So Long. Farewell...

Yesterday, I said good-bye to my beautiful little niece (and Little Bro, and SIL, but everyone knows they don't really count, right?) I will not see them again before they head back to England tomorrow. I do not know when I will see her again. I fear it might be an entire year. And the year between 1.5 and 2.5 is quite a year to see only via Skype. I want to see when she figures out to complete the third line of "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star" with more than just "Up ah ba ba..." It's the sweetest thing.

With their baby coming in June, I doubt they will make it home for a summer trip. With my baby coming in the fall (optimism!) I won't be able to travel to England to see them. And so, next Christmas it will likely be. Words cannot express how pissed off I am at my brother for moving to England.

But enough about my brother.

Today, I say good-bye to 2011...The Year Without a Baby Bump.

It certainly has been quite a year, and I will say that it's going out with more hope and optimism than the way it started. Last year, on New Year's Eve Day, I ran to the RE for a baseline to prepare for my second injectable IUI, only to be told that I would have to wait a month because my insurance carrier was changing, and they couldn't get authorization. This was two days after learning that my cousin 6 years younger was expecting her first, and after spending 4 days with a 6 month old Lady C. It was not good.

But today, I am looking forward to hosting a party tonight, curling my hair, putting on my brand new cocktail dress. I have been injecting myself for a week now, to quiet those ovaries and prepare for our third cycle. Progress was made the last time. I believe in the changes we're making, and I have no reason to believe that progress won't be made again this time. I am peaceful. I am hopeful. I am excited.

So, needless to say, I am very much looking forward to 2012. But what about 2011? What did I get out of it? I didn't get what I wanted...that elusive baby bump followed by a take-home baby. Though, I knew by March that there would be no take-home baby this year. That sort of sucks, doesn't it, going into another new year, thinking there are only three months in which to produce what would hopefully become that baby, in the next new year? I've learned that I can't think like that. There will be a baby someday, someway. It hardly matters anymore in which calendar year it happens. (Although I am getting sick of waiting, and Chon, I thank you dearly for your threats to the man upstairs!)

Right, so back to what I did get out of this year. I'm a person who sometimes has a hard time recognizing my accomplishments, so I sometimes find it helpful to create a list. Here goes:

• Started attending Resolve.
• Discovered the world of ALI Blogs and started one of my own.
• Made a bunch of amazing friends who I will likely never meet in person, though I would love to.
• Learned how to give myself injections - something I never dreamed possible.
• Painted my living room, dining room and bedroom.
• Worked through some of my daddy issues by sharing the story with you, and decided to table it for a time when all my emotional energy isn't consumed by the baby quest.
• Traveled to London for the fourth time for a great vacation with Hubby and a fun visit to see Little Bro, SIL and Lady C. 
• Discovered acupuncture.
• Correctly predicted the winner of American Idol from the first week of the finalists. I am very proud of this fact!
• Survived two IVF cycles.
• Got promoted.
• Spent a fun fourth of July in the Berkshires with my family. 
• Struggled through a rough summer with both Hubby and myself being overworked, overtired, and easily agitated with each other after the first cycle failed. But we survived stronger on the other side.
• Learned how to let myself cry when I need too
• Hosted 24 members of hubby's family for a back yard BBQ in. the. rain. 
• Improved my housekeeping skills, though I still have a long way to go, I've gotten much better at keeping the kitchen clean, the clutter picked up (at least in the main living area) and the mail sorted. 
• Tons and tons of yard work.
• Other misc. home improvements from decorating, installing storage, organizing rooms, buying new office furniture, etc. 
• Traveled to P-Town for a rainy getaway and made the best of it.
• Maintained my weight despite those two IVF and two injectable IUI cycles. Imagine how much I could have lost with my efforts if not for all the hormones!
• Won an award at the Fashion Show! A goal I've been working toward for seven years!
• Started traveling regularly for work. (an accomplishment even though I find the timing slightly annoying!)
• Started sharing my infertility struggles with a few key friends. 
• Attended a reunion with some college girlfriends. 
• Created a winter wonderland in my home and embraced the Christmas Spirit as best as I could given the wacky circumstances. 
• Had my first phone call with a dear blog friend. 
• Written 212 blog posts, which amounts to a little bit more than every other day. 

A lot of this year was about trying to create that elusive baby bump. It all consuming at times, and really, really hard. If not for that experience, I think that my list might have been longer. But it's still an impressive list if I do say so myself. And next year, if the first thing on that list is "had a baby" then it will all be worth it. 

Decompressing

Hubby and I made it back to Boston yesterday after what was really mostly a lovely Christmas. I focused my attentions on Lady C and just tried to block out everything else that was going on around me. She really is tons of fun. I'm lucky enough to get two more visits this week, as Little Bro and family are now in Boston as well, visiting SIL's dad. We're invited there tonight for a cocktail party, and they will be stopping by our house for a visit tomorrow afternoon. I do need to prepare myself for potential baby talk at the cocktail party tonight. I think I can handle it.

What I couldn't handle was the prodding of my mom that I mentioned in my last post. The next morning, she was doing it again. She and I were alone in the living room, and she said, with much sadness in her voice..."I'm worried about your brother." OK, I guess I have to respond, so I say "Why?" She again brought up the fact that they are having trouble finding an OB in the UK. I guess it's mostly midwives over there? I'm not sure why this is an issue since I'm pretty sure Lady C was delivered by a midwife. But whatever. They are also having nanny troubles. They moved to the country this fall. There nanny stayed on at first, but the commuting is getting to be too much and she is leaving soon. They struggled to find a new nanny. The replacement is a professional nanny and will not to all the housekeeping that their current nanny has taken on. Oh, and my brother is bored at his job and maybe ready to move on, but his job is too lucrative to consider leaving at the moment, especially when they are the ones who moved him to England, and there is a baby coming in 6 months.

I didn't really engage this conversation with my mom. I mostly nodded, uh-huhed, and stared at my computer screen where I was working on a playlist for our New Year's Eve party. The one thing I did say was "Yup, life is hard for everyone."

I mean seriously, he's the one who chose to move to the UK. He's the one who chose to have a second child while he was there. And yes, I'm pissed at him for deciding to live so far away with his family, so I can hardly find it in me to feel sorry for him that those choices are now causing stress in his life.

And, excuse me...your nanny situation is stressing you out? You can fucking afford to pay for a nanny in the first place. Not going to get my pity there either. It is true that they need some type of childcare, even if they could afford for SIL not to work, because she has a book deal, and the book needs to get finished on a deadline. Well then, look at day care like the rest of us. I don't know what to tell you.

As for the job, really? He's in finance making a ton of money I am sure. Suffer through a boring job for a few years. What's the big deal? I've been far less than inspired at many jobs that have not been paying me enough to afford luxuries like buying a new kindle 4 times in 1 year because I'm careless enough to keep breaking it!

Whew! I don't think I knew I had quite so much pent up sibling rivalry in there.

The truth is, Little Bro and I are close, and I know that I'm lucky that we are. We would do anything to help each other. He's even hinted to my mom that he could help me out financially to create our family should we need that. He really is a good brother. But, I guess that I'm jealous of certain things that have gone easily in his life. This is apparently one of the things that is stressing him out...that everyone thinks his life is easy, when he feels that it is not. But when I compare certain things, like the fact that he met SIL when they were 14 (they did have a 5 year break-up in their 20s) which allowed him to get married early enough to start ttc before time and age were against them. I don't know, I guess I'm harboring a lot of jealousy.

Another thing that got to me a bit over the holiday, is that our traditions are changing, and because I don't have a child, I am a long for the ride. I don't get input into what my holiday is going to be, unless I refuse to travel, and decide to stay home, and therefore miss out on the one or two times a year I get to see my niece. For the past three years, we have not seen my dad. We used to to Christmas Eve there. And as resentful as I was of the guest list in attendance on that evening, I do love a good party, with an abundance of appetizers, cookies, music. Now, we do both Christmas Eve and Christmas Day with my mom, and they don't really feel very different from each other. Little Bro has demanded that my mom not put out fun snacks and appetizers, not only because he's trying to be healthier, but apparently because he doesn't want Lady C being exposed to food all throughout the day. It's amazing, but this little element really makes a difference in creating a festive and special setting. I could take it upon myself to make a few things and just put them out because I want them, but Little Bro has also taken over the cooking for both nights, and there is literally no room in the kitchen or oven for anything else to be happening. His meals are awesome, and we really enjoy them, but there's not much opportunity for me to participate in the day. So, I make my cookies a week in advance at home, and set them out on the counter, and that's about it.

So, yeah, Christmas felt a little weird this year. It didn't really feel like my Christmas. It felt like I was a guest at someone else's holiday. I never thought I would feel this way, but I am beginning to understand a bit why people get so territorial about staying at home/hosting the holiday. I guess this weird feeling about Christmas mixed with other sibling rivalry issues has led to a bit of pent up angst.

Which is why I need to decompress!

Well, now I've got a few days to get my house ready for my holiday celebration on New Year's Eve. I've got a lot of cleaning to do. I suppose I should get started!

Surviving Christmas

Well, it's December 26th. Hubby and I are still at my mom's, planning to head home on Wednesday, which is when Little Bro, SIL, and Lady C head to the Boston area as well to visit SIL's dad. We've had a lovely time so far, although, today, things started to get a bit tougher.

I was stressed out on Saturday when I learned that Little Bro was arriving at my mom's at the same time as us. And sure enough, they pulled in the driveway 10 minutes after we arrived. But, throughout all of Christmas Eve, there was no announcement. No mention of the new baby at all. I was puzzled when SIL said yes to a small splash of wine in her glass when offered. I did take note that she didn't actually drink any of it.

Christmas was a lot of fun. There were tons of presents for Lady C. I think she actually got a little over stimulated. But, we all had a blast. It was a very relaxing day playing with her, lazing on the couch, reading new books, waiting for the fabulous meal that Little Bro always makes for us.

Still no mention of the news.

Hubby learned yesterday that my mom did in fact know about the new baby. The two of them had some time alone down in the basement family room and she asked him how I was doing. I am not sure how/when she found out. But, I am not complaining in the least little bit that I didn't have to be there for it. We all found out about Lady C at the same time over Thanksgiving two years ago.

It was today when things started to get a little tougher.

There have been little mentions here and there of stuff that's going on, like SIL demanding more meat for dinner, and needing to ask for an extension on her book deal. It's no big deal really. It's the fact that my mother has now started to bait the conversation in front of me to try to make it come up.

What the hell?!

She stayed home this afternoon to watch Lady C, while the four of us went to the movies. (The new Sherlock Holmes. I LOVE me some Robert Downey Jr.) After the movie, Hubby and I headed home while SIL and Little Bro stopped at the store. Hubby and I headed down to the basement playroom to check in on Mom and Lady C. I took over playing with Lady C on one side of the room, while Mom and Hubby chatted a bit. I heard my mom mentioning that my brother has been stressed about certain things, and that they've had some trouble finding an OB in the UK. (Lady C was born in Brooklyn, before they moved overseas.)

Seriously, what the heck does she think Hubby is supposed to say about that. It's a completely useless conversation to have. She's usually a little more sensitive than this. I kept trying to get Hubby to join Lady C and me and build us a bridge from duplos.

But, she came over to where we were first. She sat down and said "So how are you doing with the news?" I said, quite firmly "I don't want to talk about it." I mean really, come on mom, do you want me to fall apart while I am sitting on the floor playing legos with my niece? Does this really seem like the appropriate time to have this conversation?

She then said "Well, your brother is really sad that he can't talk to you about his news, that he can't be excited or talk about his fears."

Tough luck. I'm sorry it sucks to have an infertile sister. It sucks to be infertile. What can I tell you. They all seem to have made a choice to not talk about it in front of me to the extent that they can avoid it, and I am going to put myself first and not give in and make it ok for them.

Am I happy that their exciting news has to be dampened by my situation? Of course not. Like I said, infertility sucks. It sucks for me, and now it sucks for everyone around me. But, that's the deal I've been dealt, and I have to cope with it as best as I can.

So, I told my mother, "well, he can wait a few weeks and then I can talk to him about it."  I almost wanted to go up to my suitcase and grab the pile of needles and sharps container and throw them at her, and say, this is my freaking reality right now. I got up on Christmas morning and injected myself before I got to play with my niece. Pardon me if I'm not quite up to listening to my brother talk about his fears about having his second child right now.

I may never be. And I'm ok with that. When the baby comes, I will be excited to meet and see the baby, but right now, I have to do everything in my power to keep myself calm and in a good state of mind for the cycle that officially kicked off yesterday. That's all I can do. It's my Christmas gift to myself.

Later on this evening, we all started to gather in the living room while SIL was putting Lady C down for the night. My mom started asking my brother when she could come visit this summer. I know that her underlying question was when am I helpful/not in the way for the new baby. I know she was trying to make that conversation happen in front of me. I'm a bit disturbed by this right now. Little Bro just brushed it off and said she could come whenever she wanted.

So, now, I've been sitting on the couch with everyone blogging this out right in front of all of them. I'm a bit outraged at my mom right now. I really am. I refuse to give in a be the bigger person and say it's ok, I'll talk about it. I absolutely refuse. I am putting me first.

This afternoon, before the movie, Hubby and I went out and did a little shopping. Remember those snowflake plates from Target? They were 50% today! I bought 12 appetizer size, and 6 larger (salad) plates in perfect time for the New Year's Eve party that Hubby and I are hosting. And, I bought myself a new cocktail dress to wear at the party, because I was to feel pretty and feminine before I have to feel fat and bloated in a few weeks.

Anyway, that was a bit of a jumble, but this is hot off the presses, coming to you live, emotional reaction, and I had to get it out so that I don't need to escape back to Boston a day early.

Bracing Myself

Ok ladies, send me some strength. I just found out that instead of arriving at my moms last night, little bro missed his connecting flight and is driving to my mom's as we speak. As am I. Unfortunately, this means that they didn't get the chance to tell my mom the pregnancy news before I got there and now I will have to suffer through it or find a way to sneak off to the basement to play with Lady C. I was so set to be able to ignore this news. I am less than pleased right now. But, I have three hours in the car now to deep breathe and prepare myself.

Now that I got that off my chest, here's some pictures of our trip to Saugus to see some holiday lights!





I loved the purple deer. Big surprise.




































All but the first two shots are the same house! It's like something on tv. They even had Santa there last night to talk to the kids.

All right, I wish you all a very merry Christmas. I hope that no matter where you are in your journey, that you are able to find at least a wee but of magic this weekend! And may 2012 be incredible for all of us. It better be, right? The world is going to end next year after all. Might as well go out in style!

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Obligatory Meds Shot

This is my third time doing IVF. I can hardly believe that I am a well versed veteran of this experience by now, but I have never posted the obligatory meds shot. All the new stuff is on the bed. In the bin behind, you can see the remnants of the first two failed cycles. (We must save all extra needles and syringes in case the are useful in the zombie apocalypse, I kid you not). I am about to organize everything so it's easy to find all of our supplies when we need them in a few weeks. It feels like it's not nearly as much stuff as I know some of you have received. I think this is probably because I stim only with Gonal F, no Menopur. I won't complain about fewer injections for sure! What's new this time though, is the bag of 30 1 1/2" syringes we will need for the PIO. Ouch. (I still need tips and tricks on that please!) Oh, and three vials of PIO clearly take up a lot less room than 2 boxes of Crinone. (You'll see I still have some left over because I have yet to need that second box!)

For those of you who are unfamiliar, here's a break down of what was in my most recent delivery:

1. 1 Sharps Container (we have so many of these, it's comical, I think we've finally filled one last cycle)
2. 1 Leuprolide Dil 50 (we are doing a very-low dose suppression with diluted Lupron this time, hopefully starting on Christmas if b/w tomorrow morning shows ovulation). 
3. 30 Insulin Syringe (for the Lupron)
4. 1 Novarel (HCG trigger shot)
5. 2 22 Gauge Syringe for mixing and injecting the Novarel intramuscularly
6. 2 22 Gauge 1 1/2" Needles, see above
7. 4 Methylprednisolon (Medrol, a steroid given after retrieval)
8. 120 Estradiol (Estrogen pills, many taken many times a day from retrieval to beta)
9. 8 Doxycycline (antibiotic taken between retrieval and transfer)
10. 3 Progesterone Inj (PIO sometime after retrieval for many weeks after a successful beta)
11. 30 22 Gauge 1 1/2" Needles (for PIO)
12. 30 22 Gauge Syringe (for PIO)
13. 3 Gonal F pen 900 (stims started approx ten days after lurpon, I have extra left over in the fridge from last time should I need more, but the dose this time is only 225 once a day, so hopefully, this will do it). 
14. Alcohol Wipes

And there you have it folks, a little behind the scenes into what makes up a fresh IVF cycle.

This post isn't very merry, but it is my reality. I'm really hoping that I get the go ahead tomorrow. I certainly feel ovulatory. Yesterday, walking at lunch, I felt like I had been on stims for a week! Not fair. But, since this isn't very merry, I am hoping to be back later tonight or tomorrow to share some crazy holiday lights we are planning to check out tonight.

Merry Madness

Despite my mood of late, there was one topic I was really looking forward to sharing this holiday...Christmas Music! I was reminded of this topic as I drove home last nigh, and listened to my iPod, as opposed to the Christmas radio stations, who have become repetitive by now. I realized that I haven’t listened nearly enough to my own favorites this year, and I’d better pick up the pace. As I heard the wind begin to blow with the eerie chimes of what sounds like a child’s piano, my favorite song (see below) instantly relaxed me, and brought about a calm I’ve been lacking this season. 

The first year Hubby and I were together, we discovered our mutual love for the music of the season. That first year, we hosted a party we called Marry Madness, which went on to become a tradition we kept up for tree years. The idea was this, we asked all the guests to submit to us a ranked list of their own personal “definitive” Christmas songs. Definitive described as, now that I’ve heard this song, it really feels like Christmas. Based upon my reaction tonight to Silent Night by Manheim Steamroller, my original list from 2006 still holds true. Here it is...what do you think?

1	Silent Night	Manheim Steamroller
2	Christmas Eve (Sarajevo 12/24)	Trans-Siberian Orchestra
3	Sleigh Ride	Leroy Anderson
4	Winter Wonderland	Harry Connick Jr.
5	Hannukah Song	Adam Sandler
6	God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen	Barenaked Ladies
7	Carol of the Bells	Morman Tabernacle Choir
8	Christmas (Baby Please Come Home)	U2
9	Sleigh Ride	The Ronnettes
10	Do You Hear What I Hear	Perry Como
11	Let it Snow	Frank Sinatra
12	The Little Drummer Boy	Harry Simeone Chorale
13	Christmas Wrapping	The Waitresses
14	Rockin’ Around the Christmas Tree	Brenda Lee
15	Santa Baby	Madonna
16	Skating	Vince Guaraldi Trio
17	Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas	Judy Garland
18	Feliz Navidad	Jose Felciano
19	Hark! The Herald Angels Sing	Vince Guaraldi Trio
20	Blue Christmas	Elvis Presley
21	All I Want for Christmas is You	Mariah Carey
22	The Nutcracker Suite	The Brian Setzer Orchestra
23	The Grinch	Movie Theme
24	O Holy Night	Tevin Campbell

After we had all the lists, as short or as long as each guest desired, Hubby compiled them all into a spreadsheet and used his patented algorithm to rank the songs and break them into brackets before all the guests arrived. 

The night of the party, we played about 30 seconds of each song (64 in total, March Madness style) in each match up and who ever was in the room at the time voted. So you have to be careful going to the bathroom during your favorite! The winning song would advance to the next round. It was so fun to sit around with loved ones (Those darn little brothers were both present at that first party! They each have a bigger love of music in general than Hubby and me) and sing and bop along to the merry music. 

The winner that night, although surprising, was quite clear, based on the reaction bopping of heads that quickly spread around the room each time it was played. 

Feliz Navidad by Jose Feliciano. 

Everytime I hear it, I am reminded of that night. It beat The Little Drummer Boy (Little bros fav) in the final, which beat The Christmas Song by Nat King Cole in the Frosty Four. 

The next year, we did it again with a different group. The winner was O Tannenbaum by Vince Guaraldi (Charlie Brown) which beat out The Christmas Song, which made it to the finals that time. 

The winner the third year was It’s The Most Wonderful Time of the Year by Andy Williams. I can't remember how the rest broke down. 

The fourth year, we switched it up and hosted a New Year’s Eve party to ring in the new decade, and celebrate with an 80s music bracket instead. Winner, in case you're curious, was Don’t You Forget About Me from the Breakfast Club. But really, the 80s are another topic for another day!

So my friends, what are your definitive Christmas songs, the ones that once heard really make you say, OK, now it’s Christmas?

PS - I have a typography disease. I just spent a few minutes replacing all the foot (') the inch marks ("") that are the default for quotes (“ ”) and apostrophes (’). It's been a while since I've been obsessed enough to tweak copy in this manner, but the key command for the special character came right back to me. Something about seeing the word it’s in bold might be what set me off. I know, it’s a small detail, but it matters people, it matters! There really is a difference! I know at least a few of you out there will understand. 

Sinking In

Now that I've had a few days to process the news about by two nieces/nephews that are on the way, I wanted to spit out some of the random thoughts that have been going though my head since I first got the news on Sunday. But first, this just in, a pregnancy announcement that I have actually been wishing and waiting for...

M from A Miracle 4 Us just got an incredible beta result! Stop on over and congratulate her. I can honestly say at this moment, I am thrilled. I have chills, and tears...the happy kind. For real. (Maybe because I know my next shot to join her is coming up soon...? I know I don't always feel this way for other bloggers right away - eventually of course, you know how it is - but today I do, I really do!) She is the sweetest, kindest, craftiest blogger, and has been such a support for me in my journey. She's worked hard and waited long for this moment. Congratulations M! Enjoy your Christmas miracle.

OK, so where am I with my little brother(s) baby madness?

So many thoughts. This might be a jumble! First of all, I need to give credit to my SIL, R. She really handled this situation as best as anyone could. She is aware of my situation. In fact, I have confided to her almost more than anyone, which seems weird to me. But, she was a scientist, and she seems genuinely interested in all the nitty gritty of the IVF process, and the different protocols, etc. So it's been easy to tell her about it somehow. She sent me an email, saying she still needs one more scan to be sure (she has had one loss, I'm not sure at what point, but she knows enough to be cautious), but she wanted to give me time with the news before I see her this weekend for Christmas. She fully expected me to be frustrated and told me I could yell at her if I wanted to. They will be arriving at my mom's on Friday night, and plan to tell her then, but she said if I needed to talk to my mom about my own feelings about it, it was ok if I broke the news. I didn't. But I am relieved that Hubby and I won't get there until Saturday afternoon, so my mom can have time to be excited with them without worrying about how I will feel about it.

I wrote her back after only a few hours. I didn't want her anxiously waiting for too long, knowing emails like that are always hard to send. I told her congrats, and that I would be excited for her eventually, but that I needed to be sad for myself first. I also told her that I would likely need to avoid the topic over the holidays, and hoped that she wouldn't be insulted by that. I told her that I hated the fact that my situation makes it necessary for her to be anything less than ecstatic about this news. Because isn't that the truth? Babies are miracles, and we should all feel free to feel joy whenever we learn of their creation. It's not fair that IF steals that joy from so many. She replied that there was no reason for me to have to talk about it when I see her next week, even when it does come up.

Now, as for how I feel about it? Well, I am excited to have another niece or nephew on the way. I am royally pissed off that my brother was selfish and moved his family to England because I realistically only get to see them twice a year. We cannot afford to visit them every year and do all the other things we want to do (like go on a tropical beach vacation and hire a house cleaner, yeah, yeah, look who's selfish now!) But seriously, if he gets to have all the damn babies in the family, then I should at least be able to see them whenever I want without having to spend $700 on airfare, right?!

In all honesty, I may have mentioned that I was preparing for this to become a reality. It makes me just a bit more frustrated to know that this new little one must have been conceived literally as I was find out that I was having yet another chemical. I would have been due on 6/16, the day before Lady C's second birthday. Instead, she will be getting a new sibling two weeks later. It's so unfair.

But, if I look on the bright side, maybe the third time really will be the charm, and I will only be three months behind. Wouldn't it be fun to have cousins be so close in age? And then, I think...silly infertile. You know too much. You know how infrequently life actually works out that way. Why on earth would you allow yourself such a hopeful thought, especially before you have even gotten the clear to start meds for this next cycle. You know anything can and will go wrong to cause a delay, or another failed cycle.

Is it horrible if I don't say congratulations to my brother when I see him in person? I'm not sure my emotions can handle that one. I'd rather just give him his box of cookies and a hug, and not have to speak. I want to just focus on playing with my niece, who I am so excited to see. She's at a really fun age right now and I want to enjoy that.

And then there is the situation with Hubby's brother. It's really somewhat of a mess right now. As pissed of, and angry as I am for my own situation, I do really feel for them, as I know this is not at all what they had planned. Of course, I had to say to Hubby..."we can adopt the baby." K is Chinese. People will think we adopted from China...except for that the baby looks just a bit like her dad...strange?! Sure enough, he'd already brought it up as an option. And, well, it's not. not that I really thought that it was. I cannot believe this is happening. It is such a bizarre concept that my head feels like it is going to explode every time I attempt to wrap my mind around it. K seems so young. She's 29. I know some of you are younger, but trust me, she's a young 29. She's in to fashion, and jet setting around the country. I mean, she goes to Hawaii...for the weekend...from New England. She just hardly seems like a woman who's ready to be a mom. It seems so unfair yet again. And BIL has been so focused on his career. He's a really private guy. We haven't met any women in his life for three years. And now, just as he's introducing us to K, this happens. By the way, I think I've mentioned in the past, nearly everyone in Hubby's family with the exception of Hubby and BIL are born in June. It's just so damn fitting that this baby is coming then as well. But, yes, we all are aware, mine is not.

I'm mad at K for being fertile. I'm mad at BIL for taking the first grand child opportunity away from his brother with an accident. I'm mad at K for being vague about what she plans to do and for causing pain and stress for BIL who isn't really able to understand yet how his child is going to fit into his life long term. I'm mad at both of them for not just offering me the baby. (I recognize that these are somewhat irrational thoughts, but thoughts they are all the same). I'm a little bit disturbed by the fact that Hubby waited two weeks to share this news with me. I'm annoyed my Hubby and his mom for being just a little bit psychic and for having the nerve to vocalize statements like "it might take us awhile to have a baby," "it's a real possibility that your brother will have a second before we manage to have one," and MIL's frequent joke of "I'm so glad neither of my boys have ever left me a grandchild out in the world somewhere..." I have told hubby to no longer verbalize these concerns because I am sick of them coming true.

K was on the pill. I can't help but think that all the travelling she does around the country might have led to her taking the pill at not exactly the right time of day, which caused the failure. I am perhaps just a little bit jealous that she comes from enough money to allow her to do things like fly to Hawaii for the weekend. Maybe just a wee bit. So, it's easy to blame what I am jealous for as the reason she's in this mess to begin with.

We celebrate Christmas with Hubby's family on the Sunday after Christmas. It's called Second Christmas. This year, to avoid New Year's Day, it's on the 8th. We are patiently awaiting BIL & K to figure out what they are going to do so we know if they plan to share the news with the family at this event. Meanwhile, there is another cousin who got married 3 months after us. I think she is 32, and rumored to have been trying since this spring. We don't know what her status is. I was preparing to hear news from her. Not BIL. She may be having trouble as well. it's likely, that due to potential family scandal, BIL will not make a public family announcement. If he plans to, Hubby and I have already discussed skipping the event. It would be sad, because his grandparents are in their mid-80s and we probably only have a few years left with them. But, I honestly couldn't take it. I can't take the excitement and fawning over someone else when it should have been me. And by that point, I will likely be stimming again already. Emotions will be heightened for sure.

Where does that leave us? Really glad that SIL will not have a baby bump and has given me permission to ignore her pregnancy, and waiting for an answer from BIL so I can plan my emotional breakdowns in between my next IVF cycle I guess.

Oh yeah, and I'm bound and determined to have twins because it's the only way I can ever show up these two brilliant-multiple-master-degree-holding-with-skinny-beautiful-significant-others-producing-the-first-grand children-on-either-side-little brothers.

It's a sick need. I'll admit it.

Thank you

Thank you all for sharing in my outrage at the great little brother pregnancy announcement fiasco of 2011. The comments that have rolled in over the last few days have literally saved me. I mean that, truly. I've had a few days to sit with the news and have more thoughts I want to get out. But, I'm iPhoning it at the Buffalo airport in my way back to Boston. And it's just far too complicated. The rest of the week looks to be slow work wise, so I anticipate having time to catch up in the next few days.

In the meantime, here are a few pictures of the cookies I made in Saturday. It's not Christmas without sugar cookies, which I mostly make for my damn perfect-soon-to-be-father-of-two little brother because he lives them so much. Yes, I am a good sister. (although next year I think it may be one batch, not too, it was a lot of cookies! And yes, I just may have frosted them to match my holiday decor.)

















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Oh Holy Fuck

I had planned a nice post about cookies or wrapping or music. Instead I present to you the face of a woman who has just been told by her sil that sil is expecting Lady C's sibling in June.





I was supposed to get to make the happy baby announcement this Christmas. I would have been due in June if the last cycle had worked. I knew this was coming. I just hope it would take a little longer.

After I bawled my eyes out for ten minutes on hubby's shoulder and began to catch my breath, he whispered "sweetie, I have to tell you something else..."

Oh good god?! What?

"K is due in June too."

It took me a second to absorb that he was talking about his 39 year old brother's 29 year old girlfriend of nine fucking months.

Excuse me? What?

It was an accident. They don't know what they are doing yet. It's a family secret, but if she's due in June, we all know they've got about a month or so left before they can't hide it anymore.

Holy fuck. Both of our little brothers are expecting in fucking June.

Was it really too much to ask for one Christmas that didn't have to be over shadowed by a pregnancy or baby's first? I've been working so hard at my holiday spirit. Sooooo hard. And it's just been ripped out, crushed and stomped on. Jokes on you, you dillusional infertile.

I've got more to vent, but out Internet is down, and iPhone blogging is a pain. Plus, I need to go fix my eye makeup because Hubby and I are meeting friends for a matinee of the Slutcracker - a burlesque version of the nutcracker, because that's what dinks do on their Sunday afternoons at Christmas.

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Happy birthday!

Happy birthday to the best hubby a girl could ask for.





Love you babe!


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Ornaments

Every year when I decorate my tree, I am reminded of so many loved ones, and some really great memories. I've made so many ornaments over the years. I also like to buy them when I travel so I can remember my vacations when I put them on the tree. And of course, I have two collections that are all time favorites. 

I have been a fan of the sport of figure skating for years. (Though I'm really not much of a skater at all!). It's something that was passed on from my grandmother to my mom to me.When I was young, and there was a competition on TV, my Gram would call and tell me to let my mom know that we needed to turn the channel to ABC. I don't follow as closely these days, except in Olympic years. But in the early 90s, I could spell just about any Russian figure skater's name you would ever want to know. 

This love of skating is represented on my tree. Every year, my aunt (mom's sister) buys me another skate ornament. I've got quite a collection by now! Someday, maybe I'll have a tree that's just skates. 

Another collection that I love, that is not still growing is my collection of Hallmark Scarletts. Gone With the Wind is an all time favorite movie and book, so I love this element on my tree as well. My cousin (daughter of skate ornament aunt) and I read the book around the same time when we were young, so it's yet another element on my tree that reminds me of my family, and makes me feel like they are a part of my celebration, even if I don't see them very often. 

I still might try so share some of the ornaments that I have made over the years, but I need to get some better pictures first. 

What's on your tree?

Would you like a little cheese with my whine?

Cause yes, still in a whiny mood. Still feeling crappy. Still too much to do at work. I had to go back up to my desk from the work Christmas party to keep plugging away, and to get some time in with my coworker, who is out of the office most of the week. Even still, even though I left the party, and stayed late to talk with her, it's still rushed, and frantic. She had to run back to her desk to do more work on another project because she's out of town ahain for the next two days! This entire project is rushed and frantic. Most of my team is in and out of the office all of the time. We're all there together maybe one day a week. And this project is far too complicated for the size of our team and the amount of attention being paid to it. And I am far too inexperienced to carry it on my own.

So, I finally left work, desperate to get home to rest my eyes and take more cold medicine. I called Hubby on my ride home. He was in a noisy Italian restaurant picking up dinner because he's working late. He could barely talk to me because of the chaos. It was another rushed and frantic conversation.

I'm really getting sick of that. I would love to have a conversation where I can actually get answers to all of my questions before someone has to run off while saying, I'm sorry, we'll have to talk about it later! I'm sick of waiting until later! Do you hear me people?!

OK, I feel better now. What kind of cheese would you like?

Now a random question for you ladies out there...I may have mentioned this before, but I keep getting this lower back pain, on the right side only, a about a week into my cycle, which lasts through ovulation. This is the third month I have noticed this. It feels different than my ovaries, or at least how they feel when stimulated with meds. These last three cycles have been natural after our last IVF. I can only think that maybe it's something with my kidney? I know in Chinese medicine, the kidneys are very tied to the reproductive system, so it seems possible. It just seems strange that it does seem to be related to my cycle. I guess that's why I haven't been too worried about it. Because the ache does eventually go away. But then it comes back. I don't know if I should be worried, or not? Part of me feels like I should call and leave a message for the nurse to ask if I should be concerned, and part of me feels like I won't be able to find the time to deal with it until after Christmas, at which point I will probably feel normal again, for a few weeks anyway, until it's time for stims. But, I do have to go for blood on xmas eve anyway, so maybe they would just check some extra stuff. I don't know. Just curious, weird kidney area-ish lower back pains that coincide with cycle changes, anyone? Anyone?

Battery at 10%. Time for bed!

Catching My Breath (200th Post)

Well, my 200th post completely snuck up on me. I wish I had something more profound and enlightening to share with you all. The truth is, I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed these days. I have definitely been enjoying all of my little Christmas rituals. But it is hard not to feel a little bit lonely at times. Hubby is still crazy busy at work though this Thursday, and then finally some relief—but then I'm off to Buffalo for a few days next week. So, I've mostly been on my own with the cards, and the cookies. (Although we did get in an extremely successful trip to the mall together on Saturday night)

You all know what it's like. Christmas is about family. And we're just a family of two. I long for the day when my cookies won't be perfect because Violetta will be helping me to slather on the icing. I long to be stashing her gifts in the eaves of the attic, sneaking them out after she goes to bed to wrap and stack them under our beautiful tree. Or, taking her to the store to pick out a special gift for her dad.

I am enjoying the magic, really, I am, but I have to take the time to let myself feel the void that exists as well. I put so much time and effort into creating a beautiful Christmas in my home, and then I feel like I have no one to share it with. We usually travel for Christmas to see my mom so she never actually sees my house. I think this is the reason why I always insist on having a party in December...so that I can share all of my hard work with someone. The thing is, the party planning often stresses me out so much that I don't end up enjoying the actual party all that much, although everyone else seems to.

This year, we had decided to do New Year's Eve in stead of mid-December because of our work schedules. We were trying to finalize the party details last night, and were both feeling tired and worn out, and not really that in to the idea of a party, but we'd already sent out a save the date. And then I started to get upset that if we didn't do it, no body else would see my kick ass decorating. Is this an insane reason to need to have a party? So, um, yeah, we're having a party. And you ladies need to talk me down on the 30th when I am freaking out about needing to make one more appetizer, ok?

And I just don't feel well. I've had a sinus headache since Friday (well, I've really had one on and off all fall to be honest) that is now starting to move into my chest with a bit of a cough and a scratchy throat. I just have too much to do at work to not be on the top of my game right now. I had to tell my coworker that I wouldn't come in a hour earlier than normal to meet with her because I really need to get a good night's sleep. So, I'm going to meet with her tomorrow night at 6, while our office party is blazing down stairs. I don't mind so much. I don't really love the office party.

So, with the regular holiday stress on top of a cold, it's no wonder I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed right now. And, I have to say it. There has been an amazing baby boom in blog land this past week, and I'm am thrilled for all the new moms out there. But again, I can't help but feel the void that exists in my family. It is impossible not to be jealous when so many are getting the happy ending that I so desperately want. I do firmly believe it is possible to be ecstatically excited for and insanely jealous of these new moms all at the same time.

Lastly. there was one more bit of news that brought tears to my eyes today. My best friend is mom to a spunky three-year old whom she adopted 2.5 years ago from Korea. Before I knew about this world, I knew that she wrote a blog about her experience, and had made a lot of great friends with similar stories. Her situation is a bit different because she never actually tried to get pregnant, based on earlier health struggles in her life. She went straight to adoption. But, she still understands the world in which we iffers live.

Today, she emailed to ask if I would again write her a reference letter as she begins her journey to adopt a second child. She said she was nervous to ask me, knowing what I've been going through. She didn't want to upset me. I wrote her back and told her that of course I would write the letter (though I so hope that I never have to ask her to return the favor), but that I did in fact have tears in my eyes. Again, it's two-sided tears. Tears of joy and excitement for her family that they will continue to grow, and tears of fear and sadness for myself that I will never experience the joy I see that she gets from her son.

Anyway, I'm not really sure where I'm going with all of this. I guess, it's just what I said. I'm taking a few minutes to catch my breath and process some emotions that have been stirring over the past few days. Hopefully, with a good night's sleep, and maybe some cold medicine, which I do not have a reason to deprive myself of, I will be feeling a bit better, and can get back to gathering some more magical moments to share.

Glitter Twinkle Sparkle Glow

This is the card I designed to send out this year. Back when I had a lot more time on my hands, I made my cards every year. But in recent years, I've tended to go out of December 26th and buy cards for the following year half-off. Well, last year, I didn't do that, so I had the opportunity to make something again. Except, that this year, I let Zazzle do most of the work for me. 

I designed the card specifically to go with my goals for the holiday season, that it be filled with light. I even created a custom stamp to go along with it. 

It was funny, thinking about printing cards which I don't even have to physically sign led me to question the entire concept of holiday cards in general. First, I thought, even though I don't have a picture of a cute child to put on my card, doesn't mean I can design and get something printed like the rest of the world out there. But then, does it take away something if nothing is hand written on the card? I mean, hardly anyone writes anything by hand these days. Addresses are printed on labels. Some people even use online services to send the cards out for them, so they don't even touch the cards, let alone lick the envelopes to seal them.

So why is that we send out the cards? Is it an obligation?

(all of this questioning has made me think about what Christmas means to me, and how I will share that with Violetta when she finally shows up...but that is a subject for another post)

I concluded that because I designed the card, it has special meaning, even if I don't sign it. As do cards with pictures of cute kids with parents who don't sign the cards either. I send cards because it's an opportunity to remind my family and friends—who I don't see often enough—that I do think of them, and wish them well, regardless of time or miles. And, I also enjoy having an excuse for a design project. Although, next year, I may hunt around more for less expensive printing options.

But, I wanted to support Zazzle, where I have a storefront, which I have been extremely delinquent in sharing with you. I just haven't had the time to transfer as many products from my old store (not very anonymous!) to the new one. Remember what I said about being too hard on myself? So, without further ado, I introduce to you...

Click image or here to visit the store. I'm hoping find time to add more stuff soon. I want to expand into customizable invitations and cards. Someday...

PS - If anyone is interested in visiting my old store that I'm phasing out, just send me an email and I will send you the link.

Christmas Vacation

One of my all time favorite Christmas movies. I love the way Clark tries so hard to make every little bit of Christmas go just so. I can relate for sure. I absolutely love the moment when he finally gets the lights to work. Now, there's some magic!






Another favorite is Santa Claus is Coming to Town, you know, the one with the Burgermeister Meisterburger? I love that one!

What's your favorite Christmas movie?


PS - I decided to start writing these as they came and I have the time, and then schedule them to appear every few days. So, the night after I first wrote this, guess what I found on ABC Family (best station for Christmas movies!)...Yup, Santa Claus is Coming to Town! My timing rocks right now!

Tell Me About Yourself

Whew, I've been so focused on my decorations and find Christmas magic, that I haven't really been thinking about my next cycle very much. (Mission accomplished?!) But, the ball is rolling finally. My pre-stimulation cycle started on Tuesday. A few days earlier than I expected (a 26 day cycle), which, wouldn't you know it, sets day 21, when I'm due for a progesterone check prior to starting lupron, on the Tuesday after Christmas, when I am still planning to be at my mom's hanging out with my niece, Lady C. (wow, that sentence had a lot of commas!) Thankfully, when I was in for my biopsy, I had discussed this possibility with the nurse. She said they could check as early as day 18 or as late as day 23, both of which work with my travel plans. However, it does mean that I am officially kicking off IVF 3.0 bright and early on Christmas Eve on my way out of town. I'm prepared to not get the all clear to start lupron though, because when left to my own devices, I tend to ovulate around day 18, so I might have to go back on day 23 (Dec 29) anyway. OK, that was a very long drawn out way to tell you that I am quite excited to finally be getting this party started again. Oh, and we did decide to go with PIO, so I will be seeking all the advice, tips and tricks you ladies have to offer me. 

And I think I need to start listening to Circle & Bloom again because I have been hyperventilating all day, mostly due to work deadlines I think. But, clearly, with the run on paragraph I just wrote, my body and mind are a buzzing, and I need to slooooooow down. 

OK, so on another note, I received another award from two lovely ladies. Creating a Rainbow, and Michele from Greetings from Nowhere, NM. Thanks ladies! Updated later...I also see that I got this from JJ at A Journey of Emotions. Thanks!

OK, here are the rules:

1. Thank the person who awarded you.
2. List 7 things people may not know about you.
3. Pass it on to 15 other bloggers and don't forget to notify them.
(Eek, I'll see what I can do!). 

All right, here goes...I'm feeling a bit uninteresting right now. 

1. When I lost my advertising agency job in my early twenties, I spent so much time making beaded jewelry, that I ended up selling it for awhile. I did a few craft fairs, and some custom orders, but it never turned into to anything real. I realized that my labor was way too expensive to make any profit. But, I was able to support my bead buying habit for awhile. Now, I have a hard time buying any accessories for myself, because I have a huge in full of beads I should use to make stuff with instead. 

2. Being an interior designer is not nearly as glamorous in real life as it is on TV. I've spent most of my time the past few days drowning in spreadsheets, trying to calculate square footages of offices, cubicles, copy rooms, conference rooms, etc. Sometimes I wish I had a less "creative" job, so all my creative energy didn't get used up at work, and I would have more of it to spend at home on stuff that really feels creative...like Christmas decorations. 

3. I have a tendency to be too hard on myself. Didn't I just have an amazingly creative, fun weekend decorating my house? I'm sitting here wishing I had more time to make some new ornaments or something...OK, I looked around my living room again and snapped myself out of it. 

4. I've been to England, Belgium, Holland, France, Spain and Italy (4 times, it's my favorite!) Belgium, Holland and France were on a high school trip. We did not get to enter a store in Paris, our schedule was so packed. Can you imagine? I would love to go to Geece, and maybe Ireland. But, for my next vacation, (can you say baby moon in lat Feb/early March maybe....optimism! I really want a tropical beach vacation, something in the Carribean. Suggestions welcome!

Do I really need three more things?

5. I followed Derek Jeter into a Starbucks on Boylston Street in Boston with my hyperventillaing friend who was a huge fan and asked for his autograph. I could care less about baseball. But, um, in person...sigh!

6. I was co-salutatorian of my high school. I graduated the year Cheers went off the air. I almost wrote my speech about it. I settled for a friendship theme instead. 

7. I would really love to be a stay at home mom, despite all of my education (and student loans!) But, I'm not sure we'd ever be able to afford it. But, I have no doubt that I'd love it. I'm sort of over having a career. Yup. I said it. I kinda loved being an unemployed freelance designer who worked at home in my pajammas and had tons of time to make Christmas ornaments for my tree. 

All right, now to pass this along. I apologize if any of you have received this already. Don't feel the need to tell us 14 things about yourself! (it might take me a few days to tell you all about this...)

1. Many Many Moons 

2. The Yokum Crew... 

3. Waiting & Wishing

4. Womb for Improvement

5. Rainbow Making 10

6. Infertile in the City

7. Ginger and Lime

8. A Miracle 4 Us

9. Trying Not to Scream

10. My Path to Insanity & Beyond

11. Viva la Vida!

12. Uncommon Nonsense

13. Do I have to be a DINK?

14. Miss Conception

15. Infertility Unexplained

Have fun ladies!

The Halls are Decked

As you already know, I had a fantastic time decorating the house this weekend. I spent the entire day Saturday trimming the tree, stringing lights, tweaking accessories, and singing along to Christmas songs streaming from Pandora. It was awesome, and defintely got me in the spirit. I had so much fun reminiscing as I placed each ornament on the tree. I think I'm going to give you a little tour of some of my favorites in another post. 

But enough already, I know you're all waiting for a tour of the finished house...

Here's the living room.

I bought this purple frame awhile ago thinking it was perfect for this room. But, I haven't yet found the time time fill it with an actual photo. So, as a place holder, I cut a piece of this wrapping paper I found, which is so perfect for our house, I can hardly stand it!

I also used the wrapping paper in the glass door to our cabinet. I've been experimenting with a way to make the glass translucent so we can have some hidden storage, but I haven't found something that I'm happy with yet. This is a great place holder which picks up the green from the coffee table and the teal from the walls. Last year, I bought the green picture frame below, and a can of green spray paint which I used on the mitten frame above, and the tree on the shelf below. I thought, why not try to repurpose some of our more traditionally colored accessories to match my color scheme. I happen to love when a Christmas color scheme complements the colors that are already happening in a room.

Here's the dining room.

I went a little snowflake crazy in here. All 6 pointed of course!

Every year, I love to fill a vase with bulbs. This year, I added some other items like the crystals and ribbons to bring in my green accent. 

One of the last things I did was to take more of my favorite wrapping paper (I need to get back to Target and buy another roll!) and create some place mats by laminating the paper between two layers of contact paper (on hand from the glass door experiment)

Don't they look look so fun with my new bowl and tray? (also from Target, they have a whole set of plates which I am restraining myself against...)

Just a little behind the scenes, here's how it all looked when it came out of the attic. I wonder how long it will take us to get it back into this state come January??