Surviving Christmas

Well, it's December 26th. Hubby and I are still at my mom's, planning to head home on Wednesday, which is when Little Bro, SIL, and Lady C head to the Boston area as well to visit SIL's dad. We've had a lovely time so far, although, today, things started to get a bit tougher.

I was stressed out on Saturday when I learned that Little Bro was arriving at my mom's at the same time as us. And sure enough, they pulled in the driveway 10 minutes after we arrived. But, throughout all of Christmas Eve, there was no announcement. No mention of the new baby at all. I was puzzled when SIL said yes to a small splash of wine in her glass when offered. I did take note that she didn't actually drink any of it.

Christmas was a lot of fun. There were tons of presents for Lady C. I think she actually got a little over stimulated. But, we all had a blast. It was a very relaxing day playing with her, lazing on the couch, reading new books, waiting for the fabulous meal that Little Bro always makes for us.

Still no mention of the news.

Hubby learned yesterday that my mom did in fact know about the new baby. The two of them had some time alone down in the basement family room and she asked him how I was doing. I am not sure how/when she found out. But, I am not complaining in the least little bit that I didn't have to be there for it. We all found out about Lady C at the same time over Thanksgiving two years ago.

It was today when things started to get a little tougher.

There have been little mentions here and there of stuff that's going on, like SIL demanding more meat for dinner, and needing to ask for an extension on her book deal. It's no big deal really. It's the fact that my mother has now started to bait the conversation in front of me to try to make it come up.

What the hell?!

She stayed home this afternoon to watch Lady C, while the four of us went to the movies. (The new Sherlock Holmes. I LOVE me some Robert Downey Jr.) After the movie, Hubby and I headed home while SIL and Little Bro stopped at the store. Hubby and I headed down to the basement playroom to check in on Mom and Lady C. I took over playing with Lady C on one side of the room, while Mom and Hubby chatted a bit. I heard my mom mentioning that my brother has been stressed about certain things, and that they've had some trouble finding an OB in the UK. (Lady C was born in Brooklyn, before they moved overseas.)

Seriously, what the heck does she think Hubby is supposed to say about that. It's a completely useless conversation to have. She's usually a little more sensitive than this. I kept trying to get Hubby to join Lady C and me and build us a bridge from duplos.

But, she came over to where we were first. She sat down and said "So how are you doing with the news?" I said, quite firmly "I don't want to talk about it." I mean really, come on mom, do you want me to fall apart while I am sitting on the floor playing legos with my niece? Does this really seem like the appropriate time to have this conversation?

She then said "Well, your brother is really sad that he can't talk to you about his news, that he can't be excited or talk about his fears."

Tough luck. I'm sorry it sucks to have an infertile sister. It sucks to be infertile. What can I tell you. They all seem to have made a choice to not talk about it in front of me to the extent that they can avoid it, and I am going to put myself first and not give in and make it ok for them.

Am I happy that their exciting news has to be dampened by my situation? Of course not. Like I said, infertility sucks. It sucks for me, and now it sucks for everyone around me. But, that's the deal I've been dealt, and I have to cope with it as best as I can.

So, I told my mother, "well, he can wait a few weeks and then I can talk to him about it."  I almost wanted to go up to my suitcase and grab the pile of needles and sharps container and throw them at her, and say, this is my freaking reality right now. I got up on Christmas morning and injected myself before I got to play with my niece. Pardon me if I'm not quite up to listening to my brother talk about his fears about having his second child right now.

I may never be. And I'm ok with that. When the baby comes, I will be excited to meet and see the baby, but right now, I have to do everything in my power to keep myself calm and in a good state of mind for the cycle that officially kicked off yesterday. That's all I can do. It's my Christmas gift to myself.

Later on this evening, we all started to gather in the living room while SIL was putting Lady C down for the night. My mom started asking my brother when she could come visit this summer. I know that her underlying question was when am I helpful/not in the way for the new baby. I know she was trying to make that conversation happen in front of me. I'm a bit disturbed by this right now. Little Bro just brushed it off and said she could come whenever she wanted.

So, now, I've been sitting on the couch with everyone blogging this out right in front of all of them. I'm a bit outraged at my mom right now. I really am. I refuse to give in a be the bigger person and say it's ok, I'll talk about it. I absolutely refuse. I am putting me first.

This afternoon, before the movie, Hubby and I went out and did a little shopping. Remember those snowflake plates from Target? They were 50% today! I bought 12 appetizer size, and 6 larger (salad) plates in perfect time for the New Year's Eve party that Hubby and I are hosting. And, I bought myself a new cocktail dress to wear at the party, because I was to feel pretty and feminine before I have to feel fat and bloated in a few weeks.

Anyway, that was a bit of a jumble, but this is hot off the presses, coming to you live, emotional reaction, and I had to get it out so that I don't need to escape back to Boston a day early.