Snow and stuff

It's been a crazy few days here in greater Boston. We got hit pretty bad with the big snow storm and lost power at 10pm on Saturday night! We had one tree and several other limbs down, mostly from our over grown lilacs. Boo!

As of 8 this morning, still no power. We had to borrow some space in our friend's chest freezer as well as bug them for a hot meal and a shower last night. We're sleeping in long under wear under multiple comforters! Crazy!

Right now, we're visit hubby's grandfather. I'm really hoping we have power when we get home!

Anyway, just wanted to check in with a quick hello. (since phone blogging leaves a bit to be desired!)

Hope everyone in the northeast survived the storm better than we did!




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Sex vs. Sanity

Part of blogging is writing stuff out so it can get out of your head, and you can stop thinking or obsessing over it, right? OK, so here goes. This is sort of an awkward topic. We talk so much about the inner workins of reproduction here, but it's not often people get specific about their sex life. But I have to get it out of my head, so I can move on with my day.

When I woke up this morning, I though to myself, "what am I going to be happy about today?" (I've been reading myself some Dr. Domar...) The first thought that crossed my mind was that it's Friday and I'm getting my new phone! 

And then I remembered my evening, and I got a little sad.

Hubby and I gave the natural cycle thing a go last night. It was day 13 after all, and my ovaries certainly feel like they are up to something. That's great, you all might think. Sex with your husband. This is what people do. Well, it had been since before we started stimming for the last IVF, so about two months. And since then, Hubby went back on antidepressants. He came off in July after an allergic reaction to a new one that he has switched to to try to avoid weight gain, and sexual side effects. And let me tell you, the few times that we managed to get it on between then and now were magical. Everything worked like it was supposed to for the fist time in nine months. Well, for him anyway. I'm another story, but we'll save that for another day...maybe. 

Last night, not so much. Although, he didn't take his little blue pill for assistance this time, because we didn't really plan that far in advance. I really hope it will make a difference. But I don't have very high hopes, because it didn't solve the problem with the three other types of antidepressants he's been on in the last year. But, this one is new. So, there is reason to hope, right? 

It's so frustrating, because while we are waiting for second opinions, I would like to be able to try naturally, since we have no reason to believe that it can't work. But then, not knowing if the sex itself is actually going to work adds another layer of stress, and makes me that much more desperate to get back to cycling. 

Cause, he's never had a problem with the plastic cup. Wow, that makes me feel really great as a woman. Anyway!

Don't get me wrong, any kind of intimacy is great, and much needed, regardless of the outcome. But it does just make me a little bit sad that nothing seems to work right for us. We just can't seem to make a baby, no matter how we try. And would would have thought that even getting the sperm into my hooha would be the issue! 

It's a struggle for me, because Hubby is doing so much better on this new medication. It's really great to see him dealing with extreme work stress still being able to laugh at the end of the day. Because, he's been crazed at work for going on five months now. It's a hard pace to keep. And some people just have a chemical imbalance and need a little bit of help. I have needed help myself. So I understand. I want him to be a happy person. 

I just wish it didn't seem to have to be a choice between sex and sanity. 

We'll give that little blue pill a try in a few days and hope for a better result. 

OK, now I can move on and think about all the strange questions I will ask Siri when I get home. She has some interesting answers is you ask her about the meaning of life.

PS - I love you Babe! I don't know if you're still reading this. I hope you understand that there are some things I just need to get out. xoxo

Good Things

...another random post brought to you by The Chronicles of Violetta Margarita

Good Thing #1: All of you ladies out there who are fighting the good fight with me, winning the good fight, encouraging me to keep fighting, and reminding me that I am not alone in the fight, you are all awesome!

Good Thing #2: We have a very tiny one car garage which serves multiple functions from parking my car (thankfully a tiny PT Cruiser named Lil' Paulie), to trash, snow blower, lawn mower, shop, etc. It's been so full of projects all summer, that I wasn't sure I'd ever be able to park my car in there again. Over the weekend while my mom and I were working on the office, Hubby spent some time in the garage. Tuesday night, he brought out all the trash when he got home. Wednesday morning, we left for for work through the garage, and I was surprised to find Lil' Paulie in there to great me! Hubby is good at surprising me!

Good Thing #3: I had dinner with a friend from my Resolve peer group last night. I was about about two weeks behind her in this last cycle. It was her first, which ended in a blighted ovum....her fifth miscarriage (no, this is not good, it's just the background). What's good is spending three hours talking freely with someone who understands.

Good Thing #4: My iPhone 4S was nearly delivered to my house today. Well, they tried, and I wasn't there, which means that I should be able to pick it up tomorrow at my local Fed.Ex store! I'm so excited because my old one is dying a slow death and wants desperately to retire.

So Ladies, how about you? Tell me something that's good with you...

Random Shit in My Head

in bullet form:

• I moved to my new spot at work a few weeks ago. It's got much better sunlight, but is in a much quieter part of the building. Even though I do have stuff to occupy my day now, the quiet is not helping me to stay focused. So, I'm listening to my iPod, which I don't often do. It's filled with U2 and Peter Gabriel. (Have I dated myself horribly?) There is something so soothing about Bono's melancholy voice and the Edge's haunting guitar riffs. And don't get me started on "In Your Eyes" by my man. It has been my favorite song for over half of my life. Hearing it was good for me today. (and of course, who does't love the Lloyd Dobler image it brings to mind). 
• It's cycle day 11 and I'm already getting impatient to be doing something again. Our WTF appointment is still over a week away. Our second opinion is a week after that. I had to reschedule it due to work travel. I feel a bit guilty over having the second opinion scheduled. Like I'm cheating or something. I know this is the right thing to do, but I can't help it. I'm really curious to meet the doctor who doesn't believe in unexplained IF, but I'm skeptical as well about switching from a hospital to a clinic which feels a little more salesy. Of course, just because I have a consultation doesn't mean I have to cycle there. Anyway, like I said, I'm getting anxious to do something. Well, it is day 11. Maybe it's a good day to do my husband. That would be doing something. And no one has told us that it wouldn't work, right?!
• Resolve of New England is sponsoring a blog contest, due this Friday. Infertility is...500 words or less. They will be announcing the winners at their conference the following weekend, which I am attending. I kind of want to enter. But, they want real names, and I'm not sure I want my real identity associated with this blog in anyway, shape or form. As important as advocacy is, I've written about so incredibly personal stuff in this space. I'm thinking of entering with a pseudonym and then just not admitting it's me at the conference should I be one of the winners. (though I highly doubt that would happen). 
• I can feel my ovaries starting to get in the game today. Along with that, I'm feeling a twingy feeling in my lower back, in what I imagine to be my kidney area. Some how this doesn't surprise me. I'm ready "The Infertility Cure." According to the quiz, I am deficient in both my Kidney Yin and my Kidney Yang. Is this possible? Shouldn't those cancel each other out? 
• Sometimes I'm sad and lonely and I write a post just so I will have an excuse to check my email for comments so I can pretend I have real friends. 
• I'm feeling at a weird place with blogs right now. I started this almost 11 months ago. When I started, I didn't read anyone who was already knocked up. So, this means that all the people who got their BFPs in the first month or so of my blogging career are about to pop, if they haven't already. It's been one thing (mostly hopeful) to read pregnancy blogs, but I am not sure how I feel about newborn blogs right now. In addition to that, I feel like everyone (well, ok, I know not everyone, but like 90% at least) of the bloggers I've been reading who were cycling recently have gotten their  BFPs. I feel like I'm being left behind, over and over again. (yes, I know, there are a handful of you who I've gotten to know and love who are still fighting the good fight, and yes, I know that a BFP doesn't mean that the fight is over in any sense, but I'm just feeling like there's not enough of you to keep my reader full of posts I can relate to right now. The baby boom is coming, and I need some company. Does this sound incredibly selfish or what? I'm in a weird state right now. Did I mention that? Maybe I need to jump on the ICLW list and look for some new blogs for my reader.)
• We had a great visit with my mom this weekend. It took some teeth pulling on her part, but she got Hubby and me to agree on a solution for our office. We went to I.kea on Saturday and spend much of the weekend assembling furniture and organizing. I will tell you more about it when I deal with the photos. It was really good to see my mom. There were some moments that I actually forgot I was sad, that I actually felt light, that I actually laughed. I guess it is possible!
• I've often been accused of telling long and rambling stories that take a while to reach their conclusion. I think this is enough bullet points for today!

PS - I'm not saying I don't want to keep reading all the BFP blogs, I'm just saying that they are dominating my reader right now (which really is a good thing for all of you!) so I'm just lacking in truly relatable reading material at the moment, so I'm feeling lonely, yet again. 

Battery Backup

My power went out last week. I was forced to switch to battery backup to make sure that my light didn't go completely out. But, the batteries are starting to fail. I'm afraid my light is dimming. I need to find a way to recharge the battery until I can get the power to go back on for good because I don't want to be in the dark. I am so sick of the dark.

I lost it a little bit last night over trying to come up with a backup solution for my laptop. I've already lost one hard drive, which wasn't a complete disaster because I had been backing up regularly. But my system got all messed up because my drive started to die. And now we're having network and file size issues with our replacement solution. So, last night I decided to purchase one of those online backup systems, so I wouldn't have to worry about plugging in a drive, or having it die on me.

And I couldn't get the software to connect. Something about a firewall or some such ridiculousness. Why can't anything be simple?

Hubby had gotten home late from work while I was in the middle of this process. He was watching TV, and I went into the office to plug into the router in case the wireless was an issue.

I lost it. I started sobbing. He finally came in to help me. I've had to hold it together to get through the fashion show, and work. And he's been so busy with work, working late and on weekends, I've just been on my own to deal with everything. What triggered the need for the new backup plan last night was coming home and finding that my computer was overheated, and wouldn't wake up. I had to force shut it down. I had this fear of loosing my whole life which lives on that damn machine. And it was just one power surge too much for my battery backup.

We sill haven't resolved the issue, but we have a lot of tech geek friends who use the same system (Crash Plan - any experience?) with a mac, so we're hoping they can help. I want to get this solved without having to spend hundreds of dollars on yet another drive that will only eventually die on me.

My mom is coming this weekend. I'm hoping her visit will do a lot for my battery. One of our missions to to reorganize our disaster of an office. It's also my craft space.An inviting space in which to work should help me stay inspired. We all know how much good being crafty and creative has done for me recently. I need to keep it up. I need to charge my battery. I need to brighten my light. I need to be done with the dark.

The Fashion Show

Because, as I think I said, or at least I thought a lot in my head this weekend, in grief and sadness, life still carries on, I thought I would take a few minutes to share with you the fashion show from Thursday night.

If you've missed me talking about it before, it is the annual fund raiser for IIDA NE (the New England Chapter of the International Interior Design Association). Interior Design firms team up with industry sponsors to create fashions from industry materials such as upholstery fabrics, carpets, tiles, rubber flooring, etc. The list is pretty much endless. Every year, there is a theme to the show. This year was...

For our entry, we chose to pay tribute to fashion icon, Alexander McQueen. 

Each entry gets to pose behind a shadow screen before taking to the runway. 

They have two other screens at the sides of the stage that show love video feeds. 

You might remember these paint brushes from my earlier post about the fashion show. We turned them into a necklace, and also cut the bristles off to add trim to the head piece.

The dresses were made out of canvass drop clothes, and the underskirts were made from a woven plastic material used for outdoor furniture. 

Our second dress had a hat made from paint can lids, and a necklace made from paint can handles. (hard to see here). 

The real tribute to McQueen came from the performance art part of our entry. We had two more people ambush the end of the runway with pant spray guns, and paint the model. See our inspiration here.  Ironically, we were blatantly and admittedly ripping him off, and we won for Most Original! But, I can totally feel fine about it when I review the ideas in the other entries (which I will show you soon). 

I have a video of the painting part, but I can't seem to upload it. Maybe some other time. 

That's me in the middle, with the models and the painters. Aren't the painters creepy? I was so nervous about the live painting thing the whole time. I didn't want to do it. But, I guess now I'm glad I didn't fight it too hard!

So, what did other people do? Well, the entry that won for Best Use of Materials did a Beatles theme:

Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds

Yellow Submarine

Strawberry Fields

Octopus's Garden

The team that won for Best Interpretation of Theme did a space theme made from leather and tile.

 

The team that won for Best Construction did Alice in Wonderland: 

 

But they weren't the only ones...

 

There was also a lot of Andy Warhol:

The team that won Best in Show definitely deserved it. They always do great stuff (as much as I hate to admit it, cause sometimes it feels like they always win something just because of who they are). Anyway, they did a religion mixed with corporate America theme, which they called Magical Kingdom Come. It earned a standing ovation, something I have never seen before in my 8 years of attending the show. 

This is a really tall guy, on really tall shoes. When he models, he often likes to make an impact by revealing something feminine. He always creates a sight to be seen, that's for sure.

So, if you've managed to make it this far, you must think the fashion show is as cool as I do. There were 22 entries, and I took over 100 pictures, so I focused on the winners and tried to give you just a taste of this crazy event. I hope you enjoyed my little walk down the runway. 

PS, if you click on any of the photos, you should be able to see a larger version.

For the Angels

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Wave of Light

I have just learned that it is Pregnancy & Infant Loss Remembrance Day. In observance of this day, they are inviting all of us to light a candle at 7:00 pm in your own time zone, and keep it burning for one hour, to create a continuous wave of light traveling around the globe.

So tonight, I will light a candle for my first chemical baby, who would have turned one this week, and for my second who still waits to bleed from my body, and for Michael and Alena S, the dear twins of Miss Conception, who left this world this week, and for Gavin, the son of Jen who should have been joining us this month instead of leaving us this past summer, and for Mr. Thompson and Me's son Colton, and for Amanda's babies, and Chon who created her own beautiful tribute to her losses just this week, and for my friend from Resolve who is currently suffering through her fifth loss, and for so many others of you...tonight I will light a candle.

*     *     *  

I am in a weird place right now. The tears haven't really come since I had to swallow them on Thursday afternoon to get through the fashion show. I made it through the show, and actually managed to enjoy myself for a few minutes, after I got over the nerves for our entry. I was so nervous, I was visibly shaking as my team left the runway. The amazing thing was, we actually won the award for Most Original! It's an odd moment for me. I have poured my heart and soul into this event for six years before this and have never managed to win one of the awards. This year, I was extremely detached from the whole thing. I never really bought in to our idea. And we win something. But then I realized, that just because I wasn't as creatively responsible, doesn't mean I wasn't on my hands and knees cutting through plastic with a cheap pair of scissors, weaving together paint brushes to make necklaces, driving nails through paint can lids to make a hat, and sending countless email and meeting invitations to rally the team to actually show up to get the work done. I am a project manager, whether or not I ever wanted to be, and the team looks to me for organization. And our lovely crystal trophy is just as much mine, as anyone's. I will tell you more about the show later. I have lots of picture to share, but it just doesn't feel like the right time.

I was able to stay home yesterday, as I often do the day after the show. I didn't sleep well at all, after getting home too late, and actually consuming caffeine and alcohol for the first time in months! I got up around 7 in the morning, and moved to the couch so I could begin my General Hospital marathon. Aside from lunch with Hubby, who came home to eat with me, and an hour nap, I watched until 6pm. Oh, and I also booked a massage for this afternoon, a haircut for Wednesday, and a second opinion consultation with the doctor who doesn't believe infertility is unexplained. But, it was pretty numb day. I just plopped on the couch and escaped into Port Charles, NY. (By the way, if anyone watches the show, I'm from upstate NY. It is not physically possible for a city to be driving distance to Canada as an escape route, and close enough to NYC to head there for dinner on occasion and to be able to make the round trip to either in one evening. Just not possible. Albany is 4 hours from Canada and 2.5 from NYC. I have spent years trying to figure out just where they think Port Charles is on the map of NY. End random tangent.) But, it was good to be still, and not have to try to talk to anyone, and to not have to try to fight back the tears if there were to decide to come.

I do realize that there is still a lot of grief and rage I need to get out of my body some how. Hubby and I were trying to figure out how to get me the new iPhone last night and I was yelling and screaming about how ridiculous it is that they refuse to ship the phone to any address other than the billing address. Who the fuck is actually at their billing address during the day to sign for packages? We send most things to our offices. But, it just wasn't possible. And trust me when I tell you that nobody wants me waiting in a mob line at the apple store for hours right about now. I might explode. We actually did drive to the store to check it out. Not going to happen. But, I was definitely over reacting a bit to the situation. I do recognize that. Anyway, we decided to order the phone, and let them try to deliver it, and then I can either work from home the next day, or go pick it up at the shipping place when they finally give up trying to deliver it to people who are never home during the day!!

So, today, I am home alone again. Poor Hubby hasn't had a day off in weeks. I'm trying to figure out how to be productive after my day of sloth yesterday, well, at least until my massage at 2:00. And I will try to let the tears out if they should choose to show up. But I am afraid I had to shove them to far down to make it through the show. I don't know when they will try to come again.

Maybe tonight, when I light my candle.

There are no words

I have barely found the chance to grieve my own loss this week. It doesn't quite feel real yet, although I can feel the impending arrival of AF. Reading this post just now gave me chills over my entire body and made me want to vomit and collapse on the floor in a blubbering heap. I want to go over the edge, and yet I have to keep it together for another 12 hours for this damn fashion show tonight, and then I am taking tomorrow off, to grieve for myself, and for my dear blog friend Miss Conception who just lost her precious twins yesterday at 20 weeks. Please go give her some support, even though we all know there are no words that could possibly make it better.

Proven Otherwise

It's officially negative today. I'm still at work, but I have nothing I absolutely have to do. I'm considering saying I have a migraine and going home. But, I'll probably just sit here all day and stare blindly at the screen, pretending to be productive while I think about the fact that we will not get to tell my mom about a baby when she comes to visit next weekend. We will not be able to announce our pregnancy to our family at Christmas, I will not have a baby who's almost exactly two years younger than my niece. I will not be home with a baby all next summer. I'll think about how stupid I was to think forward to all these potential milestones, and then remind myself how impossible it is not to.

I'll think about what to do next.

You guys gave me lots of great information yesterday. Thank you so much for that. I ordered 5 books from Amaz.on last night. They should be here next week. Let's see, can I remember?

Inconceivable
The Infertility Cure
The Fertility Diet
Conquering Infertility
and one for Hubby, How to Make Love to a Plastic Cup

Later this afternoon, I will call to schedule my WTF appointment for about two weeks from now. And I have two clinics singles out to schedule second opinions with. Resolve has their annual conference coming up in three weeks. We know now that we will definitely be attending. One of the doctors we're hoping to meet with speaks there about how there is no such thing as unexplained infertility. We need to schedule with him before the conference happens and he has a run on appointments!

I think it's quite likely that we won't manage to cycle again this year. By the time we have follow ups and second opinions, if we can even get in a cycle, it's bound to collide with Christmas, and I think that won'e be fun for anyone.

I can't fucking believe I'm facing another fucking Christmas with a fucking empty womb.

(I told you the composure would crack eventually.)

What now?

First, let me say that I am unbelievably touched by the outpouring or love and support you all are sending my way. I have heard from so many of you who rarely comment, and some who have never commented, in the last few days. And of course, those of you who are here all the time. it was just what I needed to make it through the day. Every time my eyes teared up, I would see another message or two in my inbox. Invaluable.

So, I know this is not over til the fat lady sings hcg drops. But, I am preparing for a failure. If I get a happy surprise tomorrow, then isn't that nice.

I have decided I need to take some steps to improve our embryo quality naturally. When I've asked my doctor about supplements, or anything else I can do to improve my eggs, she has said that the only thing I can do is lower my BMI. Well, we all know how hard that is. And the fact that I'm holding steady, maybe up 2-3 pounds after two IVFs is something I'm proud of. But, I guess, I need to find a way to step it up. Hubby has been wanting to loose weight and get healthier too, so hopefully we can help each other with that one.

But, I don't believe her that it's the only thing I can do. I need your help ladies. I need some books. I already have Making Babies. What other books out there have you found helpful when trying to take on lifestyle changes to beat IF? And in addition to books, what things have you done, supplements have you tried, etc, that you feel have/will make a difference?


It's likely that we'll have some time off before our next cycle. We're pretty set on getting a second opinion before moving forward. And it will take time to schedule appointments, etc. So, it seems like a great time to start getting that genetic material into shape for the next go round, don't you think?

(By the way, this is me being brave, and strong because I have to make it through the work week, which also happens to be fashion show week. If this plays out the way I expect it too, you can fully expect a meltdown from me in the next few days.)

It doesn't look good

11

That's it. How the hell does that even show on a HPT? I took another expired one this morning, and still had a line, but it makes me worry that the number is already on it's way down from yesterday. The nurse said in her message that it could go either way, but I don't believe her. It think it's chemical. I guess I'll know on Wednesday after I go back for more blood.

I wish my stupid company was closed for the holiday. At least there's not a lot of people here today.

Not too much else to say.

Hope is still alive...barely.

Well ladies, I took two tests this morning. I took a picture but it didn't really show what I wanted you to see. The first test was  a new FRER, taken at 6 am after 4 hours not peeing (I woke up at 2 am). It has a line so faint that at 6:15, Hubby said he couldn't see it, and I wasn't sure if I was hallucinating it. But, I've seen enough stark white negatives to know that something was happening on that damn stick. So, I couldn't let it rest.

The second an old, expired a year ago FRER that I got free from Resolve, was taken 3.5 hours later, and had a slightly darker line, still barely discernible, but at least it had a tinge of pink, unlike the first, which was so light it just looked like a damp spot.

I wish the lines were darker. I am so afraid of another chemical. It's 15dpo, 13dp3dt. Does anyone have a success story to share with a line this light at this point? I'm so paranoid. I'm feeling crampier, and my ovaries are a bit achy, which has been a sign of AF in the past. I also had a headache when I woke up. A bit of lower back pain as well.

I wish something could be simple. It would be so nice just to run from the bathroom with a definitive answer. I have two more expired tests in the house. I'm going to take another one tomorrow and hope that the line is darker.

But, and Hubby and I keep reminding ourselves, Pregnant Until Prove Otherwise, right? I guess I might as well act as such!

Oh, and I haven't said it nearly enough lately, but you all know it. Thanks so much for the never ending support through this crazy roller coaster ride. I don't know how I would be surviving without you. May we all make it off with a big smile on our face someday.

Oh Golly Gee

Oh golly gee, I have to pee, 

'Cause if I don't, I'll go crazy. 

I need to know what is to be.

Pretty please, I want a baby. 

*  *  *

One more day. That's right. I am testing tomorrow. Beta is Monday, but I can't wait any longer. You ay remember that I had wanted to test on Sunday all along, thinking I'd have a day without needing to see people to sit with my news either way. But then, Hubby's Grandparent's anniversary was planned, and I was going to be with family all day. 

Well, unfortunately, poor Gramma has be afflicted with ecoli! She should be fine, ultimately, but is feeling quite under the weather right now, so the party has been cancelled. 

Meaning, Hubby and I have no where to be tomorrow. I convinced him that I needed to test. Not only to have the day, but because I have a lot to get done on Monday at work, and would have been completely useless. He tried to convince me then to wait until Tuesday! He clearly doesn't understand the issue. What ever the news, I will be able to focus and get my work done...as long as I know that that news is. But, having to get shit done while still waiting just doesn't work. 

He admitted that he's a bit nervous to know the answer. He wants this family, but he feels a lot of stress being the man, making nearly twice as much as I do, needing to pay for college and a wedding someday. 

I told him, that even if we get good news on Monday (or tomorrow!) we still have to wait for doubling betas, yolk sacs and fetal tubes, heart beats and NT scans, a healthy delivery. The list goes on and on. There is too much to worry about in the next 8 months to bother worrying about college in 18 years and a wedding in 30! 

Anyway, I have no idea what tomorrow will bring. I am optimistic, but guarded. I read back through my posts from last time. I have experienced a lot of the same things, but not all. I had cramping around implantation both times, but noticed spotting just this time. Last time, I wrote that I felt nothing starting about 4 days before beta. This time, I feel like the twinges are decreasing in intensity, but I still feel them. This time, I'm also feeling a lot more very low level nausea. I don't remember this from last time. Who knows what it al means. Hopefully something good! 

Oh Violetta, we are so ready for you!

Today, it is going to be a beautiful 80 degree day! Crazy for October in New England. I am going to finish planting my bulbs, and we're having friends over for a cookout later tonight. Hopefully it will keep my mind occupied fairly well until tomorrow. 

We'll see!

And the Winner is...

Commenter number 8....Christina from Two's Company. Three's a Family! Congrats!

That's right, it was time to choose the winner for my giveway. So, Christina, when you have a chance, email me your address, and I will get your bracelet in the mail to you.

Other than choosing the winner, and turning 36.5 yesterday, not too much else is going on. Just waiting. Work is picking up a but, thankfully! I'm still feeling really tired. I came home tonight and took a nap before cleaning up the kitchen. Now I have to see about some dinner. Hubby is out tonight, so dinner will probably be cheese and crackers! And yes, this is turning into a tired, hormonal ramble.

One potentially new symptom to report today though...when I took a walk to my usual sandwich spot for lunch, I felt like I could barely breathe, and was super exhausted. And this is a walk I typically do multiple times a week! Trying to not to read too much in, yet remain optimistic at the same time.

Ah, the joys of the two week wait!

Monday

Yup, well, this day is turning out to be just at thrilling as last Friday was. Maybe I really should use my free time figuring out how to blog text around in a spiral. It would certainly occupy my mind.

Beta is one week from today. By this time in the day, I would imagine I will have my answer. Well, I will in fact, because I do plan to test again at home that morning so I can be prepared. I really wanted to test on Sunday. I figure 15dpo should be long enough for something to show, right? And how nice, to have the day at home to take in the news, whatever it may be. I'm not lucky enough to have Colum.bus Day off. My husbands thinks that our industry sold it's soul to the devil traded C Day for the day after Thanksgiving many moons ago.

Right, so testing on Sunday. Great idea, right? Until I learned that we have to go spend the afternoon with Hubby's family celebrating his grandparent's 65th anniversary. Which, don't get me wrong, is an amazing accomplishment that should be celebrated. But on that day, of all days, I am going to be in no shape to put on a happy face and make small talk with 20 of Hubby's closest relatives in some bad old-person's Italian/Seafood restaurant that serves baked-stuffed scallops as their specialty, and takes 4 hours to get through a meal, in a dark dining room with too much wood and red vinyl, and not enough day light, on a day when it's supposed to be sunny and beautiful and in the 70s, and just happens to be the day I wanted to find out if I'm pregnant!

But I'm sure you would all agree, that right before this event is not the time to find out the answer to that question! Maybe, if I don't pee the whole time at the restaurant, I can save up a good pee and test when I get home?

It's the madness...the madness of boredom I tell you. Look how great I did all weekend with plenty of stuff to do. I'm beginning to see the logic in people who take leave for their entire cycle. I wouldn't be of much use, even if I did have something to do. But it would be easier, without a doubt.

So, on another topic...crinone. Last time, barely an issue. This time, I'm definitely getting the mess. I felt like almost my entire dose hit the toilet 3 hours after I put it in yesterday. It's a little bit freaky. I worry, should I put in more? And today, I'm getting little drips and drabs, that are definitely tinged light brownish. I'm trying to remain optimistic and think, this must be from implantation bleeding that goes with the cramps I've been feeling, right? Right?!

Also today, something that almost looks like ewcm on the tissue. Wasn't quite expecting to see that at this point. And by the way, the fact that we are all such toilet paper crime scene investigators really is somewhat comical, in a I don't know what else to do, so I'll laugh kind of way.

Lastly, last time, I was pretty well stopped up, you know, digestively speaking. I never took the recommended stool softener, but I was downing the bene.fiber like there was no tomorrow. This time, I am the opposite. Mostly moving just fine, and sometimes having to make a run for it. Who knows what that means.

OK, before I get back to work and try to fill the next 4 hours until I get to leave and go to some horrible networking event, I will share the story of the "Mad Hormonal Woman vs the Smoke Detector."

Saturday night, when Hubby and I got home around 9:30, I was exhausted, so I went up to bed. I red a chapter of my book and then turned out the light and snuggled into the pillow.

beep

Seriously? Another smoke detector that needs batteries? Maybe if I just ignore it, I'll fall asleep, and Hubby will hear it and change it.

Sure enough, a few minutes went by, and I didn't hear it again. Whew.

Some hours later, Hubby was in bed now too.

beep


But again, there is usually a second beep within about a minute. I was barely awake and again thought I'd be better off ignoring it. Why I ever thought that was a good idea, I will never know. I'm about as good of a sleeper as the Princess and the Pea.

I should also tell you, living in a split level house amounts to a lot of these devices. Especially when you add in the carbon monoxide detectors to the mix. Bordering on the one stairwell that connects our main floor to the two bedrooms to our bedroom, there are no less than 6 of these devices. Have fun just trying to figure out which one is doing the beeping to begin with!

beep




beep


beep


beep
beep

By 6 in the morning (it was still pitch black mind you, so it felt like the middle of the night) the beeping was too frequent to ignore. I rolled out of bed and grabbed the step ladder which is still in our room from when I painted, and headed out to the landing, with every intention of taking down every single device until I was sure which one was the culprit.

As I had my hands on the one out side the bathroom

beep

from the one behind be a the base of the stair in the living room. I grabbed on, and tried to pull it loose. And tried,

beep

and pulled

beep

and twisted.

beep

By this point I was shaking. I yelled to Hubby..."how the hell do I get this thing down???"

"You have to twist it!"

beep

I'm pretty sure I was twisting. Nothing was happening. In a fit of hysteria, I screamed, the scream of an insane woman "you have to come down here and do this!!!" And then I stomped into the bathroom. Hubby came down, and took the offending device off the ceiling.

beep

I emerged, enraged from the bathroom..."you have to take out the battery! where is it?!"

"On the floor." I couldn't see it.

"WHERE on the floor?!?"

beep

I snatched it up. He had in fact taken the battery out. Of course he did. That is what you are supposed to do.

"Why the hell is is still beeping?" I roared. "I'm going to smash it with a hammer!" This is the line Hubby found especially entertaining. He told me to throw it outside. I opted for wrapping it in a blanket, and shoving it under the covers on the couch.

Finally...silence.

Exhausted, shaking, and nearly in tears, I stumbled back up the stairs. But still, I made Hubby show me on the one outside the bathroom how the hell he had gotten it down. "Oh, well, there's this little pin you have to take out, and then you twist it."

A little pin? Are you f-ing kidding me?

A Weekend Full of Distraction

Roy getting into the Halloween spirit

First of all, don't forget to enter my giveway. Only two days left, and I know there are more than 7 followers out there!

It is much easier to stay distracted when one actually has something to do! This was a very full and fun weekend.

Hubby and I started by heading into Boston for dinner. We went to a new place called Max Brenner. He is a chocolatier who has branched off into the restaurant world. It was a fun place. It smelled heavenly, of rich chocolate. That was probably my favorite part. The food was fine. They give you the dessert menu first so you know not to eat too much for dinner. My dessert was ok...a chocolate chocolate chip cookie with chocolate sauce, berries, and whipped cream. It would have been better if the cookie was just a little chewier. And I was little disappointed that the actual meals didn't feature more chocolate. I mean come on, mole sauce...perfect opportunity! All in all though, it was a fun night out with Hubby. The restaurant is on the 700 block of Boylston St, where I used to work many moons ago. It was fun to walk around and see how much the area had grown since I worked down there every day. We browsed around Crat.e & Barrel, and strolled down Newbury Street as well. 

Saturday, Hubby had to go to work for a bit, so I went out to get some bulbs and mums and did some gardening. It's my first attempt at bulbs, so we'll see how things turn out next spring!

Saturday night, we went to dinner and a movie with a friend. We saw Driver. Good movie, but extremely, graphically violent. I had to close my eyes often. The good news is, that I could always tell in advance when I needed to. 

This morning, I had one last acupuncture appointment, at 8dpo and 5dp3dt, hopefully perfectly timed to help out with implantation. 

This afternoon, Hubby and I headed back into Boston to check out the SoWa Open Market and Vintage Market. we found a great 12x12 piece of art with green stripes to hang in our dining room, for only $25. And Hubby found a gorgeous vintage cocktail ring, sterling silver with amethysts and something amber colored that he bought for me. 

Tonight, we had a friend over for the Patriots (timed delayed thanks to Tivo) and had our first fire in our fireplace. We couldn't use it all last year because of a chimney issue that has since been resolved. I also broke out the Halloween decorations, since it is October now!

So, needless to say, my own time is not the issue, it's being stuck at work without a deadline to inspired me to get shit done that is the problem! We'll see what tomorrow brings. 

Lastly, I feel the need for my own sake to document a few symptoms. Friday night, I woke up because of a really acute sustained cramp and back ache. It was definitely crampy feeling I am not familiar with. It had me awake for about a hour. Not fun. But the timing could be good for implantation...maybe? Other than that, not too much cramping. A little bit here and there, more so in the evening the last two days. Definitely a slight feeling of heaviness. And bloated especially after meals. My boobs are just slightly sore. I'm feeling very mildly nasueas at times, especially when I haven't eaten in awhile. 

OK, I just remembered that I didn't even tell you about my crazed hormonal run-in with our smoke detector. Maybe I'll write about that tomorrow from work when I get bored! In any case, definitely feeling increasingly irritable!