Number Two

I've been thinking about ttc number two literally since I was 8 weeks pregnant with Luigi, when we had our final appointment with our RE, and she said she wanted us back in as soon as I was finished breast feeding. That seemed really fast to me, but given what it took to bring Luigi into the world, and the fact that Hubby is about to turn 44, if we do in fact want a second child, that is the course we need to take. I was again reminded of number two when I was being discharged from the hospital and was asked what I was doing for birth control. Right now, the answer is nothing. Is that the right decision?

So, that is now the question. The question that has been playing over and over in my mind for the last 8 weeks, at times distracting me from the greatest joy of my life. I'm sick of the distraction. I'm sick of feeling anxious about it. And that means it's time to blog it out so I can stop obsessing and live in the now with my darling son.

Do I really want another child?

I always thought I wanted to have two kids, a boy and a girl, of course. I mean, you all know that I wanted a girl. Look at the name of my blog.

But now, I'm just not so sure.

Hubby and I both have great relationships with our younger brothers, and we wanted that for our son. I don't want him to have to be an only child, although we all know that I might not have a choice in that matter. But does that mean that I shouldn't give it my best effort? I live in a state with coverage. How can I not take advantage.

But then, when is enough enough, and what is enough?

Luigi is enough. He is a miracle. He is magic. He is enough, and I don't ever want him to think that he isn't. Part of me feels that going through treatments before he is even a year old might make him feel like he isn't. It will take me away and distract me from valuable time with him when he is so young. And we just don't have the luxury to wait to try to space out a sibling until he is a little bit older.

What if the first try doesn't work? I don't want to go back to that dark, sad place. I want to move on, live in joy, experience the magic of watching my son explore the world. He deserves to have parents that are present and joyous, not preoccupied and depressed. How long do we commit to trying before we say enough is enough, and we have enough already to be satisfied.

Not to mention that financially, we'll have so much more to offer him if we stick with our family of three. We'll be able to take vacations and contribute more to college. Our little house won't feel too crowded to soon.

But is it fair to deprive him of the chance at a sibling because I'm worried about money or my house feeling too small? What is more important? Family or a contribution to college?

My other concern is caring for a newborn when L is less than two, and actively running around our house. Although I am becoming more confident every day, I am terrible at being sleep deprived, and being pregnant was not easy, especially with gestational diabetes. That's not to say I'd get it again. It's so hard for me to imagine being pregnant or caring for an infant with a two or less year old running around actively wanting attention. I know that people do it all the time. But right now, it just seems like the hardest thing I could imagine living through.

Again, is it fair of me to deprive Luigi of a chance at a sibling because I'm tired and can't imagine caring for two babies at once? Is it selfish of me, or is it to his benefit that he will have more opportunities in life if he does remain an only child?

All of this worry could be for not—just because I might decide to try doesn't mean it's going to work. Isn't that the curse of anxiety? Worrying about things that might never happen and over which we have no control anyway.

But I do have control over whether or not I try, and just how hard I do. I just don't know what I will decide.

It's ok though, I don't have to decide right now. I want to breastfeed for six months, so I've got another four to go before it's time to call Dr. A. If by some chance our lack of birth control results in a miracle before then, I will consider that fate's decision.

Right, I don't have to decide right now. What I have to do is enjoy every second with my little guy, because no matter what the future holds for our little family, I already have enough.