- I moved to my new spot at work a few weeks ago. It's got much better sunlight, but is in a much quieter part of the building. Even though I do have stuff to occupy my day now, the quiet is not helping me to stay focused. So, I'm listening to my iPod, which I don't often do. It's filled with U2 and Peter Gabriel. (Have I dated myself horribly?) There is something so soothing about Bono's melancholy voice and the Edge's haunting guitar riffs. And don't get me started on "In Your Eyes" by my man. It has been my favorite song for over half of my life. Hearing it was good for me today. (and of course, who does't love the Lloyd Dobler image it brings to mind).
- It's cycle day 11 and I'm already getting impatient to be doing something again. Our WTF appointment is still over a week away. Our second opinion is a week after that. I had to reschedule it due to work travel. I feel a bit guilty over having the second opinion scheduled. Like I'm cheating or something. I know this is the right thing to do, but I can't help it. I'm really curious to meet the doctor who doesn't believe in unexplained IF, but I'm skeptical as well about switching from a hospital to a clinic which feels a little more salesy. Of course, just because I have a consultation doesn't mean I have to cycle there. Anyway, like I said, I'm getting anxious to do something. Well, it is day 11. Maybe it's a good day to do my husband. That would be doing something. And no one has told us that it wouldn't work, right?!
- Resolve of New England is sponsoring a blog contest, due this Friday. Infertility is...500 words or less. They will be announcing the winners at their conference the following weekend, which I am attending. I kind of want to enter. But, they want real names, and I'm not sure I want my real identity associated with this blog in anyway, shape or form. As important as advocacy is, I've written about so incredibly personal stuff in this space. I'm thinking of entering with a pseudonym and then just not admitting it's me at the conference should I be one of the winners. (though I highly doubt that would happen).
- I can feel my ovaries starting to get in the game today. Along with that, I'm feeling a twingy feeling in my lower back, in what I imagine to be my kidney area. Some how this doesn't surprise me. I'm ready "The Infertility Cure." According to the quiz, I am deficient in both my Kidney Yin and my Kidney Yang. Is this possible? Shouldn't those cancel each other out?
- Sometimes I'm sad and lonely and I write a post just so I will have an excuse to check my email for comments so I can pretend I have real friends.
- I'm feeling at a weird place with blogs right now. I started this almost 11 months ago. When I started, I didn't read anyone who was already knocked up. So, this means that all the people who got their BFPs in the first month or so of my blogging career are about to pop, if they haven't already. It's been one thing (mostly hopeful) to read pregnancy blogs, but I am not sure how I feel about newborn blogs right now. In addition to that, I feel like everyone (well, ok, I know not everyone, but like 90% at least) of the bloggers I've been reading who were cycling recently have gotten their BFPs. I feel like I'm being left behind, over and over again. (yes, I know, there are a handful of you who I've gotten to know and love who are still fighting the good fight, and yes, I know that a BFP doesn't mean that the fight is over in any sense, but I'm just feeling like there's not enough of you to keep my reader full of posts I can relate to right now. The baby boom is coming, and I need some company. Does this sound incredibly selfish or what? I'm in a weird state right now. Did I mention that? Maybe I need to jump on the ICLW list and look for some new blogs for my reader.)
- We had a great visit with my mom this weekend. It took some teeth pulling on her part, but she got Hubby and me to agree on a solution for our office. We went to I.kea on Saturday and spend much of the weekend assembling furniture and organizing. I will tell you more about it when I deal with the photos. It was really good to see my mom. There were some moments that I actually forgot I was sad, that I actually felt light, that I actually laughed. I guess it is possible!
- I've often been accused of telling long and rambling stories that take a while to reach their conclusion. I think this is enough bullet points for today!
PS - I'm not saying I don't want to keep reading all the BFP blogs, I'm just saying that they are dominating my reader right now (which really is a good thing for all of you!) so I'm just lacking in truly relatable reading material at the moment, so I'm feeling lonely, yet again.
Just saying hi. :) I like comments too. They make you feel like you have said something valuable! I agree, BFP blogs are hard to read sometimes, and are hard to relate to. I hope you are having a happy day!
ReplyDeleteI feel like I have been left in the "baby dust" over and over again, as well. It sucks so back. I'm right there with you.
ReplyDeleteI'm here with you. There's also many days when I feel like I've watched every blogland friend get pregnant and have a baby....and here I still sit. It's not easy. I'm not sure if this is you...but I pushed many of my real friends away when I was first going thru this. I just felt like it was too much effort. I've pulled myself out of that funk though now and I feel a lot better for it. Regardless, I'll listen whenever you want to talk.
ReplyDeleteDon't feel alone - I assure you you aren't! I have also had two failed IVF cycles, miserably failed at that. My WTF and second opinion appointments were beyond depressing - I was given a 5 - 10% of conceiving with my own eggs. Failing IVF sucks any time, but the second one really hit me hard. And then you're in this limbo land while you figure out next steps and that is almost the hardest to bear - at least during IVF you feel like you're *doing* something.
ReplyDeleteSo I can relate. But once you get through your appointments (and yes, you should absolutely get a second or even third opinion after 2 failed IVFs with one clinic), you will no doubt begin to form a plan for what to do next. The waiting doesn't get easier, but I promise you will gradually come out of this funk as your plan develops.
And remember, you are not alone - there are a lot of us out there still going through this mess and we are behind you!
I so completely understand where you are at. I started deleting blogs that I had only just started following because they got pregnant and my blog roll was 70% UTD and parents and 15% design and only 15% trying. I kept adding new blogs and they kept getting pregnant. It totally sucks. 18 months of blogging and here I am still fucking barren. (clearly the news yesterday afternoon shocked the hell out of me).
ReplyDeleteI get the loneliness too, but that is what makes this community great because when you are feeling lower than dog shit you can come on here and say it and just know that people are going to get you and understand you.
For the second opinion do not feel guilty. I nearly went and saw my new FS in February for IVF 2.2 and decided to stick with the same old same old because I felt guilty, what happened was another two failed cycles and a miscarriage and no further investigation. The best thing you can do is seek a second opinion. Check out Dr Sher's IVF Authority blog. Get them to do more. You deserve it. I also think you should be having NK cells checked out.
Just want you to know that you still have me cheering you on from the blogging side lines really really loudly. xoxo
My reader is full of BFP's too. Everybody is getting pregnant!!! I think that it is a GREAT thing...but it still leaves me feeling a little...I'm not even sure what the word is. Sad? Distant? Melancholy? Something, at any rate. I hope that your WTF and second opinion appointments give you some much needed answers. Because with some answers, maybe they will knock you up good and proper. Never feel like cheating for getting a second opinion. You deserve the best medical care you can get! I can't wait to see your BFP post pop up on my reader. :) Hang in there!
ReplyDeleteI was just saying that there are so many BFP blogs out there these last couple of weeks that I'm starting to feel left out of a group I just started to feel like I belonged to. It's hard.
ReplyDeleteI've been told the same about my story telling abilities, sometimes I feel I even need to further edit by blogs so that it doesn't carry over into blogging.
I understand the BFP taking over and I'm with you. While it is GREAT for them, it still sucks for us. It is a reminder of my failure, repeatedly, to be able to also be celebrating the soon birth of our child. My dash is 90% pregnancy/child blogs now and it hurts. It is lonely.
ReplyDeleteAs for the cheating with a 2nd opinion...I CRIED, yes literally had tears down my face, telling my RE1 that we consulted another! He laughed (nicely) and said he just wanted the best for me and wanted me to be a mom and whomever was to give us that was perfect for him.
I tell my patients that 90% of doctors will encourage a 2nd opinion and the other 10% you don't want to be with....its true!
Hang in there hun...I got your back :)
Boy I feel you about the BFP and new baby blogs.
ReplyDeleteI was so excited to finally be able to join them (all my pregnant infertile friends) and was looking so farward to finally feeling 100% happy for everyone...and now?
Now I am back to feeling bad about skipping certain blog posts and not wanting to see how their new babies are doing. I am back where I started and I know how you feel.
We'll be back in the game at some point and I will be hoping that you are there with me.
MissC
1. U2, Peter Gabriel, and Lloyd Dobler? Lady, you just made my day.
ReplyDelete2. Yeah, everybody and their mother is getting pregnant these days. I guess that's encouraging -- it shows that ART does work, sometimes -- but it sure is lonely.
• Whereas it gives me hope to read of others' successes - I feel left out. Don't worry, I 'm still here with you. Hopefully soon we will all graduate.
ReplyDelete• When I looked at The Infertility Cure I also got many conflicting diagnosis. I actually think it changes each time I open the book. Now I just leave it up to acupuncturist to decide and try to decipher his notes.
I totally hear you on the pregnancy blogs dominating your reader. I try to add a new IF blog from LFCA each week just so I am not still on this side all by myself! Keep blogging and we will all keep commenting! I also love getting the notifications for comments when I post!
ReplyDeleteDon't feel lonely... I've been blogging almost as long as you without a BFP too. Here with you and know how you feel. Hope your appts bring more answers and a step closer to your BFP :) Love always xoxo
ReplyDelete