse Susan...but I'm not so sure about ME, but anyway...) I am glad to know there are rebels out there who wouldn't listen. Because if faced with this situation again, I might not be able to find the patience.
My next IUI should only be about 4 weeks away. It should have been in the last day or so. I can wait for four weeks. In the grand scheme of a child's life, what is four weeks? (I am saying all of this to try to convince myself it's true since I'm obviously having a little trouble with patience right now). I can have a little breather, which is a different kind of breather than an unassisted cycle where we're still trying on our own. I won't have to worry about Hubby and his little blue pill. I won't have to two-week-wait. I just have to wait. And there is a big difference.
Since there won't be progress reports to stew over, I'm going to try to take this opportunity to write some of the posts that have been floating around in my head, to use this blog in a theraputic way, like the chalkboard exercise Bridget mentioned the other day. Write about various stresses and worries (like age) and erase them away.
For all you football fans out there, I hope you enjoy the Super Bowl today. Being from New England, it's quiet. It's like we wrote it on our chalkboard and erased it. No one is talking about it. I think it's sort of funny.
First, I neglected to thank you all yesterday for your comments on this post. Even though we decided to listen to the nurses (I got a second call on Friday morning...."now make sure you are VERY careful. We don't want a pregnancy with all of those follicles..." OK, maybe YOU don't Nurse Susan...but I'm not so sure about ME, but anyway...) I am glad to know there are rebels out there who wouldn't listen. Because if faced with this situation again, I might not be able to find the patience.
My next IUI should only be about 4 weeks away. It should have been in the last day or so. I can wait for four weeks. In the grand scheme of a child's life, what is four weeks? (I am saying all of this to try to convince myself it's true since I'm obviously having a little trouble with patience right now). I can have a little breather, which is a different kind of breather than an unassisted cycle where we're still trying on our own. I won't have to worry about Hubby and his little blue pill. I won't have to two-week-wait. I just have to wait. And there is a big difference.
Since there won't be progress reports to stew over, I'm going to try to take this opportunity to write some of the posts that have been floating around in my head, to use this blog in a theraputic way, like the chalkboard exercise Bridget mentioned the other day. Write about various stresses and worries (like age) and erase them away.
For all you football fans out there, I hope you enjoy the Super Bowl today. Being from New England, it's quiet. It's like we wrote it on our chalkboard and erased it. No one is talking about it. I think it's sort of funny.
2.05.2011
Extended Adolesence
So, exactly how is it that I find myself less than two months away from turning 36 (very much freaking out about it by the way), married to a 42-year-old man*, and still without a child? I am not one of those women who put off baby making intentionally until my mid-thirties for the sake of my career, only to assume that modern science would help me expand my family, no matter what the troubles. (that whole generalization bothers me unbelievably!!) But it hasn't even been two years since I threw away the BCPs. How did I get here? How did it take me so long to be trying at motherhood?
Hubby calls it extended adolescence. And just how did my adolescence manage to drag on for so long?
I started out young and idealistic. I studied graphic design, moved to Boston a year out of school, and had every intention of being married by my mid-twenties, and having at least one child before I turned 30. But then I got laid-off, not once, but twice in the course of about two years. And I had a four year dry spell. Not even a single date. For four.long.years. So much for meeting the man of my dreams, falling in love, and getting married in time to have that kid by the time I was 30. I was also so disillusioned by losing my job a second time, that I decided to go back to school for a masters, and a career change. Interior design this time around. This is when I started being surrounded by women 4+ years younger than me. Since the degree was targeted to career changers, a lot of our classes were combined with undergrads, until we got to the thesis processes.
I was 28, single, and surrounded by women. By the time I hit 30, I had managed to end the dry spell, but was still having no luck with finding the perfect father for Violetta. Let's face it, my days were focused on school, and you can all assume what kind of men you are likely to meet in interior design school.
It was around this time that I started to formulate my plan to visit a sperm bank for my 35th birthday. I'd move home again, and live with my mom if I had to, but I was not about to let the lack of a father stop me from being a mother. I also realized that it was time to take matters into my own hands. If I wasn't doing something to change my single situation, then I couldn't keep complaining about it, right? I signed up for some of the popular online dating sites, and started to take it seriously.** About nine months in, just before my 31st birthday, I met Hubby, on Ch*mistry.com, one of the personality matching sites. (which I highly recommend if you know anyone who wants to meet someone. It's based on the concept of like personalities being compatible, and is so dead on with me and Hubby). You can see how quickly things progressed by referring to our timeline in the sidebar. But within just over two years of meeting, we were married.
Hubby is 6.5 years older than me. He was 37 when we met. He has also experienced and extended adolescence, which he attributes to just not finding the right girl. He had an engagement in his late twenties which was broken, which would be a set back in anyone's path to marital bliss and parenthood. Early in our relationship, I remember talking about children in the future. He said he could go either way, because it had taken him so long to find the right person, he thought he might have missed the window, and had started to try to accept that possibility.
So, here we are, just a couple of people who had to look long and hard to find each other, who have much more in common with couples 7-10 years younger than us, from where I am in my new career (5 years in), to just having bought our first house 6 months ago.
I mentioned before that my impending birthday is stressing me out. It's killing me to know that I've got 10 follicles, I can feel the egg whites flowing, and yet I am following medical advice to abstain. (yes, we decided to follow doctors orders. I don't think I could bear it if something happened, then went wrong because of lower quality eggs, and we had to wait even longer.) But, with every month that passes, I think, well there's one month closer to 37 I will be by the time I have a baby. How on earth will I ever manage to have two before I really run out of time?*** And Hubby will be nearing retirement just when we need to pay for college. If it takes that much longer, so will I. It's maddening! It took us too long to get to where we are right now. Dragging out the baby making is not helping matters at all.
*The most amazing husband there ever was. In a single day he captured a mouse brought to me in bed by one of our kitties, disposed of another mouse caught by a trap, hung our TV on the living room wall, patched a hole in the bathroom wall where we had a little do-it-yourself plumbing repair job, patched a hole into our basement where we figure the mice we've been seeing lately are entering, and tried to catch a squirrel he found in the basement in a face-off with the gift giving kitty of this morning. Yes, it's been quite a day!
**It seems to be a trend in life that I have to fight hard to make my dreams come true. I managed to find an amazing hubby. I will keep fighting to have an amazing baby too. But really, does everything have to be such a struggle??
***Sometimes I secretly hope for twins. I can't deny it.
Hubby calls it extended adolescence. And just how did my adolescence manage to drag on for so long?
I started out young and idealistic. I studied graphic design, moved to Boston a year out of school, and had every intention of being married by my mid-twenties, and having at least one child before I turned 30. But then I got laid-off, not once, but twice in the course of about two years. And I had a four year dry spell. Not even a single date. For four.long.years. So much for meeting the man of my dreams, falling in love, and getting married in time to have that kid by the time I was 30. I was also so disillusioned by losing my job a second time, that I decided to go back to school for a masters, and a career change. Interior design this time around. This is when I started being surrounded by women 4+ years younger than me. Since the degree was targeted to career changers, a lot of our classes were combined with undergrads, until we got to the thesis processes.
I was 28, single, and surrounded by women. By the time I hit 30, I had managed to end the dry spell, but was still having no luck with finding the perfect father for Violetta. Let's face it, my days were focused on school, and you can all assume what kind of men you are likely to meet in interior design school.
It was around this time that I started to formulate my plan to visit a sperm bank for my 35th birthday. I'd move home again, and live with my mom if I had to, but I was not about to let the lack of a father stop me from being a mother. I also realized that it was time to take matters into my own hands. If I wasn't doing something to change my single situation, then I couldn't keep complaining about it, right? I signed up for some of the popular online dating sites, and started to take it seriously.** About nine months in, just before my 31st birthday, I met Hubby, on Ch*mistry.com, one of the personality matching sites. (which I highly recommend if you know anyone who wants to meet someone. It's based on the concept of like personalities being compatible, and is so dead on with me and Hubby). You can see how quickly things progressed by referring to our timeline in the sidebar. But within just over two years of meeting, we were married.
Hubby is 6.5 years older than me. He was 37 when we met. He has also experienced and extended adolescence, which he attributes to just not finding the right girl. He had an engagement in his late twenties which was broken, which would be a set back in anyone's path to marital bliss and parenthood. Early in our relationship, I remember talking about children in the future. He said he could go either way, because it had taken him so long to find the right person, he thought he might have missed the window, and had started to try to accept that possibility.
So, here we are, just a couple of people who had to look long and hard to find each other, who have much more in common with couples 7-10 years younger than us, from where I am in my new career (5 years in), to just having bought our first house 6 months ago.
I mentioned before that my impending birthday is stressing me out. It's killing me to know that I've got 10 follicles, I can feel the egg whites flowing, and yet I am following medical advice to abstain. (yes, we decided to follow doctors orders. I don't think I could bear it if something happened, then went wrong because of lower quality eggs, and we had to wait even longer.) But, with every month that passes, I think, well there's one month closer to 37 I will be by the time I have a baby. How on earth will I ever manage to have two before I really run out of time?*** And Hubby will be nearing retirement just when we need to pay for college. If it takes that much longer, so will I. It's maddening! It took us too long to get to where we are right now. Dragging out the baby making is not helping matters at all.
*The most amazing husband there ever was. In a single day he captured a mouse brought to me in bed by one of our kitties, disposed of another mouse caught by a trap, hung our TV on the living room wall, patched a hole in the bathroom wall where we had a little do-it-yourself plumbing repair job, patched a hole into our basement where we figure the mice we've been seeing lately are entering, and tried to catch a squirrel he found in the basement in a face-off with the gift giving kitty of this morning. Yes, it's been quite a day!
**It seems to be a trend in life that I have to fight hard to make my dreams come true. I managed to find an amazing hubby. I will keep fighting to have an amazing baby too. But really, does everything have to be such a struggle??
***Sometimes I secretly hope for twins. I can't deny it.
2.03.2011
Exuberant and Useless
My exuberant cycle has now rendered me completely useless. I have 10 follicles which is apparently way too high for a responsible IUI, and my estrogen levels dropped from Tuesday to Thursday, which apparently means that my body is not keeping up with the follicle production, and we cannot convert to IVF. We have strict instructions to use barrier protection from now until I get my next period, because it would be "too dangerous" otherwise. Am I insane to think I don't give a shit, give me four babies all at once? And by the way, do you really think, that after almost two years with only one chemical pregnancy, we're really going to manage to fertilize and implant too many babies in one fell swoop. Wouldn't extra eggs just give the swimmers more to aim at right now? God, this is SO frustrating.
What would you all do? Would you be responsible, or throw caution to the wind and go for the family. Hubby and I are both such rule followers, not to mention the fact that we're both tired, burnt out, and recovering from colds anyway, that we'll probably just say, eh, why break out the condoms when we can just take the month off now anyway. A doctor's excuse not to have to force the issue. Cause let's face it, just because we're ovulating, doesn't mean we're always in the mood, right then, right?!. But I am curious to know if anyone would be tempted.
I just hate feeling like we don't get to try. Hubby is trying to convince me that we did get to try, and we just weren't lucky this time in a different, earlier way than usual. I suppose he has a point, in that I don't have to two-week wait this time, and can look forward to my period instead of dread it. But I said to him..."You gotta play to win the lotto right? This feels like I walked into the store with my $5 and they were sold out of tickets."
So, the plan for next time is back to Gonal F 112.5. It was only 150 that caused the exuberance. Hopefully there will be no reason to put off the next cycle. We have plans to go to London to visit my brother, sister-in-law and my niece, Lady C for the first week in April. We should be able to fit this next cycle in before that. Then, if need be, finally have a real IVF consultation with the RE before heading across the pond for a little getaway. If we're still TTCing by then, it will be time for the big guns, because I will be 36 when we get back, and my clock is ticking so loud today it might keep me awake tonight.
Thanks for all the thoughts over the past few days ladies. I know I am rambling right now. It's such a roller coaster, and it's unbelievably helpful to know there are people out there riding the ups and downs with me.
Now, I am going to sit on the couch with my ripe and rotting eggs and a drink and watch me some American Idol dammit.
What would you all do? Would you be responsible, or throw caution to the wind and go for the family. Hubby and I are both such rule followers, not to mention the fact that we're both tired, burnt out, and recovering from colds anyway, that we'll probably just say, eh, why break out the condoms when we can just take the month off now anyway. A doctor's excuse not to have to force the issue. Cause let's face it, just because we're ovulating, doesn't mean we're always in the mood, right then, right?!. But I am curious to know if anyone would be tempted.
I just hate feeling like we don't get to try. Hubby is trying to convince me that we did get to try, and we just weren't lucky this time in a different, earlier way than usual. I suppose he has a point, in that I don't have to two-week wait this time, and can look forward to my period instead of dread it. But I said to him..."You gotta play to win the lotto right? This feels like I walked into the store with my $5 and they were sold out of tickets."
So, the plan for next time is back to Gonal F 112.5. It was only 150 that caused the exuberance. Hopefully there will be no reason to put off the next cycle. We have plans to go to London to visit my brother, sister-in-law and my niece, Lady C for the first week in April. We should be able to fit this next cycle in before that. Then, if need be, finally have a real IVF consultation with the RE before heading across the pond for a little getaway. If we're still TTCing by then, it will be time for the big guns, because I will be 36 when we get back, and my clock is ticking so loud today it might keep me awake tonight.
Thanks for all the thoughts over the past few days ladies. I know I am rambling right now. It's such a roller coaster, and it's unbelievably helpful to know there are people out there riding the ups and downs with me.
Now, I am going to sit on the couch with my ripe and rotting eggs and a drink and watch me some American Idol dammit.
It's a no go.
My estradiol levels are not keeping up with the follicles. We are benched. Fucking roller coaster.
2.02.2011
Feeling Overwhelmed and Lucky
Wow. This is pretty insane. This might come out as a jumble.
First, I feel lucky.
Lucky to live five minutes from the fertility pharmacy headquarters, so we were able to pick up the additional medications last night on the way home so that we don't have to go out in the storm today.
Lucky to be able to log in to my work computer from home so that I don't have to go out in the storm, or try to talk to many people face to face, as I might not be able to control my emotions today.
Lucky to have IVF sneak up on me so that I was able to by pass BCPs, Lupron, more waiting, etc.
Lucky to live in the state of Massachusetts which has mandated coverage for infertility. I have had to pay a grand total of $10 for each of my IUIs thus far. (plus whatever the copay for the meds, ranging from $10 - $30) My plan covers virtually everything, and has no plan limits. I just need to get pre-approved. (which will we go for after tomorrow's appointment, apparently my levels are not quite there yet, so this could still get cancelled). Miss Conception reminded me of how lucky I am to not be faced with the thought of coming up with thousands of dollars right now. If the ER is considered in-patient, it could be $500 instead of $10 for the copay, but lets face it, that's nothing to get worked up about in the grand scheme. I think you all should move here. Really.
And I feel overwhelmed.
Overwhelmed to be facing IVF without ever having a face-to-face conversation with my RE about what it entails. We were going to have that talk after 1 or 2 more IUIs.
Overwhelmed to know I will need to miss a day or two of work next week, and I don't yet know which days, so I don't know how to plan in advance for that. At least right now, I am helping on a deadline with two of my best friends at work, who would be the first people I would tell about a pregnancy, so if I have to come clean to them, so be it.
Overwhelmed that Hubby has a big meeting on Thursday, so if that is transfer day, he might not be able to be with me. I guess that's a side-effect of the last minuteness.
Just overwhelmed. There are no words really. This is crazy. This is insane. Hubby and I just giggled like insane people when he picked me up last night. Like insane people who have no idea how else to react.
So, if any of you ladies have advice for me right now, it would be greatly appreciated. I have questions, like when do you start counting after the ER. Is that day 1, or day 0? For example, if I have ER on Sunday as the nurse suggested might be likely, she thought transfer would be Wednesday. Which implies that Sunday is day 0, and Wednesday would be a day 3 transfer? These are the things I haven't gotten to ask because I missed the big meeting with the doctor, and I was sneaking off to back hallways at work yesterday to talk ever so briefly with the nurse. Tomorrow, when I go in for monitoring, I will get a big packet of info. But you ladies are the experts. So please share. What do I need to know?
First, I feel lucky.
Lucky to live five minutes from the fertility pharmacy headquarters, so we were able to pick up the additional medications last night on the way home so that we don't have to go out in the storm today.
Lucky to be able to log in to my work computer from home so that I don't have to go out in the storm, or try to talk to many people face to face, as I might not be able to control my emotions today.
Lucky to have IVF sneak up on me so that I was able to by pass BCPs, Lupron, more waiting, etc.
Lucky to live in the state of Massachusetts which has mandated coverage for infertility. I have had to pay a grand total of $10 for each of my IUIs thus far. (plus whatever the copay for the meds, ranging from $10 - $30) My plan covers virtually everything, and has no plan limits. I just need to get pre-approved. (which will we go for after tomorrow's appointment, apparently my levels are not quite there yet, so this could still get cancelled). Miss Conception reminded me of how lucky I am to not be faced with the thought of coming up with thousands of dollars right now. If the ER is considered in-patient, it could be $500 instead of $10 for the copay, but lets face it, that's nothing to get worked up about in the grand scheme. I think you all should move here. Really.
And I feel overwhelmed.
Overwhelmed to be facing IVF without ever having a face-to-face conversation with my RE about what it entails. We were going to have that talk after 1 or 2 more IUIs.
Overwhelmed to know I will need to miss a day or two of work next week, and I don't yet know which days, so I don't know how to plan in advance for that. At least right now, I am helping on a deadline with two of my best friends at work, who would be the first people I would tell about a pregnancy, so if I have to come clean to them, so be it.
Overwhelmed that Hubby has a big meeting on Thursday, so if that is transfer day, he might not be able to be with me. I guess that's a side-effect of the last minuteness.
Just overwhelmed. There are no words really. This is crazy. This is insane. Hubby and I just giggled like insane people when he picked me up last night. Like insane people who have no idea how else to react.
So, if any of you ladies have advice for me right now, it would be greatly appreciated. I have questions, like when do you start counting after the ER. Is that day 1, or day 0? For example, if I have ER on Sunday as the nurse suggested might be likely, she thought transfer would be Wednesday. Which implies that Sunday is day 0, and Wednesday would be a day 3 transfer? These are the things I haven't gotten to ask because I missed the big meeting with the doctor, and I was sneaking off to back hallways at work yesterday to talk ever so briefly with the nurse. Tomorrow, when I go in for monitoring, I will get a big packet of info. But you ladies are the experts. So please share. What do I need to know?
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