"You forgave me, right?" said my mom.
I guess she has a point. I have no recollection of being left to scream while my mom showered or peed.
It's just that we worked so darn hard for this little guy, and despite the fact that I'm taking a half a year off, I can't help but feel that my time with him is so fleeting. I don't ever want to be the one to make him sad.
* * *
I can't seem to get a handle in the weeping. We're three weeks in and I feel absolutely no control over my emotions. The reality is. We're doing great. L and I have yet to make it through an entire work day alone, thanks to hubby working from him during Sandy, and coming home for lunch yesterday. He's a really good baby. He has some fussy moments in the evening, but nothing inconsolable yet, knock on wood. We bought a cosleeper for our bed, so he sleeps for good chunks at night without being on one of us. He's pretty darn awesome all in all.
And his mommy can't stop crying.
I'm definitely stressed out because hubby needs do spend at least one night, if not more, out of town next week for work. We're trying to coordinate with my mom to come say again, but the scheduling is really tricky, and I'm terrified of being alone with L over night after being alone all day. Hubby is so much better at calming him at night when he fusses than I am. I still don't feel fully mobile. I've barely had to make myself one meal in over three weeks. It overwhelming. And it makes me sad that I don't feel like I have more of a local support system. Hubby's mom is here, but just had her knee replaced, so she's laid up in rehab for a few weeks.
Aside from this situation, it's so hard for me to ever imagine getting out of the house for more than an hour stretch. Nursing with the nipple shield is such a process. I feel like I need to have everything arranged just so to be prepared to be confined to my chair for an hour. I can't fathom needing to do that out of the comfort of my home. I guess I could start pumping and brin bottles with me when I go out, but I need to understand better if I should hen pump while I'm out after he eats anyway, or could that wait til I get home? There is a breastfeeding support group I want to start going to to get help losing the shield, among other things. But then I'd have to leave the house on my own. I haven't driven in over three weeks!
The other thing that freaks me out are diaper changes. I've established a strategy to make sure L doesn't pee in his face, but three times yesterday, he did pee during the change and messed his clothes. What if I bring him to a friends house and he pees all over their stuff?
I so wanted to be a confident mom who was not afraid to go out into the world while L is small and portable, but instead, I feel like a weepy, anxiety ridden recluse. I keep telling myself that the weepy is hormonal, and it will go away soon. It will, right?
And L will forgive me too.
* * *
A few more Halloween shots to share because I just can't get enough of my precious boy.
What a handsome boy! It sounds like you are doing a great job and that you have a great sleeper so far. You will fall into more of a routine as L get's older and leaving the house won't be so difficult. Being weepy is normal, but you might find that even running to the grocery store with L will help you feel more confident and less recluse. Try it, and if it doesn't go well, you will have some ideas as to what to do differently the next time. I still try to leave the house at least once a day, for a change of scenery for Aiden and I. I usually leave right after he eats. Things will get easier! I just LOVE his lion costume! You are wonderful mommy!
ReplyDeleteYou will get the hang of everything. There is no larger change in life than having a baby. And you have the most beautiful baby boy. I love the sleeping lion pictures!
ReplyDeleteYou can do it!! I was taking the twins out of the house to the grocery store with my hubby when they were less than 2 weeks old. I just had to get out!! The more you do everything the easier it gets. I was BFing, pumping and supplementing so I just brought bottles along when we went out (along with a change of clothes, diapers, etc. for those emergency situations.)
ReplyDeleteI had to look up the co sleeper to see what it was. I think they are a great idea.
ReplyDeleteI think what you are feelings is normal. I mean, I don't know personally, but I know lots of new moms and I think it's scary to think of leaving the house. Small babies are just so needy that it's worrisome to not be in your comfort zone.
ReplyDeleteI hope you can find some confidence and peace and hopefully someone to help take on some of the load here and there. If I were closer to the east coast, I would come!
The weepies will go away, have no fear...it is normal to have crazy hormones and emotions after giving birth, especially if you are breast feeding. If you are concerned about it though, I would talk to you doctor and see about finding a counselor/therapist to speak to. I know there are some in the Boston area that specialize in post-partum issues.
ReplyDeleteAs for leaving the house...it gets easier and easier the more times you do it, and you should start by going someplace very baby/nursing friendly (ie. a mommy and me class or baby related store, I did the Great Beginnings class at Isis in Arlington and it was awesome).
I would recommend carrying some extra nipple shields in a pacifier pod or Ziploc (I kept one for dirty and one for clean). Also, have extra diapers in your car (not wipes, as they will be icey cold if left in your car in winter) as well as at least two changes of clothes in your diaper bag (plus one in the glove compartment of your car). Other good things to have in your diaper bag are garbage bags (I use plastic shopping bags) to hold wet/dirty clothes and/or diapers and extra burp cloths/receiving blankets that can be used as general all-purpose items (warmth, cleanup, changing pad, clean space for laying baby down, nursing cover, etc.). Oh, and the diaper bag itself makes a good make-shift nursing pillow.
As someone who had to use nipple shields, and had issues with recurring nipple infections, I still recommend nursing in public over pumping and bottle feeding...at least at this early stage when baby is still learning to be a good nurser. I think as you get more accustomed to it, and as you start getting rid of the shield, you will be glad you stuck with it.
It is a bit of a pain right now, but then again so is pumping and keeping the milk and potentially not having enough milk with you, or not being able to maintain the temp or losing the milk if it is out too long.
Finally, I always keep an unopened 8 oz bottle of the premixed formula in our diaper bag for emergencies (used to be a couple of 2 oz bottles). It doesn't require refrigeration till opened, so it is great just to have as a backup. We've had to break it open a few times, and I've always been super glad I had it.
Hope that was helpful. It is so good to start getting out, you just have to get past that first hump and you are golden!
Maybe a little science will make you feel better. I've learned a lot about brain development through my job. Anyway, babies are born with a highly functioning part of the brain that basically screams "DANGER!" constantly. Anytime the baby feels cool air on her skin, it's DANGER! because she might freeze to death. Whenever she feels slightly hungry, it's DANGER! because she might starve to death. So your baby's waking up and screaming is a completely biological response to a second's worth of DANGER! being proclaimed in his brain. Over the first 6 months or so, that part of the brain becomes less on steroids and the other parts develop - the parts that tell him "hey, mom's right there, it's ok!" To ease your mind, (1) it's biological, as biological as pooping, and (2) he won't remember it. It's nature's way of making sure he survives - if he didn't scream, in ancient times, he'd be forgotten.
ReplyDeleteThat said, if I ever get to have a screaming newborn, I know this will all go to the wayside and I will feel soooo badly for letting him / her scream for even a few seconds!!!