Lunch outside

I figure it's just as important to write on days when I'm feeling calm and peaceful as it is to write when I'm feeling stressed and anxious. I'm having lunch outside in the deck today to enjoy this beautiful spring day and take a few minutes to stop my mind from racing.

Happy Friday!!



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Taking ten to breathe

My office is located right along the Charles river. I'm taking ten minutes out of my busy day to breathe and stare at the river while one of my coworkers picks up lunch for me. I need to take more advantage of the beautiful scenery.

Tonight, I might start a list. I might even make a blog page. Thanks, as always for the pep talks ladies!

Freaking out for no reason

Or maybe there is a reason. That I'm really not good at enjoying the journey. I always focus too much on that damn destination.

Tonight, I just started crying while cleaning up the kitchen for dinner. I haven't felt consciously anxious recently, but I have had a lot of trouble breathing for the last month, the kind of trouble that I typically associate with panic attacks. But it hasn't gone that far. But tonight, I don't know. I just got into a funk.

The next few months are going to be very busy for us. Aside from the IVF cycle, we're going to visit my mom one weekend, my college roomie is coming to visit another weekend, there's Mother's Day, which will probably be spent with Hubby's family. There are a lot of family things in May and especially June with his family. Gramma's birthday at the beginning of June (the day after our anniversary), Father's Day, at the end of the month, literally half of his family has a birthday - and this year, it's his aunt's 60th. The first year we dated, there was so much going on, I asked..."Do you see your family every weekend?" The answer was...."Well, yeah, in June!"

We're spending fourth of July with my brother who will be visiting, and we have to go to Iowa in the middle of July for a wedding, which is going to be a whirlwind.

I have a tendency to look ahead at the calendar and get overwhelmed by the amount of commitments I have. I freak out that I won't have time to do things I want to do, which usually means creative stuff around the house, because all of my weekend time is scheduled with family and friend obligations. I've gotten really busy at work, which is exciting, because the project I'm on now is the kind of opportunity I've been waiting for. But it has me feeling really revved up, which is not helping with my propensity for jumping ahead. (The good news there is that the work days are finally passing quickly...but too quickly!)

I mean, come on, it's not even May yet, and I'm already freaking out about not having enough time to plant flowers, or paint my house, or whatever...in July!

I work myself into such a tizzy that I don't even end up having energy to start all of these things I'm worried about not having time for. Evenings are really tough. I'm trying to get on the elliptical as often as I can after work. Then, by the time we make dinner and clean up, all I have the brain power for is to sit on the couch with the TV and my laptop. I feel like I get nothing done.

Which really isn't true. Last night I swept up all the dust bunnies and cat hair from the whole house. I cooked, did the dishes. Tonight I went on the elliptical, emptied and loaded the dishwasher. So yes, I got stuff done. But it all just feels like chores. Chores, chores, and more chores. Now really, it's not the most pleasant journey when it all feels like work, right?

OK, now that I got that out, I need to figure out how to slow down and just breathe. It's just frustrating though when I do try to stop and breathe, and then I feel that damn tightness in my chest, and never achieve that full breath, so I revert to shallow quick breaths without even realizing that's what I'm doing, and that's how I get so revved up and end up writing really long run-on sentences...and essentially, well, freaking out for no reason!

Ready for my Close-up

Or at least my uterus is apparently.

I was told by Dr. A that my "uterus is so beautiful it could be on the cover of Uterus Magazine."

Now, that's a complement! (right?!)

I went for my office hysteroscopy and mock transfer today. Dr. A was in and out so quickly I barely blinked and it was over. There was a bit of cramping but it was so fast I barely noticed. I was also told that my bladder was the perfect amount full because the catheter slipped right in. I have to remember that I peed one hour before, and than drank two small cups of water while waiting for the procedure. The coolest part was that I managed to get a view of Violetta's first bedroom before it was all over. It's always a strange feeling to see inside of yourself.

Now, we wait for insurance approval, and the go ahead to start Lupron in about two weeks!

In other news, Hubby had another semen analysis last week. One last insurance requirement. In addition to peaking inside my uterus anually, they also want a look at the swimmers once a year.

Admittedly, when this was done last year, I never actually saw or absorbed the results. They said everything was fine. And we didn't give it another thought. Today, since I was at the RE's office, I asked to hear about the results. The nurse came in a gave me a copy, but didn't tell me anything about them. I assumed that if there is anything we need to worry about, they would tell us. Although, at this point, we're headed to IVF anyway. I suppose it's just a matter of ICSI if necessary.

It turns out, there are few areas where hubby is abnormal, namely morphology at 34%, with many forms with acrosomal deficiency. Has anyone had experience with this? Dr. Google is not revealing much except other confused people like me trying to understand what this means. It seems it has something to do with the sperm's ability to penetrate through the enzymes around the egg in order to actually fertilize it.

I'm going to call the nurse tomorrow, just to ask for a little more info. We've been told our infertility is unexplained, but when I'm handed a report which indicates some abnormalities, I have to wonder if there is an explanation after all.

Now, I've told Hubby not to worry about it. And I really mean that, (hear me Hubby, don't worry! I love you, you are the best husband ever! Dr. Google also says not to put too much weight onto any one result because samples can very so much) Like I said we're doing IVF already, so this information doesn't change our path. And for all I know, the results haven't changed since last year, and it was nothing concerning enough for the doctors to address. But perhaps it can shed some light on the way we ended up here in the first place. "Unexplained" is so frustrating that any data that can point to real answers is something to latch on to, whether it's relevant or not.

In any case, once we get those embryos, through whatever means required, we know that they will have a cover girl worthy place to stay for awhile!

Rainy Saturday

It's a rainy, dreary day here in New England. It is not helping me wake up and get moving after a relaxing acupuncture session this morning. It was a great session, but mixed with spring allergies, it's left me quite groggy. I'm on the elliptical now in front of our sun lamp, hoping to drum up the drive to put away laundry, clean our office, and work on floor plans for a friend's living room. But, before all that, a new award had brought a little brightness into a dark, semi-productive day.

Thanks to A Shadow of My Former Self at Singular Desire & Journey Through IF for adding a bright splash of spring green to my rainy afternoon! It's always nice to hear that people enjoy reading my random thoughts.

So, here’s how it works:

1. Winners grab the image and put it in your blog.
2. Link back to the person who gave you it.
3. Tell 10 things about yourself
4. Award 15 recently discovered bloggers.
5. Contact the bloggers you have awarded to let them know they have won.

Things about me:

1. I sometimes wish someone would nominate me for What Not to Wear. It's not that I think I'm a bad dresser, but more that I just don't know where to shop. Ever since I out grew Express, and The Gap became hit or miss, I have been a wandering fashionista. And I'm a designer...I feel like I should be fashionable (but then, I can't justify spending good money on clothes when I never know what size I might be a few months down the road...well, gee, this seems like it could be the subject of a whole post!)
2. I love Ameri.can Idol. I've been a faithful watcher since the last few episodes of season 2. I remember calling my mom the first time I heard Clay Aiken open his mouth saying "how on earth is that voice coming out of that face?!" Thankfully, my husband loves watching with me. We even have a pool going. We made predictions of the order people would leave the very first week, and he came up with a very complicated spreadsheet to determine the winner. We both want Casey to win, but I think Scotty will win. Just an early feeling. 
3. Speaking of Idol, Constantine (I have an unnatural giddiness anytime I see him, and acutally got to see him live this fall in Rock of Ages - very fun show for anyone who existed in the 80s). from season 4 would be on my list. You know, that list of five freebie celebs each spouse is supposed to have. My list also includes Robert Downy Jr., Johnny Depp, and probably Maurice Bernard who plays Sonny on GH. If you Googled this list of people, you would see that I have a very clear type. Dark, moody and Italianish. Hubby does in fact fit in pretty well. 
4. (I'm never going to make it to ten things if I keep saying so much about each one). I'm a terrible story teller, from the perspective that I'm not good at editing! I've been teased about this for most of my life. 
5. My house is often messier than I wish is was, but yet, most of the time, I can't be bothered to spend my time cleaning. I'd much rather be doing something creative, which often entails making a mess, not getting rid of one. 
6. I like to take walks in the rain...in the summer, when it's warm. (not when it's in the 40s). I tried, unsuccessfully, all last summer to get caught in the rain on my even walk. 
7. I LOVE Cadbury Creme eggs. (I think I have mentioned this before, but since they will be leaving stores in the next day, it seems relevant). My coworker Lo-lo and I gave up candy for the month of March, but only after I confirmed that Easter was late enough in the season that I would still get to have a few more eggs. We have two more in the house waiting for tomorrow. 
8. I wish I had more girlfriends. None of my best friends live near by. The closest one right now is over an hour, and about to move back to NJ. I was essentially dumped by my local friends when I disappeared on them during my thesis. Hubby came with some girls, who I am friends with, but all are at least 5 years older than me, and don't want to be moms, so it's not quite the same. 
9. I really want to take a beach vacation before we have a baby, but I think it's probably insane to spend money on that after we just went to London, have to go to Iowa this summer for a wedding, and have a million things to do around our house. But still, nothing beats lying on the beach in a tropical location sipping on pina coladas, even if they might have to be virgin. 
10. I am really good at procrastinating, or more so letting the minutes slip by while I am not being productive, and then freaking out later that I was not productive enough. 

With that said...I will finish up this post with my nominees after I take a productivity break!

*  *  *

over three hours later...

It seems this award had been making the rounds as of late, so it's a little hard to come up with a list of 15 with no repeats. I apologize in advance if you've already received this. But it just means someone else out there is enjoying your blog, and that's always fun, right? And I didn't want to give this award to anyone I already gave an award to this winter (not that I don't still love you all...man I'm in a babbly mood today...)

So, without further ado, and trying to stick to blogs that are (mostly) newer to me...the nominees are...

1. A Miracle 4 Us
2. Club TTC
3. Greetings from Nowhere, NM
4. I'm Just Ducky, Thanks
5. Journey Through IF (cause if she hadn't given it to me, I would have given it to her!)
6. Mac and PC
7. My Path to Insanity and Beyond
8. Two's Company, Three's a Family
9. Delayed in DINKville
10. Singular Desire (cause again, if she hadn't beaten me to it...)
11. Tippy & Tidy's Tumultuous Trip to Toddlers
12. My Dusty Uterus
13. Many Many Moons
14. Viva la Vida
15. The Stork Drop Zone

Oh, isn't that sweet

All the parents in the office are at a lunch time seminar to learn how to save for college. "from diapers to diplomas." How nice for them. (and mildly annoying for me).

My children, when (not if, positive thinking, right?) I am lucky enough to have them are going to be entirely screwed. They will probably have to pay their way through school and take us in when we retire! That's what happens when you have an extended adolescence for whatever the reason. Not enough time to save. Violetta, I hope you will forgive your patents and decide to join us anyway! We always make do, and we do have a lot of fun.

Oh well. I'm not going to think about it. I'm going out for a walk in the beautiful sunshine to grab some lunch.

(hmmm, one of these days I have to learn how to bring from home so I can save more, huh? It's just not nearly as satisfying!)

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Wow, That's Exciting!

This seems to be the standard reaction I get when I manage to share the fact that Hubby and I are planning on IVF this spring. (Lupron starts three weeks after AF shows up, which should be any day now, judging by my sore boobs and headache! Isn't it funny how sometimes we can't wait for her to show up?). And yes, I have managed to share this fact, if in extremely vague fashion, with both my mother and SIL.

In London, one morning, I was stretching in the living room because my back was killing me from all the walking. SIL walked-in, and whatever she said prompted me to say that I was going to start acupuncture when we got back. Later that evening, she and I took Lady C to the park to go on the swings. SIL asked how my back was feeling and if that was why I was going to try acupuncture. She then said that she had done it and really liked it....the reason why...she was impatient to become a mother. She then confessed that she'd had at least one chemical, and suspected more. The month after she started acupuncture, she conceived Lady C. Naturally of course, because I expect nothing less from my perfect brother and his beautiful wife. But it was somehow reassuring to know that it wasn't as easy for them as it looked. It's amazing to think how many people out there have probably struggled, and never shared that fact. I confessed that I too had a chemical (neglecting to mention that it was on her birthday the year before) and that we would be starting IVF this spring.

"Wow! That's Exciting!" was her response.

Yeah, I guess it is. I guess I haven't really thought about it in those terms very often. I've thought about it in terms of, I can't freaking believe we are actually here? Why does everything have to be so hard? But you know what, it is actually freakin' exciting! With every BFP story I read from you ladies out there, and there have been a lot of them, I get more excited and more hopeful that it's going to be my turn this time.

I didn't go into to any details with SIL, but admitted that was why I was starting acupuncture. She ended up loaning me a book she'd found helpful, and mentioned a website she would visit during the two week wait. I confessed to starting a blog, but didn't tell her where she could find it. And all the while, we watched the adorable little Lady C laughing, bouncing and kicking her feet in excitement to be on the swing while she watched all the other kids play. God, I want one! I was really glad we chatted.

Ok, well, the point of this post was to talk about IVF being exciting. My second excited reaction came from the acupuncturist, which was really sweet. She talked about how far IVF has come, and how successful it is. Again, a reaction that caught me off guard. Then, I thought, well she works in a Mind Body Wellness center (yes Kerry, the Domar Center...Dr. Domar's name seems to come up everywhere...and it's literally 8 minutes from my house, I had to check it out), so of course, she probably has a positive attitude about anything. But still.

Lastly, on the phone with my mom this weekend, I mentioned having some appointments which took me out of work. She asked if I wanted to tell her about the appointments, so I took a deep breath and said we were doing IVF this spring.

"Oh, that's so exciting!"

Again? Really? I guess this is the universe telling me that it's ok to be excited! (is it ok to be impatient too?  cause I really just want to get this show on the road!) In any case, even though I'm not going into the details, it's felt good to admit to a few people what the future holds for us. I feel lighter. And because of that, I really do think I am ready and able to get excited!

April in London

I've been promising to tell you about my trip. Now that I seem to be over my jet-lag, have cleaned the main floor of our house, and done a bunch of laundry, I feel I can take a few minutes to share the details.

We arrived on Saturday, April 2, bright and early, after a red-eye flight with a bit too much turbulence for my liking. We were both able to get a fair amount of sleep on the flight, despite the bouncing. We took the train to Paddington Station, and then grabed a cab to Little Bro's house. He's renting a town house with plenty of space for visitors. We had the third floor to ourselves, with a private bathroom and everything. If it weren't for the price of airfare (and the jet-lag recovery) I would be back quite often.

After freshening up, we had some lunch and a walk through the park with Little Bro, SIL, and Lady C. We spent the evening relaxing, and playing with Lady C while my brother cooked us an awesome Bolognese sauce for dinner.

Regent's Park

On Sunday, we all ventured out to walk across the Millenium Bridge (Hubby is in the Bridge business, so I had to make sure he got to see lots), and then to the Tate Modern. After lunch, SIL took me to a salon in honor of my birthday (the following day) to get our hair done. Their nanny came to babysit Lady C, and the four grown-ups headed out to a nice dinner.

The Tate Modern

Freshly styled and still stick straight!

Monday was my birthday. Hubby and I ventured out on our own while Lady C was napping, and Little Bro and SIL were working. We wandered through Hyde Park, and stopped near Harrods for lunch. (There may be another story about my inability to decide where to eat lunch at another time. This post is about fun vacation memories!). Later that night, we went out to dinner at a place recommended by on of Hubby's British coworkers, who insisted that we book an upstairs table. It was definitely an experience!

Upstairs Table

The rest of the week was pretty much spent sight seeing and wandering before and after lunch, hanging with Lady C in the afternoon, and enjoying a leisurely dinner at home with Little Bro and SIL in the evening after Lady C went to bed.

Until Friday...when we were so exhausted that we just went to the park, and after a walk around the water, plopped ourselves down on a blanket for a few hours. Boy, did it feel good to stop...and it reminded me that we need to do it more often. (and makes me want a beach vacation before our future baby comes...even if I have to lie on a beach 6 months pregnant...and even though we REALLY shouldn't spend monty on one!) 

That night, Hubby's brother was actually in town for business, so the three of us went out on the town, and got to experience the block party-like quality of the city at the end of the work week after three beautiful clear blue sky days. There are pubs everywhere you look, and no one was in them. They were all standing outside on the sidewalk, drinking from their glass (not plastic as would be the case here) pint glasses, and having a jolly good time.

Saturday was our last full day, and the whole lot of us (my BIL included) headed out for a cruise on the Themes, and a visit to the Tower of London, followed by another great dinner at home.

All in all, it was a fabulous trip. I couldn't think of a better way to celebrate a birthday. We saw lots of sights, had lots of great time with Lady C, and her parents, and I have a renewed creative energy from taking so many pictures of flowers, and visit some great design stores, including one of my all time favorites, Designer's Guild (which turns out to have a location right around the corner from Little Bro). I kind of want to be Tricia Guild. I can't deny it.

So to recap, we hung out with Lady C

  

We were impressed with the variety of solid foods in her diet. 

She loves to reach for the camera

This seemed to be her favorite location for an afternoon poop!

The look on her face makes me think they might have a daredevil on their hands

Followed by a look of pure joy that just melts my heart!

Lady C and Aunt Jenny (cause little kids like to say Jenny and it makes my brother nostalgic)

I took lots of pictures of flowers...

And got inspired by designy things

It's sort of a self portrait, can you see?

We saw lots of sights

The British Museum

The London Eye

Parliament and Westminster Abby from the London Eye

The Tower Bridge

Some guy painting the LAST red shape to complete a three year repainting job of the Tower Bridge

The Tower of London

The Tower Bridge from the Tower of London

The chapel inside the White Tower

 Relaxed in the Park

Looked for hidden messages

And had lots of good quality family time. 

Hubby and his little bro 

She refuses a bottle, but is skilled with a cup

First boat ride

Wearing the completely impractical poofy dress Aunt Jenny brought

 

I'm looking forward to July, when they make the trip back here and we get to play with the little cutie again.

One of my favorite shots from the whole trip...taken with my iPhone