Seeking Inspiration/20 Questions

I just haven't been feeling it lately. It could be the sinus infection that took up much of my February, or the fact that I've been on z*loft for a little over a month and might be suffering a bit from apathy. It might be that I've got less than two months left at home with my little man, and I want to soak him up. It could be that my mom got be addicted to a silly game called Ruzzle which mindlessly takes up my nights not instead of blogging or working on photo projects, etc. Whatever it is, I'm struggling to find the motivation to write. Maybe I just don't need it right now. But, I do miss it. I miss the action of my fingers clicking across the keyboard. So, PAIL's 20 Questions seemed like an easy way to spend some time with the laptop again.

What was the last thing you threw in the garbage/recycling?—A Dunkin Donuts decaf coffee pod.

What’s the #1 most played song on your iPod?—Haven't really been playing it much lately. I've been listening to Pandora. But my favorite playlist is one I compiled from a bunch of songs that have been on So You Think You Can Dance over the years. 

What is your favorite quote?—I've always loved this one from Dreams for an Insomniac. "Anything less than mad, passionate, extrodinary love is a waste of your time. There are to many ordinary things in life, love shouldn't be one of them."

What chore do you absolutely hate doing?—Cleaning the bathroom.

What is your favorite form of exercise?—Eating? I wish I had a favorite form of exercise. That would make it easier to get some. I used to be a dancer. Now, I pretty much just walk for exercise. 

What is your favorite time of day/day of the week/month of the year?—These days, I love my afternoon naps with L. My favorite day is Saturday because it's just the beginning of two days of family time. My favorite month is October. I love the weather, just starting to get cool, the colors, the crispness, Halloween! Any excuse to play dress up! And now I get to celebrate my little man's birthday in my favorite month every year.

What is on your bedside table?—More prescription medications than I would care to admit, an alarm clock radio/iphone dock, a lamp, two coasters, a glass of water, earrings, a baby monitor, a hair clip.

What is your favorite body part?—On myself, I've always love my eyes, and my wrists. My wrists are dainty and skinny like the rest of me is not!

Would you use the power of invisibility for good or evil? Elaborate.—Oooh, tough one. I hate to admit it, but it's true, I might just use it for personal gain. And some might consider that to be evil. 

If you could choose to stay a certain age forever, what age would it be?—28, but I wish I could have known my husband then. I had so much more energy for life back then! And fewer worries somehow, even though I was essentially an unemployed grad student living off credit cards!

What is the first thing you would do if you won the lottery?—Buy a bigger house. And furnish it. 

What is your biggest pet peeve?—Hmmm...Judging by the fact that my blood pressure rises every time I have to go through a four-way stop sign, I might have to say the complete misunderstanding of so many drivers as to what you are actually supposed to do in that situation. 

If you could know the answer to any question, what would it be?—Are there really other planets out there with some sort of life form?

At what age did you become an adult?—37.5, when I gave birth to L. I might have been pretending to be a grown up for the last 15 years, but being responsible for another human being really seals the deal. 

Recommend a book, movie, or television show in three sentences or less.—Modern Family makes me laugh out loud every single week. I think anyone can find someone to identify with on that show. I find myself thinking "yes, exactly!" all the time. 

What did you do growing up that got you into trouble?—I was a goody two-shoes. I didn't really get into trouble. Or, if I tried, I didn't get caught! I did get in trouble in first grade for making a doll house in my desk and playing with that during lessons instead of listening. And in third grade for putting elmer's glue on my hands and peeling it off when it dried. I sound totally lame. 

What was the first album you bought with your own money?—Goodness, I have no recollection, but I am old enough that it was certainly a cassette tape. Probably Madonna. I do remember that the Immaculate Collection was the first CD I ever owned. It was a gift though. And I remember spending an obscene amount of money on a multiple cassette of the complete symphonic recording of Les Miserable when I was in junior high. 

If someone wrote a book about you, what would be the title?—I've always thought the book I would write about myself would be called "Tales of My Ridiculous Life." In fact, I had considered that as a name for my blog. Sometimes I wish I had gone with that. Maybe I'll change someday. If someone else wrote about me...hmmm...that's tough. A cheesy title would be "The Girl Who Could." because there's never been anything I haven't been able to to do if I set my mind to it and stuck to it long enough. Maybe I'd have a little more confidence in myself if I could just remember that more often!

What story do you wish your family would stop telling about you?—There aren't really any stories I'm sick of hearing. It's more that I'm sick of being made fun of for the elaborate stories that I have told over the years! 

True or false: The unicorn is the greatest mythical creature. State your case.—I think I'm more partial to mermaids. Could be because I've been listening to too much of the kids radio on Pandora and have had "Part of This World" stuck in my head.

Ahhh, it did feel good to type. It took be two days and several sittings to finish this. But yes, I enjoyed hearing the keyboard clicking away. Now to find the time and motivation to read all the other answers! I'm hoping to get a five month post up in the next day or so, but we are heading to England to visit my brother and his family on Saturday, so it might have to wait until we get back. Wish me luck traveling overseas with my little guy and my afraid to fly hubby!

PS: Even though I'm feeling a little blah, I am doing worlds better on the PPD front. Intrusive thoughts and overwhelmed tearful episodes seem to be a thing of the past! 

Intrusive Thoughts

So, those crazy thoughts...I did mention them, right? The ones where I see the stroller slipping out of my hands and rolling into traffic, or me stepping on his head accidentally, or letting go of him when I'm walking up and down the stairs? Turns out they have a name.

Intrusive Post Partum Thoughts.

And now I can stop worrying about acting on them. Not that I ever actually, logically thought I would act on them. But when they happen over and over and over for months, it's hard not to think that you're some kind of freakish monster of a mother. I was commended for admitting them so early. And I share this now, because I know some of you out there are having them too. You'll be ok.

And those thoughts will be diminishing soon as my prescription for Z*loft is currently being called into the pharmacy.

It is not an easy decision for me to return to the world of SSRIs. I struggled to get off of them after eight years, before beginning TTC. And I'm sure there are many who would disagree with my decision. But I need the thoughts to stop. I need to be able to sleep when L does. He's had two great 10 hour intervals between feedings this week, and I've been staring at the ceiling for hours. Not fun. So yeah. After being off meds for 4.5 years, I'm going back. Talking it out just isn't going to cut it right now. Let's hope my nutritional expertise garnered from my bout with GD will help to fend off the weight gain!

Now, how did I end up here? Well, like I said I would, I called my OB, and received the name of a therapist to visit. I just came from finally meeting with her. I will also be seeing a psychiatrist at the end of February. In the meantime, by OB is prescribing Z*loft and At*van.

The therapist, Dr. K, told me that there are three situations that set people up for PPD. And I only have one. So, there's some good news. In case you are curious, those situations are:

1. An extremely fussy baby
2. Extreme issues with nursing forcing the need to stop
3. Sleep issues

Hello insmomniac. (Typo intended. I'm coining the term "insmomnia," right now. Yes, I am.)

One of these days, I will write a post about sleep. It's not all that bad in our house. But we have had some issues with where L has been sleeping. Over the past few weeks, we have made tons of improvements. For him. Not me. But like I said, sleep is a post in itself.

Aside from meds, I'm going back to the therapist in a week or so (cancellation waiting list dependent). She's going to teach me techniques for dealing with anxiety, which, despite my years upon years of therapy, is not something I've ever been truly taught. I have been instructed to leave the house at least once a day, if only to go for a drive through a drive-thru somewhere. (There are not enough drive-thrus near me. Must research!) And I need help. I need someone else to spend time with L so I can have time for myself. Maybe I should just join the Y so I can exercise and leave L at their daycare. But I'm so NOT a gym person!

We're alone together for a good part of many days. And lately, Hubby has been coming home late from work, and working on projects around the house on the weekends when he is actually home. We need to find a better balance here. And, it's time to start getting my MIL to come watch L every now and then. She's going to be doing it one day a week come May, so I guess it's never too early to start practicing, right? I'm not quite sure I'm ready for traditional baby sitters just yet. But maybe I need to research. 

I need to keep trying to set up play dates and outings with the few mom friends I have and take advantage of the women that I've meet through my Isis classes to go to the mall or more mommy movies. 

And I need to know that I'm a good mom, and I will be ok. I'm going to kick those intrusive thoughts to the curb!