Just another ordinary day

It's New Year's Eve. A night for fancy parties, and annual reflection. A night to make plans for the year ahead. Or so it usually is. With a twelve week old infant, it really is just another ordinary day at home while Daddy goes to work. And I'm ok with that. 

Instead of setting myself up to fail at a bunch of resolutions I won't keep, or spending time thinking...this is the year I'll meet a guy, this is the year I'll buy a house, this is the year I'll get to be a mom—and then being constantly disappointed...well, I finally have all of those things, and I think it's about time I just sit back, relax and enjoy them, don't you? 

I want to let go of perfection (though I can't let go of at least picking up the house, not that I've ever been very good at that, but it's just too small with all the baby stuff not to stay on top of things, but I want to be calm and methodical about it, not uptight and frantic.) I want to breathe deep, and live in the moment. Soak it all in. Shine up my sparkle. I made it. I'm here. I've got not where else to be. Every day is a new adventure now in our little family. 

I want to enjoy the family I've worked so hard to create in the home that I've worked so hard to make, each and every ordinary day. 

Monday Snapshot: Christmas Edition

I'm still pouring through dozens and dozens of photos from this past week of Christmas celebrations. So far, this one stands out as a clear favorite. It's about joy, pure joy. We had a wonderful holiday with Hubby off for the entire week. This was taken on Christmas Eve at my mom's house, where we were for most of the week, just our family of three and Granny. The celebrations wrapped up this weekend with Hubby's family here in Boston. It was a fabulous holiday and Luigi was truly spoiled. But as this photo shows, it's not about the stuff, it's about special time with family with a dash of sparkling lights.

This is a part of PAIL's Monday Snapshot. Stop by to see who is featured and to check out other great snapshots. 

Joy & Cheer

Decking the Halls - Baby Style

This post is for Chon, my partner in creative distraction crime, who asked how my Christmas decorations came out this year. I'll admit, my friend, it was tough to get it all done, and it is an abbreviated version of last year, when I went all out. The decor is also punctuated with a new element this year...baby gear!

Here's the tree, with about 25% of my ornaments left off. I just got tired. The tree does still look plenty full. I guess I have a lot of ornaments! I went future baby proof crazy and cut silver thread to hang all of my ornaments so I could eliminate the wire hangers for next year, when they could be more of an issue. You can see the two teal bins that now sit under the purple chairs which hold blankets and toys in an attempt to keep our small living space neat, at least when we have company. You can also see a hint of the garland in the opening to the dining room, which I kept simple this year, without the lights and ribbon. 

My snowflake wrapping paper stayed up on the the cabinet for the entire year. The colors work so well with the room, that people are kind enough not to notice the snowflakes in the middle of the summer! I'm working on a more long term solution to hide the mess behind that glass door. The shelves are much more accessorized this year than they were last, something I manage to do when I went on leave before Luigi arrived. You can see one of his activity gyms in front of the fire place, currently a permanent fixture in the room. 

Here's the mantel on the fireplace, without the lights and ribbon of last year, but with the addition of Luigi's new stocking. We went for a child theme, instead of blending in with ours, but I love the way the lime green ad the top, and the blue behind the snowman work well with the scheme of our room in general. Of course, it's hard to see how lovely the mantel looks with our favorite swing (one of the only places we get naps right now) blocking the view. 

Here are the shelves to the right of the fireplace, looking quite similar to last year. I finally found a photo for the purple frame. Now I need to frame some photos of Luigi to add. 

And lastly, the dining room, looking very similar to last year as well. My wrapping paper/contact paper place mats held up well enough to be used for another year. Of course, one of the chairs is missing from our table. You can see it in the back with Luigi's seat strapped on. We love this seat by the way. It reclines enough for new babies, so he can always join us as the table. As he grows, we can add the tray, and tilt it more upright. 

So, there you have a little tour of of my simplified Christmas this year. I have to admit, it was hard to motivate to get any of it done, but I love this time of year. It is a time that sparkles all on it's own, and we know that I am in search of new sparkle these days. And since it's Luigi's first, though he'll never remember, I couldn't not do at least a little. We did leave out the outdoor lights in favor of more family time on the weekend. He'll never miss those (even though I do!) 

What have you all done to sparkle it up for the holidays? For those with kids, how has your decor changed?

Monday Snapshot

L and I are taking a class together. It's called Great Beginnings at Isis Parenting, a popular store and center in the Boston area. It's been a great way to get out of the house and meet some other moms, and if course learn some great stuff about babies. This shot shows Luigi showing off at tummy time, which he loves, unlike the rest of the babies in class.

Here's also a bonus shot, which is not a snapshot, but an intentional photo shoot with a little christmas light experiment getting to know my dslr a little better. Next time, I need more lights in the background, but heck, babies give you a small window, you have to work quickly! I was just thrilled to capture a smile or two!

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This post is part of PAIL's Monday Snapshot.

Balance

This post is part of PAIL's Monthly theme post. Stop on over to find out more. The theme this month is about balancing work, life and parenthood. I am still on maternity leave, so I have yet to learn what it is like to balance work and parenthood, but I keep missing out on participating in the monthly posts, so I thought I'd ramble on a bit about what my plan is and why. 

I would love to be a stay at home mom. I always knew that I wanted to be a mom, and although I like what I do for work, because of some lay-offs in my mid-twenties, and a career change in my early thirties, my career hasn't quite blossomed the way I had imagined. I'd be quite content to stay at home with Luigi and work on designing stuff as a hobby/pocket change. 

But alas, I live in metro Boston, where life is expensive, in an age where it's next to impossible for the average family to own a house without two incomes. So, it's back to work I will go...eventually. The gift I have given myself is to not go back to work until Luigi is at least six months old. He's already nine weeks. I just absolutely couldn't fathom having to leave him in a few short weeks, and my heart breaks for anyone who does. 

It's not necessarily easy to make this happen. We'll see how our bank account looks in a few months. But, because I am blessed to live in the great state of Massachusetts, all of our treatments are covered. I'm talking $30 total in co-pays for 3 IVF cycles, plus a few hundred in copays for meds. Seriously, people, you all need to move here. Except for, well, it's expensive and the houses are small! Anyway, because we didn't have to tap into our savings to pay for treatment, I started saving up for Plan B, something that would cost money, like donor eggs or adoption. That is the money we are now using to supplement our income while I am not working. I was also fortunate enough to receive 6 weeks of pay, a well timed referral bonus, and a holiday bonus. Over two months into my leave, and I haven't been without an inflow yet. I do still have about a weeks worth of vacation time I can tap into, but I'm holding off on that for a few more weeks. 

I am very glad to have this opportunity, and to have a husband who is supportive of the decision. I do have to admit though, that at times I feel guilty, like that money should go toward college or retirement savings. At the same time, since I live in the great state of Massachusetts, as soon as we start Luigi in day care, we will be spending about $1,000 a month for only 3 days a week of care. Yes, people, that's $12,000 a year. So, it could be thought that I'm saving us $3000 by taking an extra three months off, right? 

I am also fortunate that my employer seems to love me, and our firm is in a good place right now. During the economic downturn a few years ago, no one would ask for more than the legally required 12 weeks off. There was no guarantee that a job would be waiting for you. And that is a risk I take. When I get in touch in the spring, they may, and have every right to say that they don't have a place for me, or that they are not ready for me, based on what projects we have in the office at that time. But like I said, I'm fairly optimistic that they want me back. I got a good bonus, and a real raise this summer, after a real raise the previous year. Trust me, after the few years we've had with no raises, pay cuts, or cost of living adjustments only, this was a big deal. And it gives me confidence that I will be able to return as planned. 

So, what is the plan when I do go back? My firm is extremely family friendly. Most new moms cut down to working 4 days a week, and I plan to take advantage. We are hoping that my mother-in-law who lives about twenty minutes away, will be able to help out one day a week, leaving us with 3 days of day care. We are still researching our options for that. I should have been on a handful of waiting lists by now. It's that kind of area. But I'm hopeful that it will all work out. I had started the search this summer at the same time I was diagnosed with GD. With all the monitoring appointments I had to go to, there just wasn't time to add day care visits to the mix. I will begin that in full force after the holidays. As for Gramma's help, we really hope it will work out. She just had one knee replaced, and needs to do the other one. I have my doubts that she will be in the right physical shape to care foe Luigi, especially once he is on the go. But I'd like to give her a chance. I know she wants to spend that time with him. Fingers crossed that it all works out. My employer has said that if I need to come back to work slowly, and work my way up, this is an option as well. 

Well, there you have it, the basic logistics. I think because I wish I didn't have to work, it has made it harder for me to motivate to look for day care too. It's like in the back of my mind, if I don't find it, then I need to stay home, right? We probably could swing living on one income, but it would be a big sacrifice. Our retirement and college savings would take a huge hit, and we wouldn't be able to have family vacations, that sort of thing. So, going back at least part of the week really is what's best for our family as a whole. If we have a second child though, that's when it becomes questionable. That's when my income might go entirely toward day care for two. That's when it just wouldn't make sense to me, despite whatever desires I might have for adult stimulation. 

I can't say much more about how I feel about the balance. I do worry about having enough time for Luigi on work days. Hubby and I have always been really bad about routines, and we're not morning people. We will have to make some adjustments in order to have time to spend with Luigi before bedtime. Our current MO is to work until 6, which doesn't leave a lot of time to feed and hang out with a kid who goes to bed at 7, right? I'm sure we will work it all out when the time comes, as we always do some how. 

I'm sorry this feels like  bit of a ramble. It's hard to find time to sit down and write a cohesive thought. I'm taking advantage of Luigi and Hubby not being up yet. I snuck downstairs to pump and type because I really do want to participate more actively with PAIL.

Two Months

In honor of Luigi turning two months old today, I thought I'd share his birth announcement, which I just got printed (from my favorite print on anything website, Zazzle, click here for my own designs available for sale) and am working on getting out in the mail. This is on one side (edited slightly to maintain my anonymity of course!). The other is our Christmas card, which I will share closer to the holiday.

The photo was taken by my best friend C, who came over for the day when L was 2.5 weeks old. I'll share more of the pictures another time. She got some really cure shots.

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Luigi, your second month was just as amazing as the first, though I'm feeling slightly more awake than I was last month! I might just be getting the hang of this motherhood thing. You're really getting out and about in the world now. You've been out to lunch in restaurants a few times, once with five of my coworkers, and were so great each time. You've been to my office and Daddy's to make the rounds so everyone could oooh and ahhh over you. You celebrated your first Thanksgiving at Uncle J's house. You had your first play date with our friend J and her twins, W & V. And we've started taking a weekly class together, where we're meeting all sorts of new moms and babies. Yesterday, you even survived your first trip to the mall. You slept the whole time. You are still a magic baby!

You have really started to smile a lot, and will do so in reaction to certain things now. You especially like when I sing "Rudolph" to you while I'm changing you. I touch your nose every time I mention Rudolph's, and you smile almost every time. You're also really happy in the morning, when Daddy and I put you in your highchair and you sit at the table with us while we eat breakfast.

You do often hate to have your diaper changed. At least at home. You will often scream until it's all over. You've been kind to me when I have to do it in public. The first time was in the bathroom at my office when we were visiting. You were getting ready to let out a wail when you came face to face with your reflection and were completely enthralled. I still need to get a mirror for your changing table. You also hate to have a wet diaper, and will start a slow whimper with the action of peeing, which turns to a full wail by the time you feel your wet diaper. Thankfully, this doesn't happen every.single.time you pee, because often after eating, you will pee twice in the course of ten minutes or so! We are changing a lot of diapers.

We have started to teach you sign language, and you really seem to pay attention to our hands and what they are doing. It will be awhile before you are able to sign back, though. The signs we're working on are mommy, daddy, kitty, change, diaper, all done, hungry, more, and milk. We'll add a few more at a time once you develop some specific interests.

You've been playing a lot on your activity mat this month, flailing your arms about, and managing to hit the dangling toys. I don't think you realize yet that you are the one making them move. But you seem to have fun. You have managed to grip tightly on to some of the links that hold them as well. It's a good thing I wear my hair up usually, because I dread the day you get a grip like that on it! Ouch!

You're also a master of tummy time. Your head control is awe inspiring, and you sometimes pump your arms and legs like you are crawling. Unfortunately (or not) you are a bit of a beached whale lying on your not so little belly!

My little man, every day is a new adventure. You are getting some predictable routines, like needing a nap a half hour to an hour after you eat, and then eating again when you wake from that, but we're still working on that routine happening at a predictable time each day. I love every minute we have together, even when you are fussy, because I get to cuddle you and hold you close, trying to make it all better. I know those tiny little cuddles won't last forever. But I am so enjoying seeing your personality develop. So far, you seem to be quite serious a lot of the time, just taking in the world around you, but when you smile...it melts my heart. I cannot wait until those smiles are accompanied by giggles. I'm looking forward to what your third month brings!

I love you!

*hoping to work on our 2 month photos later this morning. I'll let you all know when they are up.

PAIL Vlogiversary

This is my submission for PAIL's 6 Month Vlogiversary. It's my first time uploading a video, so hopefully it works out ok. I'm looking forward to watching all the submissions, probably from my iPhone in the middle of the night while feeding Luigi!

Happy 6 months PAIL!

PS: watching it back, I so needed some makeup. But alas, that doesn't happen on a typical day around here. Oh well!

Number Two

I've been thinking about ttc number two literally since I was 8 weeks pregnant with Luigi, when we had our final appointment with our RE, and she said she wanted us back in as soon as I was finished breast feeding. That seemed really fast to me, but given what it took to bring Luigi into the world, and the fact that Hubby is about to turn 44, if we do in fact want a second child, that is the course we need to take. I was again reminded of number two when I was being discharged from the hospital and was asked what I was doing for birth control. Right now, the answer is nothing. Is that the right decision?

So, that is now the question. The question that has been playing over and over in my mind for the last 8 weeks, at times distracting me from the greatest joy of my life. I'm sick of the distraction. I'm sick of feeling anxious about it. And that means it's time to blog it out so I can stop obsessing and live in the now with my darling son.

Do I really want another child?

I always thought I wanted to have two kids, a boy and a girl, of course. I mean, you all know that I wanted a girl. Look at the name of my blog.

But now, I'm just not so sure.

Hubby and I both have great relationships with our younger brothers, and we wanted that for our son. I don't want him to have to be an only child, although we all know that I might not have a choice in that matter. But does that mean that I shouldn't give it my best effort? I live in a state with coverage. How can I not take advantage.

But then, when is enough enough, and what is enough?

Luigi is enough. He is a miracle. He is magic. He is enough, and I don't ever want him to think that he isn't. Part of me feels that going through treatments before he is even a year old might make him feel like he isn't. It will take me away and distract me from valuable time with him when he is so young. And we just don't have the luxury to wait to try to space out a sibling until he is a little bit older.

What if the first try doesn't work? I don't want to go back to that dark, sad place. I want to move on, live in joy, experience the magic of watching my son explore the world. He deserves to have parents that are present and joyous, not preoccupied and depressed. How long do we commit to trying before we say enough is enough, and we have enough already to be satisfied.

Not to mention that financially, we'll have so much more to offer him if we stick with our family of three. We'll be able to take vacations and contribute more to college. Our little house won't feel too crowded to soon.

But is it fair to deprive him of the chance at a sibling because I'm worried about money or my house feeling too small? What is more important? Family or a contribution to college?

My other concern is caring for a newborn when L is less than two, and actively running around our house. Although I am becoming more confident every day, I am terrible at being sleep deprived, and being pregnant was not easy, especially with gestational diabetes. That's not to say I'd get it again. It's so hard for me to imagine being pregnant or caring for an infant with a two or less year old running around actively wanting attention. I know that people do it all the time. But right now, it just seems like the hardest thing I could imagine living through.

Again, is it fair of me to deprive Luigi of a chance at a sibling because I'm tired and can't imagine caring for two babies at once? Is it selfish of me, or is it to his benefit that he will have more opportunities in life if he does remain an only child?

All of this worry could be for not—just because I might decide to try doesn't mean it's going to work. Isn't that the curse of anxiety? Worrying about things that might never happen and over which we have no control anyway.

But I do have control over whether or not I try, and just how hard I do. I just don't know what I will decide.

It's ok though, I don't have to decide right now. I want to breastfeed for six months, so I've got another four to go before it's time to call Dr. A. If by some chance our lack of birth control results in a miracle before then, I will consider that fate's decision.

Right, I don't have to decide right now. What I have to do is enjoy every second with my little guy, because no matter what the future holds for our little family, I already have enough.

Monday Snapshot

Hubby took Luigi to his brother's yesterday afternoon for a little football and male bonding while I got a nice long uninterrupted nap! Doesn't L look adorable showing his team spirit?

Sleep is getting a little better around here in general, as we're starting to get some 6-7 hour stretches between the bedtime feeding and the early morning. On nights when L does still want to eat around midnight, Hubby has been giving him a bottle. There are days when I almost feel human again!

This post is part of PAIL's Monday Snapshot

Coming out of the fog

That is not to say of course, that we are getting anything that resembles adequate sleep around here yet, but we've made a lot of progress toward re-entering life outside of eating, sleeping and pooping! And I'm just starting to feel a wee bit like a normal human again.

The week before Thanksgiving week, L and I got out of the house on our own twice (aside from our daily weather permitting walks of course)! It was huge progress for me, especially given it was the first time I drove since he was born. It was nothing exciting, just a trip to the doctor for his one month appointment, and an ultrasound to check his kidney one day. The next was to attend a breast feeding support group at our hospital in hopes of breaking the shield habit, followed by my 6 week post-partum appointment. Everything looked good for me, and I was given the go ahead to resume all normal activities. I was also asked what we want to do for birth control. The obvious answer to an infertile is to laugh, and say nothing, or course. Which is what I did. But the idea of number two right now is a lot more mixed up in my head than I thought it would be, and merits another post the next time I have a few minutes with two hands free! I should say, all was fine except being a bit borderline on the post-partum depression questionnaire I was asked to fill out. It was honestly no surprise to me. Dr. S and I had a good chat and opted not to take any action yet, since I had finally started to feel like I could get out into the world, and have started to gain confidence. Not to mention the fact that Hubby and I are well versed at dealing with anxiety and depression, so I'd like to think I'll know if I really need help, but he's keeping a close eye on me as well.

That weekend, we also made it out to a family outing with Hubby's family, at his Aunt's house, where L got to meet many of his relatives, and pose for a picture with his three fellow great-grandsons on that side of the family. It was a rough day for me, just making sure he was ok, and feeling quite tired. My best naps have been occurring in the afternoon, sometime after lunch, and I have learned that it is not wise, or easy to miss them. Hubby was kind to me, and we did make it home by 4 that afternoon, so I was able to sleep before dinner.

Last week, was another busy week. On Tuesday, we had our first playdate, with my friend J (met through our Resolve peer group) and her twelve week old twins, W and V. They are adorable, and it was really fun to have them over, and have a little new mom chat in between lots of diapers, pacifiers, and feedings. Watching her constantly attending to one of the her two really gave me some insight into what it would be like to actually have twins. I'm not sure I could handle it. Seriously. Yet another factor to discuss when I manage to sort out those thoughts about number two.

We also went to visit my workplace and have lunch with some of my coworkers. L did great at his first restaurant lunch. It was well timed so he'd be hungry pretty much when we go there, and I was prepared with bottles so I didn't have to nurse. He was an angel. We also go through our first public bathroom diaper change back at my office. It was too adorable. He often hates to be changed, and screams bloody murder until it's over. I had set him up on the counter in the bathroom in front of a huge full wall mirror. Just as he arched his back and turned his head, ready to let out a wail, he came face to face with his reflection and was completely engrossed for the entire change. It was the cutest thing, and I definitely need to put up a mirror by his changing table at home!

Having a play date and a restaurant outing did wonders for my confidence. We can actually survive out of the house, and not just at the home of a relative. This week, comes our next big step, which is our Great Beginnings class at Isis parenting. It will be an adventure to get out of the house by 9 am on Thursday for the next 8 weeks, but I am very much looking forward to meeting some other new moms, and having some fun with L.

I had more in my head that I wanted to write, but I am in a sleep and food deprived fog, as I am sitting here in the lab at the hospital for my 2 hour glucose test to confirm that the GD is gone. I've been here since 7:50. I was supposed to start the test at 8, but they lost my orders and I started an hour late. Not happy about that, especially since I've essentially been up since 3:00 am. Thanks hungry boy!

So, the last few random thoughts I will leave you with are some areas on which I'm looking for advice. First of all, I'm not planning to go back to work until May. But I want to incorporate pumping for days like today when I have to leave L at home for a bit, and so that Hubby can do an occasional feeding so I can get more sleep. I'm having trouble figuring out a good routine to fit it in, especially when I miss a feeding and then have to make up for it by pumping. It becomes hard to then fit in an extra pumping to add to my stash. I'm totally paranoid that if I'm not regular enough about it, I'm going to affect my supply.

The other issue that we're starting to deal with is establishing a bedtime routine. We've been all over the place so far, mostly because he seems to eat a slightly different times from day to day. L sleeps, but if he's not in a deep, deep sleep when we put him down, he wakes, and wants to be with us. I never thought I would bring him to bed with me as much as I have ended up doing, but it happens for at least part of the night most days. I have opted in favor of more sleep for me, rather than staying up for an hour to sooth him back down so he'll stay in his crib in our room. It works for now, but I'm worried about what we're setting ourselves up for. I'd be curious to hear any similar experiences out there.

All right, that didn't entirely end up becoming the post I had planned, but as I said, I'm coming out of the fog, but it's still lingering for sure! Hoping to have more interesting things to say more frequently when I can get more sleep!

I'll leave you with a few photos from the last few weeks.

Quick Note

Luigi's one month photos have been added to my last post in case anyone is interested. I'm still getting the hang of my DSLR, so it will be interesting to see if my shots improve as the months go by.

I'm hoping for a longer post soon telling you about some of our adventures. L and I are heading out of the house for more than just a walk, just the two of us, for the second time this week! Wish us luck!

More soon.

One Month

My darling little Luigi Limoncello, you are one month old today. How time has flown. You are such a good boy. You really only cry when you're hungry or your diaper is dirty or you're gassy. On occasion you will be fussy for 20 minutes or so, which for your age is pretty darn incredible. But usually as soon as we figure out what's wrong it's like a switch was flipped and you were never upset. You can go from purple faced and screaming to pale and calm in literally one second flat.

There are so many details I want to burn into my brain so I never forget.

I love the way you used to grab the strap of my tank top when we nursed in the football hold in the first few days you were home. It felt like you were trying to hold me close. Now you tend to wrap your little arms around my breast like you're hugging it, leaning your cheek on your lower arm. Of course sometimes it takes you a while to settle down to eat and you end up punching and scratching me for a while first. I'll try not to hold this against you.

I love the little hungry grunts you make as you find my breast and figure out it's time to latch. Sometimes it almost sounds like you are saying "mmm, mmm, mmm." And when you are alert when we start, you raise your eyebrows and scrunch your forehead like you're getting down to some serious business.

I love the dramatic way you tell me you're done eating. With a gasp and a squeal, you pull yourself off and roll away from my body with a very serious and satisfied look. Your cheeks are smooshed and your face is dripping with milk. You bring your hands up to your face and then slowly stretch them above you head and you arch your back up. It is the sweetest thing. After you finish your ritual, you are often at your most alert.

You have amazing strength in your head, and I swear you could almost roll yourself over simply from the momentum you get from swinging it around. You get some good motion going from kicking your legs as well. Sometimes when we hold you up, you even support your weight for a few minutes as you stand.

In the last week or so, we have started to spend time on your activity mat. You wildly swing your arms and sometimes manage to make the toys move, though you have no idea that's what you did.

You really like white noise. We have a sleep sheep that plays a bunch of different sounds. Your favorite seems to be the whales. Someday we'll bring you on a whale watch of the coast of Boston.

Yesterday, I think you smiled. You were content, and not at all gassy, and you broke out into the biggest grin. It was the sweetest thing ever.

I love the way your butt sticks up into the air when you snuggle into my chest, with your little legs tucked under. You often curl your hand up in front of your face, and wiggle your fingers like you are playing an instrument.

Sometimes when you sleep, you squawk and grunt if someone touches you or moves you, but you usually settle right back down. If we are out for a walk and the sun hits your face, you do the same thing. I hope this doesn't mean you are a vampire.

You are starting to find your voice, and occasionally are letting out real coos instead of just grunts and squawks. I can't wait to hear how your voice develops.

We have a lot of nicknames for you so far. Leo Burrito, Leo Monster, Squirmy Wormy, Little Man, Sweet Pea, Peanut and Buddy just to name a few.

My Little Man, it's been quite an amazing month. You've already been to Friendly's, on a road trip to Granny's in NY, to visit Gramma in rehab, and to see Great Grampa Louis, aside from various doctor's appointments. You've met a good chunk of Daddy's family, as well as getting to spend a day with Uncle W when he was in town from England on business. You've suffered through countless photo shoots, and proudly wore your lion costume on your first Halloween. Yes, my Leo the Lion, your Mommy really is just that cheesy.

It's been one heck of an amazing month. I can't wait to see what your second month brings! I love you Sweet Pea!

* I plan to do some sort of monthly theme photo, but since we're still at Granny's until tomorrow, this has to wait a few days until I get back to my good camera. Stay tuned!

I wanna go home!

It's lovely being here with my mom, but I miss hubby! He finished his work a day early and I can't help but feel frustrated that I have to spend six nights away from home because he needed to be gone for two. I wish I had felt ready to handle it on my own.

But I didn't.

I wish there were more people locally I felt comfortable asking for help. I wish my mom lived closer. I wish, I wish, I wish.

The reality is that I'm fighting a cold, and it is nice to have my mom to take care of me. I'm able to get in a few more naps than I usually manage to take at home. In fact, it's about all I'm doing aside from feeding Luigi.

What frustrates me though is that I could have been home by now, nursing Luigi from the comfort of my own bedroom. Hubby was done by noon today, and could have picked me up before two to head back to Boston by dinner. Except that there's this darn nor'easter snowing and sleeting down the entire mass pike. If it were just the two of us, we would have driven in the storm. But with luigi, a giant ladder strapped to the top of the truck from the job hubby was doing, and my high levels if anxiety which currently include an extreme paranoia of car accidents, we decided I should stay put with the little man, giving hubby the chance to actually make it home before the storm. We also would have had to leave most likely before my mom got home from work. And the thought of her coming home expecting to see her grandson and not being able to kiss him goodbye made me weepy all over again.

Hubby offered to come back and get me since she's already been out to us twice in the last month and she doesn't love the drive. So, now instead of getting home on Friday, I have to wait until Saturday, when I could be home now! See, frustration!

All right, little man is done eating. Time to go back to bed! Thanks for letting me vent!

Making progress

Well we finally made it out of the house. It was a bigger adventure than I bargained for and it was a little bit frustrating but L did great job. We took him to visit grandma who is in rehab recovering from knee surgery. Hubby's brother came with us and his dad was visiting at the same time. I nursed in public with a cover and we even did a diaper change with an enormous poop With no accidents. The frustrating part was that my mother in law double booked her mother sister and cousin to visit at the same time. We rearranged our schedule so as not to overlap with them because I felt it was too chaotic. But of course when it came time for us to leave and her mother had not arrived yet she laid on the guilt that we couldn't possibly leave before her mother had a chance to see the baby. I'm pretty sure the double booking was intentional and not just a painkiller drug-induced mix up. We stayed longer than I wanted to just long enough so that great grandma got a chance to hold the baby. I did not appreciate feeling manipulated. And you can bet I will be holding my ground in the future.

The second part of our outing was to visit great grandpa Louie. It was well worth it just to see how adorable he was holding Luigi. But it made for really long day and I missed my afternoon nap and had a bit of a meltdown because of it. I was patted myself for getting out but I realized that I need to be more aware of my own needs in the future. Two separate visits in one day might be a bit much right now.

Right now I'm at my mom's in upstate New York. Hubby had to go out of town for a few nights for work and I was not ready to be by myself 24/7. He drove us out here on Sunday and Luigi did awesome in the car. He slept the whole way! Of course that meant the night was not as awesome. But we're hanging in and had a good day yesterday. My mom is bringing us home on Friday. I'm trying to relax and get as much sleep as possible away from my house and away from chores. Next week when we're back, I'm hoping to focus on establishing a bit more of a routine. It has to be possible, right? I'm also planning to attend a breast-feeding support group to learn how to get rid of the shield. Enough already! (And thanks Kerry for all the awesome breast-feeding and travel advice!)

Luigi is four weeks old today can you believe it? How time flies! I still haven't figured out how I want to handle his monthly photos. I need to come up with something quick because we need to do it this weekend! Clearly I have decided that weekly photos is way too much to handle!! But I am hoping to write a monthly post to document all the great things about Luigi. We'll see how prompt I am with that!

One last thing this entire post was written by dictating one sentence at a time on my iPhone. It might not sound like my usual writing style. But it's a heck of a lot easier to pull off while breast feeding!

You forgave me, right?

This is what my mom said in response to my story about the first time I tried to take a shower while home alone with L. He had been asleep in the beco carrier for a good long while. I had started a load of laundry, managed a few other chores, and even had a few minutes to retouch some Halloween photos. I knew I was pushing my luck and that he would want to eat soon. But that also meat it could be hours before I might actually get in the shower, which is still only he opening every other day. So I took my handed and put him in his crib, grabbed the monitor and headed to the bathroom. By the time I was undressed, I could see his eyes were opening. But I got in anyway. He started screaming, and I tried to be as fast as I could. His screaming led to me sobbing and getting soap in my eyes. When I was all done, I barely dried off and ran to his room to scoop him up, feeling horrible.

"You forgave me, right?" said my mom.

I guess she has a point. I have no recollection of being left to scream while my mom showered or peed.

It's just that we worked so darn hard for this little guy, and despite the fact that I'm taking a half a year off, I can't help but feel that my time with him is so fleeting. I don't ever want to be the one to make him sad.

* * *

I can't seem to get a handle in the weeping. We're three weeks in and I feel absolutely no control over my emotions. The reality is. We're doing great. L and I have yet to make it through an entire work day alone, thanks to hubby working from him during Sandy, and coming home for lunch yesterday. He's a really good baby. He has some fussy moments in the evening, but nothing inconsolable yet, knock on wood. We bought a cosleeper for our bed, so he sleeps for good chunks at night without being on one of us. He's pretty darn awesome all in all.

And his mommy can't stop crying.

I'm definitely stressed out because hubby needs do spend at least one night, if not more, out of town next week for work. We're trying to coordinate with my mom to come say again, but the scheduling is really tricky, and I'm terrified of being alone with L over night after being alone all day. Hubby is so much better at calming him at night when he fusses than I am. I still don't feel fully mobile. I've barely had to make myself one meal in over three weeks. It overwhelming. And it makes me sad that I don't feel like I have more of a local support system. Hubby's mom is here, but just had her knee replaced, so she's laid up in rehab for a few weeks.

Aside from this situation, it's so hard for me to ever imagine getting out of the house for more than an hour stretch. Nursing with the nipple shield is such a process. I feel like I need to have everything arranged just so to be prepared to be confined to my chair for an hour. I can't fathom needing to do that out of the comfort of my home. I guess I could start pumping and brin bottles with me when I go out, but I need to understand better if I should hen pump while I'm out after he eats anyway, or could that wait til I get home? There is a breastfeeding support group I want to start going to to get help losing the shield, among other things. But then I'd have to leave the house on my own. I haven't driven in over three weeks!

The other thing that freaks me out are diaper changes. I've established a strategy to make sure L doesn't pee in his face, but three times yesterday, he did pee during the change and messed his clothes. What if I bring him to a friends house and he pees all over their stuff?

I so wanted to be a confident mom who was not afraid to go out into the world while L is small and portable, but instead, I feel like a weepy, anxiety ridden recluse. I keep telling myself that the weepy is hormonal, and it will go away soon. It will, right?

And L will forgive me too.

* * *

A few more Halloween shots to share because I just can't get enough of my precious boy.

My intense eater

Does this kid looked stressed out about eating or what? He has this adorable furrowed brow and such intensity. He's a baby on a mission!

Monday Snapshot

This is part of the PAIL Bloggers Monday Snapshot series.

My little Leo the Lion gave his Halloween costume a test drive this week. I prefer to think that he's letting out a fierce lion roar as opposed to screaming his head off that he's had enough of the photoshoots already!

He's too little for parties or trick or treating, but he will be wearing this again in Wednesday, and I'll certainly be posing him with al of his zoo stuffed animals! Ah, the torture.

Mid-night Thoughts

Not much time to write these days, so while I sit here at 2:30 am nursing my darling Luigi, I thought I'd try for some bullet points. (Or not since I don't know how to do them from my phone)

Thank goodness for my phone! It is my savior during night feeding sessions. And I bought this awesome app called baby connect which has the ability to keep track of everything. I highly recommend. I use it to track diapers and feeding, even which boob I left off on. Definitely worth $5 because you can also access info online or sync to other phones so other caregivers can add info.

I live in nursing tanks and yoga pants. I got a bunch of tanks from destination maternity when they had a nursing event. Highly recommend. I never put on a bra, and only have one nursing bra that I don't even like. Can't seem to find one in the right size on line, not ready to venture out into the world to try to be fitted. Did by a sleep nursing bra that I think I may actually wear during the day. Is it weird that I don't feel the need for a lot of support?

Nursing is going better, but we're addicted to the shield. It makes the whole thing such a process. I can't just whip out the boob and go. I don't have high hopes of getting rid of it anytime soon, there's just not enough nipple to encourage Luigi to suckle, even if he were to calm down enough to latch well without it. Oh we'll. so be it. We stopped pumping for now at least, so the entire process has been simpler. I'm going to add back a pump session or two in another week or so to start building a freezer stash so I can have breaks occasionally.

I have lost all my pregnancy weight plus an additional 6.5 lbs. (c.hon, don't hate me! I have wicked stretch marks!) it's craziness. Had I known breastfeeding was this magical, I would have just pumped years ago! I also credit some of the dietary changes I was forced into but have kept up due to the GD.

I haven't worn makeup since the day before my cervical ripening. I do not recognize my eyes without mascara. I often have my hair up in a messy bun and have leak spots all over my shirt. And I don't care one little bit.

I only manage to shower every other day. I did manage to shave my legs once so far. Ah, heaven.

I'm taking pain mess less and less, but still a little achy here and there. My incision is healing well though, and the tape was removed on Monday. So much more comfortable now! But itchy.

My little man is doing awesome. He gained a little over a half a pound nice coming home and weighed in at 9.5 lbs in Monday. He's holding steady at about the 75th percentile.

He loves to sleep and I often have to wake him to eat. He often has a compete meltdown at the boob and I feel like I'm torturing him while he gags and coughs and cries while I hold him in place until he calms down enough to realize its time to start sucking. Once he does settle, his little coos and the way he puts his hand against my breast are the sweetest things ever.

At night, he refuses to go back to sleep in the pack n play after nursing. (Altough after i wrote this he did!) He wants to be on us, and seems gassy at times, so he wants to be on his belly or up. I have taken to sleeping a few stretches in the recliner where I nurse him.

He is the sweetest little boy, and so far really only cries for good reason. Although he can't stand to have a dirty diaper for more than ten seconds and he farts a lot which generates lots of little poops.

He likes being in the beco carrier, and I love it. We get cuddles and I can get a few chores done

We are loving our summer infant swadde-mes. So easy to use and they calm him right down, although I think he'll out grow them soon already! Much easier than trying to keep a blanket swaddle from coming apart.

He has great moments of being alert after eating. I could just stare at his little face all day long.

It's all the best thing ever.

And that's enough random rambles for now. Here's some photos as reward, with a focus on mom being in the picture every now and then in all o my glory!

Birth Story Part Two

For Part One of the Birth Story, click here.

Once Dr. S came back around noon, and determined that I had stopped progressing, it was a bit of a whirlwind. We had already had plenty of time to come to grips with the c-section result. We had expressed a desire to try a vaginal delivery, but not to be fool hardy about it. So, there was no need to debate. Daddy packed up all of our stuff to be brought to our final post-partum room while the nurse busily began prepping me for surgery. I was wheeled down the corridor toward the OR, and we passed the original antenatal nurse on the way, the one who didn't think my water had broken. She seemed surprised to see us. 

Once we got to the OR wing, Daddy was given scrubs to change into and they brought me into the the OR and transferred me to the operating table. They gave me more anesthesia, which was great, because I was really feeling pain in that window by that point. They put up a drape to block my view, and tested to make sure I was numb, and then brought your Daddy in. I felt some weird tugging and pressure, and we over come with emotion. I couldn't believe that it had been more than 3 years since we actively started trying to become parents, and we were just moments away from meeting you. I had a similar reaction on the day you were transferred back into my uterus. Just pure waves of overwhelmed emotion taking over every ounce of my being. There's really no other way to describe it. The anesthesiologist was over my shoulder, and she said something like "just one more minute and you'll be a mom!" 

And then, there you were! At 12:51 in the afternoon. They held you up quickly over the drape so I could get a quick look at you before they brought you to the other side of the room to examine you. I could immediately hear your tears, which brought me the greatest sense of relief. Daddy went across the room with you so he could see you and take some pictures. I could hear them talking, saying how pink you were, and how cute. Daddy told them they were just saying that, and they said no, they don't make that up. If a baby is not cute, they find something else to say, like "oh, you look just like your mommy." I might be a bit biased, but you really are pretty darn cute. 

At some point, they asked what your name was. I think I mumbled that Daddy had to tell them, because I was going to be too emotional. One of us managed to get out that your name is Leo. My little Leo. Oh, how I love you!

After they were done checking you out, and weighed, coming in a 9 lbs. 3 oz, they wrapped you up and were able to place you on my chest for a bit, while they finished sewing me up. I couldn't see you, because you were right up against my face, but I could feel your soft little head against my cheek. It is, and always will be one of the most amazing feelings ever. 

Daddy took you after that, and held you so I could see you a little bit better. I started to feel a little bit woozy and light headed, so they gave me some medicine for that, and some of the details are a bit blurry. I also started to shake quite a bit, which was normal, but freaky! We were finally brought to the recovery room, where they checked vitals on both of us, and finally put you on my chest for some skin to skin time, and to try to breast feed. They only gave us a few short minutes to try, because your blood sugar was very low, and their protocol dictated that you be given some formula immediately. I wasn't thrilled about that, but ultimately, I was ok with doing what needed to be done to keep you with me, and not have you be send to the special care nursery for monitoring. A half hour or so later, they tested you again, and needed to give you more formula, but your sugar was much closer to the cutoff at that point, so you were headed in the right direction. Daddy took a bunch of photos of us, and the nurse took a few of the three of us together. Our first family portrait, of which there are many to come, little man!

Finally, they determined that we were set to be transferred to the post partum wing, where we would stay for the next four nights, until 10/13, which was your official due date. We tried to nurse again, and my suspicions were correct. My nipples are a bit flat, which was causing us some difficulty. The nurse put us on the list for the lactation consultant to come by in the morning. Daddy and I took turns snuggling you, and Daddy took on changing your first diaper without any help at all. It was the first diaper he'd ever changed in his life, and he was amazing. He has really taking to being a dad in the most natural way. It melts my heart. He spent a ton of time with you skin to skin in the first few days, as did I, and we all really enjoy it. We credit this with helping to stabilize your sugar and keeping you with us instead of in the nursery. 

The next few days were somewhat of a blur, with lots of vital checks for both of us, many nursing attempts, endless cuddles and naps. We kept you in the room with us almost the entire time except for when we attended two classes that were offered on infant care and breastfeeding. They also took you out of the room for a bit every night to weigh you.

We were a little bit up and down, getting the nursing started, and the lactation consultant recommended a breast shield to help you latch on, and that I pump after each feeding and give you that. She even secured us a brand new pump covered by our insurance that we could bring home with us, and brought it right to our room. You also ended up with a bit of jaundice in the hospital, probably due to you not being well hydrated due to our nursing issues, and therefore not pooping out enough of the bilirubin. It was frustrating, because in all honesty, jaundice is fairly common, but the nursing staff kept freaking us out about you having to be taken to the special care nursery if we didn't supplement with formula as soon as possible. And every single nurse (three shifts a day) who came into the room had a slightly different philosophy about what was best for you, and how best to combine nursing and pumping. Just when we thought we had something figured out, someone else would come in and suggest something different. We did our best to stick to our instincts and navigate all of the various advice, but I can't deny that it was frustrating. 

At your lowest weight, you dropped to 8 lbs. 8 oz. I can't remember anymore what day that was, but we did end up giving you a bottle or two of formula somewhere in there, and your weight began to climb again, topping out at 8 lbs. 13 oz when we were finally discharged from the hospital. We were so proud of you. 

While we were in the hospital, you had lots of visitors. On Wednesday, when you were just a day old, your Gramma, Great-Gramma and Great Aunt N came to visit. You were such a good boy while they all cuddled with you. The next day, Gramma came back with Grampa, Great-Grampa Louis and Uncle J. Great-Grampa had the biggest smile on his face. He was so excited to meet you. My friend from work, J9, also came by one evening to see you. She brought a bottle of wine for Daddy and me, saying she'd already brought enough for you...which she had! It was nice for me to have a friend visit since my side of the family is not near by, but your Granny was just counting the minutes until she headed into town to meet you. We told her she should wait until we were home from the hospital because we would need her help much more then. 

Finally, it was Saturday, October 13, 2012, your official due date. You passed your weigh-in and bilirubin test with flying colors, and we were discharged to let you come home. We got you all dressed, wearing the special green sweater that your cousin S made for you. You were so content as we strapped you into the car seat, and didn't make a peep for the entire 15 minute ride home. By around 1:00pm in the afternoon, we were home, finally a family of three! 20 minutes later, Granny arrived from Albany and set about taking care of all three of us. I cannot begin to put into words how amazing it is to have you with us. I could sit and cuddle with you, and stare at your beautiful face all day. The little coos and grunts you make are the sweetest sounds I have ever heard 

* * *

Leo, you have now been home for nearly an entire week. We are settling into life as a family of three, and it is going quite well. We're getting the hang of nursing finally, and I've not needed to pump for a few days. I still need to get better at changing your diaper, but Daddy is quite a pro by now. You really are the sweetest little boy, and are quite content most of the time. However, you don't like to have your diaper changed one little bit, and will scream bloody murder until you have clothes back on again. But you are also extremely unhappy if your diaper is the tiniest hint dirty. You also make fussy little faces when we shift your position, but usually you settle right back down. We've taken you in the car a few times, and you do great. You also like naps in your stroller, but you will grimace when the sun hits your face. You get the hiccups about once a day, and seem to be a bit gassy at times. We're working on burping you more productively. You're favorite place to sleep is on us, but you will sleep just about anywhere, and have been enjoying your swing quite a bit. I get overcome with emotion multiple times a day at the miracle that you are and at how truly grateful I am to finally have you in my life. 

Mommy loves you Leo, probably more than you will ever know. 

Some pictures

Forty Weeks - Birth Story Part One

My darling little Luigi, you are here! I am beyond emotional at the meaning of that statement. You are more than I ever could have imagined. This last week has been truly one of the most amazing of my life.

I already told you that your journey out of my belly began last weekend when we spent Sunday in the antenatal department so that I could receive medication in order to ripen my cervix in preparation for inducing labor that would kick you out of my belly before your due date. That night was pretty uneventful. We did some last minute prep around the house, picking up in anticipation of being gone for a few days. Things began to get interesting around 3:00 am on Monday, 10/8. I woke up to pee, as I always would, but I was feeling very crampy. When I stood up, I felt a little bit of fluid, in three little trickles. I didn't really think it was my water breaking, but I wasn't sure.

Back in bed, I was unable to fall asleep due to feeling mild contractions approximately every 2 to 3 minutes. Now, these were mild, but we had been told that regular contractions lasting 1 minute at 5 minutes apart for an hour meant it was time to go to the hospital. I was not sure what to make of mine that were more frequent, but not yet lasting a full minute. I spent some time surfing on my phone, reading about water breaking, and decided that I should call the doctor, just to be on the safe side, even though we were due to go back to the hospital to be checked at 8:00 am. The nurse told us that we should head in, but we didn't have to rush. We could eat and take a shower first. Daddy yelled down from the bedroom to ask me who the heck I was talking to at 4 in the morning. It was kind of funny. I think because you were supposed to be induced, he wasn't expecting a middle of the night departure!

We arrived at the ER entrance of the hospital around 5 or so in the morning. My contractions were getting more and more uncomfortable, but still manageable. I was able to walk. We were escorted back to the maternity floor and brought into another room in antenatal. They checked me and confirmed that my water had not in fact broken, and that it was just some irritation from the procedure the day before. But they put us on the monitor to make sure you were doing ok and to see what my contractions were doing. Because my contractions were so frequent, it was determined that they would not be able to repeat the ripening procedure from the day before. Clearly, it wasn't needed anyway. But, my contractions, although they had gotten more and more intense the entire time we were at the hospital, and were starting to become difficult for me to manage, were not deemed active labor yet, and we were encouraged to head home for at least a few hours to try to rest. Sleep sounded like a wonderful idea, but I was doubtful I would get any. The contractions had been keeping me awake since 3, and had only gotten more and more intense, and were still 2-3 minutes apart, giving me very little break in between to work with the natural pain management we had learned about in our child birth class. But, home we went, at around 8:30 in the morning.

I got into the shower for a bit, hoping it would help. In addition to the contractions, I was feeling constant pain in my lower back. I kept wanting to lean forward into some of the poses we'd practiced, but the weight of you in my belly, my big adorable baby, made it too uncomfortable. Daddy brought one of our lawn chairs into the tub to see if it would help me to sit. But I was just too worked up, and opted to head back to bed. It was just too hard to be upright. Daddy got me a heating pad and spent a lot of time massaging my back as I tried to breathe through the pain. I was not surprised that there was no sleep to be had.

After a few hours, Daddy suggested that maybe watching some of my guilty pleasure, General Hospital, might help to distract me. I tried to get comfortable in the recliner in the living room, and Daddy made me some lunch, a turkey sandwich with the crust cut off (your dad is so sweet), and some apple slices. I kept feeling the urge to use the bathroom, and got the feeling that this meant things were picking up. The pace of my contractions had remained steady for hours, but the intensity was definitely increasing. It might be more information that you would ever want to know, but every time I did get up to use the bathroom, the pee and poop were just falling from my body. During one of those trips, I heard a huge plop into the toilet and confirmed that I lost my mucus plug. I told Daddy we should call the doctor back because that was one of the events listed on my discharge paperwork as a reason to call again. Since it was Columbus Day, we had to call the answering service and wait for the nurse to call back. By that point, I was lying on the couch, with the heating pad, trying to breathe but mostly moaning through what felt like almost constant pain. It was somewhere around 3 in the afternoon. Daddy spoke with the nurse, who seemed unimpressed about the mucus plug, until she heard me moaning in the background and asked if that was me. She and Daddy decided that we should track my progress for one more hour to get a good count on what was happening with the contractions.

During that last hour, I continued to feel the need to head to the bathroom repeatedly. One of those times, there was some greenish yellow liquid in the toilet. It struck me as a bit odd because I had been peeing too much for my urine to be such a concentrated color. It didn't really register too much though, I was just far too distracted.

About 45 minutes after we first spoke to the nurse, Daddy decided it was time to take me back. I was not coping well at all. He called back the answering service and told them just to tell the nurse we were in our way in. She didn't need to call back. We still haven't listened to the message she left. 

It was after four, and Daddy was worried about hitting rush hour traffic. When there is no traffic, the ride is only about 15 minutes. But traffic could double it. Still not bad, but with the pain in my back, I was worried about being off the heating pad. We found some heat wraps and put those on my back and headed out. I reclined the seat as much as possible because I was still hating leaning forward, even though this probably would have been better position for you.

Traffic wasn't too bad, and eventually we pulled up to the valet drop off, only to discover that there was no valet due to the holiday. Daddy walked me through the door and grabbed a wheel chair. He asked the woman at the information desk to find someone to take me upstairs so he could go park the car. She offered to do it since there was no one else around. Shortly after she started pushing behind me, I felt a huge gush of fluid and managed to tell her that my water just broke. It was very dramatic, it felt like I was in a movie! 

She got me upstairs and I got checked in for the second time that day, and for the third day in a row. We were again brought to the antenatal waiting area, where Daddy asked a nurse if we could it straight to Labor and Delivery. He got a somewhat irritated response from a nurse who said "you have to be in labor first."

The brought me into a room, and I headed to the toilet again, gushing more fluid. I put on a Johnny, and got settled in the bed. The nurse had to talk me through some contractions, since she could see in the monitor when they were peaking. I managed to gain a little bit of control over my breathing again, finally. She didn't seem to think my water had broken however, claiming the gushing was just trigger by the procedure from the day before, since she tested it with a cheap test strip and it came up negative. She headed off to find the doctor on call, and came back saying I would be admitted, brought to a labor/delivery room and would get an epidural! Oh thank goodness! I always knew I would want one, but I had wanted to make some progress though labor first. However, I had envisioned contractions that would be twice as far apart as the ones I was having, thinking there would be some recovery time in between. At this point, they had been every 2-3 minutes for over 12 hours! I was exhausted and wanted nothing more than just some time to rest!

The labor & delivery nurse showed up with a wheelchair to take me to the next room and when she saw the mess I had been sitting in, she exclaimed that my water had in fact broken and went to get a new sheet for me to sit on in the chair. She also found meconium in the fluid which meant that you had pooped at least once already. 

The presence if meconium was cause for concern, but it didn't appear to be as urgent of an issue as I thought it would be. It did mean that vaginal delivery or not, some of our hopes for your birth, like getting immediate skin to skin time in my chest, and waiting for your cord to stop pulsing before clamping and cutting it, would no longer be a reality. They needed to have a team from the special care nursery with us in the room to immediately check your lungs to make sure you hadn't inhaled any meconium, so they would have to cut your cord to take you to the other side of the room to be checked out.

Shortly after we made it to the labor an delivery room, sometime around 6:39 pm, the anesthesiologist showed up to place my epidural. Oh, how in love I was with that man. It took a little while to get it right, but the relief once it started to flow was immediate.

I spent the next 18 hours in bed, trying to rest, but not really able to sleep. You and I were under constant monitoring to make sure all was ok. The blood pressure cuff in my arm went off every fifteen minutes, making it difficult to actually sleep. They brought a cot in for Daddy, and he was able to get some rest. There wasn't a whole lot for him to do aside from to give me a sip of water every so often to help me stay hydrated.

They watched you like a hawk on the monitors, and kept shifting me from side to side to find a the position that you would like best. We wondered whether or not you would decide to arrive on Monday, 10/8, or if you would wait until the next day. There was one point when your heart rate dropped below 100 for a decent stretch, around 9:00 pm that night. We started to think they would end my labor in favor of a C-section earlier than we anticipated. But, you decided that you were happy with me lying mostly flat on my back, a very odd position for a pregnant woman to be in, and my labor kept progressing, with regular contraction, and slow but steady progress on dilation throughout the night. I was reasonably comfortable, except that there appeared to be a window in my epidural, and I had very constant localized pain in one small area of my belly, which, in addition to the blood pressure cuff, made actual sleep impossible. After a few hours, the Dr. came back and injected additional medication into my epidural catheter. This helped a lot, but would eventually wear off. They repeated this additional medication at least 3 times. They could have adjusted the actual epidural itself to try to eliminate the window but I think they didn't want to disturb me that much.

By morning, my own OB was finally on call. She came in to check on my progress around 8 in the morning on 10/9. I was 100% effaced, having having already been at 90% when the ripening started, and close to 8cm dilated. Your head was somewhere between 0 and -1 depending on my contractions. It's funny, because we finally arrived at the time that I was due to start pitocin to induce labor, and I there I was, contracting away. Unfortunately, the progress I was making was slower than desired, and they made the call to start pitocin anyway. Dr. S checked me again around 10:00 am and found little progress. She had to leave to perform a c-section, and said she would come back at noon, after 4 hours of pitocin, and we would make our final decision on whether or not to abandon labor and move on to a c-section. Admittedly, having not slept in over 24 hours, and having nothing to do but think, I was getting more and more nervous about experiencing complications with a vaginal delivery, as much as I wanted to avoid the recovery and interruptions of initial bonding that came with a c-section, because of the meconium, some of that was lost anyway. And I was getting extremely eager to meet you!

And so, at noon, on Tuesday, October 9th, it was decided. I hadn't changed in two hours, even with pitocin. After approximately 36 hours of contractions, half with an epidural, we were "headed south" as the medical staff put it, to the south wing of the maternity floor, which housed the ORs.

That seems like a fitting place to leave off for now, since this is getting so long, I fear I may never finish if I attempt to get it all done in one fell swoop. Stay tuned for more!