Hubby and I met with Dr. A this morning to have the big IVF discussion. Everyone was in agreement, that it is the next logical step. It was a good meeting. Hubby got to ask some questions since it was the first time he's actually met Dr. A personally. The best news is that, although our infertility is still unexplained, she thinks the prognosis is really good, and said in her opinion, it's more a matter of when, then if.
Hubby was excited to learn that there is a complex algorithm used to determine how many embryos will be transferred when we get to that point. (he loves algorithms..he creates them himself for things like determining how many points we should earn each week for correctly determining the contestant eliminated in the American Idol competition we have with our moms!) Based on my age, the most that would be transferred would be two.
We filled out all the consent forms. We just need to update some testing, and we'll be ready to move forward with insurance approval. Hubby needs a new sperm analysis, and I need to have a hysteroscopy. That needs to happen between day 5 and 12, so for a brief moment, we thought we'd be able to fit it in before we leave for our trip. Lupron won't start until day 21, which is two days after we're back. And it was like, what the...are we starting this now?? I wasn't planning on that! But, it turned out that there were no available appointments for the hysteroscopy this week. So, fate decided for us. And I'm ok with that. Now, we can go on our vacation, and really relax, and not have to come back right into injections. Yes, it is hard to wait, and keep waiting. But I need this time to find that peaceful place before we launch into the next step. That's not to say, of course, that if they had been able to squeeze me in, I wouldn't have gone for it. Like I said, fate decided.
I'm going to schedule my acupuncture consultation tomorrow for when we are back in April. I am looking forward to that. As for the results of my recent bloodwork, I'm told everything looks fine. And they didn't actually test for HCG. I decided to let it go. I know I thought I wanted to know if it was a chemical for the data point, but I'm past it now. It's time to move forward.
Let's see. This feels a little scattered today. But it was a lot of information to take in. The plan (yay for a plan!) is to call on my next day 1 to schedule to hysteroscopy. That should be in about three weeks. I will start Lupron on day 21 (about 6 weeks from now, first week or so of May), and start stims 10 days/2 weeks or so after that (late May). The cool thing is that our 3rd wedding anniversary is May 31, and it seems like ER or ET could be right around then...with my very vague long range forecasts, of course. No BCPs. We'll be using Menopur and Gonal F. I'll have Crinone which is a vaginal insert for Progesterone. So, I might luck out with only one HCG intramuscular injection. They will do assisted hatching because I am of advanced maternal age (don't you just love it? 36 is one week from today!) By mid-June, if all goes according to plan, we should have an answer!
Lastly, I'm such a geek, and I'm so in love with my iPhone, that I just bought an IVF app to track all the appointments and medications. I thought it might make it more fun! (Hubby will tell you that I cried more when he gave me the phone for Christmas two years ago, then when he proposed...not quite, but close!)
Oh, I should also say that I got great responses from my friends who I emailed this weekend. My college roomie of all 4 years wrote back almost immediately and said she is coming to visit me in May. I haven't actually seen her in a year and a half. It will be really great to see her.
3.28.2011
3.26.2011
Seeking a Zen Jen
Has anyone been listening to the Fertility Focus Telesummit? I've actually managed to catch quite a few of the speakers this week, and my mind is swimming. Before I even started listening, I was thinking about how I can improve my mindset in this journey. I know that if IVF is indeed in my future, I need to find peace, I need to achieve zen. Of course, now there are so many thoughts floating through my mind about healthier eating, and emotional well being, that it's hard to know where to begin. And that doesn't really help with the zen...
So, I apologize if this post is scattered. But it's about the process, not the end result.
I have been considering acupuncture for awhile. I know many people who have used it for various things, and it always seems to be a very positive experience. I suppose one thing that has been holding me back is not wanting to spend extra money, when we have such a long list of things to buy for our house. But the more I read about it, the more I think I want to give it a try. Perhaps, this is why Sarah Holland's EFT technique spoke to me. It ties in emotions with pressure points. I just tried one of her videos. It's quick, simple, and free! I still think I want to schedule an initial acupuncture consultation for after my vacation.
Another session that resonated with me from the telesummit was Sue Dumais, who spoke about solving your fertility puzzle. One of the things she stressed was determining whether our thoughts/actions come from a place of fear, or a place of love. Only hours after listening to her, I found myself logging into my medical records to see if any of my blood work results from Friday morning were in, and then consulting Dr. Google about my E2 level. And then I realized...it was from fear. Fear that that the level would mean something bad. I know perfectly well that I only have to wait until 8:30 am on Monday to get to ask the doctor all of my questions. What good was Dr. Google going to do me?
She also spoke about trying to focus on what we've gotten out of the journey, and not on the "why is this happening to me?" type questions. I want to learn to focus on the love. The love I feel for Hubby as he goes through this journey with me. The love we feel for Violetta as we plan and hope for her arrival. The love I need to feel for myself as a mother, because I am going to be an awesome mom, and Violetta is going to be lucky to get to experience my awesomeness!
Many of the sessions have me thinking about negative energy/emotions in life in general, and how they might be affecting my ability to conceive, especially all the stuff with my dad. I need to keep working on that. I need to write the rest of the story. I need to figure out how to get mad at him, so I can grieve what our relationship never was, and figure out if there is any future relationship to be had. I need to do this somehow so I can purge the negativity. I work on it most weeks with my therapist, but it is. really. hard.
And I need to share. I need my friends, most of whom don't live anywhere near by. I have all of you, and for that, I am eternally grateful. But I am becoming more and more consumed, lost, lonely in real life. I fear this is not the path to zen. I need something more tangible. yet, I am afraid to share this dark roller coaster ride. (now that, right there, I called it dark. I should focus instead on what this ride has taught me, and not that it is dark!) I decided to write my three best friends and update them about what has been going on with us these last seven months since I met my RE. It's a start.
I was also struck by Miss Conception's most recent post, which is about going public, speaking up, making a stink about this journey, so that infertility can get the attention it needs, and the insurance coverage it deserves. I highly recommend reading the article she mentions at the end. It brings up really important stuff. As for how I feel about going public...I'm not ready. It's too hard to get through the tww with just me and Hubby. I can't imagine taking my mom, other family and friends along with me. But I think I am going to share that IVF is coming with a few people, like my friends I just emailed. I won't tell them when, specifically, just that I hope to have good news to share with them this fall. And the other thing we can all do is to support organizations like RESOLVE. I joined the Mass chapter, and it was very affordable, less than the cost of one acupuncture session.
Oh, and lastly, in my quest to be a Zen Jen, I'm thinking of C&B...thoughts? People seem to like it.
I've given myself a lot to try, huh? Acupuncture, meditation, EFT/Tapping, reaching out to friends, acting from love and not fear. Whew...it is a process isn't it. (Have I mentioned I've never been a fan of process?)
So, I apologize if this post is scattered. But it's about the process, not the end result.
I have been considering acupuncture for awhile. I know many people who have used it for various things, and it always seems to be a very positive experience. I suppose one thing that has been holding me back is not wanting to spend extra money, when we have such a long list of things to buy for our house. But the more I read about it, the more I think I want to give it a try. Perhaps, this is why Sarah Holland's EFT technique spoke to me. It ties in emotions with pressure points. I just tried one of her videos. It's quick, simple, and free! I still think I want to schedule an initial acupuncture consultation for after my vacation.
Another session that resonated with me from the telesummit was Sue Dumais, who spoke about solving your fertility puzzle. One of the things she stressed was determining whether our thoughts/actions come from a place of fear, or a place of love. Only hours after listening to her, I found myself logging into my medical records to see if any of my blood work results from Friday morning were in, and then consulting Dr. Google about my E2 level. And then I realized...it was from fear. Fear that that the level would mean something bad. I know perfectly well that I only have to wait until 8:30 am on Monday to get to ask the doctor all of my questions. What good was Dr. Google going to do me?
She also spoke about trying to focus on what we've gotten out of the journey, and not on the "why is this happening to me?" type questions. I want to learn to focus on the love. The love I feel for Hubby as he goes through this journey with me. The love we feel for Violetta as we plan and hope for her arrival. The love I need to feel for myself as a mother, because I am going to be an awesome mom, and Violetta is going to be lucky to get to experience my awesomeness!
Many of the sessions have me thinking about negative energy/emotions in life in general, and how they might be affecting my ability to conceive, especially all the stuff with my dad. I need to keep working on that. I need to write the rest of the story. I need to figure out how to get mad at him, so I can grieve what our relationship never was, and figure out if there is any future relationship to be had. I need to do this somehow so I can purge the negativity. I work on it most weeks with my therapist, but it is. really. hard.
And I need to share. I need my friends, most of whom don't live anywhere near by. I have all of you, and for that, I am eternally grateful. But I am becoming more and more consumed, lost, lonely in real life. I fear this is not the path to zen. I need something more tangible. yet, I am afraid to share this dark roller coaster ride. (now that, right there, I called it dark. I should focus instead on what this ride has taught me, and not that it is dark!) I decided to write my three best friends and update them about what has been going on with us these last seven months since I met my RE. It's a start.
I was also struck by Miss Conception's most recent post, which is about going public, speaking up, making a stink about this journey, so that infertility can get the attention it needs, and the insurance coverage it deserves. I highly recommend reading the article she mentions at the end. It brings up really important stuff. As for how I feel about going public...I'm not ready. It's too hard to get through the tww with just me and Hubby. I can't imagine taking my mom, other family and friends along with me. But I think I am going to share that IVF is coming with a few people, like my friends I just emailed. I won't tell them when, specifically, just that I hope to have good news to share with them this fall. And the other thing we can all do is to support organizations like RESOLVE. I joined the Mass chapter, and it was very affordable, less than the cost of one acupuncture session.
Oh, and lastly, in my quest to be a Zen Jen, I'm thinking of C&B...thoughts? People seem to like it.
I've given myself a lot to try, huh? Acupuncture, meditation, EFT/Tapping, reaching out to friends, acting from love and not fear. Whew...it is a process isn't it. (Have I mentioned I've never been a fan of process?)
3.23.2011
Sitting with a Glass of Wine
A much needed glass of wine. Reading through all the comments you've left me throughout the day, feeling hugged, feeling that you all understand. Feeling that I am not alone in this despair. Feeling that I am not the only one who thought that all my signs looked promising this time. Thank you.
I feel foolish for having been so hopeful. Hope is such a dangerous thing, But then, if it were not for the hope that it might actually work this time, why would we go through the early morning blood draws and dates with the dildo-cam, the injections, the secretive phone calls, the sacrifices? If I had no hope, why would I bother?
I heard back from the nurse. She said I need to update my Day 3 blood work, probably for insurance in preparation for IVF. She also said they could test for pregnancy then to see if this was a chemical. I want to know that in case there is a problem that should be further investigated before we get into the middle of IVF.
So, I go in on Friday morning to give yet another sample of blood. I'm glad there will be very current information to discuss with Dr. A on Monday morning.
A question for you ladies, if any of you are in the Boston area. We have not yet had a second opinion, unless you count the OB/GYN and the RE. I feel comfortable moving forward now, but if we are unsuccessful yet again, it will be time to see that second opinion. So, Bostonians, where do you go? Where are you happy or unhappy? Thoughts on where to pursue that second opinion, (that I won't actually need...see, there's that hope again!)
I feel foolish for having been so hopeful. Hope is such a dangerous thing, But then, if it were not for the hope that it might actually work this time, why would we go through the early morning blood draws and dates with the dildo-cam, the injections, the secretive phone calls, the sacrifices? If I had no hope, why would I bother?
I heard back from the nurse. She said I need to update my Day 3 blood work, probably for insurance in preparation for IVF. She also said they could test for pregnancy then to see if this was a chemical. I want to know that in case there is a problem that should be further investigated before we get into the middle of IVF.
So, I go in on Friday morning to give yet another sample of blood. I'm glad there will be very current information to discuss with Dr. A on Monday morning.
A question for you ladies, if any of you are in the Boston area. We have not yet had a second opinion, unless you count the OB/GYN and the RE. I feel comfortable moving forward now, but if we are unsuccessful yet again, it will be time to see that second opinion. So, Bostonians, where do you go? Where are you happy or unhappy? Thoughts on where to pursue that second opinion, (that I won't actually need...see, there's that hope again!)
Yeah, March Still Sucks
Or this March does anyway.
March is my month of love, but this March is a month of last chances and lost hopes. We're mving on to IVF.
The slight spotting got heavier last night before I went to bed. The cramps became undeniable, so bad they even woke me up in the middle of the night. This morning, it is clear that Violetta has given up and let her Auntie take over.
I've got my call in to the nurse to report my result. The call that was supposed to be saying I was coming in for my bloodwork. Instead, I reported the end of my cycle. But I still asked to come in for blood work. This cycle was different. The luteal phase was the longest it's ever been post IUI. The cramps and back achse are very intense, and I want to know if this is a chemical. I want to know that I've actually managed to conceive more than once in almost two years. I want more attention paid to my luteal phase. I want more data so someone can figure out why this isn't working.
Luckily, on the good advice of the nurses, I scheduled my IVF consultation when I had my IUI, so I don't have to wait weeks upon weeks. It is this coming Monday morning. Next Friday, we leave for our week in London with my 9.5 month old neice. A little family fun, a little regroup, and then it's time to really get this party started.
Now, I just have to make it through this day without breaking into tears at my desk. It's already proving difficult.
March is my month of love, but this March is a month of last chances and lost hopes. We're mving on to IVF.
The slight spotting got heavier last night before I went to bed. The cramps became undeniable, so bad they even woke me up in the middle of the night. This morning, it is clear that Violetta has given up and let her Auntie take over.
I've got my call in to the nurse to report my result. The call that was supposed to be saying I was coming in for my bloodwork. Instead, I reported the end of my cycle. But I still asked to come in for blood work. This cycle was different. The luteal phase was the longest it's ever been post IUI. The cramps and back achse are very intense, and I want to know if this is a chemical. I want to know that I've actually managed to conceive more than once in almost two years. I want more attention paid to my luteal phase. I want more data so someone can figure out why this isn't working.
Luckily, on the good advice of the nurses, I scheduled my IVF consultation when I had my IUI, so I don't have to wait weeks upon weeks. It is this coming Monday morning. Next Friday, we leave for our week in London with my 9.5 month old neice. A little family fun, a little regroup, and then it's time to really get this party started.
Now, I just have to make it through this day without breaking into tears at my desk. It's already proving difficult.
3.22.2011
Out Damn'd Spot
CD 27.
15dpiui.
I went the the bathroom about a thousand times this afternoon. I am totally unable to concentrate. I am supposed to call tomorrow to go in for my blood work. Today, I'm am feeling...(tmi, sorry)...mucusy, if there is such a word.
Boobs still hurt. Back ache got a lot worse a few hours ago. Feeling very warm. Woke up with the same warm eyed head ache. Ovaries are tingling...but I still don't feel any true cramps...maybe a bit tighter than yesterday, but not truly crampy. Or am I just tying to convince myself that it's indigestion? (I think I am in denial, I think the cramps are starting). The lower back pain is so bad that it is sort of masking any other feeling in the abdominal area.
From about mid-morning, I've been feeling wet, leaky, but not exactly flowing, Does that make sense? Even though there is barely anything notable when I wipe. Earlier today, there seemed to be the tiniest bit of what looked like EWCM on the tissue, clear as glass. Now, it's still barely there, (I'm sort of hunting for it because I am losing my mind), but it is taking on the slightest light brown color. But it's still very mucusy.
God, I hate this. It was all I could do to get through the drive home without bursting into tears. We want this so much. Hubby is so excited and hopeful this time, which makes this almost worse if it doesn't work out the way we hope.
Was life to easy for me as a kid? Is that why I have to work so incredibly hard, and wait so frustratingly long to get anything I truly want as an adult? Is it to much to ask to catch a break every now and then?
15dpiui.
I went the the bathroom about a thousand times this afternoon. I am totally unable to concentrate. I am supposed to call tomorrow to go in for my blood work. Today, I'm am feeling...(tmi, sorry)...mucusy, if there is such a word.
Boobs still hurt. Back ache got a lot worse a few hours ago. Feeling very warm. Woke up with the same warm eyed head ache. Ovaries are tingling...but I still don't feel any true cramps...maybe a bit tighter than yesterday, but not truly crampy. Or am I just tying to convince myself that it's indigestion? (I think I am in denial, I think the cramps are starting). The lower back pain is so bad that it is sort of masking any other feeling in the abdominal area.
From about mid-morning, I've been feeling wet, leaky, but not exactly flowing, Does that make sense? Even though there is barely anything notable when I wipe. Earlier today, there seemed to be the tiniest bit of what looked like EWCM on the tissue, clear as glass. Now, it's still barely there, (I'm sort of hunting for it because I am losing my mind), but it is taking on the slightest light brown color. But it's still very mucusy.
God, I hate this. It was all I could do to get through the drive home without bursting into tears. We want this so much. Hubby is so excited and hopeful this time, which makes this almost worse if it doesn't work out the way we hope.
Was life to easy for me as a kid? Is that why I have to work so incredibly hard, and wait so frustratingly long to get anything I truly want as an adult? Is it to much to ask to catch a break every now and then?
3.21.2011
Distractions
I need distractions. I have worked myself into such a state that my stomach is now rumbling beyond belief, giving me a heart attack, thinking it's the cramps starting, when it's really just old old IBS! I'm still in the game, and I can hardly believe it! It took a lot of will power not to stop at one of the two CVSs I pass on my way home and buy another test to see if I finally get the result I am looking for. I'm trying to be patient and wait until Wednesday.
I'm on the elliptical now, not going very fast, but I need to move my body because I'm so stiff, and my back is still aching! Hubby is out with his brother tonight visit their Grampa. Which means I have the house to myself for the night. I have big plans...blogs, blogs, more blogs and some Dancing With the Stars. I think it starts tonight. Of course there are a million productive things I could be doing to put our house in order after our big weekend of painting...but I think I am in desperate need of a me night!
I'm on the elliptical now, not going very fast, but I need to move my body because I'm so stiff, and my back is still aching! Hubby is out with his brother tonight visit their Grampa. Which means I have the house to myself for the night. I have big plans...blogs, blogs, more blogs and some Dancing With the Stars. I think it starts tonight. Of course there are a million productive things I could be doing to put our house in order after our big weekend of painting...but I think I am in desperate need of a me night!
Is it the 21st Already?
Wow, ICLW really snuck up on me this month. I guess that's what obsessing over a 2ww will do to a girl. This is my second ICLW and I'm looking forward to spending time with all of you, and getting to know some new people out there. For those of you who are new to my blog, welcome! My infertility timeline is posted at the side, but the gist is that I am at Cycle Day 26, 14dpiui #5, with a diagnosis of unexplained infertility. Hubby and I have been not preventing for just about two years now, trying for a year and a half, and in treatment for 9 months. At the time of this posting, I have lots of symptoms...most notably sore boobs and a killer lower back ache, one "not pregnant" after peeing on a digital yesterday morning, and still no real signs of my period starting. If it's not here by Wednesday, I get to call to schedule a Beta. Fingers crossed that I make it that far!
To let you know a little bit more about me other than the obsessive details of waiting, I'm borrowing an idea I saw last month. This is one of those get to know you posts that was floating around, and someone used it to kick of ICLW. So, here you go...
The ABCs of Me...
C-CHORE YOU HATE: Cleaning the bathroom. It was my childhood chore. Hubby usually does it now. I have the best Husband ever.
D-DOGS: Not right now. At least not until Violetta is ten and begging for one for Christmas. Maybe not ever. I grew up with a pug though, who I loved very much.
E-ESSENTIAL START YOUR DAY ITEM: iPhone. I check email, blogs, weather, etc.
F-FAVORITE COLOR: Purple
G-GOLD or SILVER: Silver. Absolutely.
H-HEIGHT: 5'4"
I-INSTRUMENTS YOU PLAY: I played the flute for about 4 years in grade school.
J-JOB TITLE: Interior Designer - at a big architectural firm. I do mostly corporate and higher education work. A lot of people don't understand the field of interior design, and think I am a residential decorator. (which I do enjoy...as a hobby in my own house and occasionally help friend and family as well.)
K-KIDS: Just two fur babies of the feline persuasion.
L-LIVE: Just outside Boston.
M-MOM'S NAME: Vicki
N-NICKNAMES: Jenny, Jenny the Pooh,
O-OVERNIGHT HOSPITAL STAYS: None.
P-PET PEEVE: Hmmm, I'm sure I have a lot, but at the moment, I am having a hard time thinking of any.
R-RIGHT OR LEFT HANDED: Right
S-SIBLINGS: 1 younger brother
T-TIME YOU WAKE UP: Alarm goes off at 6:30. I snooze for at least a half-hour.
U-UNDERWEAR: I'm really not sure what this is asking...but I'm old and frumpy and gave up thongs long ago unless I'm trying to make things more exciting in the bedroom!
V-VEGETABLE YOU DISLIKE: Are mushrooms considered vegetables?
W-WHAT MAKES YOU RUN LATE: Myself. I dilly dally. Even if I get up early, I will just spend more time staring off into space while I brush my hair longer than usual. I really don't know where the time goes sometimes.
X-X-RAYS YOU'VE HAD DONE: Lots at the dentist, HSG, various times for a wrist issue.
Y-YUMMY FOOD YOU MAKE: I make a Rueben dip that my friends tell me is like crack.
Z-ZOO, FAVORITE ANIMAL: Monkeys.
To let you know a little bit more about me other than the obsessive details of waiting, I'm borrowing an idea I saw last month. This is one of those get to know you posts that was floating around, and someone used it to kick of ICLW. So, here you go...
The ABCs of Me...
A-AGE: 35 and 50 weeks exactly.
B - BED SIZE: Queen. We wanted a King so badly when we bought our bed a few years ago. We were going to cram it into the tiny bedroom in our rental...until we realized it wouldn't fit up the stairs. Now, we own a house with a HUGE bedroom, and our Queen is only three years old. I guess we have to wait a few more years before we upgrade.
B - BED SIZE: Queen. We wanted a King so badly when we bought our bed a few years ago. We were going to cram it into the tiny bedroom in our rental...until we realized it wouldn't fit up the stairs. Now, we own a house with a HUGE bedroom, and our Queen is only three years old. I guess we have to wait a few more years before we upgrade.
C-CHORE YOU HATE: Cleaning the bathroom. It was my childhood chore. Hubby usually does it now. I have the best Husband ever.
D-DOGS: Not right now. At least not until Violetta is ten and begging for one for Christmas. Maybe not ever. I grew up with a pug though, who I loved very much.
E-ESSENTIAL START YOUR DAY ITEM: iPhone. I check email, blogs, weather, etc.
F-FAVORITE COLOR: Purple
G-GOLD or SILVER: Silver. Absolutely.
H-HEIGHT: 5'4"
I-INSTRUMENTS YOU PLAY: I played the flute for about 4 years in grade school.
J-JOB TITLE: Interior Designer - at a big architectural firm. I do mostly corporate and higher education work. A lot of people don't understand the field of interior design, and think I am a residential decorator. (which I do enjoy...as a hobby in my own house and occasionally help friend and family as well.)
K-KIDS: Just two fur babies of the feline persuasion.
L-LIVE: Just outside Boston.
M-MOM'S NAME: Vicki
N-NICKNAMES: Jenny, Jenny the Pooh,
O-OVERNIGHT HOSPITAL STAYS: None.
P-PET PEEVE: Hmmm, I'm sure I have a lot, but at the moment, I am having a hard time thinking of any.
Q-QUOTE FROM MOVIE: "I don't want to sell anything, buy anything, or process anything as a career. I don't want to sell anything bought or processed, or buy anything sold or processed, or process anything sold, bought, or processed, or repair anything sold, bought, or processed. You know, as a career, I don't want to do that."—Llyod Dobler, Say Anything
R-RIGHT OR LEFT HANDED: Right
S-SIBLINGS: 1 younger brother
T-TIME YOU WAKE UP: Alarm goes off at 6:30. I snooze for at least a half-hour.
U-UNDERWEAR: I'm really not sure what this is asking...but I'm old and frumpy and gave up thongs long ago unless I'm trying to make things more exciting in the bedroom!
V-VEGETABLE YOU DISLIKE: Are mushrooms considered vegetables?
W-WHAT MAKES YOU RUN LATE: Myself. I dilly dally. Even if I get up early, I will just spend more time staring off into space while I brush my hair longer than usual. I really don't know where the time goes sometimes.
X-X-RAYS YOU'VE HAD DONE: Lots at the dentist, HSG, various times for a wrist issue.
Y-YUMMY FOOD YOU MAKE: I make a Rueben dip that my friends tell me is like crack.
Z-ZOO, FAVORITE ANIMAL: Monkeys.
3.20.2011
I Gave In
CD25
13dpiui (now officially the longest luteal phase I've had post iui...unless of course I start bleeding this afternoon, I am known to start later in the day, but I still don't feel like it's imminent)
And the test says "not pregnant"
It's the fancy EPT digital. I bought it after my chemical last year, when the second line was so faint I thought the digital would help eliminate the confusion. I hadn't felt confident enough to use it until now, so it's been sitting in my drawer ever since. If I felt the need to test early since last year, I'd always stop at CVS for some good old fashioned two pink liners. I'm not even sure I always choose the same brand. I didn't know about internet cheapies until I met all of you!
Anyway, I am now questioning whether I wish I had those pink lines to interpret. Maybe the digital needs a level that would create a 30% line, and I only would have a 10% line, but if I had a line, I could at least make myself more insane trying to tell if it was really there or not. Grrrrr! IF Insanity! This test is only 51% accurate 4 days before your missed period. OK, well, my last cycle was 30, a few before that it was 22. My Period Tracker has my average at 26 at the moment. I have no idea how many days I am before my missed period. I decided to test because of the amount of time that has passed since the iui, my symptoms, and because maybe, just maybe, if I got the result I was looking for, I could stop freaking out a few days earlier! (of course, I'm sure there would be another level of freaking out after that...)
I still have lots of symptoms...what they are of, we still cannot be sure.
~ Sore boobs
~ Weird warm-eyed mild head ache with a little bit of "stuffiness which isn't really stuffiness, but Hubby commented that I sound like I have a cold. I'm told that nasal "congestion" is an early sign.
~ Increasingly sore lower back. I'm not thrilled that it seems to be getting worse.
~ Mild heart-burn with the slightest queasy feeling the last two nights (could be nerves...I'm certainly working myself up with anticipation). This is a completely new symptom for me.
~ I feel really warm. (I'm not BBTing, but a sign of an increased temp?) We painted the dining room and kitchen yesterday and I kept getting head rushes as I went up and down the step stool.
~ Slight twinges, especially on the left side, that feel like they are in the area of my ovaries, as opposed to cramps which are in the middle. Does anyone else feel activity in their ovaries long after ovulation?
~ Constipation (the crampy feeling I'm getting from that after meals leaves me completely paranoid for a few hours...I over think every gas bubble to determine whether it is actually gas or a cramp.) I am downing glasses of benefiber a few times a day!
What is missing are the cramps, or essentially any real sense of feeling in my uterus at all. It was tight and heavy earlier after the iui. But not anymore. After my last iui, I felt mildly crampy, and also had a lower back ache, the day before my period. I don't chart my symptoms religiously, but I feel like the lower back ache is usually a sign that the cramps are imminent, like within a few hours. And the cramps mean the bleeding is starting within a day, sometime a few hours. So the back ache without the cramps has me hanging on to hope.
So, after all of that, I guess it is really too soon to tell. I am still. just. waiting.
* * *
For a little distraction, in the past two weeks since I started Laugh. Dream. Enjoy, I have Transformed, Walked, Sung, Sucked, Solved, Basked, Celebrated, Heard, Investigated, Primped, Induldged, & Rested. And Waited. A lot of waited.
3.18.2011
They Still Hurt
Thanks for being in this with me girls!
Yes, my boobs still hurt. And I have mastered the art of crossing my arm across my chest like I am reaching for something, then pushing back to smoosh my boob to see if it still hurts, but people can tell what I am doing. Last night, my lower back was sore, which freaks me out, because that's usually a bad sign. I also had some abdominal rumblings, but I am going to blame both of the ethiopian dinner I had with coworkers last night...too much food and perching on a hard wooden stool for 2.5 hours can do that to you I suppose. This morning, I feel like nothing is going on in the stomach or back area, which has me feeling optimistic. I've had a weird warm eyed mild head ache for a few days. Could be good? I still don't think I'm going to test. Or at least I am going to try not to...by early next week, I may not be able to help myself. Hubby doesn't want me to. We were burned by the chemical last year, and don't want to repeat it.
CD23 (looks like we're going longer than last iui at least...)
11dpiui (this was the lenght of last iui's luteal phase, and I don't feel like AF is coming tomorrow at least..god, these damn stats can make a girl crazy...like I wasn't already, but anyway!)
Hmmm...I am wt work. I should probably start being productive...SO distracted!
Yes, my boobs still hurt. And I have mastered the art of crossing my arm across my chest like I am reaching for something, then pushing back to smoosh my boob to see if it still hurts, but people can tell what I am doing. Last night, my lower back was sore, which freaks me out, because that's usually a bad sign. I also had some abdominal rumblings, but I am going to blame both of the ethiopian dinner I had with coworkers last night...too much food and perching on a hard wooden stool for 2.5 hours can do that to you I suppose. This morning, I feel like nothing is going on in the stomach or back area, which has me feeling optimistic. I've had a weird warm eyed mild head ache for a few days. Could be good? I still don't think I'm going to test. Or at least I am going to try not to...by early next week, I may not be able to help myself. Hubby doesn't want me to. We were burned by the chemical last year, and don't want to repeat it.
CD23 (looks like we're going longer than last iui at least...)
11dpiui (this was the lenght of last iui's luteal phase, and I don't feel like AF is coming tomorrow at least..god, these damn stats can make a girl crazy...like I wasn't already, but anyway!)
Hmmm...I am wt work. I should probably start being productive...SO distracted!
3.17.2011
Is it strange...
...that I keep poking my boobs to make sure they still hurt?
CD22
10dpiui
attention span decreasing rapdily
sanity questionable
CD22
10dpiui
attention span decreasing rapdily
sanity questionable
3.14.2011
Is this a Sign?
This is my house. I have lived here since the end of last August. Why have I only just now noticed this sign...in. my. front. yard! Please tell me this is a good sign!
And here are some of the other children (yes, other, I am including Violetta, dammit!) to which this sign refers. The older two live right across the street. I have my eye on the girl as Violetta's future baby sitter. See how she likes babies? Now, as long as I don't get arrested for taking stalker like photos of neighborhood children out my window, we won't have a problem,
* * *
I'm trying not to go too crazy with the wait. We are now are 7dpiui, cycle day 19. I have 9 more days until beta. (or call for beta, but if they don't let me come in that day, I will freak!) I am over analyzing every sign. My boobs are really sore. That's a sign...but of what..I think we've all determined that it's a sign of lots of progesterone flowing, which is a good thing! My uterus still feels kind of tight, but I've also been a little, ahem...stopped up, so maybe it's not my uterus. And who knows if that's a good sign or not anyway. The real paranoia comes from the fact that my last successful injectable iui cycle only lasted 22 days. Friday is day 23. Please don't let it be cycle day 1 instead. Hubby and I have both managed to get our hopes way up this time.
3.13.2011
Too Nervous for Nookie
Last night, Hubby and I went out to a lovely dinner to celebrate our anniversary. Before we left, he surprised me with a beautiful silver necklace. Isn't he sweet? Anyway, dinner was great. It was at a place in Cambridge called Cuchi Cuchi, a really cool place with a vintage theme, complete with costumes waitresses, and small plates that are perfect for sharing. Hubby's brother had given us a gift certificate way too long ago, so it seemed like a good time to use it. It also has the same owner as the restaurant we ate at four years ago this weekend, the night we got engaged. It all came together quite beautifully. We spent the dinner feeling optimistic and brainstorming baby names. It was fun.
Before I get on with the subject of today's post, since I know some of you out there could be considered foodies, and I'm not such a good cook, but I do love to eat, I thought I would share what we chose, since it was all excellent.
Mexican Deep-fried Tomato
Queso blanco, avocado, tomato & salsa Pico de Gallo
Savory Cornets w/Tuna Tartare & Avocado Mousse
These things were INSANE. It was like a tuna and avocado ice cream cone, except without the ice cream. Yum! I love avocado.
Cuban Cigar
Beef short ribs wrapped in dough w/black bean salsa
Grilled Eggplant Napoleon
this was layered with goat cheese, which I love as much as avocado
And then we had two desserts!
OK, so, now that I've finished my restaurant review, it's time to get back to the story. Earlier yesterday, hubby was goofing around and tickling me. I was swatting at him, telling him to stop because it was 5dpiui and likely to be implantation day. I didn't want him making me laugh and causing abominable contractions. (yes, I actually said abominable...I fear I am getting old!)
When we were getting ready to leave dinner, it was still quite early, and I asked hubby if he wanted to check out a movie. He said, "nah, let's go home, watch an episode of Burn Notice (we've been burning through - pun intended - and are almost done with season three) and go to bed early..." with a raise of his eye brow.
As we were walking back to the car, he said, "you know, I was thinking about going to bed early, but then I thought about the timing, and I don't want you having any abdominal contractions and messing up Violleta's implantation" I admitted that I was thinking exactly the same thing! We completely talked ourselves out of getting our nookie on, even though it has been awhile. There never seems to be enough time at the beginning of an iui cycle...between AF lingering and not knowing how quickly things are going to move while wanting to make sure there is a good refreshed supply of the goods before the big day. Since this iui was on a Monday and not the weekend, and Hubby was out on Monday night, we didn't get in the recommended at home sessions after the fact. And, don't even get me started on the lack of libdo that was lingering around with last months cancelled cycle. Um, yeah, so it's been awhile.
I suggested we still go to bed early and give each other massages instead. Seemed like a fair compromise. The reality—I was passed out cold on the couch by 9:30!
Better luck next weekend?!?
Before I get on with the subject of today's post, since I know some of you out there could be considered foodies, and I'm not such a good cook, but I do love to eat, I thought I would share what we chose, since it was all excellent.
Mexican Deep-fried Tomato
Queso blanco, avocado, tomato & salsa Pico de Gallo
Savory Cornets w/Tuna Tartare & Avocado Mousse
These things were INSANE. It was like a tuna and avocado ice cream cone, except without the ice cream. Yum! I love avocado.
Cuban Cigar
Beef short ribs wrapped in dough w/black bean salsa
Grilled Eggplant Napoleon
this was layered with goat cheese, which I love as much as avocado
And then we had two desserts!
OK, so, now that I've finished my restaurant review, it's time to get back to the story. Earlier yesterday, hubby was goofing around and tickling me. I was swatting at him, telling him to stop because it was 5dpiui and likely to be implantation day. I didn't want him making me laugh and causing abominable contractions. (yes, I actually said abominable...I fear I am getting old!)
When we were getting ready to leave dinner, it was still quite early, and I asked hubby if he wanted to check out a movie. He said, "nah, let's go home, watch an episode of Burn Notice (we've been burning through - pun intended - and are almost done with season three) and go to bed early..." with a raise of his eye brow.
As we were walking back to the car, he said, "you know, I was thinking about going to bed early, but then I thought about the timing, and I don't want you having any abdominal contractions and messing up Violleta's implantation" I admitted that I was thinking exactly the same thing! We completely talked ourselves out of getting our nookie on, even though it has been awhile. There never seems to be enough time at the beginning of an iui cycle...between AF lingering and not knowing how quickly things are going to move while wanting to make sure there is a good refreshed supply of the goods before the big day. Since this iui was on a Monday and not the weekend, and Hubby was out on Monday night, we didn't get in the recommended at home sessions after the fact. And, don't even get me started on the lack of libdo that was lingering around with last months cancelled cycle. Um, yeah, so it's been awhile.
I suggested we still go to bed early and give each other massages instead. Seemed like a fair compromise. The reality—I was passed out cold on the couch by 9:30!
Better luck next weekend?!?
3.12.2011
A First Date
Five years ago today, I left my apartment wearing my pink coat (which I still have), and headed into Back Bay to meet a guy I had met on Chemistry dot com for lunch. It was a gray Sunday afternoon, as March afternoons in New England often are. I had been up late the night before, as I had been left on a corner near the projects in the South End—three long blocks from my apartment—after a terrible date with another guy I had met online...at one in the morning. But bad dating stories are for another time.
I was excited to meet this guy. I liked what he said on his profile. Chemistry is a personality matching sight (I'm a negotiator director, he's a negotiator builder, and they take you through some guided "get to know you" exercises, where you exchanges silly questions and answers with your matches. I had asked him what songs would be on the soundtrack of his life. He was very thorough in his answer, and included some disco and a few show tunes. My classmates in grad school, who looked over my shoulder at the selections presented to me, had picked him as their favorite. And after the night before, I had high hopes.
I was anxious, so I'd left my place a little early, and ended up having some time to kill. I decided to browse around one of my favorite shoe stores, which was right across the street from the cafe. Finally, it was time to meet. As I crossed the street, I noticed a guy in a black leather jacket up the block, heading toward the cafe. It was him. I remember that he turned around a looked at me. We made eye contact, and he recognized me. It felt like a scene in a movie. I'm pretty sure he kept walking to the cafe. Probably to be sure that it really was me, and not just some girl who looked like she might be me, walking down the street. That could have been awkward!
We had a lovely lunch, and there was no shortage of conversation. I'd always thought he had nice eyes, but in person, they sparkled. I can't even remember most of what we talked about. I do remember that he told me about his younger brother. His taller, smarter younger brother who plays the guitar. And then said "I should really stop talking about my brother, you're going to want to date him instead!"
After we finished lunch, neither one of us was ready for the date to end, so we headed a few block away to a popular dessert place and had some sweets. I think it was there that he mentioned his last name. It's Italian. I've always had sort of a thing for Italians. This guy didn't immediately look Italian to me. But he is, in fact half. I remember thinking to myself, ah, ok, this makes sense now.
After dessert, he offered me a ride back to my apartment. He said his truck was just around the corner. Now, I realize, it's not necessarily the wisest thing for a girl to do, to get in a car, or should I say pick-up truck with a guy she just met. And, had I not been left alone on the corner the night before, I might not have been so eager for a ride. It was also broad daylight in busy Back Bay, and we only had a few city blocks to go. So, I jumped in.
As I mentioned, one of the things that had attracted me to this guy was his response to the soundtrack of his life question. Well, when we got in the truck, I found that he had actually burned his soundtrack to a CD and was playing it! Yes, this was my kind of guy. we drove the few blocks to my building, we talked about seeing each other again. and that was that.
We probably would have gone out again later that week, but I was headed to visit my mom during my spring break. Our second date was the day after I got back, on a Monday. Sushi, followed by a drink at a small bar by my place. I think we talked about AutoCAD and made fun of Architects. He's a structural engineer. I was studying to be an interior designer. And architects, well, they are a special breed. But I digress. Very romantic conversation, huh? That night, he walked me back to my building, and I got a small kiss on the lips. I was later told that he wanted to make sure he got the kiss in before the third date, and he was banished to the friend zone.
Our third date was that Friday, a tour of his old college stomping grounds. By then, I think we both thought it was going somewhere. He later told me that when he was in the bathroom at the bar, he heard the song 867-5309 (Jenny) and took it as a sign.
A few weeks later, he was picking me up after my night class for a late birthday dinner. He gave me a small travel jewelry box with a pair of cheesy red heart dangly earrings, and said it was for all the jewelry he was going to give me in the future. He's done a decent job so far!
That is just a quick retrospective of the early days to commemorate that day five years ago. I'll leave with some final thoughts of what I liked about him back then. Of course, this list could get far longer...but in keeping with today's topic, just some of the things that made me look forward to the next date.
* His sparkling eyes
* His enthusiasm and passion for simple things - he got really excited about that sushi
* His kindness - he always considers the feelings of others
* His love of his family - among other things, he and his brother visit their grandfather about every other week
* His helpfulness and creativity - he talked with me for hours developing ideas for my thesis, even though he was convinced he was part of my research (it had to do with dating)
* His willingness to be silly and passionate about things like life soundtracks and American Idol and hosting parties to determine the most definitive Christmas song
* His intelligence
Happy First Date Anniversary Babe! March was lucky five years ago. Let's hope it's lucky again. I love you.
I was excited to meet this guy. I liked what he said on his profile. Chemistry is a personality matching sight (I'm a negotiator director, he's a negotiator builder, and they take you through some guided "get to know you" exercises, where you exchanges silly questions and answers with your matches. I had asked him what songs would be on the soundtrack of his life. He was very thorough in his answer, and included some disco and a few show tunes. My classmates in grad school, who looked over my shoulder at the selections presented to me, had picked him as their favorite. And after the night before, I had high hopes.
I was anxious, so I'd left my place a little early, and ended up having some time to kill. I decided to browse around one of my favorite shoe stores, which was right across the street from the cafe. Finally, it was time to meet. As I crossed the street, I noticed a guy in a black leather jacket up the block, heading toward the cafe. It was him. I remember that he turned around a looked at me. We made eye contact, and he recognized me. It felt like a scene in a movie. I'm pretty sure he kept walking to the cafe. Probably to be sure that it really was me, and not just some girl who looked like she might be me, walking down the street. That could have been awkward!
We had a lovely lunch, and there was no shortage of conversation. I'd always thought he had nice eyes, but in person, they sparkled. I can't even remember most of what we talked about. I do remember that he told me about his younger brother. His taller, smarter younger brother who plays the guitar. And then said "I should really stop talking about my brother, you're going to want to date him instead!"
After we finished lunch, neither one of us was ready for the date to end, so we headed a few block away to a popular dessert place and had some sweets. I think it was there that he mentioned his last name. It's Italian. I've always had sort of a thing for Italians. This guy didn't immediately look Italian to me. But he is, in fact half. I remember thinking to myself, ah, ok, this makes sense now.
After dessert, he offered me a ride back to my apartment. He said his truck was just around the corner. Now, I realize, it's not necessarily the wisest thing for a girl to do, to get in a car, or should I say pick-up truck with a guy she just met. And, had I not been left alone on the corner the night before, I might not have been so eager for a ride. It was also broad daylight in busy Back Bay, and we only had a few city blocks to go. So, I jumped in.
As I mentioned, one of the things that had attracted me to this guy was his response to the soundtrack of his life question. Well, when we got in the truck, I found that he had actually burned his soundtrack to a CD and was playing it! Yes, this was my kind of guy. we drove the few blocks to my building, we talked about seeing each other again. and that was that.
We probably would have gone out again later that week, but I was headed to visit my mom during my spring break. Our second date was the day after I got back, on a Monday. Sushi, followed by a drink at a small bar by my place. I think we talked about AutoCAD and made fun of Architects. He's a structural engineer. I was studying to be an interior designer. And architects, well, they are a special breed. But I digress. Very romantic conversation, huh? That night, he walked me back to my building, and I got a small kiss on the lips. I was later told that he wanted to make sure he got the kiss in before the third date, and he was banished to the friend zone.
Our third date was that Friday, a tour of his old college stomping grounds. By then, I think we both thought it was going somewhere. He later told me that when he was in the bathroom at the bar, he heard the song 867-5309 (Jenny) and took it as a sign.
A few weeks later, he was picking me up after my night class for a late birthday dinner. He gave me a small travel jewelry box with a pair of cheesy red heart dangly earrings, and said it was for all the jewelry he was going to give me in the future. He's done a decent job so far!
That is just a quick retrospective of the early days to commemorate that day five years ago. I'll leave with some final thoughts of what I liked about him back then. Of course, this list could get far longer...but in keeping with today's topic, just some of the things that made me look forward to the next date.
* His sparkling eyes
* His enthusiasm and passion for simple things - he got really excited about that sushi
* His kindness - he always considers the feelings of others
* His love of his family - among other things, he and his brother visit their grandfather about every other week
* His helpfulness and creativity - he talked with me for hours developing ideas for my thesis, even though he was convinced he was part of my research (it had to do with dating)
* His willingness to be silly and passionate about things like life soundtracks and American Idol and hosting parties to determine the most definitive Christmas song
* His intelligence
Happy First Date Anniversary Babe! March was lucky five years ago. Let's hope it's lucky again. I love you.
3.10.2011
Now it's a two week wait.
Today is 3dpiui. (I'm assuming iui day is 0, but I really don't know. Anyone?) I've been told to call to come in for my blood work two weeks from today if my period still hasn't started. I've only made it to beta for my very first iui. It would be so excited and nerve wracking to finally get there again. Last iui cycle lasted only 22 days (iui was day 11). Does anyone else feel like I should be on progesterone? I actually have a bunch of suppositories in a bag in my closet from last months cancelled cycle. I'm very tempted to start using them. My RE doesn't test progesterone levels in the LP. I'm trying to embrace her philosophy, but when I read about so many others out there, I have to wonder.
Anyway, there are lots of random thoughts floating through my head, during this time of waiting. My Me-Day was great. I felt a lot better on Tuesday. Animated and light. I think the fact that the sun was shining helped a lot as well. Of course, it was gray yesterday, and I was a bit blah again. And work continues to be uninspiring, bouncing from one proect to the next, and not having ownership of anything 'cause I'm just helping out for a deadline.
Physically, I feel ok. I was very sleepy yesterday, and had a two hour nap after dinner while I waited for Hubby to get home from a meeting to we could watch Idol. (Any other fans out there? Tell me who you like...I think Casey rocks, Paul is quirky and fun, and Scotty is novel.) I was very bloated and uncomfortable yesterday in the afternoon. My uterus has felt really tight since Monday, although I think it is starting to relax some now. I've had two small signs of spotting, which really seems too early for implantation, and is probably just left over from the procedure. This morning, I woke up with sore boobs, which I'm glad about because consensus seems to be that progesterone is a a cause of this symptom.
Thanks for all the response and support for Laugh. Dream. Enjoy. I'm hoping it helps me. And I'm hoping I can keep up with it. We all say it often, but this community is really saving me from a dark place. It is so comforting to know that you are all out there, going through the same things, helping to give me a boost when I am feeling down.
So, before I get my butt in gear and finish getting ready for work, I have one last random question for you ladies. Do any of you blog using your iPhone? What apps do you use? I want to find something so I can post a few times on my trip, and not have to drag my whole laptop to London.
All right ladies, it's Thursday. Two more days to the weekend. Is that something to be excited about?
Anyway, there are lots of random thoughts floating through my head, during this time of waiting. My Me-Day was great. I felt a lot better on Tuesday. Animated and light. I think the fact that the sun was shining helped a lot as well. Of course, it was gray yesterday, and I was a bit blah again. And work continues to be uninspiring, bouncing from one proect to the next, and not having ownership of anything 'cause I'm just helping out for a deadline.
Physically, I feel ok. I was very sleepy yesterday, and had a two hour nap after dinner while I waited for Hubby to get home from a meeting to we could watch Idol. (Any other fans out there? Tell me who you like...I think Casey rocks, Paul is quirky and fun, and Scotty is novel.) I was very bloated and uncomfortable yesterday in the afternoon. My uterus has felt really tight since Monday, although I think it is starting to relax some now. I've had two small signs of spotting, which really seems too early for implantation, and is probably just left over from the procedure. This morning, I woke up with sore boobs, which I'm glad about because consensus seems to be that progesterone is a a cause of this symptom.
Thanks for all the response and support for Laugh. Dream. Enjoy. I'm hoping it helps me. And I'm hoping I can keep up with it. We all say it often, but this community is really saving me from a dark place. It is so comforting to know that you are all out there, going through the same things, helping to give me a boost when I am feeling down.
So, before I get my butt in gear and finish getting ready for work, I have one last random question for you ladies. Do any of you blog using your iPhone? What apps do you use? I want to find something so I can post a few times on my trip, and not have to drag my whole laptop to London.
All right ladies, it's Thursday. Two more days to the weekend. Is that something to be excited about?
* * *
Got to work and realized there one other question I wanted to ask everyone...there was discussion yesterday on Mac and PC about some, ahem, side effects of PIO injections. I've had issues with IBS for 10+ years. Recently, I had to stop taking my prenatal vitamins and switch to a multi-vitamin that had only 100% iron, instead of 150%. I'm supplementing with an individual folic acid pill to still get extra of that. Does anyone know where to find prenatals without iron? Kerri mentioned wanting to try them.
3.08.2011
It's time to laugh
One of the things that is so difficult while living in the land of IF it to find a way to enjoy each day, throughout the ups and downs, and the endless waiting. This experience can be so consuming, that it is easy to get lost in it's depths. As I mentioned, my mom said she misses me. And I miss myself. I found a glimmer of myself this weekend when I was watching General Hospital. There was a brilliant scene at the end of Sonny & Brenda's wedding which was almost a scene for scene recreation of the death of Lily, from fifteen or so years ago. It was the scene that hooked me on the show. I got so excited about the scene that I had to describe it to Hubby. I'm sure he thought I was crazy. And I realize, it's a strange thing to get excited about. But while I was describing it, I was excited. Animated. Interested. I was me. For a brief and fleeting moment. And it was nice.
I've been thinking a lot about adding a page to this blog to help me keep track of happy moments, moments of beauty, humor, enjoyment. In 2009, which was a rough year, I did Project 365, where I took a photo every day for a year and posted it on a blog. It was a fun experiment, and helped me to look for the beauty in each and every day. But this time I'm looking for something different. I saw this post this weekend by Christina. I knew it was time to join the ranks of others like Elphalba who also keeps a list on her blog, and Miss Conception who calls it Project Happy, and use this blog as a place to "find the joy" as well as feel the sadness.
And so dear readers, I introduce to you...
Inspired by the words Hubby and I carefully chose to name the tables at our wedding, I will attempt to keep a daily list of enjoyments so that life doesn't continue to just pass before my eyes.
I would love to hear what the rest of you out there do to keep yourselves in the moment.
3.07.2011
Me-day Monday
I just got back from my IUI. It went off without a hitch. Though, the nurse did struggle a bit with the catheter placement. And, when she was placing the speculum, I got the usual response of "Oh, you are very ovulatory!" Yep, those abundant egg whites again. It was a little lonely this time because Hubby wasn't with me. He went in at 7:30 to deposit his sample. I didn't have to show up until 9:00. Since it's a work day, we went our separate ways.
My way lead me back to my couch. I decided to call in, or really email, to work today. Isn't it nice that we don't need to fake a cough anymore? I've been struggling so much with my mood and my emotional state over the past few days. And last night, I was awake for about two hours in the middle of the night. That sealed my decision. I need a day to myself.
I'm supposed to call on 3.23 to schedule blood work if I haven't started my period by then. It's Day 28 of this cycle, but it's 16 days away! That's more than two weeks. No fair! I also was able to schedule my next appointment with Dr. A. The appointment I that I hope I won't need, but is scheduled in the same way that I put an umbrella in my bag hoping it won't rain. The appointment to discuss IVF once and for all. It's on 3.28, right before our trip to London, which is just how I wanted it.
I am trying not to feel guilty about missing work. Physically, I feel well enough to sit in a chair at my desk all day. Mentally well is another story. I don't haveanything much to do of my own these days at work. I've been floating from project to project helping others with their deadlines, waiting for a new project of my own. It's not very motivating. But it does allow me to fly under the radar a bit when I need to leave for appointments, or phone calls. Today, though, one of my favorite people to work with was planning on having me help her out with a deadline. She did only tell me about it on Friday. Screw it. Bringing Violetta into this world is my biggest priority, therefore taking care of myself before someone else's deadline is what's most important. If I need a Me-day Monday for the sake of my mental health, so be it.
I'm hoping to relax, watch my soaps, and think about ways to find this joy my mom is always talking about. She sent me an email this weekend saying she MISSES me. Well mom, I miss me too. Maybe my Me-day will help me find a little bit of me.
My way lead me back to my couch. I decided to call in, or really email, to work today. Isn't it nice that we don't need to fake a cough anymore? I've been struggling so much with my mood and my emotional state over the past few days. And last night, I was awake for about two hours in the middle of the night. That sealed my decision. I need a day to myself.
I'm supposed to call on 3.23 to schedule blood work if I haven't started my period by then. It's Day 28 of this cycle, but it's 16 days away! That's more than two weeks. No fair! I also was able to schedule my next appointment with Dr. A. The appointment I that I hope I won't need, but is scheduled in the same way that I put an umbrella in my bag hoping it won't rain. The appointment to discuss IVF once and for all. It's on 3.28, right before our trip to London, which is just how I wanted it.
I am trying not to feel guilty about missing work. Physically, I feel well enough to sit in a chair at my desk all day. Mentally well is another story. I don't have
I'm hoping to relax, watch my soaps, and think about ways to find this joy my mom is always talking about. She sent me an email this weekend saying she MISSES me. Well mom, I miss me too. Maybe my Me-day will help me find a little bit of me.
3.06.2011
Even Meredith can get benched
I've written before about Grey's and their infertility storyline. I finally caught up with the most recent episode from last week, and am pleased to say that they are carrying on.
Warning: Spoiler alert!
This week, Meredith started having vision problems due to her fertility medications. I actually experienced this last summer on my second round of Clomid. so I was interested to see how it would play out. Let me tell you, it's freaky when one day you can see your monitor, and the next day, no matter how close you sit, how much you squint, everything appears in a cloud. When this happened to me, it was actually 2-3 days after taking Clomid for 5 days. It was also a month into a new prescription for my contacts. I wasn't sure what to blame it on. But it did eventually clear up.
I mentioned it to the nurse who performed that first IUI. She said she would mention it to the doctor. I mentioned it to my eye doctor. He did not seem concerned about long term damage. So, I wasn't too concerned with trying Clomid again. I did end up using it two more times, and the vision issue did not repeat itself. Thank goodness. I'm in a visual career. I'm not sure what I would do if my vision was affected long term.
In Meredith's case, it was enough to take her out of a surgery. She was also made to stop her injections, with just two days left of the drugs. She was cancelled. And then she was benched, when the chief barred her from surgery until her vision was approved clear.
It wasn't the biggest story line in the episode, but it shed light on the fact that fertility treatments are very complicated, and can affect our lives in ways we never would have anticipated. It also briefly touched upon how tricky it is for everything in a cycle to fall into place, and that it doesn't always go the way we hope. The fact that I could start a round of treatments, and not actually make it to the IUI at the end was something that had never crossed my mind until it happened to me.
It can get cancelled. We can get benched. And so can Meredith.
Warning: Spoiler alert!
This week, Meredith started having vision problems due to her fertility medications. I actually experienced this last summer on my second round of Clomid. so I was interested to see how it would play out. Let me tell you, it's freaky when one day you can see your monitor, and the next day, no matter how close you sit, how much you squint, everything appears in a cloud. When this happened to me, it was actually 2-3 days after taking Clomid for 5 days. It was also a month into a new prescription for my contacts. I wasn't sure what to blame it on. But it did eventually clear up.
I mentioned it to the nurse who performed that first IUI. She said she would mention it to the doctor. I mentioned it to my eye doctor. He did not seem concerned about long term damage. So, I wasn't too concerned with trying Clomid again. I did end up using it two more times, and the vision issue did not repeat itself. Thank goodness. I'm in a visual career. I'm not sure what I would do if my vision was affected long term.
In Meredith's case, it was enough to take her out of a surgery. She was also made to stop her injections, with just two days left of the drugs. She was cancelled. And then she was benched, when the chief barred her from surgery until her vision was approved clear.
It wasn't the biggest story line in the episode, but it shed light on the fact that fertility treatments are very complicated, and can affect our lives in ways we never would have anticipated. It also briefly touched upon how tricky it is for everything in a cycle to fall into place, and that it doesn't always go the way we hope. The fact that I could start a round of treatments, and not actually make it to the IUI at the end was something that had never crossed my mind until it happened to me.
It can get cancelled. We can get benched. And so can Meredith.
3.05.2011
I am not a raging bitch
Or so my fantastic husband tells me as he hugs my while I take a deep breath, and kisses my cheeks as tears threaten to spill from my eyes.
I am feeling really grumpy today. I have to think it's got to be a hormone thing. It's so frustrating to feel so emotionally raw, and for no good logical reason. I am really excited about this cycle, and trying to maintain a positive attitude. So, when everything today is making me feel like screaming or crying...well, I just don't know what to do with that.
We are having some friends over for dinner tonight. Two couples who have yet to see our house, and one other woman. I am an interior designer, and I put a lot of pressure on myself for the house to look nice. And I also inherited the tendency to FREAK OUT WHEN CLEANING IN PREPARATION FOR GUESTS from my dear mother. The reality is, that I really have nothing to worry about in terms of how the house looks. I've already helped one couple out with their living room, and nearly every wall in their house is white. There is no question they will be impressed. The other couple recently moved back to the area, and their house is a disaster. We were there with a group over the holidays and we had to stand around the kitchen island because there was literally no where to sit. Every surface was either covered with stuff, or dog hair. Why am I worried what they will think?
I'm going to blame it on the hormones.
I got up this morning, and started to prepare dinner. I'm making cassoulet, and letting the slow cooker do the work. But it was an hour of prep. While I was cleaning the sink before I started chopping, I looked out the back window and saw Hubby. Oh, good, he's finally moving the broken branch of the pine tree off of the good branch before that one breaks off too. Wait a minute. Why the fuck is he outside? We have a meal to cook and a house to clean?
Then, he came back in, and was running up and down the stairs with tools and other supplies. I asked what he was doing and he said he was going to install the make shift counter he had in mind for our laundry room, in the interim before we buy a new washer and drier. Again, I got frustrated that he was doing home improvement projects when we have a house to clean, and dinner to prepare. He works so hard around our house, and manage to pull off amazing feats, for which I am eternally grateful. But he does have a tendency to get distracted at times. Like recently deciding to reorganize the kitchen cabinets when he initially intended to do the dishes...just hours before my mom was arriving for the weekend.
We had a little chat. He wanted to feel like he got something done to make his Saturday not just about cleaning. I wanted to make sure the cleaning was done and the house was ready before we actually did anything with our day. The poor guy. He hugged me, and laughed a nervous laugh. He tends to laugh when he thinks I'm losing my mind and he doesn't know what to do with me.
He said he was going to blame it on the hormones.
To his credit, when he finished the counter, he whirled about the house like a tornado, picking up all the accumulated crap, dusting every surface, straightening the office, even cleaning off his nightstand and sorting all the laundry so he could deposit it on his new countertop. And while I vacuumed, he cleaned the bathroom. Have I ever mentioned that I have the best husband ever?
Now, I have 3.5 hours until our guests arrive. I have a few hours to do something for me. And my amazing Hubby, for who I am eternal grateful, who hugs me, kisses me, and tells me I'm doing great, even though that's the farthest feeling from my mind, is taking a walk to buy the French bread that I forgot to get last night.
I love you babe. xoxo
Twenty minutes later...
Hubby returns from his walk with the french bread and a bouquet of flowers for hisraging bitch hormonal wife. Isn't he the best?
I am feeling really grumpy today. I have to think it's got to be a hormone thing. It's so frustrating to feel so emotionally raw, and for no good logical reason. I am really excited about this cycle, and trying to maintain a positive attitude. So, when everything today is making me feel like screaming or crying...well, I just don't know what to do with that.
We are having some friends over for dinner tonight. Two couples who have yet to see our house, and one other woman. I am an interior designer, and I put a lot of pressure on myself for the house to look nice. And I also inherited the tendency to FREAK OUT WHEN CLEANING IN PREPARATION FOR GUESTS from my dear mother. The reality is, that I really have nothing to worry about in terms of how the house looks. I've already helped one couple out with their living room, and nearly every wall in their house is white. There is no question they will be impressed. The other couple recently moved back to the area, and their house is a disaster. We were there with a group over the holidays and we had to stand around the kitchen island because there was literally no where to sit. Every surface was either covered with stuff, or dog hair. Why am I worried what they will think?
I'm going to blame it on the hormones.
I got up this morning, and started to prepare dinner. I'm making cassoulet, and letting the slow cooker do the work. But it was an hour of prep. While I was cleaning the sink before I started chopping, I looked out the back window and saw Hubby. Oh, good, he's finally moving the broken branch of the pine tree off of the good branch before that one breaks off too. Wait a minute. Why the fuck is he outside? We have a meal to cook and a house to clean?
Then, he came back in, and was running up and down the stairs with tools and other supplies. I asked what he was doing and he said he was going to install the make shift counter he had in mind for our laundry room, in the interim before we buy a new washer and drier. Again, I got frustrated that he was doing home improvement projects when we have a house to clean, and dinner to prepare. He works so hard around our house, and manage to pull off amazing feats, for which I am eternally grateful. But he does have a tendency to get distracted at times. Like recently deciding to reorganize the kitchen cabinets when he initially intended to do the dishes...just hours before my mom was arriving for the weekend.
We had a little chat. He wanted to feel like he got something done to make his Saturday not just about cleaning. I wanted to make sure the cleaning was done and the house was ready before we actually did anything with our day. The poor guy. He hugged me, and laughed a nervous laugh. He tends to laugh when he thinks I'm losing my mind and he doesn't know what to do with me.
He said he was going to blame it on the hormones.
To his credit, when he finished the counter, he whirled about the house like a tornado, picking up all the accumulated crap, dusting every surface, straightening the office, even cleaning off his nightstand and sorting all the laundry so he could deposit it on his new countertop. And while I vacuumed, he cleaned the bathroom. Have I ever mentioned that I have the best husband ever?
Now, I have 3.5 hours until our guests arrive. I have a few hours to do something for me. And my amazing Hubby, for who I am eternal grateful, who hugs me, kisses me, and tells me I'm doing great, even though that's the farthest feeling from my mind, is taking a walk to buy the French bread that I forgot to get last night.
I love you babe. xoxo
* * *
Twenty minutes later...
Hubby returns from his walk with the french bread and a bouquet of flowers for his
3.04.2011
This Just In
And now there are three!
I just got my results call from the lovely nurse Susan. We are a go for a Saturday night trigger, Monday morning IUI. Not exactly thrilled to do it in the morning before work. I've been spoiled. All my other IUIs have fallen on Saturdays. Not exactly thrilled that we are having friends over for dinner on Saturday, and will now have to mysteriously excuse ourselves for the trigger.
But VERY thrilled that we are on target. Thrilled that we now have three chances! Thrilled that my estradiol is going up! Thrilled that the big day is one day later than last time so those little eggs have an extra day to go big and strong!
Sigh. March...my month of love!
I just got my results call from the lovely nurse Susan. We are a go for a Saturday night trigger, Monday morning IUI. Not exactly thrilled to do it in the morning before work. I've been spoiled. All my other IUIs have fallen on Saturdays. Not exactly thrilled that we are having friends over for dinner on Saturday, and will now have to mysteriously excuse ourselves for the trigger.
But VERY thrilled that we are on target. Thrilled that we now have three chances! Thrilled that my estradiol is going up! Thrilled that the big day is one day later than last time so those little eggs have an extra day to go big and strong!
Sigh. March...my month of love!
Injection Insecurities
Good morning everyone. I just got into the office after my Day 9 monitoring appotinment. A half hour earlier than normal. Seriously, it's going to give me away one of these days, more so than coming in late would! I'm eagerly awaiting my results call to see if we will be triggering tonight for a Sunday morning IUI. We triggered on Day 9 with our last sucessful gonal f cycle. So we'll see. Does that seem extremely early to anyone by the way? It kind of freaked me out since I had been ovulating on Day 18 previously. But, I choose to look at it as progree.
Anyway, my dose this cycle is 112.5 Back down to the original dose after the 150 exuberant debacle of last month. Those of you familiar with the gonal f pen know that you can dial up doses in increments of 37.5. You pull out the plunger, confirm the does, and jab away. When you press the plunger, you get a click for each increment. Therefore, my injections go something like this...
Hubby finds a freckle to wipe with alcohol. He likes to have something to aim at. I turn my head. He sticks in the needle, presses the plunger, click "one," click "two," click "three... one... two... three... four... five" and out comes the needle.
Well, last night, this was not the case.
Click "one," click "two...um...hmmm" the plunger was all the way in. When Hubby pulled it out, there was a bead of the fluid on my stomach, and a drip coming out the end of the needle. Ok, now what? Did I get my full dose? It certainly didn't look like it! So what did we do? I made him stick me again with another 37.5 just in case! He's worried about exuberance, but since I knew I was only working with two, and we're likely to be triggered tonight, I figured I'd rather be sure I got enough, instead of too little. Has anything like this ever happened to any of you? When it's 10:00pm, there's not really anyone to call for advice! Whatever. It's done now. I'm not going to panic about it.
In other thoughts, it's one month until my dreaded 36th birthday, which I am really freaking out about much more than 35. I really thought I would be a mom by now. I was going to do it on my own at 35 if I had to. This is not at all what I had planned.
Yesterday, I had to go to the OB/GYN for a pap. It was uneventful. She said everything looks good, and she hopes she sees me soon. I do too! It was that damn waiting room with all the big bellies that was the problem. One of the women even had a girl with her who looked less than 2. All the other women we're standing around her being entertained. I sat against the wall reading your blogs on my phone. Grr...
And then today, as I was walking into the hospital where my RE is, I noticed a guy fussing with a car seat in the back of his car. The hospital has a popular maternity ward, and I thought, oh, how nice for him, he's probably getting ready to go in and get his wife and his new baby to bring them home. Lucky bastard. As I was walking up the steps to the vestibule, I saw his wife, frantically gesturing to him to hurry. He ran past me up the stairs, and I noticed he had an overnight bag. And then I saw her belly. Yes, I think she was an angry pregnant woman in labor who was out of patience, and irritated with her husband. Lucky fertile. For some reason, that scene struck me hard. I actually teared up and thought, when I get to work, I am going to write about this instead of starting work like I should.
The good news is that I feel really good this cycle. I am trying to maintain optimisim with my month of love and strong Sagitarian genetic tendancies.
And the best news is that it's Friday! Ok, back to work everyone!
Anyway, my dose this cycle is 112.5 Back down to the original dose after the 150 exuberant debacle of last month. Those of you familiar with the gonal f pen know that you can dial up doses in increments of 37.5. You pull out the plunger, confirm the does, and jab away. When you press the plunger, you get a click for each increment. Therefore, my injections go something like this...
Hubby finds a freckle to wipe with alcohol. He likes to have something to aim at. I turn my head. He sticks in the needle, presses the plunger, click "one," click "two," click "three... one... two... three... four... five" and out comes the needle.
Well, last night, this was not the case.
Click "one," click "two...um...hmmm" the plunger was all the way in. When Hubby pulled it out, there was a bead of the fluid on my stomach, and a drip coming out the end of the needle. Ok, now what? Did I get my full dose? It certainly didn't look like it! So what did we do? I made him stick me again with another 37.5 just in case! He's worried about exuberance, but since I knew I was only working with two, and we're likely to be triggered tonight, I figured I'd rather be sure I got enough, instead of too little. Has anything like this ever happened to any of you? When it's 10:00pm, there's not really anyone to call for advice! Whatever. It's done now. I'm not going to panic about it.
In other thoughts, it's one month until my dreaded 36th birthday, which I am really freaking out about much more than 35. I really thought I would be a mom by now. I was going to do it on my own at 35 if I had to. This is not at all what I had planned.
Yesterday, I had to go to the OB/GYN for a pap. It was uneventful. She said everything looks good, and she hopes she sees me soon. I do too! It was that damn waiting room with all the big bellies that was the problem. One of the women even had a girl with her who looked less than 2. All the other women we're standing around her being entertained. I sat against the wall reading your blogs on my phone. Grr...
And then today, as I was walking into the hospital where my RE is, I noticed a guy fussing with a car seat in the back of his car. The hospital has a popular maternity ward, and I thought, oh, how nice for him, he's probably getting ready to go in and get his wife and his new baby to bring them home. Lucky bastard. As I was walking up the steps to the vestibule, I saw his wife, frantically gesturing to him to hurry. He ran past me up the stairs, and I noticed he had an overnight bag. And then I saw her belly. Yes, I think she was an angry pregnant woman in labor who was out of patience, and irritated with her husband. Lucky fertile. For some reason, that scene struck me hard. I actually teared up and thought, when I get to work, I am going to write about this instead of starting work like I should.
The good news is that I feel really good this cycle. I am trying to maintain optimisim with my month of love and strong Sagitarian genetic tendancies.
And the best news is that it's Friday! Ok, back to work everyone!
3.02.2011
Two is better than one...or eight!
Just a quick recap on how this cycle is progressing. I had a monitoring appointment bright and early this morning. I made it there on time, and without any marathon trainers or giant pot holders this time. Although. I did have to get up about an hour earlier than usual. I reset the time on my alarm last night, but then never actually set it! Good thing I didn't really sleep last night, so I had my eye on the clock. I was at work an hour earlier than usual. Now, that's the kind of behavior that is going to make my coworkers suspicious!
Random question for you ladies, just out of curiosity. When you're visiting with the dildo-cam, do they ask you if you want to put it in yourself? And do you? I never do. I'm too busy clutching the thin paper blanket around my ass to want to reach down between my legs. But anyway!
I got my results this afternoon. All looks good. Two follicles on the left this time. Much better than the exuberance of last time, and an improvement over our December IUI with gonal f, where we only had one. Back on Friday. Oh, and a pap smear tomorrow with my OB/GYN. Busy week for my hooha.
On the subject of March, thanks for all the words of support. As Amanda put it, it is my month of love. So, I'll focus my energies on that. That, and the fact that Hubby, his brother and his father are all Sagitarians. Here's hoping that those little swimmers have a strong desire to keep up the family tradition.
Coming soon, another chapter in the my dad is an ass story, and the story of how Hubby and I first met.
Random question for you ladies, just out of curiosity. When you're visiting with the dildo-cam, do they ask you if you want to put it in yourself? And do you? I never do. I'm too busy clutching the thin paper blanket around my ass to want to reach down between my legs. But anyway!
I got my results this afternoon. All looks good. Two follicles on the left this time. Much better than the exuberance of last time, and an improvement over our December IUI with gonal f, where we only had one. Back on Friday. Oh, and a pap smear tomorrow with my OB/GYN. Busy week for my hooha.
On the subject of March, thanks for all the words of support. As Amanda put it, it is my month of love. So, I'll focus my energies on that. That, and the fact that Hubby, his brother and his father are all Sagitarians. Here's hoping that those little swimmers have a strong desire to keep up the family tradition.
Coming soon, another chapter in the my dad is an ass story, and the story of how Hubby and I first met.
3.01.2011
March Sucks
It's dark. It's dreary. It's wet. It's mushy. It's cold. It's damp.
It is the month when December babies are conceived.
Meaning, that for many of us, it's the last chance to conceive a baby that will be born in this calendar year. The last chance to ensure that a new little one has some gifts to open under the tree. (I'm assuming no one wants to count on a premie here, although I know many of us secretly hope for twins at times.)
It is the month before my birthday. April 4th.
Meaning, that is is the last chance for me to be pregnant before I turn 36. The last chance for success before moving yet another year further into the dreaded advanced maternal age, where the chances just keep decreasing faster and faster as the years go by. It is also the last IUI we will attempt before officially transitioning to IVF.
Yeah, March sucks.
But March is the month I met my amazing Hubby. Five years ago, this March. It's also the month we got engaged. Four years ago, this March. So I will try to focus on those happy anniversaries this month instead of my last chance to beat two more milestones, which are really just fabrications of the calendar we live by, right? And maybe, just maybe, this March won't suck after all.
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