Intrusive Post Partum Thoughts.
And now I can stop worrying about acting on them. Not that I ever actually, logically thought I would act on them. But when they happen over and over and over for months, it's hard not to think that you're some kind of freakish monster of a mother. I was commended for admitting them so early. And I share this now, because I know some of you out there are having them too. You'll be ok.
And those thoughts will be diminishing soon as my prescription for Z*loft is currently being called into the pharmacy.
It is not an easy decision for me to return to the world of SSRIs. I struggled to get off of them after eight years, before beginning TTC. And I'm sure there are many who would disagree with my decision. But I need the thoughts to stop. I need to be able to sleep when L does. He's had two great 10 hour intervals between feedings this week, and I've been staring at the ceiling for hours. Not fun. So yeah. After being off meds for 4.5 years, I'm going back. Talking it out just isn't going to cut it right now. Let's hope my nutritional expertise garnered from my bout with GD will help to fend off the weight gain!
Now, how did I end up here? Well, like I said I would, I called my OB, and received the name of a therapist to visit. I just came from finally meeting with her. I will also be seeing a psychiatrist at the end of February. In the meantime, by OB is prescribing Z*loft and At*van.
The therapist, Dr. K, told me that there are three situations that set people up for PPD. And I only have one. So, there's some good news. In case you are curious, those situations are:
- An extremely fussy baby
- Extreme issues with nursing forcing the need to stop
- Sleep issues
Hello insmomniac. (Typo intended. I'm coining the term "insmomnia," right now. Yes, I am.)
One of these days, I will write a post about sleep. It's not all that bad in our house. But we have had some issues with where L has been sleeping. Over the past few weeks, we have made tons of improvements. For him. Not me. But like I said, sleep is a post in itself.
Aside from meds, I'm going back to the therapist in a week or so (cancellation waiting list dependent). She's going to teach me techniques for dealing with anxiety, which, despite my years upon years of therapy, is not something I've ever been truly taught. I have been instructed to leave the house at least once a day, if only to go for a drive through a drive-thru somewhere. (There are not enough drive-thrus near me. Must research!) And I need help. I need someone else to spend time with L so I can have time for myself. Maybe I should just join the Y so I can exercise and leave L at their daycare. But I'm so NOT a gym person!
We're alone together for a good part of many days. And lately, Hubby has been coming home late from work, and working on projects around the house on the weekends when he is actually home. We need to find a better balance here. And, it's time to start getting my MIL to come watch L every now and then. She's going to be doing it one day a week come May, so I guess it's never too early to start practicing, right? I'm not quite sure I'm ready for traditional baby sitters just yet. But maybe I need to research.
I need to keep trying to set up play dates and outings with the few mom friends I have and take advantage of the women that I've meet through my Isis classes to go to the mall or more mommy movies.
And I need to know that I'm a good mom, and I will be ok. I'm going to kick those intrusive thoughts to the curb!
