Seeking a Zen Jen

Has anyone been listening to the Fertility Focus Telesummit? I've actually managed to catch quite a few of the speakers this week, and my mind is swimming. Before I even started listening, I was thinking about how I can improve my mindset in this journey. I know that if IVF is indeed in my future, I need to find peace, I need to achieve zen. Of course, now there are so many thoughts floating through my mind about healthier eating, and emotional well being, that it's hard to know where to begin. And that doesn't really help with the zen...

So, I apologize if this post is scattered. But it's about the process, not the end result.

I have been considering acupuncture for awhile. I know many people who have used it for various things, and it always seems to be a very positive experience. I suppose one thing that has been holding me back is not wanting to spend extra money, when we have such a long list of things to buy for our house. But the more I read about it, the more I think I want to give it a try. Perhaps, this is why Sarah Holland's EFT technique spoke to me. It ties in emotions with pressure points. I just tried one of her videos. It's quick, simple, and free! I still think I want to schedule an initial acupuncture consultation for after my vacation.

Another session that resonated with me from the telesummit was Sue Dumais, who spoke about solving your fertility puzzle. One of the things she stressed was determining whether our thoughts/actions come from a place of fear, or a place of love. Only hours after listening to her, I found myself logging into my medical records to see if any of my blood work results from Friday morning were in, and then consulting Dr. Google about my E2 level. And then I realized...it was from fear. Fear that that the level would mean something bad. I know perfectly well that I only have to wait until 8:30 am on Monday to get to ask the doctor all of my questions. What good was Dr. Google going to do me?

She also spoke about trying to focus on what we've gotten out of the journey, and not on the "why is this happening to me?" type questions. I want to learn to focus on the love. The love I feel for Hubby as he goes through this journey with me. The love we feel for Violetta as we plan and hope for her arrival. The love I need to feel for myself as a mother, because I am going to be an awesome mom, and Violetta is going to be lucky to get to experience my awesomeness!

Many of the sessions have me thinking about negative energy/emotions in life in general, and how they might be affecting my ability to conceive, especially all the stuff with my dad. I need to keep working on that. I need to write the rest of the story. I need to figure out how to get mad at him, so I can grieve what our relationship never was, and figure out if there is any future relationship to be had. I need to do this somehow so I can purge the negativity. I work on it most weeks with my therapist, but it is. really. hard.

And I need to share. I need my friends, most of whom don't live anywhere near by. I have all of you, and for that, I am eternally grateful. But I am becoming more and more consumed, lost, lonely in real life. I fear this is not the path to zen. I need something more tangible. yet, I am afraid to share this dark roller coaster ride. (now that, right there, I called it dark. I should focus instead on what this ride has taught me, and not that it is dark!) I decided to write my three best friends and update them about what has been going on with us these last seven months since I met my RE. It's a start.

I was also struck by Miss Conception's most recent post, which is about going public, speaking up, making a stink about this journey, so that infertility can get the attention it needs, and the insurance coverage it deserves. I highly recommend reading the article she mentions at the end. It brings up really important stuff. As for how I feel about going public...I'm not ready. It's too hard to get through the tww with just me and Hubby. I can't imagine taking my mom, other family and friends along with me. But I think I am going to share that IVF is coming with a few people, like my friends I just emailed. I won't tell them when, specifically, just that I hope to have good news to share with them this fall. And the other thing we can all do is to support organizations like RESOLVE. I joined the Mass chapter, and it was very affordable, less than the cost of one acupuncture session.

Oh, and lastly, in my quest to be a Zen Jen, I'm thinking of C&B...thoughts? People seem to like it.

I've given myself a lot to try, huh? Acupuncture, meditation, EFT/Tapping, reaching out to friends, acting from love and not fear. Whew...it is a process isn't it. (Have I mentioned I've never been a fan of process?)