Sinking In

Now that I've had a few days to process the news about by two nieces/nephews that are on the way, I wanted to spit out some of the random thoughts that have been going though my head since I first got the news on Sunday. But first, this just in, a pregnancy announcement that I have actually been wishing and waiting for...

M from A Miracle 4 Us just got an incredible beta result! Stop on over and congratulate her. I can honestly say at this moment, I am thrilled. I have chills, and tears...the happy kind. For real. (Maybe because I know my next shot to join her is coming up soon...? I know I don't always feel this way for other bloggers right away - eventually of course, you know how it is - but today I do, I really do!) She is the sweetest, kindest, craftiest blogger, and has been such a support for me in my journey. She's worked hard and waited long for this moment. Congratulations M! Enjoy your Christmas miracle.

OK, so where am I with my little brother(s) baby madness?

So many thoughts. This might be a jumble! First of all, I need to give credit to my SIL, R. She really handled this situation as best as anyone could. She is aware of my situation. In fact, I have confided to her almost more than anyone, which seems weird to me. But, she was a scientist, and she seems genuinely interested in all the nitty gritty of the IVF process, and the different protocols, etc. So it's been easy to tell her about it somehow. She sent me an email, saying she still needs one more scan to be sure (she has had one loss, I'm not sure at what point, but she knows enough to be cautious), but she wanted to give me time with the news before I see her this weekend for Christmas. She fully expected me to be frustrated and told me I could yell at her if I wanted to. They will be arriving at my mom's on Friday night, and plan to tell her then, but she said if I needed to talk to my mom about my own feelings about it, it was ok if I broke the news. I didn't. But I am relieved that Hubby and I won't get there until Saturday afternoon, so my mom can have time to be excited with them without worrying about how I will feel about it.

I wrote her back after only a few hours. I didn't want her anxiously waiting for too long, knowing emails like that are always hard to send. I told her congrats, and that I would be excited for her eventually, but that I needed to be sad for myself first. I also told her that I would likely need to avoid the topic over the holidays, and hoped that she wouldn't be insulted by that. I told her that I hated the fact that my situation makes it necessary for her to be anything less than ecstatic about this news. Because isn't that the truth? Babies are miracles, and we should all feel free to feel joy whenever we learn of their creation. It's not fair that IF steals that joy from so many. She replied that there was no reason for me to have to talk about it when I see her next week, even when it does come up.

Now, as for how I feel about it? Well, I am excited to have another niece or nephew on the way. I am royally pissed off that my brother was selfish and moved his family to England because I realistically only get to see them twice a year. We cannot afford to visit them every year and do all the other things we want to do (like go on a tropical beach vacation and hire a house cleaner, yeah, yeah, look who's selfish now!) But seriously, if he gets to have all the damn babies in the family, then I should at least be able to see them whenever I want without having to spend $700 on airfare, right?!

In all honesty, I may have mentioned that I was preparing for this to become a reality. It makes me just a bit more frustrated to know that this new little one must have been conceived literally as I was find out that I was having yet another chemical. I would have been due on 6/16, the day before Lady C's second birthday. Instead, she will be getting a new sibling two weeks later. It's so unfair.

But, if I look on the bright side, maybe the third time really will be the charm, and I will only be three months behind. Wouldn't it be fun to have cousins be so close in age? And then, I think...silly infertile. You know too much. You know how infrequently life actually works out that way. Why on earth would you allow yourself such a hopeful thought, especially before you have even gotten the clear to start meds for this next cycle. You know anything can and will go wrong to cause a delay, or another failed cycle.

Is it horrible if I don't say congratulations to my brother when I see him in person? I'm not sure my emotions can handle that one. I'd rather just give him his box of cookies and a hug, and not have to speak. I want to just focus on playing with my niece, who I am so excited to see. She's at a really fun age right now and I want to enjoy that.

And then there is the situation with Hubby's brother. It's really somewhat of a mess right now. As pissed of, and angry as I am for my own situation, I do really feel for them, as I know this is not at all what they had planned. Of course, I had to say to Hubby..."we can adopt the baby." K is Chinese. People will think we adopted from China...except for that the baby looks just a bit like her dad...strange?! Sure enough, he'd already brought it up as an option. And, well, it's not. not that I really thought that it was. I cannot believe this is happening. It is such a bizarre concept that my head feels like it is going to explode every time I attempt to wrap my mind around it. K seems so young. She's 29. I know some of you are younger, but trust me, she's a young 29. She's in to fashion, and jet setting around the country. I mean, she goes to Hawaii...for the weekend...from New England. She just hardly seems like a woman who's ready to be a mom. It seems so unfair yet again. And BIL has been so focused on his career. He's a really private guy. We haven't met any women in his life for three years. And now, just as he's introducing us to K, this happens. By the way, I think I've mentioned in the past, nearly everyone in Hubby's family with the exception of Hubby and BIL are born in June. It's just so damn fitting that this baby is coming then as well. But, yes, we all are aware, mine is not.

I'm mad at K for being fertile. I'm mad at BIL for taking the first grand child opportunity away from his brother with an accident. I'm mad at K for being vague about what she plans to do and for causing pain and stress for BIL who isn't really able to understand yet how his child is going to fit into his life long term. I'm mad at both of them for not just offering me the baby. (I recognize that these are somewhat irrational thoughts, but thoughts they are all the same). I'm a little bit disturbed by the fact that Hubby waited two weeks to share this news with me. I'm annoyed my Hubby and his mom for being just a little bit psychic and for having the nerve to vocalize statements like "it might take us awhile to have a baby," "it's a real possibility that your brother will have a second before we manage to have one," and MIL's frequent joke of "I'm so glad neither of my boys have ever left me a grandchild out in the world somewhere..." I have told hubby to no longer verbalize these concerns because I am sick of them coming true.

K was on the pill. I can't help but think that all the travelling she does around the country might have led to her taking the pill at not exactly the right time of day, which caused the failure. I am perhaps just a little bit jealous that she comes from enough money to allow her to do things like fly to Hawaii for the weekend. Maybe just a wee bit. So, it's easy to blame what I am jealous for as the reason she's in this mess to begin with.

We celebrate Christmas with Hubby's family on the Sunday after Christmas. It's called Second Christmas. This year, to avoid New Year's Day, it's on the 8th. We are patiently awaiting BIL & K to figure out what they are going to do so we know if they plan to share the news with the family at this event. Meanwhile, there is another cousin who got married 3 months after us. I think she is 32, and rumored to have been trying since this spring. We don't know what her status is. I was preparing to hear news from her. Not BIL. She may be having trouble as well. it's likely, that due to potential family scandal, BIL will not make a public family announcement. If he plans to, Hubby and I have already discussed skipping the event. It would be sad, because his grandparents are in their mid-80s and we probably only have a few years left with them. But, I honestly couldn't take it. I can't take the excitement and fawning over someone else when it should have been me. And by that point, I will likely be stimming again already. Emotions will be heightened for sure.

Where does that leave us? Really glad that SIL will not have a baby bump and has given me permission to ignore her pregnancy, and waiting for an answer from BIL so I can plan my emotional breakdowns in between my next IVF cycle I guess.

Oh yeah, and I'm bound and determined to have twins because it's the only way I can ever show up these two brilliant-multiple-master-degree-holding-with-skinny-beautiful-significant-others-producing-the-first-grand children-on-either-side-little brothers.

It's a sick need. I'll admit it.