The Chronicle Continues

Whew, it is taking longer than I thought to get through my story. But I feel like getting through the whole thing is part of the theraputic process for me, so bear with me. Continuing again on my back story, early August arrived, and I had my appointment with Dr. A, my new reproductive endocrinologist. It immediately felt like a better situation then the OB/GYN. I was getting attention, having a conversation. And after 40 minutes, she declared me the "proud owner of unexplained infertility."

Hmmm.

Unexplained infertility. I guess it's good that there's nothing wrong with either me or Hubby. But, if there's nothing wrong, then there is nothing to fix. So now what?

The plan was to go ahead with two more Clomid cycles. I would monitor on my own with OPKs. Dr. A doesn't like to trigger for fear of triggering an egg that's just not quite ready yet. She did decide to increase the does of Clomid from 50 to 100.

OK. We had a plan. And life was utter chaos. We closed on our house a week later. I was studying for a professional exam at the beginning of September, and suffering from insomnia. Gee, I wonder why. we moved into the new house at the end of August. I spent the last weekend of August in a weekend long study seminar, bloated to heck with swollen ovaries, and losing my mind from sleep depravation. It was a very rough time.

Labor day weekend had us heading into to our new clinic for our second IUI. At least Hubby liked the office better. Instead of having a purple waiting room with fluffy, frilly pillows and lots of photos of babies (it was an OB/GYN after all), this was a generic medical waiting room. And, I'm told, it actually has reading material in the specimen room.

Two weeks later, it was another no go. I was not surprised, considering the state I had been in. And, in typical fashion, the calendar was being oh so cooperative once again. The target for my next ovulation was exam day. Perfect. So, we decided to go natural again. It was frustrating because it felt like we weren't making progress if we couldn't take advantage of everything that medicine has to offer. But, I tried to look at it as a time to relax and give my body a break.

IUI #3 occurred the last weekend in October. I was advised to schedule my next consultation with Dr. A, just in case, so that I would not have to wait as long. Which was a good thing, because we had another negative.

Mid-november brought the appointment, which resulted in a plan to try 1-3 more IUIs, this time with Gonal F injections. And then, we'd sit and have the IVF conversation. Of course, the timing was off, so late November was another natural cycle. It seems that I'm destined to alternate. Which, I guess I should find less frustrating than some, since with the "unexplained" diagnosis, there is no reason to believe that it wouldn't be possible on our own.

Until Hubby started to battle anxiety and depression again and was given a prescription for Prosac.

Oh, and the fertile period coincided with Thanksgiving, and a trip to visit my mom.

Let's just say, we did not actually get lucky at getting lucky in November.

My next cycle rolled around, and we managed all the injections coordinated around our holiday obligations. Hubby was a saint, and did them all for me. It saved me. I don't have a problem getting shots, but I don't like to look at the needles. So, it was a good way to ease into this process. He also saw his doctor again, and switched to a different medication, as well as getting a prescription for one of those little blue pills. On his 42 birthday in the middle of December, after a great dinner out a the scene of our first date, almost 5 years ago, and a walk around the park to see the holiday lights, we returned home, to trigger by 11pm...on cycle day 11.

Huh? Cycle day 11? I had typically been ovulating on day 18. Now, this felt like progress!

Back to the clinic on the Saturday before Christmas. Please Santa, make my Christmas wishes come true. I was freaking out in the waiting room, hoping all would go ok for Hubby with his reading material. I tried not to look at the clock, telling myself that it was only in my imagination that it was taking longer than it had in the past. At last, he appeared. Success! Whew!

A week later, the day after Christmas, we made the trip back to upstate New York to visit my mom, and brother, sister-in-law and niece C, who were in from London. Have I mentioned yet that they moved to London two months after C was born, and I'd only gotten to see her once, when she was only one month old? (I cried the entire day I found out they were moving across the pond instead of only three hours away). Now she was six months old, and a perfectly wonderful, interactive and captive baby! And oh my goodness, is she precious.

We had four great days with family, relaxing and playing with C. It was hard, but a lot of fun too. I was really hopeful about this cycle, and spending time with my family helped get me through most of the two week wait.

I returned home on Wednesday. I had a hard time sleeping that night. My back was starting to hurt, and I was beginning to feel crampish. I got up early, and saw a little spotting. Maybe this was implantation bleeding? It was 13 days after the IUI. Was that too long? And then I checked Faceb**k, as I often do in the morning. There was a message from my cousin J. "I'm going to be an uncle thanks to my sister S..." She's 6 years younger than me. Sometime I'll tell you about the other side of my family, and the 15 great-grandchildren that my grandmother has, none of whom are mine. In any case, that's when I lost it. I knew I was fooling myself. I knew the sore boobs, cramps, back ache and spotting could only mean one thing. And I sobbed. And sobbed, and sobbed.

Later that day, I left a message on the nurses line to schedule my next baseline ultrasound, so I could get my Gonal F dose. Friday morning, New Year's Eve day, I got a call... "How soon can you get here? We're not open tomorrow." Have I mentioned how well the calendar and I get along? I was there in a half hour. Only to find out that since my insurance carrier was changing as of 1/1, I would not be able to start this cycle. It could take 10 days to get approval. Hadn't I mentioned at the beginning of December that my insurance was changing? Why had I not been told this before? Was she serious? Seriously? Apparently it's not typical to be approved for two cycles in a row anyway. The break would be relaxing, and good for my body. Haven't I heard this all before? Arrrrgghhhh!!!!

Can you believe that by Monday, 1/3, (cycle day 5) I had my approval and it was too late to start?! The very next day, I attended my first ever local support group. The day after that, I started to get to know the infertility blogosphere. And a week later, I am finally up to date.

Whew. OK, now it's time to go get it on. It's day 13. I've been peeing on a stick all week. No surge yet, but we're trying to get one in early. Hubby took his little blue pill after work. Hopefully it works this time. And when I say works, I don't even mean the baby making part. I just mean the sex. That would at least be a small victory at this point.

The Chronicle Begins

Continuing where I left off on my first post, the beginning of March rolled around, and I finally had my appointment with the OB/GYN. I was eager to get the ball rolling on those answers I mentioned. But the appointment got off to a strange start. After originally scheduling it to discuss fertility issues, I received an abnormal result on a pap smear. So, I called the office to say I already had this consultation scheduled, and ask if it was possible to take care of both issues at the same time.

When I showed up at the office that Tuesday morning...4 weeks and a day after the chemical pregnancy, and expecting my next period at any moment, the exam room was set up for the colposcopy. Dr. S walked in, checked out what she needed to check out, and was ready to head on about her business. I burst into tears and said I was there also to discuss my fertility, or lack there of. The whole process got off to a bit of a strange start. I told her my history. She was not nearly as impressed as I had hoped with my BBT charts, suggesting ovulation predictor kits instead. She also did not seem overly concerned about the timing of my ovulation and said that I could get started with clomid right away. It would involve visits on day 3 and day 10, and just call when my period started.

Well, wouldn't you know, Hubby and I were heading out of town to Florida, for what was supposed to have been a romantic getaway perfectly timed for baby making, in two days. The chemical pregnancy the previous month had thrown off our calender, and now our vacation was going to be tampon filled. Good times. It also meant that we would be on our own for one more month before getting any kind of medical assistance.

Florida was fun, if a bit of a bust, as it was unseasonably cold there last year. But, we enjoyed the ocean air, sunshine, and walks on the beach, and returned home feeling refreshed and ready for spring.

As a side note, at the same time as I was trying to get my infertility journey off the ground, I was helping my mother to plan a baby shower for the afore mentioned perfect brother and sister-in-law. They were having a girl who we were all affectionately referring to as Bambina. And, being the family party planner, I was in charge of invitations. I managed to enjoy the creative process, but it was hard to control my jealousy. I really, really want to have a girl. (as you may have guessed by the title of this blog...of course, I want one of each, ultimately, but at this point, who knows what will happen, and any child would be an incredible addition to my life). But I am a girl, a girly girl to the point that I have given myself the name Principessa for the purposes of this blog. At least, no matter what, I will always have a niece to spoil with girly things.

Getting back to the answers. by the end of March, I was heading in for my day 3 blood work, ready to finally get the ball rolling. That afternoon, I got one of my answers. My TSH was in the mid-5s, which was higher than the infertility coordinator wanted it. Dr. S was unreachable, and another doc in the office said it would still be ok to start Clomid on day 5. It's hard to remember all of the details now, but ultimately, I was told that I had sub-clinical hypothyroidism, and I should see my primary care doctor to sort it out before pursuing any further treatment.

Sub-clinical hypothyroidism.

It was an answer. An answer that possibly explained a lot of other health issues I have dealt with other the years, from IBS to anxiety and depression. Even though it was an answer, it was incredibly frustrating. I am able to access the last decade of my medical records online. My thyroid has always been the first thing tested for various medical complaints. My TSH has always been found to be normal. I know now that "normal" is debatable, and that the my range was consistently above the newer more controversial range of what is acceptable. I tried not to dwell on what my life could have been had this been discovered many years earlier. I started on Levoxyl and prepared for the Bambina Shower.

By June, my levels were in the 3s, and Dr. S's office was content to go ahead with a monitored Clomid cycle. On a Saturday, in mid-June, I had my first IUI. Exactly 14 days later, I got my period. That afternoon, Hubby and I decided to make an offer on a house. It was a horrible, painful, exciting and anxiety ridden day.

We ended up getting the house, which was amazing! We were renting a house a the time, and I really, really, really wanted to have a house before we have a baby. I want to nest, and make it beautiful and welcoming for Violetta. I want to have time to get settled, and make it my own. Four months after moving in, I'm still working on getting settled. I'll write about that eventually. But I know I have at least 9 months to get it ready for our baby.

After the first IUI didn't work, the coordinator asked if I wanted to start up again right away with Clomid and another monitored cycle. We had a weekend away planned, which looked to conflict with a potential IUI date. And because my TSH was still above 3 (I was reading online that under 2 is better, although this is a newer and more controversial opinion), I decided I should see a Reproductive Endocrinologist to make sure that aspect was getting enough attention. We were on our own again for July while I waited for a consultation with Dr. A in early August. I'll pick up there next time.