Nearly 20 years ago, the first time I came home for a long weekend after leaving for college, my liberal-feminist-hippy mother sat me down at the dining room table and quizzed me a bit on current events. As she suspected, I was pretty clueless. Though happily so.
She held up a Newsweek magazine with a photo of a politician and said these words, which have forever been ingrained in my mind.
"New.t Ging.rich. Republican. Bad."
With each word, she jabbed at the photo with her index finger.
I think this article is proof that she was right.
He is trying to say IVF is immoral and to increase government control of this personal and medical procedure. This is an important topic. Please spread the word.
*I don't mean to insult any of my readers who may be Republican. I know you are not all bad. I'm just recounting a funny story from my mom that seems appropriate to this article.
1.30.2012
It can. It does. I will.
This is my mantra.
It can work. It does work. I will be a mother.
It can work. Of course it can. Why else would doctors recommend it? Why would (some) insurance cover it?
It does work. Even on the third try. I've seen it. For many of you. You are proof.
I will be a mother. Whether now, or sometime in the future, through some other means. The question is only when and how, not if. (But...soon, pretty please?!)
I have been repeating these words to myself over and over again since the day before my retrieval, largely inspired by my dear friend, and proof that it can, and does, the blogger formerly known as M from A Miracle 4 Us. (Thanks M!) Every time I start to freak out, every time my breath becomes frequent and shallow. I focus on taking deep breaths and trying to stay calm.
One week from today I go for beta. The day before, on Supe.r Bowl Sunday, I will test at home. This is because I have to fly to Buffalo on Monday night and I need some time with Hubby to process the news. I'm hoping it's a good day. I mean seriously, as a girl from upstate NY who decided to make New England her home, the Pats and the Giants playing has to be lucky, right?! Now, of course, I know from last time, that testing at home isn't a guaranteed answer, but it's still much better than getting a blind call at work and then getting on an airplane to be gone away from my Hubby for one to two nights! Doesn't the timing just always work out so perfectly?
I been doing a fairly decent job of distracting myself. I went back to work on Friday, and had a pretty slow day. Hubby and I had a very productive weekend, running errands, getting the house picked up, having dinner with friends, watching the US National Figure Skating Championships (I haven't finished yet, don't tell me who won!). It was the first weekend that has felt like normal since before the holidays, and probably even longer. It was great!
Today, I will admit to visiting Dr. Google a few times with some random things. Probably because I don't have an intense deadline at work right now. It's to easy to get distracted. At home, with Hubby, and house projects, etc. It's much easier.
It's 5dp3dt...so, what are the symptoms that are tempting me to visit the good doctor? I'll ramble them out for the sake of documentation, but not because the mean a damn thing, that's for sure! Boobs hurt (there's a surprise), an occasional twinge, but nothing really crampy like what I felt last time around should be implantation time (wait, is that a cramp or is that just gas?), ovaries (or that area) were achy this afternoon, lower back is starting to ache. I am. so. tired. I am falling asleep on the couch every night, dead tired. I am peeing all the time. Today, when ever I cough, I feel like I'm going to leak. And since I'm still dealing with post nasal drip, I am still coughing all the time. Although, today, I think I'm feeling that congested, but not necessarily flemmy, swollen hard to breathe feeling (is that progesterone too, or is that actually a good thing?) but it's hard to tell the difference with the damn cold that is lingering. Although I'm dead tired in the evening, when I wake up to pee multiple times a night, I have a hard time falling back to sleep. I am super hungry, and them keep eating too much, and end up feeling bloated and gross. And today, there was the teeny tiniest drop of what looked like ewcm on the tissue. Because, of course, you know there is thorough analysis going on to look for implantation bleeding. Oh, and the heat! I am like a freaking oven. It's unbelievable how warm I am, especially at night. Only a few nights of actually sweating though. And if for some reason, my body doesn't feel warm, my eyes always do. Whew! I think that's about it. I think I might hyperventilate.
Breathe.
It can. It does. I will.
Repeat.
It can work. It does work. I will be a mother.
It can work. Of course it can. Why else would doctors recommend it? Why would (some) insurance cover it?
It does work. Even on the third try. I've seen it. For many of you. You are proof.
I will be a mother. Whether now, or sometime in the future, through some other means. The question is only when and how, not if. (But...soon, pretty please?!)
I have been repeating these words to myself over and over again since the day before my retrieval, largely inspired by my dear friend, and proof that it can, and does, the blogger formerly known as M from A Miracle 4 Us. (Thanks M!) Every time I start to freak out, every time my breath becomes frequent and shallow. I focus on taking deep breaths and trying to stay calm.
One week from today I go for beta. The day before, on Supe.r Bowl Sunday, I will test at home. This is because I have to fly to Buffalo on Monday night and I need some time with Hubby to process the news. I'm hoping it's a good day. I mean seriously, as a girl from upstate NY who decided to make New England her home, the Pats and the Giants playing has to be lucky, right?! Now, of course, I know from last time, that testing at home isn't a guaranteed answer, but it's still much better than getting a blind call at work and then getting on an airplane to be gone away from my Hubby for one to two nights! Doesn't the timing just always work out so perfectly?
I been doing a fairly decent job of distracting myself. I went back to work on Friday, and had a pretty slow day. Hubby and I had a very productive weekend, running errands, getting the house picked up, having dinner with friends, watching the US National Figure Skating Championships (I haven't finished yet, don't tell me who won!). It was the first weekend that has felt like normal since before the holidays, and probably even longer. It was great!
Today, I will admit to visiting Dr. Google a few times with some random things. Probably because I don't have an intense deadline at work right now. It's to easy to get distracted. At home, with Hubby, and house projects, etc. It's much easier.
It's 5dp3dt...so, what are the symptoms that are tempting me to visit the good doctor? I'll ramble them out for the sake of documentation, but not because the mean a damn thing, that's for sure! Boobs hurt (there's a surprise), an occasional twinge, but nothing really crampy like what I felt last time around should be implantation time (wait, is that a cramp or is that just gas?), ovaries (or that area) were achy this afternoon, lower back is starting to ache. I am. so. tired. I am falling asleep on the couch every night, dead tired. I am peeing all the time. Today, when ever I cough, I feel like I'm going to leak. And since I'm still dealing with post nasal drip, I am still coughing all the time. Although, today, I think I'm feeling that congested, but not necessarily flemmy, swollen hard to breathe feeling (is that progesterone too, or is that actually a good thing?) but it's hard to tell the difference with the damn cold that is lingering. Although I'm dead tired in the evening, when I wake up to pee multiple times a night, I have a hard time falling back to sleep. I am super hungry, and them keep eating too much, and end up feeling bloated and gross. And today, there was the teeny tiniest drop of what looked like ewcm on the tissue. Because, of course, you know there is thorough analysis going on to look for implantation bleeding. Oh, and the heat! I am like a freaking oven. It's unbelievable how warm I am, especially at night. Only a few nights of actually sweating though. And if for some reason, my body doesn't feel warm, my eyes always do. Whew! I think that's about it. I think I might hyperventilate.
Breathe.
It can. It does. I will.
Repeat.
1.26.2012
Third Time’s the Charm
I hope!
Because for the third time in less than 12 months, I am pregnant until proven otherwise with triplets. That's right. Transfer was yesterday, and again the recommendation was to transfer three of our nine embryos. I was so hoping that they would walk up with a picture of two beautiful embabies. This to me, was a sign that they embies were awesome, and that I might actually, against all odd, have some left to freeze. Alas, this was not to be.
But, the three that we did transfer all look pretty beautiful to me. I will post a picture soon. I got a new scanner for Christmas which I have yet to set up, so I want to use that instead of again taking a photo of a photo.
So, let me tell you a little bit about Violetta Margarita, Luigi Limoncello and Lucia Sangria 3.0. My clinic doesn't give letter or number grades, so it's hard to compare. What they do is rank each embryo with cell number, a fragmentation score (0-4, 0 is best), a symmetry score which I don't fully understand, and one other number which they didn't go into. She had the chart in front of me so briefly, it was impossible to absorb the stats on all of them. But, the embabies that are snuggling in right now were 8-1, considered very good 8-2 and 7-2, (cells, fragmentation only, I don't remember the symmetry numbers, and the doc didn't seem concerned by it). Not too shabby, especially since it's improvement from two 7s and one eight the last time.
We had at least one other 8 that was highly fragmented, and a few 9s as well with the same issue. The sizes ranged from 9 to 3 or 4 I think. In any case, due to small size, or fragmentation, they don't anticipate freezing any, which was the deciding factor in transferring 3. They have this whole flow chart of statistics which tells them how many. I thought for sure, with 9 embies, I'd get only 2, but since it is my third attempt, and there are none to freeze, 3 it was.
But, I'm all about the 3s right now anyway, cause the third time's the charm, right?
The transfer itself went very smoothly, with the exception of running a hour behind. I was beginning to freak out each time I saw the doctor walk by to talk to someone else. Can't you please come tell me about my embies? The suspense is killing me? I'll wait as long as you want if only you will tell me how they are doing?
The other problem was the full bladder. When you time the drinking of a full bottle of water to coincide with a specific time on the clock, and then are made to wait an extra hour...well, let's just say, that's none too pleasant. After we were a half hour late, we signaled the nurse over, and she told me I could go in the bathroom, and pee to the count of ten, and then squeeze really hard to stop the flow if I needed to cut the edge, because it would be another half hour at least. I wasn't sure I could do it, but I took her up on the offer. At first, I thought, no way do I have enough pee for a count of ten. But man, when I got to ten, what a tease!! It was really hard to stop. But I did! When I finally went after resting for ten minutes after transfer, I peed for at least a count of 30.
The last problem with the time delay, was hunger. We were told to report at 12:45, which means we needed to be in transit during my typical noon lunch time. I decided that I was too full and bloated to eat a full early lunch, so I opted for a few pieces of fruit, and we decided that Hubby would make our pasta dinner early when we got home in the afternoon so I didn't have to get up to feed myself when he had to go out later that evening. Well, being an hour behind, meant that we didn't even go in the room until 2:45. We were able to leave the hospital at around 3:15. We were on the 5th floor. We waited about 5 minutes for an elevator which was full when it arrived (there were about 10 floors above us!). Luckily, I remembered another set of elevators around the corner that are key entry only from the lobby, but accessible from upper floors. When we finally got downstairs, we had to wait another 10 minutes to get our car out of the valet. When you add this all together, we were perfectly timed to drive across town at 4:00, just in time to begin rush hour is Boston. I was freaking starving! I had thought I'd be eating by around 3.
When we got home, I went right to the recliner and Hubby got me a glass of cider. He was under strict instructions to then immediately begin boiling water for our pasta. Instead, he went down to the laundry room and started sorting laundry! I was freaking out! I didn't want to complain, because he was doing laundry, which I had asked him to do while I was bed resting. But come on, didn't he realize the dire need of food??
When he finally came up, I next heard him emptying the dish drainer of all the recycling that I had rinsed out. Finally, I yelled, "Is there water boiling yet?!? Can you please start boiling the water before you do anything else?!" I felt so bad, because he was trying so hard to take care of me. He just wasn't doing it in the right order.
I realize that I am totally babbling on by now. I had wanted to write all of this yesterday, but after eating, and attempting to watch a comedy (I streamed The Big Lebowski which I had never seen. It was not as funny as I had hoped, but Net.flix had slim pickins for streaming), I passed out by 6:30 and slept for about 3 solid hours until Hubby came home to give me my PIO shot. I have been ridiculously tired since starting the shots. And super, super warm. A few nights of night sweats, one morning I had a low grade fever, which was still low enough at 99 to not qualify for calling the nurse. Monday and Tuesday nights, I came home, listened to C+B and passed out then as well. It's really pretty incredible. Aside from that, the whopping three shots I've had so far have gone just fine. We've been heating the area first, warming the oil in my bra, and then massaging after. The actually needle stings a bit going in, but doesn't really phase me after all the other shots and blood draws. We'll see how things continue after we run out of fresh spots on my ass to inject. I suppose the fact that I'm feeling so hot and tired makes me feel that the PIO is doing something more than the crinone ever did. Here's hoping that it does something more for the embabies and not just me!
Today, I am off of work to rest. I'm glad tomorrow is Friday, and I only have to make it through one more day at the office before getting more downtime. My creative project for the day, should I be able to stay awake, is starting a blurb book that will be the first 5.5 years of my life with Hubby. The plan then will be to make one album a year after that. But I have a lot of catching up to do first. I also have acupuncture scheduled for 3:30 this afternoon. I figured 3ish was afternoon nap time anyway, right?
So that's that.
And now, we wait.
Because for the third time in less than 12 months, I am pregnant until proven otherwise with triplets. That's right. Transfer was yesterday, and again the recommendation was to transfer three of our nine embryos. I was so hoping that they would walk up with a picture of two beautiful embabies. This to me, was a sign that they embies were awesome, and that I might actually, against all odd, have some left to freeze. Alas, this was not to be.
But, the three that we did transfer all look pretty beautiful to me. I will post a picture soon. I got a new scanner for Christmas which I have yet to set up, so I want to use that instead of again taking a photo of a photo.
So, let me tell you a little bit about Violetta Margarita, Luigi Limoncello and Lucia Sangria 3.0. My clinic doesn't give letter or number grades, so it's hard to compare. What they do is rank each embryo with cell number, a fragmentation score (0-4, 0 is best), a symmetry score which I don't fully understand, and one other number which they didn't go into. She had the chart in front of me so briefly, it was impossible to absorb the stats on all of them. But, the embabies that are snuggling in right now were 8-1, considered very good 8-2 and 7-2, (cells, fragmentation only, I don't remember the symmetry numbers, and the doc didn't seem concerned by it). Not too shabby, especially since it's improvement from two 7s and one eight the last time.
We had at least one other 8 that was highly fragmented, and a few 9s as well with the same issue. The sizes ranged from 9 to 3 or 4 I think. In any case, due to small size, or fragmentation, they don't anticipate freezing any, which was the deciding factor in transferring 3. They have this whole flow chart of statistics which tells them how many. I thought for sure, with 9 embies, I'd get only 2, but since it is my third attempt, and there are none to freeze, 3 it was.
But, I'm all about the 3s right now anyway, cause the third time's the charm, right?
The transfer itself went very smoothly, with the exception of running a hour behind. I was beginning to freak out each time I saw the doctor walk by to talk to someone else. Can't you please come tell me about my embies? The suspense is killing me? I'll wait as long as you want if only you will tell me how they are doing?
The other problem was the full bladder. When you time the drinking of a full bottle of water to coincide with a specific time on the clock, and then are made to wait an extra hour...well, let's just say, that's none too pleasant. After we were a half hour late, we signaled the nurse over, and she told me I could go in the bathroom, and pee to the count of ten, and then squeeze really hard to stop the flow if I needed to cut the edge, because it would be another half hour at least. I wasn't sure I could do it, but I took her up on the offer. At first, I thought, no way do I have enough pee for a count of ten. But man, when I got to ten, what a tease!! It was really hard to stop. But I did! When I finally went after resting for ten minutes after transfer, I peed for at least a count of 30.
The last problem with the time delay, was hunger. We were told to report at 12:45, which means we needed to be in transit during my typical noon lunch time. I decided that I was too full and bloated to eat a full early lunch, so I opted for a few pieces of fruit, and we decided that Hubby would make our pasta dinner early when we got home in the afternoon so I didn't have to get up to feed myself when he had to go out later that evening. Well, being an hour behind, meant that we didn't even go in the room until 2:45. We were able to leave the hospital at around 3:15. We were on the 5th floor. We waited about 5 minutes for an elevator which was full when it arrived (there were about 10 floors above us!). Luckily, I remembered another set of elevators around the corner that are key entry only from the lobby, but accessible from upper floors. When we finally got downstairs, we had to wait another 10 minutes to get our car out of the valet. When you add this all together, we were perfectly timed to drive across town at 4:00, just in time to begin rush hour is Boston. I was freaking starving! I had thought I'd be eating by around 3.
When we got home, I went right to the recliner and Hubby got me a glass of cider. He was under strict instructions to then immediately begin boiling water for our pasta. Instead, he went down to the laundry room and started sorting laundry! I was freaking out! I didn't want to complain, because he was doing laundry, which I had asked him to do while I was bed resting. But come on, didn't he realize the dire need of food??
When he finally came up, I next heard him emptying the dish drainer of all the recycling that I had rinsed out. Finally, I yelled, "Is there water boiling yet?!? Can you please start boiling the water before you do anything else?!" I felt so bad, because he was trying so hard to take care of me. He just wasn't doing it in the right order.
I realize that I am totally babbling on by now. I had wanted to write all of this yesterday, but after eating, and attempting to watch a comedy (I streamed The Big Lebowski which I had never seen. It was not as funny as I had hoped, but Net.flix had slim pickins for streaming), I passed out by 6:30 and slept for about 3 solid hours until Hubby came home to give me my PIO shot. I have been ridiculously tired since starting the shots. And super, super warm. A few nights of night sweats, one morning I had a low grade fever, which was still low enough at 99 to not qualify for calling the nurse. Monday and Tuesday nights, I came home, listened to C+B and passed out then as well. It's really pretty incredible. Aside from that, the whopping three shots I've had so far have gone just fine. We've been heating the area first, warming the oil in my bra, and then massaging after. The actually needle stings a bit going in, but doesn't really phase me after all the other shots and blood draws. We'll see how things continue after we run out of fresh spots on my ass to inject. I suppose the fact that I'm feeling so hot and tired makes me feel that the PIO is doing something more than the crinone ever did. Here's hoping that it does something more for the embabies and not just me!
Today, I am off of work to rest. I'm glad tomorrow is Friday, and I only have to make it through one more day at the office before getting more downtime. My creative project for the day, should I be able to stay awake, is starting a blurb book that will be the first 5.5 years of my life with Hubby. The plan then will be to make one album a year after that. But I have a lot of catching up to do first. I also have acupuncture scheduled for 3:30 this afternoon. I figured 3ish was afternoon nap time anyway, right?
So that's that.
And now, we wait.
1.23.2012
Nine
No, I am not talking about a somewhat bizarre musical about an womanizing Italian film director.
I am talking about the number of my eggs that fertilized. That's right. You heard me.
Nine.
Out of twelve retrieved, 10 were mature, and nine fertilized. Can you tell that I am starting to finally feel excited? I am feeling much less pain today as well, although I look 5 months pregnant, and I can't walk very fast. But that's ok, because when you add my last two cycles together, it took us two tries to get the same number of fertilized eggs as we just got this time! I will take it!
All right, busy at work. Need to get back to it, but also needed to take a minute to be super excited!
PIO starts tonight. Wish me luck!
I am talking about the number of my eggs that fertilized. That's right. You heard me.
Nine.
Out of twelve retrieved, 10 were mature, and nine fertilized. Can you tell that I am starting to finally feel excited? I am feeling much less pain today as well, although I look 5 months pregnant, and I can't walk very fast. But that's ok, because when you add my last two cycles together, it took us two tries to get the same number of fertilized eggs as we just got this time! I will take it!
All right, busy at work. Need to get back to it, but also needed to take a minute to be super excited!
PIO starts tonight. Wish me luck!
1.22.2012
Another Dozen
Something about getting 12 eggs on 1.22.12 seems lucky to me. I'm always looking for patterns in numbers. I'm liking all the one and twos.
So, retrieval went just fine. The IV has been the worst part of it for me in the past. I barely felt this one. It was kind of awesome. I think it hurt less than a blood draw.
And then of course, there is the fact that we got 12 eggs, when I only had 10 follicles measured on Friday. We don't know how many are mature yet, but I will take it! I was preparing myself for less than 10, given my low estrogen number of 700 on Friday.
I asked the nurse her opinion of my estrogen. She agreed that it seemed a little low, but assured me that the follicles looked great, and I was meeting criteria for trigger. The criteria basically consists of E2 of 600, an and at least 4 follicles, at least two measuring 18 or greater. She said that typically, a mature egg produces 100-250 E2, and that my lower number could indicate that some of my follicles were empty. You can see why I was pleasantly surprised to wake up an hear 12!
I remember being barely conscious, and hearing 12, and then asking hubby two or three times later as the fog lifted. Did they really say 12?
One thing that is different for me this time is the amount of pain I am feeling after the fact. I was feeling better with tylenol and an IV pain med before we left the hospital. But the pain started to come back a lot in the car. I took percoset and a nap when got home, and have only made it up the half flight of stairs to the bathroom once so far. I was also visibly bleeding, which didn't happen the first two times. I'm guessing that has something to do with the extra pain. Maybe they had to work extra hard for those last two eggs?
Another interesting tidbit. Transfer will definitely be a 3 day on Wednesday. My clinic does not do 5 days as their research has shown there is no difference in success rates between 3 and 5. Last fall, when we were doing our second cycle, they were actually doing 2 day transfers. The thinking was that if the response was poor, and there were fewer embryos then would have been recommended to put back, maybe it was better to put those back earlier. I asked today if they were still doing 2 days, and apparently, they have determined that this did not help. They are back to 3 days only. I guess it's nice to see that they are constantly looking for ways to improve their process. Although, we were relieved that we were not one of the guinea pigs this past fall.
And, now we watch a lot of football (it's much too stressful, but a good distraction!), and wait for the fert report tomorrow. If we get more than 5 embies, I am going to be beyond thrilled!
So, retrieval went just fine. The IV has been the worst part of it for me in the past. I barely felt this one. It was kind of awesome. I think it hurt less than a blood draw.
And then of course, there is the fact that we got 12 eggs, when I only had 10 follicles measured on Friday. We don't know how many are mature yet, but I will take it! I was preparing myself for less than 10, given my low estrogen number of 700 on Friday.
I asked the nurse her opinion of my estrogen. She agreed that it seemed a little low, but assured me that the follicles looked great, and I was meeting criteria for trigger. The criteria basically consists of E2 of 600, an and at least 4 follicles, at least two measuring 18 or greater. She said that typically, a mature egg produces 100-250 E2, and that my lower number could indicate that some of my follicles were empty. You can see why I was pleasantly surprised to wake up an hear 12!
I remember being barely conscious, and hearing 12, and then asking hubby two or three times later as the fog lifted. Did they really say 12?
One thing that is different for me this time is the amount of pain I am feeling after the fact. I was feeling better with tylenol and an IV pain med before we left the hospital. But the pain started to come back a lot in the car. I took percoset and a nap when got home, and have only made it up the half flight of stairs to the bathroom once so far. I was also visibly bleeding, which didn't happen the first two times. I'm guessing that has something to do with the extra pain. Maybe they had to work extra hard for those last two eggs?
Another interesting tidbit. Transfer will definitely be a 3 day on Wednesday. My clinic does not do 5 days as their research has shown there is no difference in success rates between 3 and 5. Last fall, when we were doing our second cycle, they were actually doing 2 day transfers. The thinking was that if the response was poor, and there were fewer embryos then would have been recommended to put back, maybe it was better to put those back earlier. I asked today if they were still doing 2 days, and apparently, they have determined that this did not help. They are back to 3 days only. I guess it's nice to see that they are constantly looking for ways to improve their process. Although, we were relieved that we were not one of the guinea pigs this past fall.
And, now we watch a lot of football (it's much too stressful, but a good distraction!), and wait for the fert report tomorrow. If we get more than 5 embies, I am going to be beyond thrilled!
1.20.2012
Full Waddle
Yes folks, that's right. I'm waddling like a duck, and my fat jeans aren't really happy to be buttoned anymore. Before I went in this morning, I knew we were getting close, based on the bloat, and the ridiculous amounts of vag gold flowing like Niagra Falls from from my lady parts. Like, ridiculous.
We are triggering in T-minus 13 minutes for a Sunday morning retrieval. We have to be there at bright an early at 8:15. I think we might actually get to be first, which I think will be nice.
So, the stats, 10 follicles! A few more than Wednesday. The biggest two are now on the right, 20 and 19. Interestingly enough, but estrogen is only at 700. At first I freaked out, but a quick glance at Dr. Google found an article that said estrogen is not nearly as important an indicator as follicle size, unless there is a danger of OHSS and the levels are too high. I'm choosing to focus on that interpretation.
I had more to say, but I worked myself up into such a tizzy needing to go grocery shopping before a snow storm tomorrow to make sure I have everything I need for my recovery. I need to just veg out for the night.
But, I'll leave you with a funny image. My cryptic notes from Wednesday's monitoring appointment scribbled on a sticky note at work. I hope I remembered to throw it away!
All right, Hubby is mixing my shot. I have to go!
We are triggering in T-minus 13 minutes for a Sunday morning retrieval. We have to be there at bright an early at 8:15. I think we might actually get to be first, which I think will be nice.
So, the stats, 10 follicles! A few more than Wednesday. The biggest two are now on the right, 20 and 19. Interestingly enough, but estrogen is only at 700. At first I freaked out, but a quick glance at Dr. Google found an article that said estrogen is not nearly as important an indicator as follicle size, unless there is a danger of OHSS and the levels are too high. I'm choosing to focus on that interpretation.
I had more to say, but I worked myself up into such a tizzy needing to go grocery shopping before a snow storm tomorrow to make sure I have everything I need for my recovery. I need to just veg out for the night.
But, I'll leave you with a funny image. My cryptic notes from Wednesday's monitoring appointment scribbled on a sticky note at work. I hope I remembered to throw it away!
All right, Hubby is mixing my shot. I have to go!
1.18.2012
Italian
Thanks for all the lovin' yesterday ladies. I needed it!
Today is sunny, and I am feeling a bit better after heading home to the couch and the TV, and nothing else, last night.We'll see how long it lasts.
Quick update. Today I had a monitoring appointment. I am still waiting of instructions*, but I do know that I won't be triggering tonight. So, retrieval is Saturday at the earliest, although I have a feeling it will be Sunday. (Because of course, my Little Bro will be in town on business and is going to stay with us that night!) Right now, I have 8 follicles. 5 on the left, 3 on the right. It's the exact opposite of where I was this point in IVF 2.0. The largest on either is 16, which I why I'm sure there will be no trigger tonight. I think I have three at 14, and 3 at 10 as well. I'm satisfied with 8 at this point, because I have always ended up with more eggs than the follicles that were counted after 5 days of stims. I'm sure there are a handful more that will catch up in the next day or two.
OK, before I get back to work, Chon is wondering what I will do if Violetta really decides she would rather be a boy. Well, the front runner name right now is Luigi Limoncello. I hadn't thought about continuing the V theme, but maybe Vincenzo Martini might do? Or Vinnie? Thoughts?
Oh, and if Violetta decides that she would like to have a sister, well then, she'll be Lucia Sangria of course.
PS - Now you all think I am way more Italian than I actually am. I'm 1/4. Papa was born there. Arazio. But I've got a heck of a lot of English, Irish and German in there as well. Though, if I were to hyphenate, my name would sound like something out of a bad feminist mobster movie. Hubby's 1/2. I'm kinda jealous.
*Updated later. Just heard from the nurse. She quoted me 7 follicles, unlike the u/s tech who said 8. They are upping my dose of gonal f to 225 twice a day instead of just night, which feels good, since in two days, my E2 went from 232 to only 310. I think it should have at least doubled in two days. It's time to kick the girls into gear!
The other weird thing I've got going on that I think I haven't mentioned yet is pretty constant (every time I wipe) dark brown spotting since my period ended a week ago. Good times. And now it's starting to mix with cm which is becoming more eggwhitey as E2 goes up, making for all sorts of interesting things on the toilet paper. In any case, I left the question for the nurse this morning, since I have not experienced this kind of thing before. She said not to worry, but to keep them updated. It's likely just because I was on Lupron for an extended period of time. The good news is that at baseline, my lining was nice and thin, and is thickening up nicely (to quote the nurse with the over use of the work nice) so the spotting is not affecting that. Whew!
Today is sunny, and I am feeling a bit better after heading home to the couch and the TV, and nothing else, last night.We'll see how long it lasts.
Quick update. Today I had a monitoring appointment. I am still waiting of instructions*, but I do know that I won't be triggering tonight. So, retrieval is Saturday at the earliest, although I have a feeling it will be Sunday. (Because of course, my Little Bro will be in town on business and is going to stay with us that night!) Right now, I have 8 follicles. 5 on the left, 3 on the right. It's the exact opposite of where I was this point in IVF 2.0. The largest on either is 16, which I why I'm sure there will be no trigger tonight. I think I have three at 14, and 3 at 10 as well. I'm satisfied with 8 at this point, because I have always ended up with more eggs than the follicles that were counted after 5 days of stims. I'm sure there are a handful more that will catch up in the next day or two.
OK, before I get back to work, Chon is wondering what I will do if Violetta really decides she would rather be a boy. Well, the front runner name right now is Luigi Limoncello. I hadn't thought about continuing the V theme, but maybe Vincenzo Martini might do? Or Vinnie? Thoughts?
Oh, and if Violetta decides that she would like to have a sister, well then, she'll be Lucia Sangria of course.
PS - Now you all think I am way more Italian than I actually am. I'm 1/4. Papa was born there. Arazio. But I've got a heck of a lot of English, Irish and German in there as well. Though, if I were to hyphenate, my name would sound like something out of a bad feminist mobster movie. Hubby's 1/2. I'm kinda jealous.
*Updated later. Just heard from the nurse. She quoted me 7 follicles, unlike the u/s tech who said 8. They are upping my dose of gonal f to 225 twice a day instead of just night, which feels good, since in two days, my E2 went from 232 to only 310. I think it should have at least doubled in two days. It's time to kick the girls into gear!
The other weird thing I've got going on that I think I haven't mentioned yet is pretty constant (every time I wipe) dark brown spotting since my period ended a week ago. Good times. And now it's starting to mix with cm which is becoming more eggwhitey as E2 goes up, making for all sorts of interesting things on the toilet paper. In any case, I left the question for the nurse this morning, since I have not experienced this kind of thing before. She said not to worry, but to keep them updated. It's likely just because I was on Lupron for an extended period of time. The good news is that at baseline, my lining was nice and thin, and is thickening up nicely (to quote the nurse with the over use of the work nice) so the spotting is not affecting that. Whew!
1.17.2012
Fear.
Today there is fear.
I can't really tell you why more today than any other day in particular. My E2 level yesterday was 232, which seems like a perfectly reasonable place to be after 5 day s of stims. Dr. Stats did not change my meds dose, which must mean that she thinks I'm in a good place. I go back tomorrow morning for more b/w and a u/s this time,
Yeah, so aside from getting sick, having baseline delayed due to late arrival of AF, and then construction in the lab, and now Hubby being sick, and me freaking out that a cold is going to kill all his swimmers (we're doing ICSI, we should be fine, right?!), everything has been moving right along just fine.
But there is fear.
I think it's been sneaking up on me for quite a while.
I am afraid because this is my third cycle, and I am 2.5 months away from turning 37. If this cycle doesn't work, I am slip sliding my way toward falling of a cliff on the success rates chart. I am terrified that this cycle won't work. Simply terrified.
I am devastated that I am going to have two new nieces/nephews this summer, and I have been lapped by my younger brother, and I still see no end in sight to this journey. I want so much to be excited. Instead, there is sadness, jealousy and fear that Lady C and her sibling will never have any cousins to play with.
I am weary from nine months of IVF, and exhausted thinking of another year of this, this all consuming torture. I am one of the lucky ones who has insurance coverage of up to 6 cycles, with no reason yet to think that I won't be approved for three more. How could I not move forward and use the least expensive option presented to me to expand my family, especially when it offers me the chance to pass on our biology? But if it doesn't work this time, how can I waste any more time from moving on to something that will guarantee me a child, even if it takes an indefinite amount of time. I am not getting any younger. The thought of going through three more rounds of IVF, and being nearly 38 before evening beginning to look into adoption, and then possibly not meeting that child until I am almost 40 literally takes my breath away.
I am worried that I didn't push hard enough with my doctor and our second opinion to investigate reasons beyond egg and sperm that this hadn't yet work, and that there is something undiagnosed which will make this a wasted effort.
The dark evil of fear has wrapped it's arms around my chest and squeezed with all of it's might until the only breaths I can take are rapid and shallow. My cells twitch. My eyes dart. My mind wanders. I am pretty much useless.
And the thing that scares me the most...I can't see it. I can't see Violetta. Try as I might, I cannot, in my mind's eye, see my baby. I cannot visualize holding her, nursing her, tucking her in at night. I try to imagine her growing withing me, making my belly swell. I try to imagine giving birth and feeling her on my chest for the first time. I try so hard.
But all I can see is blackness.
And fear.
I can't really tell you why more today than any other day in particular. My E2 level yesterday was 232, which seems like a perfectly reasonable place to be after 5 day s of stims. Dr. Stats did not change my meds dose, which must mean that she thinks I'm in a good place. I go back tomorrow morning for more b/w and a u/s this time,
Yeah, so aside from getting sick, having baseline delayed due to late arrival of AF, and then construction in the lab, and now Hubby being sick, and me freaking out that a cold is going to kill all his swimmers (we're doing ICSI, we should be fine, right?!), everything has been moving right along just fine.
But there is fear.
I think it's been sneaking up on me for quite a while.
I am afraid because this is my third cycle, and I am 2.5 months away from turning 37. If this cycle doesn't work, I am slip sliding my way toward falling of a cliff on the success rates chart. I am terrified that this cycle won't work. Simply terrified.
I am devastated that I am going to have two new nieces/nephews this summer, and I have been lapped by my younger brother, and I still see no end in sight to this journey. I want so much to be excited. Instead, there is sadness, jealousy and fear that Lady C and her sibling will never have any cousins to play with.
I am weary from nine months of IVF, and exhausted thinking of another year of this, this all consuming torture. I am one of the lucky ones who has insurance coverage of up to 6 cycles, with no reason yet to think that I won't be approved for three more. How could I not move forward and use the least expensive option presented to me to expand my family, especially when it offers me the chance to pass on our biology? But if it doesn't work this time, how can I waste any more time from moving on to something that will guarantee me a child, even if it takes an indefinite amount of time. I am not getting any younger. The thought of going through three more rounds of IVF, and being nearly 38 before evening beginning to look into adoption, and then possibly not meeting that child until I am almost 40 literally takes my breath away.
I am worried that I didn't push hard enough with my doctor and our second opinion to investigate reasons beyond egg and sperm that this hadn't yet work, and that there is something undiagnosed which will make this a wasted effort.
The dark evil of fear has wrapped it's arms around my chest and squeezed with all of it's might until the only breaths I can take are rapid and shallow. My cells twitch. My eyes dart. My mind wanders. I am pretty much useless.
And the thing that scares me the most...I can't see it. I can't see Violetta. Try as I might, I cannot, in my mind's eye, see my baby. I cannot visualize holding her, nursing her, tucking her in at night. I try to imagine her growing withing me, making my belly swell. I try to imagine giving birth and feeling her on my chest for the first time. I try so hard.
But all I can see is blackness.
And fear.
1.15.2012
Lazy Sunday
Not too much to say tonight. Hubby and I have had a fairly relaxing, yet productive weekend. He's now got the cold that I am still trying to get rid of so we've been mostly hunkered down. We did get some stuff done around the house...laundry, filing, and finally packing away the last of the Christmas stuff. I also managed to make a cassoulet inspired stew-like concoction in the slow cooker today. I improvised, and it was good! And we had a lovely fire this evening as well. So yeah, a very full, yet lazy weekend.
Oh! And we booked our tropical beach vacation. After much deliberation, too many trip advisor reviews, and going around in circles for a few days, and a hormone induced emotional breakdown, we have chosen a resort 30 minutes outside of San Juan, Puerto Rico. Aruba was just turning out to be way more money than we wanted to spend right now. I'm trying to relax and be excited, and ignore some of the less than favorable reviews at the place we chose, and focus on the fact that most people really like the place. All that matters really is that we get a few days in the sun on the beach, right? And this place has a huge stretch of beach. I may have mentioned that we've had some bad luck with vacations in the past, so I'm just too paranoid. It's going to be fine! We're going to the beach in a few weeks! Yippee! And we're not spending 150% of our budget to do it.
The other thing that dominated the weekend was football.We Hubby watched all four games. It is exciting that the Pats have one more game to go to make it to the Super Bowl. I don't care too much about football, but I do enjoy a good party, so I'll take a few more weeks of this if we can get it.
If only this was actually a long weekend for me. But no, my office is open, and I get to get up early and head in for blood work bright and early to see how we're doing after 5 days of stims! You know I'll keep you posted.
Lastly, my good friend Chon over at My Path to Insanity & Beyond has a great post today about how to survive an IVF two week wait. For anyone who doesn't know her, she got her BFP this fall after 3 fresh cycles, and more, so she's been through more than her fair share of waits and definitely has some great advice to offer. Since I've been getting to know some new bloggers who I know are going through IVF for the first time, (or second or third...), I thought the was a great post to share. I wrote a long comment with some of my thoughts, so I won't bother putting them here right now.
Oh! And we booked our tropical beach vacation. After much deliberation, too many trip advisor reviews, and going around in circles for a few days, and a hormone induced emotional breakdown, we have chosen a resort 30 minutes outside of San Juan, Puerto Rico. Aruba was just turning out to be way more money than we wanted to spend right now. I'm trying to relax and be excited, and ignore some of the less than favorable reviews at the place we chose, and focus on the fact that most people really like the place. All that matters really is that we get a few days in the sun on the beach, right? And this place has a huge stretch of beach. I may have mentioned that we've had some bad luck with vacations in the past, so I'm just too paranoid. It's going to be fine! We're going to the beach in a few weeks! Yippee! And we're not spending 150% of our budget to do it.
The other thing that dominated the weekend was football.
If only this was actually a long weekend for me. But no, my office is open, and I get to get up early and head in for blood work bright and early to see how we're doing after 5 days of stims! You know I'll keep you posted.
Lastly, my good friend Chon over at My Path to Insanity & Beyond has a great post today about how to survive an IVF two week wait. For anyone who doesn't know her, she got her BFP this fall after 3 fresh cycles, and more, so she's been through more than her fair share of waits and definitely has some great advice to offer. Since I've been getting to know some new bloggers who I know are going through IVF for the first time, (or second or third...), I thought the was a great post to share. I wrote a long comment with some of my thoughts, so I won't bother putting them here right now.
1.12.2012
Dilution, Dehydration and Delurking
First of all, it's International Delurking Week through this Sunday, the 15th. So please, I have 75 followers, and only a dozen or so faithful commenters. I'd love for all of you to take a moment to say hi and to tell me a little something about yourself. I'll ask you my favorite ice breaker question to help get you started.
If you were a candy, what candy would you be?
My answer: A Sweet Tart!
* * *
OK, on to my second topic. Dilution.
Liz asked after my last post, why is my dose of Lupron so high. I thought I would explain it, since in addition to my being my sanity, I hope this blog will help other who follow behind me in this journey.
I've been taking 40 units of diluted Lupron since Christmas, and now that I've started stims as of last night, I'll be taking 20 units until trigger. In a typical Long Lupron Protocol like my first IVF, the dose is 10 units, down to 5. The difference here, is that the amount of Lurpon I'm actually getting is super small compared to the long protocol. Say it's like 1 unit, or smaller. Now, any of you who are familiar with Lupron could imagine just how impossible it would be to actually fill a syringe with 1 unit or less. Yeah, pretty much not possible. It would be like a drop. So, what happens is, that drop is added to some other liquid diluant in order to make it easier to actually measure out an amount you can put in a syringe with some accuracy. That's why it seems like my dose is so big. But trust me, I would be out. of. my. mind. if I have been on full strength Lupron for 18 days.
Now, the next question might be, why such a small amount of Lupron. Well, basically, the theory is that in my first cycle, I was too suppressed. At baseline, my E2 was > 10. I was on 150 of Gonal F and 75 of Menopur, and they ended up having to increase the dose a few times. My E2 after 5 days of stims was only 189. From what I've gathered, this was on the low side, and it is better for the eggs to grow at a solid steady rate, as opposed to start off slow and then be faced with higher and higher levels of stims to get the desired result.
My second cycle was different entirely, making use of the antagonist protocol, with Gonal F only, 150 twice a day. The theory is that I got better quality eggs with Gonal F only as evidenced by a much higher fertilization rate (though ICSI was involved the second time, so it's hard to say for sure). But, I stimmed so fast (7 days!), we weren't able to get as many eggs. This is in part due to bcps as a suppression not leveling the playing field of the follicles as well as Lupron in some cases, so the eggs don't all start off at the same size. They had to trigger me or risk the largest follicle ovulating on it's own.
So, this time, in addition to the change in suppression, we're sticking with Gonal F since it seems my body likes that best, but we've reduced the amount to 225, at night only, so hopefully I will stim over a longer period at a slow and steady pace and get a nice batch of high quality eggs when all is said and done.
The theory already seems to be working as my E2 at baseline this week was 13, so I was actually on the chart and hopefully not over suppressed!
* * *
And lastly, a little story for you about dehydration. Last night, I went into the bathroom to fill our humidifier from the tub. I yanked back the shower curtain and almost peed myself with I say little Roy, one of our furbabies, cowering on the floor of the tub. This is not normal behavior. It startled me half to death.
He ran off, and as I left the bathroom, the other furry, Ziggy made his way into the bathtub. I exclaimed all this to Hubby, who said something about them being interested in the water I had just splashed. But again, not normal behavior. Then Hubby noted that he'd seen Ziggy licking the condensation off the window earlier that evening. And I remembered that Ziggy had been up on the kitchen sink the night before, which is more weird behavior. I went back down to the bathroom to find both boys sitting in the tub, looking up at my like I was a crazy person.
And then we realized that their water must be empty! We have one of those big ones that looks like a mini water cooler. I ran down stairs, and sure enough, dry as a bone. I filled it, and an extra bowl, and within seconds, both boys were in the kitchen, pressed to the floor, lapping up the water like crazy.
It made me cry.
I felt so horrible that they were so thirsty, yet not complaining to us at all. I have no idea how long they were out water, as Hubby takes care of these things. And it made me realize just how out of it Hubby really is right now. He had a good session with his shrink just last night, who wants him back off meds. He sees the prescribing psychiatrist next week, which is good. He's definitely not been himself. When I came back up to tell him about the boys, I told him that I hope the fact that he dehydrated his poor little kitties will help him to take action and snap out of the funk he's been in. I know it's not easy, as it's a chemical thing with him, but he does better with exercise, so we just need to get him back up and running some how. We'll figure it out eventually. We always do.
1.10.2012
Game On
Tomorrow!
Had baseline this morning. Oh wandy, how I missed you.
One. more. day. of full dose (40 units) diluted Lupron tomorrow. And then finally, Gonal F starts tomorrow night, 225 once a day. Lupron continues at half dose - 20 units. But I still think I'll have to call in my second refill. 18 days on Lupron. Goodness, this has been slow getting started. But getting started we finally are, so I can't complain.
Based on my previous cycles of 11 days of stims, and 7 days of stims, this puts me at retrieval sometime between next Thursday 1/19 and Mon 1/23. It will be interesting to see how this one plays out.
Had baseline this morning. Oh wandy, how I missed you.
One. more. day. of full dose (40 units) diluted Lupron tomorrow. And then finally, Gonal F starts tomorrow night, 225 once a day. Lupron continues at half dose - 20 units. But I still think I'll have to call in my second refill. 18 days on Lupron. Goodness, this has been slow getting started. But getting started we finally are, so I can't complain.
Based on my previous cycles of 11 days of stims, and 7 days of stims, this puts me at retrieval sometime between next Thursday 1/19 and Mon 1/23. It will be interesting to see how this one plays out.
1.09.2012
First Blogoversary
It's my one year blogoversary today. It's pretty amazing. I have a much more reflective post in the works, but have yet to find the time and energy to finish it. Hopefully soon. Seeing BIL's pregnant girlfriend yesterday was uneventful. She doesn't yet know that I know, so that makes it easier I guess. And she amazingly really isn't showing. Today, I awoke feeling the seeds of a panic that I have not felt for a long time. As evidenced by my last post, there is a lot on my mind. I've made it a third of the way through the day though, and I'll just keep breathing until it's time to go home. At least I am beginning to feel like a human again. Despite all of this, I did not want today to go by unmarked. So, there you have it. Happy Blogoversary to me!
1.07.2012
Feeling Scattered
I can't really think of an interesting title right now. I am feeling so many things. So, I thought I should just blog them out.
I am feeling tired from this cold that won't go away. I made it through 6 hours of work on Thursday, and 4 in the office, with another hour at home yesterday listening to a conference call from the couch with my eyes closed. Not a bad way to have a call in all honesty. I had thought I felt better yesterday, until the stabbing sinus pains started halfway through the morning. You know the kind, like knifes poking into your eyes and cheeks? Not fun. I spent most of the night cuddled on the couch with Hubby. Today, I still feel like I have a cold, but am feeling better if I don't try to push to hard. It's amazing what a cold can do to your endurance. Which leads me to my next feeling.
I am feeling restless! I have spent so much time lying on the couch in the last week, I'm starting to feel like a pillow! I look around my house, and see all the christmas stuff just piled, waiting to be stuffed back into boxes. Yes, I started this project 6 days ago! It's beginning to make me crazy. I already get sad when I have to undecorate. The fact that this process is taking over a week is driving me insane!
I am feeling like a slob. I counted about 7 pairs of shoes (some Hubby's, some mine) and two pairs of socks (Hubby, why do men insist upon taking their socks off in the living room and leaving them there??) on the living room floor last night because I don't have the energy to pick them up. And it's just not one of Hubby's fortes. He's trying to keep up with the dishes, since he doesn't like me to put away the clean ones when I am sick. But it's just not the same as when I am staying on top of it (and I'm not all that great of a house keepeer to begin with.) The messes are piling up. It's time to do laundry, and I just can't find the energy.
I am stressed about work. I thought my project was on hold for two weeks, so I said I was available and was immediately snatched up by a project badly in need of some help, and more complicated that my stuffy little brain could really get into in the 10 hours I managed in the office this week. And that conference call that I had yesterday? Well, that was my client with the feedback we needed to come off of hold. Two weeks to develop options and go back to Buffalo to present. Guess what else is supposed to go down in two weeks? I'm not too worried about the timing the the cycle part. I just feel badly about the staffing confusing, and leaving another team hanging. But, as Hubby keeps reminding me, staffing is not my problem. If I felt healthier, and didn't have a cycle coming up, I would possibly be able to be a good team player, and put in a few extra hours in the next few weeks to help people out. But then again, why the heck should I? I don't get paid for over time? I guess it's just the constant internal battle of a conscientious employee. I wish I cared more than I actually do sometimes. Most of the time, I am just stressed out that deadlines are going to place pressure on me at an inopportune time for baby making. And then I get pissed off at my job. As far as my main project, I had already let the project manager know back in December that I would not be able to travel for the project in January. It shouldn't be an issue. Hopefully, we will have plenty of time to get the work done without causing me stress. They can go see the client, and I can go have a transfer and some bed rest while they are out of the office.
I am feeling a little lupron loopy, and am impatient to get this show on the road, even if I am glad to have a little more time to kick the cold first. I am so afraid that this won't work again. I started out feeling so optimistic, but the longer it takes to get started, and the longer I battle this cold, the harder it is for me to maintain the excitement and positive thinking. I need cold medicine right now, or there would be no getting better, but I am worried about being all dried up and it effecting my eggs. I am worried about being on Lupron for too long, and being over suppressed like I was if IVF #1. I am worried that since the Lupron is diluted it won't suppress me enough, and when I go in for baseline, my estrogen will be too high and they will say we have to wait, and then we will have booked a vacation, and will have to wait even longer (because due to Hubby's work schedule, that's when the vacation has to be or it's not happening). I am grateful that the Lupron is diluted because I can't imagine having those headaches at 3pm every day for 6 extra days. There are many fewer side effects, except that I am feeling emotionally unstable, that's for sure.
I am anxious for tomorrow. Tomorrow is finally our Christmas with Hubby's family. It's traditionally the sunday after Christmas, but was put off a week this year in favor of New Year's Day. It will be the first time we see (we think, she may bail) BIL's pregnant girlfriend. They are not planning to announce anything to the family tomorrow, because they still haven't figured out what they are doing long term. But, let's get real here people. If she's due in the beginning of June, then she's got to be 17 or so weeks by now. I've seen all your belly pictures out there ladies. She's a small girl. How is she hiding this? I'm nearly positive that there will be at least a few savy ladies tomorrow who will pick up on something, and I don't trust at least one of them not to make a thing of it, at least in whispers. And then there is the cousin who we know is trying. Although, she was drinking at Thanksgiving. My theory is that is she were to be pregnant enough to announce tomorrow, then she would have been already pregnant then. So, I'm trying no to worry about that fact too much.
I am worried about Hubby, who has been sleeping up a storm, and obsessively playing mindless solitaire games on his iPhone. He's preoccupied with his brother, and his mother's health, and work. But I need him. I need him to help me get the house in order. I need him to be involved in this cycle. I have done all of my injections this time thus far. I need him to have a conversation with me in the evening about life in general. I need to see him laugh and smile. That's one of the reasons this vacation is so important. Speaking of which, we are leaning toward Aruba, which seems to be at the higher end of our budget, but we're going to try to make it work. But every time I think I found a reasonable place, I read about it on trip advisor and find that a bunch of people are bashing it for being musty or something. I hate travel research! It's so much pressure to find something because so much money will be spent, and Hubby and I do not have the best track record with vacations. Ugh! So, yeah, there's yet another thing on my mind. I did get the all clear to fly from the doctor though. If this works, I'll have u/s at 5.5 weeks, and between 7.5 - 8 weeks. We're planning to travel around week 7, so all should work out perfectly.
I am feeling inertia. So many things I want and need to do, so little energy to actually get them started, but the longer I put them off, the crazier it makes me. So, I think I will heat up some lunch, and try to gather up the laundry, start a load, and then I'll probably have to rest on the couch for another 20 minutes or so. I just need to muster up a bit of strength to get this object at rest into motion, at least for a few minutes.
I am feeling tired from this cold that won't go away. I made it through 6 hours of work on Thursday, and 4 in the office, with another hour at home yesterday listening to a conference call from the couch with my eyes closed. Not a bad way to have a call in all honesty. I had thought I felt better yesterday, until the stabbing sinus pains started halfway through the morning. You know the kind, like knifes poking into your eyes and cheeks? Not fun. I spent most of the night cuddled on the couch with Hubby. Today, I still feel like I have a cold, but am feeling better if I don't try to push to hard. It's amazing what a cold can do to your endurance. Which leads me to my next feeling.
I am feeling restless! I have spent so much time lying on the couch in the last week, I'm starting to feel like a pillow! I look around my house, and see all the christmas stuff just piled, waiting to be stuffed back into boxes. Yes, I started this project 6 days ago! It's beginning to make me crazy. I already get sad when I have to undecorate. The fact that this process is taking over a week is driving me insane!
I am feeling like a slob. I counted about 7 pairs of shoes (some Hubby's, some mine) and two pairs of socks (Hubby, why do men insist upon taking their socks off in the living room and leaving them there??) on the living room floor last night because I don't have the energy to pick them up. And it's just not one of Hubby's fortes. He's trying to keep up with the dishes, since he doesn't like me to put away the clean ones when I am sick. But it's just not the same as when I am staying on top of it (and I'm not all that great of a house keepeer to begin with.) The messes are piling up. It's time to do laundry, and I just can't find the energy.
I am stressed about work. I thought my project was on hold for two weeks, so I said I was available and was immediately snatched up by a project badly in need of some help, and more complicated that my stuffy little brain could really get into in the 10 hours I managed in the office this week. And that conference call that I had yesterday? Well, that was my client with the feedback we needed to come off of hold. Two weeks to develop options and go back to Buffalo to present. Guess what else is supposed to go down in two weeks? I'm not too worried about the timing the the cycle part. I just feel badly about the staffing confusing, and leaving another team hanging. But, as Hubby keeps reminding me, staffing is not my problem. If I felt healthier, and didn't have a cycle coming up, I would possibly be able to be a good team player, and put in a few extra hours in the next few weeks to help people out. But then again, why the heck should I? I don't get paid for over time? I guess it's just the constant internal battle of a conscientious employee. I wish I cared more than I actually do sometimes. Most of the time, I am just stressed out that deadlines are going to place pressure on me at an inopportune time for baby making. And then I get pissed off at my job. As far as my main project, I had already let the project manager know back in December that I would not be able to travel for the project in January. It shouldn't be an issue. Hopefully, we will have plenty of time to get the work done without causing me stress. They can go see the client, and I can go have a transfer and some bed rest while they are out of the office.
I am feeling a little lupron loopy, and am impatient to get this show on the road, even if I am glad to have a little more time to kick the cold first. I am so afraid that this won't work again. I started out feeling so optimistic, but the longer it takes to get started, and the longer I battle this cold, the harder it is for me to maintain the excitement and positive thinking. I need cold medicine right now, or there would be no getting better, but I am worried about being all dried up and it effecting my eggs. I am worried about being on Lupron for too long, and being over suppressed like I was if IVF #1. I am worried that since the Lupron is diluted it won't suppress me enough, and when I go in for baseline, my estrogen will be too high and they will say we have to wait, and then we will have booked a vacation, and will have to wait even longer (because due to Hubby's work schedule, that's when the vacation has to be or it's not happening). I am grateful that the Lupron is diluted because I can't imagine having those headaches at 3pm every day for 6 extra days. There are many fewer side effects, except that I am feeling emotionally unstable, that's for sure.
I am anxious for tomorrow. Tomorrow is finally our Christmas with Hubby's family. It's traditionally the sunday after Christmas, but was put off a week this year in favor of New Year's Day. It will be the first time we see (we think, she may bail) BIL's pregnant girlfriend. They are not planning to announce anything to the family tomorrow, because they still haven't figured out what they are doing long term. But, let's get real here people. If she's due in the beginning of June, then she's got to be 17 or so weeks by now. I've seen all your belly pictures out there ladies. She's a small girl. How is she hiding this? I'm nearly positive that there will be at least a few savy ladies tomorrow who will pick up on something, and I don't trust at least one of them not to make a thing of it, at least in whispers. And then there is the cousin who we know is trying. Although, she was drinking at Thanksgiving. My theory is that is she were to be pregnant enough to announce tomorrow, then she would have been already pregnant then. So, I'm trying no to worry about that fact too much.
I am worried about Hubby, who has been sleeping up a storm, and obsessively playing mindless solitaire games on his iPhone. He's preoccupied with his brother, and his mother's health, and work. But I need him. I need him to help me get the house in order. I need him to be involved in this cycle. I have done all of my injections this time thus far. I need him to have a conversation with me in the evening about life in general. I need to see him laugh and smile. That's one of the reasons this vacation is so important. Speaking of which, we are leaning toward Aruba, which seems to be at the higher end of our budget, but we're going to try to make it work. But every time I think I found a reasonable place, I read about it on trip advisor and find that a bunch of people are bashing it for being musty or something. I hate travel research! It's so much pressure to find something because so much money will be spent, and Hubby and I do not have the best track record with vacations. Ugh! So, yeah, there's yet another thing on my mind. I did get the all clear to fly from the doctor though. If this works, I'll have u/s at 5.5 weeks, and between 7.5 - 8 weeks. We're planning to travel around week 7, so all should work out perfectly.
I am feeling inertia. So many things I want and need to do, so little energy to actually get them started, but the longer I put them off, the crazier it makes me. So, I think I will heat up some lunch, and try to gather up the laundry, start a load, and then I'll probably have to rest on the couch for another 20 minutes or so. I just need to muster up a bit of strength to get this object at rest into motion, at least for a few minutes.
1.05.2012
It's Always Something
I made it to work today. I'm not so sure it was the brightest idea, but I could see my PTO bank (paid time off, vacation and sick time in one pool) disappearing before my very eyes. And, one of my coworkers is leaving and her farewell was this afternoon. I wanted to see her off. I did leave by 4 this afternoon though.
In any case, sometime this morning, a trip to the bathroom revealed the slightest tinge of brown on the tissue. Whew, I thought. I don't have to call the nurse, yet again, to reschedule my baseline. We can finally get this show on the road!
But then, right after 3 in the afternoon, shortly after I would have had to call in if not for starting to spot. My phone range with my clinic's number. Strange. I don't need to postpone again...why are they calling me? I let it go to voicemail since I was at my desk in the open, but then immediately listened to the message.
Apparently, they are now intentionally delaying my baseline to next Tuesday morning (at 7am...what happend to my 7:30, don't they know they kill me with that first appointment of the day and send all of my coworkers in to shock when I appear at work closer to 8 than 9?). Why, you might ask? I guess there was some construction in the embryology lab during their closing for the holiday and there is one part that hasn't yet come in. So, they are delaying me now so that I won't have to have my retrieval elsewhere.
I suppose I would find this incredibly frustrating if not for the fact that now I have 5 more days to recover from the cold from hell! In case you are curious, breathing is going much better, but I'm starting to get that awesome chest cough now. Mmmm, my favorite.
I headed to acupuncture tonight, despite the delay in starting stims, in hopes that it might offer some relief from the cold. My head definitely felt somewhat lighter when I left. We'll see what tomorrow brings. At least it's Friday already!
In other good news, Hubby was able to get the last week of Feb/first week of March off and we are planning a tropical beach vacation!! If all goes well, this will be a few weeks after beta. I know it might be a crazy time to travel, but we need this trip like you wouldn't believe, especially after the work year he just finished, and no matter what the result of this cycle. If it works, then it's our last chance to relax on the beach without babies, and if it doesn't, well, then, need I say more. I need to plan this because life has to be about more than the ttc process. Hubby and I need to get away and have time together. I'm so sick of having to plan (or not) everything around what ifs. So, we're going to go for it. Although, I will give the doctor a call and ask her opinion of air travel halfway through the first trimester just to be sure.
OK, that said, anyone have any favorite tropical destinations that are easy to get to from the east coast? (no small planes, hubby won't do it.) Please share!
In any case, sometime this morning, a trip to the bathroom revealed the slightest tinge of brown on the tissue. Whew, I thought. I don't have to call the nurse, yet again, to reschedule my baseline. We can finally get this show on the road!
But then, right after 3 in the afternoon, shortly after I would have had to call in if not for starting to spot. My phone range with my clinic's number. Strange. I don't need to postpone again...why are they calling me? I let it go to voicemail since I was at my desk in the open, but then immediately listened to the message.
Apparently, they are now intentionally delaying my baseline to next Tuesday morning (at 7am...what happend to my 7:30, don't they know they kill me with that first appointment of the day and send all of my coworkers in to shock when I appear at work closer to 8 than 9?). Why, you might ask? I guess there was some construction in the embryology lab during their closing for the holiday and there is one part that hasn't yet come in. So, they are delaying me now so that I won't have to have my retrieval elsewhere.
I suppose I would find this incredibly frustrating if not for the fact that now I have 5 more days to recover from the cold from hell! In case you are curious, breathing is going much better, but I'm starting to get that awesome chest cough now. Mmmm, my favorite.
I headed to acupuncture tonight, despite the delay in starting stims, in hopes that it might offer some relief from the cold. My head definitely felt somewhat lighter when I left. We'll see what tomorrow brings. At least it's Friday already!
In other good news, Hubby was able to get the last week of Feb/first week of March off and we are planning a tropical beach vacation!! If all goes well, this will be a few weeks after beta. I know it might be a crazy time to travel, but we need this trip like you wouldn't believe, especially after the work year he just finished, and no matter what the result of this cycle. If it works, then it's our last chance to relax on the beach without babies, and if it doesn't, well, then, need I say more. I need to plan this because life has to be about more than the ttc process. Hubby and I need to get away and have time together. I'm so sick of having to plan (or not) everything around what ifs. So, we're going to go for it. Although, I will give the doctor a call and ask her opinion of air travel halfway through the first trimester just to be sure.
OK, that said, anyone have any favorite tropical destinations that are easy to get to from the east coast? (no small planes, hubby won't do it.) Please share!
1.04.2012
Still Sick
I stayed home again today. I'm glad that work is slow right now, and I don't have to feel guilty over taking care of myself. I slept most of the day, and I am feeling slightly better than yesterday. Yesterday, I was soooo stuffed up there was literally no air passing through my nose. Today, I can breathe again, although not perfectly. I have been sneezing, and am starting to get a cough, but these things I can deal with. It's the completely stuffed up head that is really hard to take. If that's behind me, I think I should be able to make it back to work tomorrow. I don't want to use up all my personal time on this cold! I need time off soon for retrieval/transfer and bed rest!
And...still no sign of Auntie. I've rescheduled baseline twice. It is now scheduled for Friday morning. Chickenpig, I'm not sure why they don't just let me tell them when she shows up. They schedule it after 10 days of Lupron. I have to remember, that I started Lupron on Day 19 instead of Day 22 because of my holiday travel. With my first cycle with Lupron, she didn't show until Day 32, which was baseline day. This time, that would be Saturday. So, we shall see where we are by 2:30 tomorrow (early enough to call the nurse and get a call back that day).
In any case, I am trying to to be frustrated about the delay, because I need this time to get healthy. I'm really paranoid about having to cancel because of this stupid cold. I haven't been sick like this in a really long time (all those prenatal vitamins and all.) I don't even know where the hell it came from. I've barely been out in the world for over a week, just around family and a small group of friend, non of whom seemed to be sick. This really came out of nowhere and hit me like a brick! What a way to welcome the new year!
And...still no sign of Auntie. I've rescheduled baseline twice. It is now scheduled for Friday morning. Chickenpig, I'm not sure why they don't just let me tell them when she shows up. They schedule it after 10 days of Lupron. I have to remember, that I started Lupron on Day 19 instead of Day 22 because of my holiday travel. With my first cycle with Lupron, she didn't show until Day 32, which was baseline day. This time, that would be Saturday. So, we shall see where we are by 2:30 tomorrow (early enough to call the nurse and get a call back that day).
In any case, I am trying to to be frustrated about the delay, because I need this time to get healthy. I'm really paranoid about having to cancel because of this stupid cold. I haven't been sick like this in a really long time (all those prenatal vitamins and all.) I don't even know where the hell it came from. I've barely been out in the world for over a week, just around family and a small group of friend, non of whom seemed to be sick. This really came out of nowhere and hit me like a brick! What a way to welcome the new year!
1.03.2012
So Stuffy!
Well, one of these days I will get around to that reflective, goal setting post. But, today, I am home sick on what should be the first day back to work after the holiday break. Yesterday, I woke up with a sore throat of the post nasal drip variety. I felt a little warm eyed all day, but not too stuffy. But last night, ugh, it came on in full force. I was awake for a solid two hours at least in the middle of the night, just stuffed up and uncomfortable!
This morning, the sinus pain was in fill force. I decided to take advantage of the fact that my project at work is hold for two weeks, and they haven't had a chance to figure out what random tasks will fill my time, and I emailed in sick.
I need to rest, and save up my energy because baseline is supposed to be tomorrow... although, as per usual, I'm supposed to be spotting by now, and of course, I am not yet. I am giving it until 2:30 before I call and let the nurse know. For my first cycle, I didn't start spotting until the day of baseline, and even though I called the day before to tell them I wasn't yet, they had me come in anyway, so we will see what happens. Why is that Auntie Flo continues to be the most uncooperative relative I have?
Based on my emotional state yesterday (I was weeping over taking down the tree!), she should be here any minute. She has three hours to shape up.
And I have a few days to get rid of this cold!
This morning, the sinus pain was in fill force. I decided to take advantage of the fact that my project at work is hold for two weeks, and they haven't had a chance to figure out what random tasks will fill my time, and I emailed in sick.
I need to rest, and save up my energy because baseline is supposed to be tomorrow... although, as per usual, I'm supposed to be spotting by now, and of course, I am not yet. I am giving it until 2:30 before I call and let the nurse know. For my first cycle, I didn't start spotting until the day of baseline, and even though I called the day before to tell them I wasn't yet, they had me come in anyway, so we will see what happens. Why is that Auntie Flo continues to be the most uncooperative relative I have?
Based on my emotional state yesterday (I was weeping over taking down the tree!), she should be here any minute. She has three hours to shape up.
And I have a few days to get rid of this cold!
1.01.2012
Happy New Year!
I'd planned to write an inspiring post about what I want 2012 to be, but after staying up far too late last night hosting our party, I am much too sleepy to be eloquent. And, my blogiversary is coming up next week, so that might be a good time to think about the upcoming year. Instead, I wanted to say a quick Happy New Year and share a few pictures from our party last night...
That's me, all ready to party in my new dress!
Here I am with a flash so you can see that the dress is actually purple, not black.
Don't you love that Hubby color coordinated with me?
We enjoy theme parties, and wanted to do something around the fact that the Mayan calender ends in December 2012. We decided to call our party "The Last New Year's Party" and went with a Mexican fiesta theme. The flavored chocolate (chili, salt & pepper, and cinnamon) was a big hit. And of course, every fiesta needs a lot of guac!
The party was a lot of fun. I can't believe it's 2012. That's insane. I also can't believe that I have only one more day off of work. It's been a nice long break! And lastly, I can't believe that I am 8 shots of lupron into IVF 3.0! What the heck?
Hope you are all enjoying New Year's Day!
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