Just another ordinary day

It's New Year's Eve. A night for fancy parties, and annual reflection. A night to make plans for the year ahead. Or so it usually is. With a twelve week old infant, it really is just another ordinary day at home while Daddy goes to work. And I'm ok with that. 

Instead of setting myself up to fail at a bunch of resolutions I won't keep, or spending time thinking...this is the year I'll meet a guy, this is the year I'll buy a house, this is the year I'll get to be a mom—and then being constantly disappointed...well, I finally have all of those things, and I think it's about time I just sit back, relax and enjoy them, don't you? 

I want to let go of perfection (though I can't let go of at least picking up the house, not that I've ever been very good at that, but it's just too small with all the baby stuff not to stay on top of things, but I want to be calm and methodical about it, not uptight and frantic.) I want to breathe deep, and live in the moment. Soak it all in. Shine up my sparkle. I made it. I'm here. I've got not where else to be. Every day is a new adventure now in our little family. 

I want to enjoy the family I've worked so hard to create in the home that I've worked so hard to make, each and every ordinary day. 

Monday Snapshot: Christmas Edition

I'm still pouring through dozens and dozens of photos from this past week of Christmas celebrations. So far, this one stands out as a clear favorite. It's about joy, pure joy. We had a wonderful holiday with Hubby off for the entire week. This was taken on Christmas Eve at my mom's house, where we were for most of the week, just our family of three and Granny. The celebrations wrapped up this weekend with Hubby's family here in Boston. It was a fabulous holiday and Luigi was truly spoiled. But as this photo shows, it's not about the stuff, it's about special time with family with a dash of sparkling lights.

This is a part of PAIL's Monday Snapshot. Stop by to see who is featured and to check out other great snapshots. 

Joy & Cheer

Decking the Halls - Baby Style

This post is for Chon, my partner in creative distraction crime, who asked how my Christmas decorations came out this year. I'll admit, my friend, it was tough to get it all done, and it is an abbreviated version of last year, when I went all out. The decor is also punctuated with a new element this year...baby gear!

Here's the tree, with about 25% of my ornaments left off. I just got tired. The tree does still look plenty full. I guess I have a lot of ornaments! I went future baby proof crazy and cut silver thread to hang all of my ornaments so I could eliminate the wire hangers for next year, when they could be more of an issue. You can see the two teal bins that now sit under the purple chairs which hold blankets and toys in an attempt to keep our small living space neat, at least when we have company. You can also see a hint of the garland in the opening to the dining room, which I kept simple this year, without the lights and ribbon. 

My snowflake wrapping paper stayed up on the the cabinet for the entire year. The colors work so well with the room, that people are kind enough not to notice the snowflakes in the middle of the summer! I'm working on a more long term solution to hide the mess behind that glass door. The shelves are much more accessorized this year than they were last, something I manage to do when I went on leave before Luigi arrived. You can see one of his activity gyms in front of the fire place, currently a permanent fixture in the room. 

Here's the mantel on the fireplace, without the lights and ribbon of last year, but with the addition of Luigi's new stocking. We went for a child theme, instead of blending in with ours, but I love the way the lime green ad the top, and the blue behind the snowman work well with the scheme of our room in general. Of course, it's hard to see how lovely the mantel looks with our favorite swing (one of the only places we get naps right now) blocking the view. 

Here are the shelves to the right of the fireplace, looking quite similar to last year. I finally found a photo for the purple frame. Now I need to frame some photos of Luigi to add. 

And lastly, the dining room, looking very similar to last year as well. My wrapping paper/contact paper place mats held up well enough to be used for another year. Of course, one of the chairs is missing from our table. You can see it in the back with Luigi's seat strapped on. We love this seat by the way. It reclines enough for new babies, so he can always join us as the table. As he grows, we can add the tray, and tilt it more upright. 

So, there you have a little tour of of my simplified Christmas this year. I have to admit, it was hard to motivate to get any of it done, but I love this time of year. It is a time that sparkles all on it's own, and we know that I am in search of new sparkle these days. And since it's Luigi's first, though he'll never remember, I couldn't not do at least a little. We did leave out the outdoor lights in favor of more family time on the weekend. He'll never miss those (even though I do!) 

What have you all done to sparkle it up for the holidays? For those with kids, how has your decor changed?

Monday Snapshot

L and I are taking a class together. It's called Great Beginnings at Isis Parenting, a popular store and center in the Boston area. It's been a great way to get out of the house and meet some other moms, and if course learn some great stuff about babies. This shot shows Luigi showing off at tummy time, which he loves, unlike the rest of the babies in class.

Here's also a bonus shot, which is not a snapshot, but an intentional photo shoot with a little christmas light experiment getting to know my dslr a little better. Next time, I need more lights in the background, but heck, babies give you a small window, you have to work quickly! I was just thrilled to capture a smile or two!

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This post is part of PAIL's Monday Snapshot.

Balance

This post is part of PAIL's Monthly theme post. Stop on over to find out more. The theme this month is about balancing work, life and parenthood. I am still on maternity leave, so I have yet to learn what it is like to balance work and parenthood, but I keep missing out on participating in the monthly posts, so I thought I'd ramble on a bit about what my plan is and why. 

I would love to be a stay at home mom. I always knew that I wanted to be a mom, and although I like what I do for work, because of some lay-offs in my mid-twenties, and a career change in my early thirties, my career hasn't quite blossomed the way I had imagined. I'd be quite content to stay at home with Luigi and work on designing stuff as a hobby/pocket change. 

But alas, I live in metro Boston, where life is expensive, in an age where it's next to impossible for the average family to own a house without two incomes. So, it's back to work I will go...eventually. The gift I have given myself is to not go back to work until Luigi is at least six months old. He's already nine weeks. I just absolutely couldn't fathom having to leave him in a few short weeks, and my heart breaks for anyone who does. 

It's not necessarily easy to make this happen. We'll see how our bank account looks in a few months. But, because I am blessed to live in the great state of Massachusetts, all of our treatments are covered. I'm talking $30 total in co-pays for 3 IVF cycles, plus a few hundred in copays for meds. Seriously, people, you all need to move here. Except for, well, it's expensive and the houses are small! Anyway, because we didn't have to tap into our savings to pay for treatment, I started saving up for Plan B, something that would cost money, like donor eggs or adoption. That is the money we are now using to supplement our income while I am not working. I was also fortunate enough to receive 6 weeks of pay, a well timed referral bonus, and a holiday bonus. Over two months into my leave, and I haven't been without an inflow yet. I do still have about a weeks worth of vacation time I can tap into, but I'm holding off on that for a few more weeks. 

I am very glad to have this opportunity, and to have a husband who is supportive of the decision. I do have to admit though, that at times I feel guilty, like that money should go toward college or retirement savings. At the same time, since I live in the great state of Massachusetts, as soon as we start Luigi in day care, we will be spending about $1,000 a month for only 3 days a week of care. Yes, people, that's $12,000 a year. So, it could be thought that I'm saving us $3000 by taking an extra three months off, right? 

I am also fortunate that my employer seems to love me, and our firm is in a good place right now. During the economic downturn a few years ago, no one would ask for more than the legally required 12 weeks off. There was no guarantee that a job would be waiting for you. And that is a risk I take. When I get in touch in the spring, they may, and have every right to say that they don't have a place for me, or that they are not ready for me, based on what projects we have in the office at that time. But like I said, I'm fairly optimistic that they want me back. I got a good bonus, and a real raise this summer, after a real raise the previous year. Trust me, after the few years we've had with no raises, pay cuts, or cost of living adjustments only, this was a big deal. And it gives me confidence that I will be able to return as planned. 

So, what is the plan when I do go back? My firm is extremely family friendly. Most new moms cut down to working 4 days a week, and I plan to take advantage. We are hoping that my mother-in-law who lives about twenty minutes away, will be able to help out one day a week, leaving us with 3 days of day care. We are still researching our options for that. I should have been on a handful of waiting lists by now. It's that kind of area. But I'm hopeful that it will all work out. I had started the search this summer at the same time I was diagnosed with GD. With all the monitoring appointments I had to go to, there just wasn't time to add day care visits to the mix. I will begin that in full force after the holidays. As for Gramma's help, we really hope it will work out. She just had one knee replaced, and needs to do the other one. I have my doubts that she will be in the right physical shape to care foe Luigi, especially once he is on the go. But I'd like to give her a chance. I know she wants to spend that time with him. Fingers crossed that it all works out. My employer has said that if I need to come back to work slowly, and work my way up, this is an option as well. 

Well, there you have it, the basic logistics. I think because I wish I didn't have to work, it has made it harder for me to motivate to look for day care too. It's like in the back of my mind, if I don't find it, then I need to stay home, right? We probably could swing living on one income, but it would be a big sacrifice. Our retirement and college savings would take a huge hit, and we wouldn't be able to have family vacations, that sort of thing. So, going back at least part of the week really is what's best for our family as a whole. If we have a second child though, that's when it becomes questionable. That's when my income might go entirely toward day care for two. That's when it just wouldn't make sense to me, despite whatever desires I might have for adult stimulation. 

I can't say much more about how I feel about the balance. I do worry about having enough time for Luigi on work days. Hubby and I have always been really bad about routines, and we're not morning people. We will have to make some adjustments in order to have time to spend with Luigi before bedtime. Our current MO is to work until 6, which doesn't leave a lot of time to feed and hang out with a kid who goes to bed at 7, right? I'm sure we will work it all out when the time comes, as we always do some how. 

I'm sorry this feels like  bit of a ramble. It's hard to find time to sit down and write a cohesive thought. I'm taking advantage of Luigi and Hubby not being up yet. I snuck downstairs to pump and type because I really do want to participate more actively with PAIL.

Two Months

In honor of Luigi turning two months old today, I thought I'd share his birth announcement, which I just got printed (from my favorite print on anything website, Zazzle, click here for my own designs available for sale) and am working on getting out in the mail. This is on one side (edited slightly to maintain my anonymity of course!). The other is our Christmas card, which I will share closer to the holiday.

The photo was taken by my best friend C, who came over for the day when L was 2.5 weeks old. I'll share more of the pictures another time. She got some really cure shots.

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Luigi, your second month was just as amazing as the first, though I'm feeling slightly more awake than I was last month! I might just be getting the hang of this motherhood thing. You're really getting out and about in the world now. You've been out to lunch in restaurants a few times, once with five of my coworkers, and were so great each time. You've been to my office and Daddy's to make the rounds so everyone could oooh and ahhh over you. You celebrated your first Thanksgiving at Uncle J's house. You had your first play date with our friend J and her twins, W & V. And we've started taking a weekly class together, where we're meeting all sorts of new moms and babies. Yesterday, you even survived your first trip to the mall. You slept the whole time. You are still a magic baby!

You have really started to smile a lot, and will do so in reaction to certain things now. You especially like when I sing "Rudolph" to you while I'm changing you. I touch your nose every time I mention Rudolph's, and you smile almost every time. You're also really happy in the morning, when Daddy and I put you in your highchair and you sit at the table with us while we eat breakfast.

You do often hate to have your diaper changed. At least at home. You will often scream until it's all over. You've been kind to me when I have to do it in public. The first time was in the bathroom at my office when we were visiting. You were getting ready to let out a wail when you came face to face with your reflection and were completely enthralled. I still need to get a mirror for your changing table. You also hate to have a wet diaper, and will start a slow whimper with the action of peeing, which turns to a full wail by the time you feel your wet diaper. Thankfully, this doesn't happen every.single.time you pee, because often after eating, you will pee twice in the course of ten minutes or so! We are changing a lot of diapers.

We have started to teach you sign language, and you really seem to pay attention to our hands and what they are doing. It will be awhile before you are able to sign back, though. The signs we're working on are mommy, daddy, kitty, change, diaper, all done, hungry, more, and milk. We'll add a few more at a time once you develop some specific interests.

You've been playing a lot on your activity mat this month, flailing your arms about, and managing to hit the dangling toys. I don't think you realize yet that you are the one making them move. But you seem to have fun. You have managed to grip tightly on to some of the links that hold them as well. It's a good thing I wear my hair up usually, because I dread the day you get a grip like that on it! Ouch!

You're also a master of tummy time. Your head control is awe inspiring, and you sometimes pump your arms and legs like you are crawling. Unfortunately (or not) you are a bit of a beached whale lying on your not so little belly!

My little man, every day is a new adventure. You are getting some predictable routines, like needing a nap a half hour to an hour after you eat, and then eating again when you wake from that, but we're still working on that routine happening at a predictable time each day. I love every minute we have together, even when you are fussy, because I get to cuddle you and hold you close, trying to make it all better. I know those tiny little cuddles won't last forever. But I am so enjoying seeing your personality develop. So far, you seem to be quite serious a lot of the time, just taking in the world around you, but when you smile...it melts my heart. I cannot wait until those smiles are accompanied by giggles. I'm looking forward to what your third month brings!

I love you!

*hoping to work on our 2 month photos later this morning. I'll let you all know when they are up.

PAIL Vlogiversary

This is my submission for PAIL's 6 Month Vlogiversary. It's my first time uploading a video, so hopefully it works out ok. I'm looking forward to watching all the submissions, probably from my iPhone in the middle of the night while feeding Luigi!

Happy 6 months PAIL!

PS: watching it back, I so needed some makeup. But alas, that doesn't happen on a typical day around here. Oh well!

Number Two

I've been thinking about ttc number two literally since I was 8 weeks pregnant with Luigi, when we had our final appointment with our RE, and she said she wanted us back in as soon as I was finished breast feeding. That seemed really fast to me, but given what it took to bring Luigi into the world, and the fact that Hubby is about to turn 44, if we do in fact want a second child, that is the course we need to take. I was again reminded of number two when I was being discharged from the hospital and was asked what I was doing for birth control. Right now, the answer is nothing. Is that the right decision?

So, that is now the question. The question that has been playing over and over in my mind for the last 8 weeks, at times distracting me from the greatest joy of my life. I'm sick of the distraction. I'm sick of feeling anxious about it. And that means it's time to blog it out so I can stop obsessing and live in the now with my darling son.

Do I really want another child?

I always thought I wanted to have two kids, a boy and a girl, of course. I mean, you all know that I wanted a girl. Look at the name of my blog.

But now, I'm just not so sure.

Hubby and I both have great relationships with our younger brothers, and we wanted that for our son. I don't want him to have to be an only child, although we all know that I might not have a choice in that matter. But does that mean that I shouldn't give it my best effort? I live in a state with coverage. How can I not take advantage.

But then, when is enough enough, and what is enough?

Luigi is enough. He is a miracle. He is magic. He is enough, and I don't ever want him to think that he isn't. Part of me feels that going through treatments before he is even a year old might make him feel like he isn't. It will take me away and distract me from valuable time with him when he is so young. And we just don't have the luxury to wait to try to space out a sibling until he is a little bit older.

What if the first try doesn't work? I don't want to go back to that dark, sad place. I want to move on, live in joy, experience the magic of watching my son explore the world. He deserves to have parents that are present and joyous, not preoccupied and depressed. How long do we commit to trying before we say enough is enough, and we have enough already to be satisfied.

Not to mention that financially, we'll have so much more to offer him if we stick with our family of three. We'll be able to take vacations and contribute more to college. Our little house won't feel too crowded to soon.

But is it fair to deprive him of the chance at a sibling because I'm worried about money or my house feeling too small? What is more important? Family or a contribution to college?

My other concern is caring for a newborn when L is less than two, and actively running around our house. Although I am becoming more confident every day, I am terrible at being sleep deprived, and being pregnant was not easy, especially with gestational diabetes. That's not to say I'd get it again. It's so hard for me to imagine being pregnant or caring for an infant with a two or less year old running around actively wanting attention. I know that people do it all the time. But right now, it just seems like the hardest thing I could imagine living through.

Again, is it fair of me to deprive Luigi of a chance at a sibling because I'm tired and can't imagine caring for two babies at once? Is it selfish of me, or is it to his benefit that he will have more opportunities in life if he does remain an only child?

All of this worry could be for not—just because I might decide to try doesn't mean it's going to work. Isn't that the curse of anxiety? Worrying about things that might never happen and over which we have no control anyway.

But I do have control over whether or not I try, and just how hard I do. I just don't know what I will decide.

It's ok though, I don't have to decide right now. I want to breastfeed for six months, so I've got another four to go before it's time to call Dr. A. If by some chance our lack of birth control results in a miracle before then, I will consider that fate's decision.

Right, I don't have to decide right now. What I have to do is enjoy every second with my little guy, because no matter what the future holds for our little family, I already have enough.

Monday Snapshot

Hubby took Luigi to his brother's yesterday afternoon for a little football and male bonding while I got a nice long uninterrupted nap! Doesn't L look adorable showing his team spirit?

Sleep is getting a little better around here in general, as we're starting to get some 6-7 hour stretches between the bedtime feeding and the early morning. On nights when L does still want to eat around midnight, Hubby has been giving him a bottle. There are days when I almost feel human again!

This post is part of PAIL's Monday Snapshot