Violetta the First deserved her own post. In other news, I had my day 7 ultrasound and blood work today. Things are going well...I have A LOT of follicles. My dose is being cut in half for tonight. Back in tomorrow for more poking and prodding. I hope they don't want me to come back on Wednesday as well, as we are about the get bitch slapped with a colossal snow storm here in the Boston area over the next two days. Good thing I married that guy with the pick-up truck.
And a funny, annoying irony I wanted to share from last week. Tuesday afternoon, I'm in the bathroom, discovering the blood. And my phone started to ring. I didn't answer of course, but it was the OB/GYN's office, who I haven't seen in six months since I traded up to the RE. Talk about timing. They left a message stating that I was overdue for a follow-up pap smear to my abnormal from last year. Apparently, I should have followed up in September.
Funny thing is, Dr. S never mentioned following up in six months when I saw her last March. I seem to remember her saying that everything looked fine. She would do a pap smear in one of my first visits once I was pregnant. So I shouldn't worry. Guess she didn't think it would take this long.
Thanks for rubbing it in.
1.31.2011
Violetta Margarita the First
One year ago today, I had my first and only BF(ok, maybe not, more like kinda faint and confusing...)P.
It was a Sunday night, I was about 4 days late. I had tested at one day late which was BFN. I thought I should wait until the morning for a better result, but the box of tests had a few, and I was impatient. I went up to the bathroom. And there was that puzzlingly faint, second pink line.
I went right downstairs and showed it to Hubby for his opinion. I wanted to be excited. He was skeptical and started googling. I went to grab the one book I'd purchased on pregnancy to brush up on what I needed to immediately cut out of my diet. I figured I would wait another few days and test again, hopefully to find a darker line. I went to bed feeling optimistic, nervous, and not fully conscious of my emotions. Violetta was just becoming the smallest glimmer of a reality.
As I mentioned in my first post, it was the first cycle where I had been charting my BBT. When I awoke in the morning, my temperature had dropped to pre-ovulation levels. I was confused and worried. I'd barely even absorbed the fact that I was/could be pregnant with Violetta the First. I confirmed that the temperature drop was not a good sign with good old google. And I waited.
The blood came around 4pm while I was a work. I called Hubby to let him know that as quickly as Violetta showed up, she was gone. That night, we were headed with my brother-in-law, J, to visit Hubby's 89 year old grandfather. The guys go every other Monday, and sometimes I tag along. Because of what I was going through, even though I wanted to go home, curl up in a ball and sob, there was no way I was going to be alone. We met at home quickly for a hug, and to drop off one car, and then headed off to pick up J. I cried a bit in the car, but had to compose myself because I did not want to be a basket case in front of J, or grandpa.
So, I put on a brave face, and sat on the hard wooden chair in Grampa's kitchen, despite my cramping gut, aching back, and breaking heart. I even had to sneak off to the living room to make sure to call my five-month pregnant sister-in-law, to wish her a happy birthday. I think I never really managed to properly grieve. I'm not even sure I know yet what the proper amount of grief for a chemical pregnancy, which was so short lived, should be.
What I do know is that I wanted to write the post today, on the anniversary of the day that Violetta the First made her appearance, not tomorrow, the anniversary of the day she left. Month after month I have tried to remain optimistic that her brief existence at least confirms that Hubby and I are capable of conceiving. And that's something.
(Speaking of Grampa, Hubby and J are there right now. My Skype just rang. It was Hubby from Grampa's kitchen, conferencing in me and his mom for a demonstration. They like to keep Grampa up on modern technology. Thankfully my version of Skype is old and does not support video on three-way calls, so they could not all see the tears pouring down my face. I am now about to select an e-card for sis-in-law since she now lives in London and I won't get to call her tomorrow).
It was a Sunday night, I was about 4 days late. I had tested at one day late which was BFN. I thought I should wait until the morning for a better result, but the box of tests had a few, and I was impatient. I went up to the bathroom. And there was that puzzlingly faint, second pink line.
I went right downstairs and showed it to Hubby for his opinion. I wanted to be excited. He was skeptical and started googling. I went to grab the one book I'd purchased on pregnancy to brush up on what I needed to immediately cut out of my diet. I figured I would wait another few days and test again, hopefully to find a darker line. I went to bed feeling optimistic, nervous, and not fully conscious of my emotions. Violetta was just becoming the smallest glimmer of a reality.
As I mentioned in my first post, it was the first cycle where I had been charting my BBT. When I awoke in the morning, my temperature had dropped to pre-ovulation levels. I was confused and worried. I'd barely even absorbed the fact that I was/could be pregnant with Violetta the First. I confirmed that the temperature drop was not a good sign with good old google. And I waited.
The blood came around 4pm while I was a work. I called Hubby to let him know that as quickly as Violetta showed up, she was gone. That night, we were headed with my brother-in-law, J, to visit Hubby's 89 year old grandfather. The guys go every other Monday, and sometimes I tag along. Because of what I was going through, even though I wanted to go home, curl up in a ball and sob, there was no way I was going to be alone. We met at home quickly for a hug, and to drop off one car, and then headed off to pick up J. I cried a bit in the car, but had to compose myself because I did not want to be a basket case in front of J, or grandpa.
So, I put on a brave face, and sat on the hard wooden chair in Grampa's kitchen, despite my cramping gut, aching back, and breaking heart. I even had to sneak off to the living room to make sure to call my five-month pregnant sister-in-law, to wish her a happy birthday. I think I never really managed to properly grieve. I'm not even sure I know yet what the proper amount of grief for a chemical pregnancy, which was so short lived, should be.
What I do know is that I wanted to write the post today, on the anniversary of the day that Violetta the First made her appearance, not tomorrow, the anniversary of the day she left. Month after month I have tried to remain optimistic that her brief existence at least confirms that Hubby and I are capable of conceiving. And that's something.
(Speaking of Grampa, Hubby and J are there right now. My Skype just rang. It was Hubby from Grampa's kitchen, conferencing in me and his mom for a demonstration. They like to keep Grampa up on modern technology. Thankfully my version of Skype is old and does not support video on three-way calls, so they could not all see the tears pouring down my face. I am now about to select an e-card for sis-in-law since she now lives in London and I won't get to call her tomorrow).
1.29.2011
An Award (times two)!
After only starting this blog about three weeks ago, I am incredibly honored to have received my first award, twice in the same day! Many thanks to Amanda at Our Fertility Journey and Christa at I Can't Control Everything. I started this blog not only for theraputic reasons, but because for a long time, I've felt a void of good female friendship. It seems I always find myself in situations where I'm just a little to young, a little to old, or just can't quite relate to the women around me. The best girlfriends I've had through the years all live far away, and all but one has at least one child by now. Which, as you all can imagine, can just adds another level of hardship to maintaining a relationship, which is already made difficult by busy lives and distance. So, anyway (one thing about me that I won't mention below, is that I have a tendency to babble!) it really means a lot to me to be joining this amazing and supportive community.
So, here's how this one works:
1. Thank and link back to the person who gave you the award
2. Share 7 things about yourself
3. Award some recently discovered bloggers that are deserving
4. Contact those bloggers and let them know about the award
7 Things About Me
1. I love soap operas. I TiVo General Hospital every day (and have been recording it faithfully since 1996). I watch it while I get ready for work in the morning instead of the news, (which I find to depressing) or while I am on the elliptical. I also used to tape Days of Our Lives, which I essentially watched from the womb with my mom, until I got too busy to keep up with two soaps a day while in grad school. Over the years I have also watched Another World and Santa Barbara.
2. My favorite candy is a Cadbury Creme Egg. They have just hit stores for the season. I wish they would wait until after Valentine's Day. It's not good for my waistline. I've already had two this year, and have three more waiting in my kitchen right now.
3. I never thought I would marry a man who drove a pick-up truck, but I did. It's pretty handy to own a pick-up truck. And the guy who drives it is pretty awesome as well.
4. I love to plan parties. In elementary school, I would start planning my April birthday party as soon as the christmas decorations were put away. The problem is, I have such high expectations of my parties, that I often have more fun planning them than I do at the actual party.
5. I don't really enjoy coming up with random lists of things about me. First, my mind goes blank, and I think, goodness, I am really uninteresting. Then I think of something that just sounds too silly, or stupid. I'm a perfectionist. These things stress me out! : )
6. I really enjoy the sport of figure skating. I used to be truly obsessed. I've lost touch with it in the last few years, but I used to religiously tape every event I could find on TV, and catalogue what was on the tapes. Somewhere in my mother's basement, there's a box of 60 video tapes. For my Canadian followers out there, my all time favorite skater is Kurt Browning.
7. I like to play dress up. I used to have theme birthday parties and Halloween parties every year. We had an 80s themed New Year's Eve party last year. Everyone dressed up. It was hysterical to see a bunch of 40-somethings in their 80s finest (see, Hubby is 42...so I'm just enough younger than our main group of friends...none of whom want to have children, but that's another topic, for another day....yes, I babble...). I love to make Halloween costumes. I'm really looking forward to making them for Violetta someday.
The Deserving Bloggers
Since I'm only a month in to this whole blog thing, all the blogs I'm following are recently discovered to me. Here are some of my favorites that, as far as I can tell, have yet to receive this award.
Do I Have to Be A Dink
Miss Conception
No I'm Not Pregnant, I'm Just Fat
The 2 Week Wait
Uncommon Nonsense
Womb for Improvement
Yolk...a blog about eggs and sperm
Ginger and Lime
So, here's how this one works:
1. Thank and link back to the person who gave you the award
2. Share 7 things about yourself
3. Award some recently discovered bloggers that are deserving
4. Contact those bloggers and let them know about the award
7 Things About Me
1. I love soap operas. I TiVo General Hospital every day (and have been recording it faithfully since 1996). I watch it while I get ready for work in the morning instead of the news, (which I find to depressing) or while I am on the elliptical. I also used to tape Days of Our Lives, which I essentially watched from the womb with my mom, until I got too busy to keep up with two soaps a day while in grad school. Over the years I have also watched Another World and Santa Barbara.
2. My favorite candy is a Cadbury Creme Egg. They have just hit stores for the season. I wish they would wait until after Valentine's Day. It's not good for my waistline. I've already had two this year, and have three more waiting in my kitchen right now.
3. I never thought I would marry a man who drove a pick-up truck, but I did. It's pretty handy to own a pick-up truck. And the guy who drives it is pretty awesome as well.
4. I love to plan parties. In elementary school, I would start planning my April birthday party as soon as the christmas decorations were put away. The problem is, I have such high expectations of my parties, that I often have more fun planning them than I do at the actual party.
5. I don't really enjoy coming up with random lists of things about me. First, my mind goes blank, and I think, goodness, I am really uninteresting. Then I think of something that just sounds too silly, or stupid. I'm a perfectionist. These things stress me out! : )
6. I really enjoy the sport of figure skating. I used to be truly obsessed. I've lost touch with it in the last few years, but I used to religiously tape every event I could find on TV, and catalogue what was on the tapes. Somewhere in my mother's basement, there's a box of 60 video tapes. For my Canadian followers out there, my all time favorite skater is Kurt Browning.
7. I like to play dress up. I used to have theme birthday parties and Halloween parties every year. We had an 80s themed New Year's Eve party last year. Everyone dressed up. It was hysterical to see a bunch of 40-somethings in their 80s finest (see, Hubby is 42...so I'm just enough younger than our main group of friends...none of whom want to have children, but that's another topic, for another day....yes, I babble...). I love to make Halloween costumes. I'm really looking forward to making them for Violetta someday.
The Deserving Bloggers
Since I'm only a month in to this whole blog thing, all the blogs I'm following are recently discovered to me. Here are some of my favorites that, as far as I can tell, have yet to receive this award.
Do I Have to Be A Dink
Miss Conception
No I'm Not Pregnant, I'm Just Fat
The 2 Week Wait
Uncommon Nonsense
Womb for Improvement
Yolk...a blog about eggs and sperm
Ginger and Lime
1.27.2011
I did it!
I gave myself my first injection without Hubby and it went just fine. Whew. Tomorrow night, I'll be home and he can take over again. After seeing what some of you have been going through lately, it seems silly to get worked up over one little sub-cutaneous gonal f injection. Anyway, I stayed relaxed, and wasn't nearly as bad as I thought.
I am mostly managing to have a the time with the girls, except for the fact that I have for down with a ridiculous cold. I have a sore throat, a splitting headache and the chills! At one point today during the tour, I had to go outside and lie in the van for fear of passing out. And now, while my companions are out enjoying dinner, I'm lying in bed alternating between shivering and sweating, with a bandaid on my thigh. At least knowing I am alone in the house made the shot easier. My dose this time is 150, up from 112.5. I'm taking that as a good sign. Anything that is a change I consider progress.
I'm sending positive energy to all you ladies out there, especially Christa and Bridgett. iPhone commenting is not the easiest, but I'm thinking of you.
I am mostly managing to have a the time with the girls, except for the fact that I have for down with a ridiculous cold. I have a sore throat, a splitting headache and the chills! At one point today during the tour, I had to go outside and lie in the van for fear of passing out. And now, while my companions are out enjoying dinner, I'm lying in bed alternating between shivering and sweating, with a bandaid on my thigh. At least knowing I am alone in the house made the shot easier. My dose this time is 150, up from 112.5. I'm taking that as a good sign. Anything that is a change I consider progress.
I'm sending positive energy to all you ladies out there, especially Christa and Bridgett. iPhone commenting is not the easiest, but I'm thinking of you.
1.26.2011
At the gate.
I made it through security. They did look in my bag, but I as here way before everyone else, so I didn't have to explain to the girls. I have the gonal f pen in the original packaging in a cooler in my suitcase. When I came though the xray machine (which I probably would have opted out of if I was still waiting) my shoes, coat and purse were there, but not my suitcase. Great! Turns out they had to put it through again. Big surprise. Then, the officer had to open it. But they were very nice. I told them that it was injectable medication that needed to be kept cold. He said next time, just put the cooler through separately an it should be fine.
I did make it in to the RE for my day 2 (more like hour 16, but when it starts at 4 in the afternoon, web are you supposed to start counting?) baseline ultrasound. And then they took blood too. Which they didn't do on day 3 last time. And now I am paranoid.
But, there is nothing I can do but await the call with instructions, right? It's time to relax and enjoy the trip. Breathe deep. Be in the moment.
Right?
I did make it in to the RE for my day 2 (more like hour 16, but when it starts at 4 in the afternoon, web are you supposed to start counting?) baseline ultrasound. And then they took blood too. Which they didn't do on day 3 last time. And now I am paranoid.
But, there is nothing I can do but await the call with instructions, right? It's time to relax and enjoy the trip. Breathe deep. Be in the moment.
Right?
1.25.2011
Game over.
It's here. Just late enough in the day to not be able to get a call back from the nurse today to see if they can fit me in for a day 2 baseline before I have to dash off to the airport at 10am tomorrow. Doesn't it just figure as much.
1.24.2011
When Panic Sets In
Day 26.
I leave for my trip in 2 days. My boobs still hurt. Good sign. May have seen spots last night and this morning. Bad sign. My lower back aches...it's been aching lightly for days. Who knows what that means.
I left a message this morning with the nurses to ask about the scheduling ramifications of my trip, and to ask for advice on flying with Gonal F pens. Has has anyone had to do this? Any advice? I'm starting to panic. Do I need a doctor's note? I'm ok with keeping them cold. But what if I get pulled aside in security. What do I tell my travel companions?
I hate these few days. Aside from the added travel stress (even though the trip will be fun) I become obsessed. It's hard to focus at work while thinking about the next time I will head to the bathroom. What does that ache mean? Do I feel something wet. It's horrific! I can manage to stay relaxed and calm four about 10 days, and then I loose it.
I guess one good thing is that I've made it far enough that no matter what happens, even if I have to travel with the drugs, the trip should not mess up the schedule for this cycle. So we can get back to business.
I leave for my trip in 2 days. My boobs still hurt. Good sign. May have seen spots last night and this morning. Bad sign. My lower back aches...it's been aching lightly for days. Who knows what that means.
I left a message this morning with the nurses to ask about the scheduling ramifications of my trip, and to ask for advice on flying with Gonal F pens. Has has anyone had to do this? Any advice? I'm starting to panic. Do I need a doctor's note? I'm ok with keeping them cold. But what if I get pulled aside in security. What do I tell my travel companions?
I hate these few days. Aside from the added travel stress (even though the trip will be fun) I become obsessed. It's hard to focus at work while thinking about the next time I will head to the bathroom. What does that ache mean? Do I feel something wet. It's horrific! I can manage to stay relaxed and calm four about 10 days, and then I loose it.
I guess one good thing is that I've made it far enough that no matter what happens, even if I have to travel with the drugs, the trip should not mess up the schedule for this cycle. So we can get back to business.
1.21.2011
Abundance of Egg Whites
Hubby and I were just in the car on the way home from a quick dinner out at one of our favorite little Mexican places. I was talking a a bit about my blog, and asked if he's been reading it. He knows about it. He helped me come up with the name.
I was thinking ahead (as I too often do) to our next cycle to see what we might be able to do differently. One worry I've had this time, is since our only successful day was day 13, 2 days before ovulation, and he's been needing the little blue pill to get that far...well, could the little swimmers have been a bit stale? How to bring this up?
Warning. Graphic content ahead.
Some background... for my last few IUIs, the nurse has taken one look, and said, "wow, you are VERY ovulatory." How does she know...by my abundance, and I do mean abundance of ewcm. She's even had to clean it out of the way before inserting the catheter.
Glad we can laugh about it.
I was thinking ahead (as I too often do) to our next cycle to see what we might be able to do differently. One worry I've had this time, is since our only successful day was day 13, 2 days before ovulation, and he's been needing the little blue pill to get that far...well, could the little swimmers have been a bit stale? How to bring this up?
Warning. Graphic content ahead.
Me: "So, one thing I've been thinking about for our next cycle is, uh...making sure that you have...a fresh supply. Um, so whether or not we get it on a few days before, or you take matters into your own hands, I think we should pay attention to that"I wanted to get it out there in case he needs to take a pill even by himself. I don't know how these things work!
Hubby: "Oh, I've been taking care of that. No need to worry. That's why I always ask you what day it is around day 8 or 9."
Me: "Oh, ok, that's great. I'm glad you are paying attention... So, do you need to take your pill for that?"
Hubby: "No. I'm good. See, on my own, I don't use any lotion or anything. So I get a lot of friction..."
Some background... for my last few IUIs, the nurse has taken one look, and said, "wow, you are VERY ovulatory." How does she know...by my abundance, and I do mean abundance of ewcm. She's even had to clean it out of the way before inserting the catheter.
Hubby: "and with you honey... it's like fucking jello."
Glad we can laugh about it.
Just Another Waiting Day
cd23, 9dpo, not that I'm counting.
I'm trying not to think about it too much. I'm trying not to notice every twinge in my belly, and scrutinize every piece of toilet paper. I'm really trying. I'm hoping to make it home from my trip still feeling hopeful, so I can pee on a stick.
I could take a test before I go, I suppose, if I am still in the game. But having a chemical pregnancy keeps me wary of testing too early. I'd rather get to at least 30 days or so, because I'd rather not know. Though, sometimes I wonder if I have had other incidents that have gone undocumented, and could that be valuable medical data?
I've got some real posts floating around in my head, but have gotten distracted the last two nights with the premiere of Idol. Any other fans out there? My first thought was...Simon who? I have to admit, I'm a little bit fascinated with Steven Tyler. And how can I not love J-Lo, we share a name!
Anyway, this is mostly just a random post to try to kick me out of a slightly blah state. But today is Friday! I've got fun plans with friends (and their kids...) this weekend. And, we're making an !KEA run on the way tomorrow. Nothing gets me excited like !KEA. I consider it my D!sney World.
Happy Friday Everyone!
I'm trying not to think about it too much. I'm trying not to notice every twinge in my belly, and scrutinize every piece of toilet paper. I'm really trying. I'm hoping to make it home from my trip still feeling hopeful, so I can pee on a stick.
I could take a test before I go, I suppose, if I am still in the game. But having a chemical pregnancy keeps me wary of testing too early. I'd rather get to at least 30 days or so, because I'd rather not know. Though, sometimes I wonder if I have had other incidents that have gone undocumented, and could that be valuable medical data?
I've got some real posts floating around in my head, but have gotten distracted the last two nights with the premiere of Idol. Any other fans out there? My first thought was...Simon who? I have to admit, I'm a little bit fascinated with Steven Tyler. And how can I not love J-Lo, we share a name!
Anyway, this is mostly just a random post to try to kick me out of a slightly blah state. But today is Friday! I've got fun plans with friends (and their kids...) this weekend. And, we're making an !KEA run on the way tomorrow. Nothing gets me excited like !KEA. I consider it my D!sney World.
Happy Friday Everyone!
1.18.2011
Calendar Games
I'm going on a business trip next week. Wednesday through Friday. I'm really looking forward to it. It's really a fun getaway with a rep, a little learning, a little spa time, no real work. I'm going to feel a bit old though. I'm traveling with 3 singles girls I work with, ages 24, 24 and 26. The rep who is treating us is at least married, but I think she's still a bit younger than me. Oh well, it should be entertaining.
Did I mention that the trip is next Wednesday through Friday. That's cycle day 28 - 30 in case you were wondering. My average cycle is 27 days. When I've taken Clomid, sometimes is 29. Last month it was 22. That would mean my period would start on Friday. I suppose that would be ok, maybe. I'd manage to get in my Day 3 baseline ultrasound. I could take 3 days of Gonal F, and have another ultrasound before getting on the plane with my meds. OK, no that wouldn't be ok. I think I'd still be gone when it was time to check in again before triggering.
I would be much better if it could wait until at least Monday. That would be a 25 day cycle. I could get my baseline on Wednesday before getting on the plane with my fertility drugs. I'd be back in time for another ultrasound and blood work next Sunday morning. But I really don't want to get on a plane with my fertility drugs.
If I have my typical 27 day cycle, I get on the plane bleeding, and am not back in town (at least when the office is open) until Day 4. Can that work for a baseline ultrasound? My therapist says I shouldn't worry about it, and I should just call and ask. I'm waiting until I get a little closer to see if I can read my body and get a sense of things. But I won't have to get on the plane with my fertility drugs.
The ideal situation is to have a magical, and uncommon 28 day cycle (or longer), which means I start bleeding on the trip. (Did I mention they are booking massages for us on Friday, that will be nice for the back ache, but a little weird...) And I'm back in time for my Day 3 baseline on Saturday morning. I could have a drink with dinner on Thursday night, and not have to explain my lack of imbibing to the young ladies. And I won't have to get on the plane with fertility drugs.
Of course, I could be pregnant, in which case, these calendar games are moot. But I'm not counting my chickens, right? Just days.
Did I mention that the trip is next Wednesday through Friday. That's cycle day 28 - 30 in case you were wondering. My average cycle is 27 days. When I've taken Clomid, sometimes is 29. Last month it was 22. That would mean my period would start on Friday. I suppose that would be ok, maybe. I'd manage to get in my Day 3 baseline ultrasound. I could take 3 days of Gonal F, and have another ultrasound before getting on the plane with my meds. OK, no that wouldn't be ok. I think I'd still be gone when it was time to check in again before triggering.
I would be much better if it could wait until at least Monday. That would be a 25 day cycle. I could get my baseline on Wednesday before getting on the plane with my fertility drugs. I'd be back in time for another ultrasound and blood work next Sunday morning. But I really don't want to get on a plane with my fertility drugs.
If I have my typical 27 day cycle, I get on the plane bleeding, and am not back in town (at least when the office is open) until Day 4. Can that work for a baseline ultrasound? My therapist says I shouldn't worry about it, and I should just call and ask. I'm waiting until I get a little closer to see if I can read my body and get a sense of things. But I won't have to get on the plane with my fertility drugs.
The ideal situation is to have a magical, and uncommon 28 day cycle (or longer), which means I start bleeding on the trip. (Did I mention they are booking massages for us on Friday, that will be nice for the back ache, but a little weird...) And I'm back in time for my Day 3 baseline on Saturday morning. I could have a drink with dinner on Thursday night, and not have to explain my lack of imbibing to the young ladies. And I won't have to get on the plane with fertility drugs.
Of course, I could be pregnant, in which case, these calendar games are moot. But I'm not counting my chickens, right? Just days.
1.16.2011
Don't Count Your Chickens
The Pats just lost. I don't have to watch any more football this year.
I'm not happy they lost. I get caught up in the excitement like any good New Englander. Tom Brady is dreamy (although I could do without the Giselle induced hair), and Wes Welker is so cute and little. But, if really given the choice, I could live without football. And my waistline really doesn't need to be attending a Super B*wl party.
Last night, Hubby had a bunch of friends over and they were speculating about who the Pats would end up playing in the Super B*wl. I thought to myself, isn't that nice that he's just assuming we'll get there. Don't we have two playoff games to get through first?
I was reminded of times back in elementary school, when the threat of a good snow storm always brought on dreams of a snow day. My brother and I would plan all the fun we would have after we'd surely wake up the next morning to find out that school was canceled for the day. Too many times, we were so sure we wouldn't have to school, and we'd end up with just a two hour delay. What good is that? We took to saying "Don't count your chickens..." the night before those snowstorms as a superstitious good luck charm.
I should have said it last night.
Too late for the Pats this season, but not too late for this cycle, I guess.
I'm not happy they lost. I get caught up in the excitement like any good New Englander. Tom Brady is dreamy (although I could do without the Giselle induced hair), and Wes Welker is so cute and little. But, if really given the choice, I could live without football. And my waistline really doesn't need to be attending a Super B*wl party.
Last night, Hubby had a bunch of friends over and they were speculating about who the Pats would end up playing in the Super B*wl. I thought to myself, isn't that nice that he's just assuming we'll get there. Don't we have two playoff games to get through first?
I was reminded of times back in elementary school, when the threat of a good snow storm always brought on dreams of a snow day. My brother and I would plan all the fun we would have after we'd surely wake up the next morning to find out that school was canceled for the day. Too many times, we were so sure we wouldn't have to school, and we'd end up with just a two hour delay. What good is that? We took to saying "Don't count your chickens..." the night before those snowstorms as a superstitious good luck charm.
I should have said it last night.
Too late for the Pats this season, but not too late for this cycle, I guess.
1.15.2011
Feeling Weird
This cycle feels weird. Maybe that's a good thing. I tend to put my hopes on anything that seems different than the last time. We're au naturale this month, thanks to our new insurance provider as of the first of the year. I've mentioned that we weren't able to get approval in time to start another Gonal F/IUI cycle. As seems to happen more often than not, just when I think I've got the calendar all figured out, I have a 22 day cycle which throws everything off. The good news is, we're all set to go for the next cycle. And it would figure that I have a business trip planed which could interfere with getting my Day 3 baseline ultrasound. Not to mention I'm not entirely thrilled about the idea of potentially traveling on a plane with 3 beautiful, thin, young coworkers, with injectable fertility drugs in my bag.
In any case, Hubby switched from Pr*zac to another medication last month. He's feeling a lot better emotionally, which is great. Because I'm still a bit of a roller coaster, and we have a rule in our house that only one person can be having a meltdown at a time. We still weren't sure how things were going to go in the bedroom. So, he filled his prescription for the little blue pill, and we studied the calendar. I thought it was tricky to plan my life around when I thought I might ovulate. But add in the fact that those pills must be taken a half-hour ahead, last for a day and a half, can only be taken every three days, and you only get four a month...well, that's an entirely new level of planning. We selected a pattern of three nights, every three days which fit our social obligations, and split the difference of when I usually ovulate and when I had been triggered last month. Day 10, 13 & 16.
Day 10 was a no go. Day 13 was a struggle, but we were ultimately successful. My opk showed a surge on Day 14. This is really exciting, because in the past, without any drugs, and even with Clomid, unmonitored, the surge typically comes on Day 17. And, if ovulation is the day after the surge, then our plan for Day 16 was still ok, it would be the day after ovulation. Not too bad. Two days before, and the day after. I'll take it. Well, after last night, I guess I have to be happy with two days before. It was another no go, and Hubby is offcially banned from having a beer on baby making nights. But it's better than November, which was a complete bust.
Even though I got a surge on Day 14, I decided to keep testing until the result was no longer positive. It was positive for three days in a row. This feels somewhat puzzling. But, I still think our timing was ok based upon the constraints we're fighting. As for feeling weird, I have IBS, and I often have a dull pain in my lower left side. Especially at times when I need to up the fiber. I have that pain now, or I think I do. It's easy to confuse with the bloating of ripening ovaries. I also really felt my right ovary this month. I felt the more acute sensation I've come to associate with a mature follicle. That has passed, but I still feel a fullness, or heaviness in the area of the ovary, which I have not noticed before. I also have lower back pain which is floating around. Anyway, it's weird. And as infertiles are subject to do, I am over analyzing every little twinge.
Even though I am feeling weird, I'm trying to just go with the flow, stay calm and a bit detached. I don't have high investment in our success this month, so hopefully I will get through the two week wait without too much angst. And hopefully the calendar will cooperate and we'll get back to the drugs next cycle. The one thing I do have in the back of my head though, is that this is the month last year where we actually achieved conception. Maybe it's our lucky month. Who knows...
In any case, Hubby switched from Pr*zac to another medication last month. He's feeling a lot better emotionally, which is great. Because I'm still a bit of a roller coaster, and we have a rule in our house that only one person can be having a meltdown at a time. We still weren't sure how things were going to go in the bedroom. So, he filled his prescription for the little blue pill, and we studied the calendar. I thought it was tricky to plan my life around when I thought I might ovulate. But add in the fact that those pills must be taken a half-hour ahead, last for a day and a half, can only be taken every three days, and you only get four a month...well, that's an entirely new level of planning. We selected a pattern of three nights, every three days which fit our social obligations, and split the difference of when I usually ovulate and when I had been triggered last month. Day 10, 13 & 16.
Day 10 was a no go. Day 13 was a struggle, but we were ultimately successful. My opk showed a surge on Day 14. This is really exciting, because in the past, without any drugs, and even with Clomid, unmonitored, the surge typically comes on Day 17. And, if ovulation is the day after the surge, then our plan for Day 16 was still ok, it would be the day after ovulation. Not too bad. Two days before, and the day after. I'll take it. Well, after last night, I guess I have to be happy with two days before. It was another no go, and Hubby is offcially banned from having a beer on baby making nights. But it's better than November, which was a complete bust.
Even though I got a surge on Day 14, I decided to keep testing until the result was no longer positive. It was positive for three days in a row. This feels somewhat puzzling. But, I still think our timing was ok based upon the constraints we're fighting. As for feeling weird, I have IBS, and I often have a dull pain in my lower left side. Especially at times when I need to up the fiber. I have that pain now, or I think I do. It's easy to confuse with the bloating of ripening ovaries. I also really felt my right ovary this month. I felt the more acute sensation I've come to associate with a mature follicle. That has passed, but I still feel a fullness, or heaviness in the area of the ovary, which I have not noticed before. I also have lower back pain which is floating around. Anyway, it's weird. And as infertiles are subject to do, I am over analyzing every little twinge.
Even though I am feeling weird, I'm trying to just go with the flow, stay calm and a bit detached. I don't have high investment in our success this month, so hopefully I will get through the two week wait without too much angst. And hopefully the calendar will cooperate and we'll get back to the drugs next cycle. The one thing I do have in the back of my head though, is that this is the month last year where we actually achieved conception. Maybe it's our lucky month. Who knows...
1.12.2011
Why Violetta Margarita?
What's in a name? Would a rose by any other name smell like a violet?
Hubby and I sometimes talk about baby names. I've always thought names were fun. I've had lists of favorites since I was far to young to ever consider being a mother. One of my favorite names of late has been Sophia. Or Sophie. But it is such a popular name. And I am a person who has an extremely popular name. Like, the most popular one for women who are turning 36 in 2011...Jennifer. I love my name, but I also know what it's like to go through life as Jenny P. Or to have my last name literally become part of my first name, to the point that in a crowd, if I hear someone simply call "Jen," I don't answer. (As a side note having such a popular name has been interesting in the waiting room of the RE's office. There have been two incidents already when I was nearly mistaken for another Jen supposedly in the waiting room....eeek! Not the place for mistaken identities!)
Another name on our list, more likely as a middle name, is Rose. It's actually a last name from Hubby's side of the family. Wouldn't you know, that two years ago, one of my best friends gave birth to a Sofia Rose?
And then there's Hubby's grandmother's name. I hadn't realized she'd gone by a nickname until I called him this summer with the news that my niece had been born, and named C. "That was my grandmother's name!" Well, I'm sorry sweetie, we told them they couldn't have Rose. We never mentioned C.
Anyway, on our recent drive to visit my mother for Thanksgiving, we were brainstorming names to kill some time on the drive. Right now, it keeps me feeling optimistic. I keep looking for names that start with V, because both of our mom's names start with V. I came across Violet. I have to admit, I kind of love it. Hubby thinks that I could not possibly name my child something that references the color purple. Have I mentioned that I am known far and wide for my obsession with this color? I think it would be too cool to have a purple baby!
What about Violetta, would that be any better? We're both part Italian, and we have an Italian last name. We settled on the fact that we could use it as a code name when we're pregnant and people are asking about names.
And the Margarita, you ask? Well, let's just say, we've been know to enjoy a nice tequila around here on occasion.
Hubby and I sometimes talk about baby names. I've always thought names were fun. I've had lists of favorites since I was far to young to ever consider being a mother. One of my favorite names of late has been Sophia. Or Sophie. But it is such a popular name. And I am a person who has an extremely popular name. Like, the most popular one for women who are turning 36 in 2011...Jennifer. I love my name, but I also know what it's like to go through life as Jenny P. Or to have my last name literally become part of my first name, to the point that in a crowd, if I hear someone simply call "Jen," I don't answer. (As a side note having such a popular name has been interesting in the waiting room of the RE's office. There have been two incidents already when I was nearly mistaken for another Jen supposedly in the waiting room....eeek! Not the place for mistaken identities!)
Another name on our list, more likely as a middle name, is Rose. It's actually a last name from Hubby's side of the family. Wouldn't you know, that two years ago, one of my best friends gave birth to a Sofia Rose?
And then there's Hubby's grandmother's name. I hadn't realized she'd gone by a nickname until I called him this summer with the news that my niece had been born, and named C. "That was my grandmother's name!" Well, I'm sorry sweetie, we told them they couldn't have Rose. We never mentioned C.
Anyway, on our recent drive to visit my mother for Thanksgiving, we were brainstorming names to kill some time on the drive. Right now, it keeps me feeling optimistic. I keep looking for names that start with V, because both of our mom's names start with V. I came across Violet. I have to admit, I kind of love it. Hubby thinks that I could not possibly name my child something that references the color purple. Have I mentioned that I am known far and wide for my obsession with this color? I think it would be too cool to have a purple baby!
What about Violetta, would that be any better? We're both part Italian, and we have an Italian last name. We settled on the fact that we could use it as a code name when we're pregnant and people are asking about names.
And the Margarita, you ask? Well, let's just say, we've been know to enjoy a nice tequila around here on occasion.
1.11.2011
The Chronicle Continues
Whew, it is taking longer than I thought to get through my story. But I feel like getting through the whole thing is part of the theraputic process for me, so bear with me. Continuing again on my back story, early August arrived, and I had my appointment with Dr. A, my new reproductive endocrinologist. It immediately felt like a better situation then the OB/GYN. I was getting attention, having a conversation. And after 40 minutes, she declared me the "proud owner of unexplained infertility."
Hmmm.
Unexplained infertility. I guess it's good that there's nothing wrong with either me or Hubby. But, if there's nothing wrong, then there is nothing to fix. So now what?
The plan was to go ahead with two more Clomid cycles. I would monitor on my own with OPKs. Dr. A doesn't like to trigger for fear of triggering an egg that's just not quite ready yet. She did decide to increase the does of Clomid from 50 to 100.
OK. We had a plan. And life was utter chaos. We closed on our house a week later. I was studying for a professional exam at the beginning of September, and suffering from insomnia. Gee, I wonder why. we moved into the new house at the end of August. I spent the last weekend of August in a weekend long study seminar, bloated to heck with swollen ovaries, and losing my mind from sleep depravation. It was a very rough time.
Labor day weekend had us heading into to our new clinic for our second IUI. At least Hubby liked the office better. Instead of having a purple waiting room with fluffy, frilly pillows and lots of photos of babies (it was an OB/GYN after all), this was a generic medical waiting room. And, I'm told, it actually has reading material in the specimen room.
Two weeks later, it was another no go. I was not surprised, considering the state I had been in. And, in typical fashion, the calendar was being oh so cooperative once again. The target for my next ovulation was exam day. Perfect. So, we decided to go natural again. It was frustrating because it felt like we weren't making progress if we couldn't take advantage of everything that medicine has to offer. But, I tried to look at it as a time to relax and give my body a break.
IUI #3 occurred the last weekend in October. I was advised to schedule my next consultation with Dr. A, just in case, so that I would not have to wait as long. Which was a good thing, because we had another negative.
Mid-november brought the appointment, which resulted in a plan to try 1-3 more IUIs, this time with Gonal F injections. And then, we'd sit and have the IVF conversation. Of course, the timing was off, so late November was another natural cycle. It seems that I'm destined to alternate. Which, I guess I should find less frustrating than some, since with the "unexplained" diagnosis, there is no reason to believe that it wouldn't be possible on our own.
Until Hubby started to battle anxiety and depression again and was given a prescription for Prosac.
Oh, and the fertile period coincided with Thanksgiving, and a trip to visit my mom.
Let's just say, we did not actually get lucky at getting lucky in November.
My next cycle rolled around, and we managed all the injections coordinated around our holiday obligations. Hubby was a saint, and did them all for me. It saved me. I don't have a problem getting shots, but I don't like to look at the needles. So, it was a good way to ease into this process. He also saw his doctor again, and switched to a different medication, as well as getting a prescription for one of those little blue pills. On his 42 birthday in the middle of December, after a great dinner out a the scene of our first date, almost 5 years ago, and a walk around the park to see the holiday lights, we returned home, to trigger by 11pm...on cycle day 11.
Huh? Cycle day 11? I had typically been ovulating on day 18. Now, this felt like progress!
Back to the clinic on the Saturday before Christmas. Please Santa, make my Christmas wishes come true. I was freaking out in the waiting room, hoping all would go ok for Hubby with his reading material. I tried not to look at the clock, telling myself that it was only in my imagination that it was taking longer than it had in the past. At last, he appeared. Success! Whew!
A week later, the day after Christmas, we made the trip back to upstate New York to visit my mom, and brother, sister-in-law and niece C, who were in from London. Have I mentioned yet that they moved to London two months after C was born, and I'd only gotten to see her once, when she was only one month old? (I cried the entire day I found out they were moving across the pond instead of only three hours away). Now she was six months old, and a perfectly wonderful, interactive and captive baby! And oh my goodness, is she precious.
We had four great days with family, relaxing and playing with C. It was hard, but a lot of fun too. I was really hopeful about this cycle, and spending time with my family helped get me through most of the two week wait.
I returned home on Wednesday. I had a hard time sleeping that night. My back was starting to hurt, and I was beginning to feel crampish. I got up early, and saw a little spotting. Maybe this was implantation bleeding? It was 13 days after the IUI. Was that too long? And then I checked Faceb**k, as I often do in the morning. There was a message from my cousin J. "I'm going to be an uncle thanks to my sister S..." She's 6 years younger than me. Sometime I'll tell you about the other side of my family, and the 15 great-grandchildren that my grandmother has, none of whom are mine. In any case, that's when I lost it. I knew I was fooling myself. I knew the sore boobs, cramps, back ache and spotting could only mean one thing. And I sobbed. And sobbed, and sobbed.
Later that day, I left a message on the nurses line to schedule my next baseline ultrasound, so I could get my Gonal F dose. Friday morning, New Year's Eve day, I got a call... "How soon can you get here? We're not open tomorrow." Have I mentioned how well the calendar and I get along? I was there in a half hour. Only to find out that since my insurance carrier was changing as of 1/1, I would not be able to start this cycle. It could take 10 days to get approval. Hadn't I mentioned at the beginning of December that my insurance was changing? Why had I not been told this before? Was she serious? Seriously? Apparently it's not typical to be approved for two cycles in a row anyway. The break would be relaxing, and good for my body. Haven't I heard this all before? Arrrrgghhhh!!!!
Can you believe that by Monday, 1/3, (cycle day 5) I had my approval and it was too late to start?! The very next day, I attended my first ever local support group. The day after that, I started to get to know the infertility blogosphere. And a week later, I am finally up to date.
Whew. OK, now it's time to go get it on. It's day 13. I've been peeing on a stick all week. No surge yet, but we're trying to get one in early. Hubby took his little blue pill after work. Hopefully it works this time. And when I say works, I don't even mean the baby making part. I just mean the sex. That would at least be a small victory at this point.
Hmmm.
Unexplained infertility. I guess it's good that there's nothing wrong with either me or Hubby. But, if there's nothing wrong, then there is nothing to fix. So now what?
The plan was to go ahead with two more Clomid cycles. I would monitor on my own with OPKs. Dr. A doesn't like to trigger for fear of triggering an egg that's just not quite ready yet. She did decide to increase the does of Clomid from 50 to 100.
OK. We had a plan. And life was utter chaos. We closed on our house a week later. I was studying for a professional exam at the beginning of September, and suffering from insomnia. Gee, I wonder why. we moved into the new house at the end of August. I spent the last weekend of August in a weekend long study seminar, bloated to heck with swollen ovaries, and losing my mind from sleep depravation. It was a very rough time.
Labor day weekend had us heading into to our new clinic for our second IUI. At least Hubby liked the office better. Instead of having a purple waiting room with fluffy, frilly pillows and lots of photos of babies (it was an OB/GYN after all), this was a generic medical waiting room. And, I'm told, it actually has reading material in the specimen room.
Two weeks later, it was another no go. I was not surprised, considering the state I had been in. And, in typical fashion, the calendar was being oh so cooperative once again. The target for my next ovulation was exam day. Perfect. So, we decided to go natural again. It was frustrating because it felt like we weren't making progress if we couldn't take advantage of everything that medicine has to offer. But, I tried to look at it as a time to relax and give my body a break.
IUI #3 occurred the last weekend in October. I was advised to schedule my next consultation with Dr. A, just in case, so that I would not have to wait as long. Which was a good thing, because we had another negative.
Mid-november brought the appointment, which resulted in a plan to try 1-3 more IUIs, this time with Gonal F injections. And then, we'd sit and have the IVF conversation. Of course, the timing was off, so late November was another natural cycle. It seems that I'm destined to alternate. Which, I guess I should find less frustrating than some, since with the "unexplained" diagnosis, there is no reason to believe that it wouldn't be possible on our own.
Until Hubby started to battle anxiety and depression again and was given a prescription for Prosac.
Oh, and the fertile period coincided with Thanksgiving, and a trip to visit my mom.
Let's just say, we did not actually get lucky at getting lucky in November.
My next cycle rolled around, and we managed all the injections coordinated around our holiday obligations. Hubby was a saint, and did them all for me. It saved me. I don't have a problem getting shots, but I don't like to look at the needles. So, it was a good way to ease into this process. He also saw his doctor again, and switched to a different medication, as well as getting a prescription for one of those little blue pills. On his 42 birthday in the middle of December, after a great dinner out a the scene of our first date, almost 5 years ago, and a walk around the park to see the holiday lights, we returned home, to trigger by 11pm...on cycle day 11.
Huh? Cycle day 11? I had typically been ovulating on day 18. Now, this felt like progress!
Back to the clinic on the Saturday before Christmas. Please Santa, make my Christmas wishes come true. I was freaking out in the waiting room, hoping all would go ok for Hubby with his reading material. I tried not to look at the clock, telling myself that it was only in my imagination that it was taking longer than it had in the past. At last, he appeared. Success! Whew!
A week later, the day after Christmas, we made the trip back to upstate New York to visit my mom, and brother, sister-in-law and niece C, who were in from London. Have I mentioned yet that they moved to London two months after C was born, and I'd only gotten to see her once, when she was only one month old? (I cried the entire day I found out they were moving across the pond instead of only three hours away). Now she was six months old, and a perfectly wonderful, interactive and captive baby! And oh my goodness, is she precious.
We had four great days with family, relaxing and playing with C. It was hard, but a lot of fun too. I was really hopeful about this cycle, and spending time with my family helped get me through most of the two week wait.
I returned home on Wednesday. I had a hard time sleeping that night. My back was starting to hurt, and I was beginning to feel crampish. I got up early, and saw a little spotting. Maybe this was implantation bleeding? It was 13 days after the IUI. Was that too long? And then I checked Faceb**k, as I often do in the morning. There was a message from my cousin J. "I'm going to be an uncle thanks to my sister S..." She's 6 years younger than me. Sometime I'll tell you about the other side of my family, and the 15 great-grandchildren that my grandmother has, none of whom are mine. In any case, that's when I lost it. I knew I was fooling myself. I knew the sore boobs, cramps, back ache and spotting could only mean one thing. And I sobbed. And sobbed, and sobbed.
Later that day, I left a message on the nurses line to schedule my next baseline ultrasound, so I could get my Gonal F dose. Friday morning, New Year's Eve day, I got a call... "How soon can you get here? We're not open tomorrow." Have I mentioned how well the calendar and I get along? I was there in a half hour. Only to find out that since my insurance carrier was changing as of 1/1, I would not be able to start this cycle. It could take 10 days to get approval. Hadn't I mentioned at the beginning of December that my insurance was changing? Why had I not been told this before? Was she serious? Seriously? Apparently it's not typical to be approved for two cycles in a row anyway. The break would be relaxing, and good for my body. Haven't I heard this all before? Arrrrgghhhh!!!!
Can you believe that by Monday, 1/3, (cycle day 5) I had my approval and it was too late to start?! The very next day, I attended my first ever local support group. The day after that, I started to get to know the infertility blogosphere. And a week later, I am finally up to date.
Whew. OK, now it's time to go get it on. It's day 13. I've been peeing on a stick all week. No surge yet, but we're trying to get one in early. Hubby took his little blue pill after work. Hopefully it works this time. And when I say works, I don't even mean the baby making part. I just mean the sex. That would at least be a small victory at this point.
1.10.2011
The Chronicle Begins
Continuing where I left off on my first post, the beginning of March rolled around, and I finally had my appointment with the OB/GYN. I was eager to get the ball rolling on those answers I mentioned. But the appointment got off to a strange start. After originally scheduling it to discuss fertility issues, I received an abnormal result on a pap smear. So, I called the office to say I already had this consultation scheduled, and ask if it was possible to take care of both issues at the same time.
When I showed up at the office that Tuesday morning...4 weeks and a day after the chemical pregnancy, and expecting my next period at any moment, the exam room was set up for the colposcopy. Dr. S walked in, checked out what she needed to check out, and was ready to head on about her business. I burst into tears and said I was there also to discuss my fertility, or lack there of. The whole process got off to a bit of a strange start. I told her my history. She was not nearly as impressed as I had hoped with my BBT charts, suggesting ovulation predictor kits instead. She also did not seem overly concerned about the timing of my ovulation and said that I could get started with clomid right away. It would involve visits on day 3 and day 10, and just call when my period started.
Well, wouldn't you know, Hubby and I were heading out of town to Florida, for what was supposed to have been a romantic getaway perfectly timed for baby making, in two days. The chemical pregnancy the previous month had thrown off our calender, and now our vacation was going to be tampon filled. Good times. It also meant that we would be on our own for one more month before getting any kind of medical assistance.
Florida was fun, if a bit of a bust, as it was unseasonably cold there last year. But, we enjoyed the ocean air, sunshine, and walks on the beach, and returned home feeling refreshed and ready for spring.
As a side note, at the same time as I was trying to get my infertility journey off the ground, I was helping my mother to plan a baby shower for the afore mentioned perfect brother and sister-in-law. They were having a girl who we were all affectionately referring to as Bambina. And, being the family party planner, I was in charge of invitations. I managed to enjoy the creative process, but it was hard to control my jealousy. I really, really want to have a girl. (as you may have guessed by the title of this blog...of course, I want one of each, ultimately, but at this point, who knows what will happen, and any child would be an incredible addition to my life). But I am a girl, a girly girl to the point that I have given myself the name Principessa for the purposes of this blog. At least, no matter what, I will always have a niece to spoil with girly things.
Getting back to the answers. by the end of March, I was heading in for my day 3 blood work, ready to finally get the ball rolling. That afternoon, I got one of my answers. My TSH was in the mid-5s, which was higher than the infertility coordinator wanted it. Dr. S was unreachable, and another doc in the office said it would still be ok to start Clomid on day 5. It's hard to remember all of the details now, but ultimately, I was told that I had sub-clinical hypothyroidism, and I should see my primary care doctor to sort it out before pursuing any further treatment.
Sub-clinical hypothyroidism.
It was an answer. An answer that possibly explained a lot of other health issues I have dealt with other the years, from IBS to anxiety and depression. Even though it was an answer, it was incredibly frustrating. I am able to access the last decade of my medical records online. My thyroid has always been the first thing tested for various medical complaints. My TSH has always been found to be normal. I know now that "normal" is debatable, and that the my range was consistently above the newer more controversial range of what is acceptable. I tried not to dwell on what my life could have been had this been discovered many years earlier. I started on Levoxyl and prepared for the Bambina Shower.
By June, my levels were in the 3s, and Dr. S's office was content to go ahead with a monitored Clomid cycle. On a Saturday, in mid-June, I had my first IUI. Exactly 14 days later, I got my period. That afternoon, Hubby and I decided to make an offer on a house. It was a horrible, painful, exciting and anxiety ridden day.
We ended up getting the house, which was amazing! We were renting a house a the time, and I really, really, really wanted to have a house before we have a baby. I want to nest, and make it beautiful and welcoming for Violetta. I want to have time to get settled, and make it my own. Four months after moving in, I'm still working on getting settled. I'll write about that eventually. But I know I have at least 9 months to get it ready for our baby.
After the first IUI didn't work, the coordinator asked if I wanted to start up again right away with Clomid and another monitored cycle. We had a weekend away planned, which looked to conflict with a potential IUI date. And because my TSH was still above 3 (I was reading online that under 2 is better, although this is a newer and more controversial opinion), I decided I should see a Reproductive Endocrinologist to make sure that aspect was getting enough attention. We were on our own again for July while I waited for a consultation with Dr. A in early August. I'll pick up there next time.
When I showed up at the office that Tuesday morning...4 weeks and a day after the chemical pregnancy, and expecting my next period at any moment, the exam room was set up for the colposcopy. Dr. S walked in, checked out what she needed to check out, and was ready to head on about her business. I burst into tears and said I was there also to discuss my fertility, or lack there of. The whole process got off to a bit of a strange start. I told her my history. She was not nearly as impressed as I had hoped with my BBT charts, suggesting ovulation predictor kits instead. She also did not seem overly concerned about the timing of my ovulation and said that I could get started with clomid right away. It would involve visits on day 3 and day 10, and just call when my period started.
Well, wouldn't you know, Hubby and I were heading out of town to Florida, for what was supposed to have been a romantic getaway perfectly timed for baby making, in two days. The chemical pregnancy the previous month had thrown off our calender, and now our vacation was going to be tampon filled. Good times. It also meant that we would be on our own for one more month before getting any kind of medical assistance.
Florida was fun, if a bit of a bust, as it was unseasonably cold there last year. But, we enjoyed the ocean air, sunshine, and walks on the beach, and returned home feeling refreshed and ready for spring.
As a side note, at the same time as I was trying to get my infertility journey off the ground, I was helping my mother to plan a baby shower for the afore mentioned perfect brother and sister-in-law. They were having a girl who we were all affectionately referring to as Bambina. And, being the family party planner, I was in charge of invitations. I managed to enjoy the creative process, but it was hard to control my jealousy. I really, really want to have a girl. (as you may have guessed by the title of this blog...of course, I want one of each, ultimately, but at this point, who knows what will happen, and any child would be an incredible addition to my life). But I am a girl, a girly girl to the point that I have given myself the name Principessa for the purposes of this blog. At least, no matter what, I will always have a niece to spoil with girly things.
Getting back to the answers. by the end of March, I was heading in for my day 3 blood work, ready to finally get the ball rolling. That afternoon, I got one of my answers. My TSH was in the mid-5s, which was higher than the infertility coordinator wanted it. Dr. S was unreachable, and another doc in the office said it would still be ok to start Clomid on day 5. It's hard to remember all of the details now, but ultimately, I was told that I had sub-clinical hypothyroidism, and I should see my primary care doctor to sort it out before pursuing any further treatment.
Sub-clinical hypothyroidism.
It was an answer. An answer that possibly explained a lot of other health issues I have dealt with other the years, from IBS to anxiety and depression. Even though it was an answer, it was incredibly frustrating. I am able to access the last decade of my medical records online. My thyroid has always been the first thing tested for various medical complaints. My TSH has always been found to be normal. I know now that "normal" is debatable, and that the my range was consistently above the newer more controversial range of what is acceptable. I tried not to dwell on what my life could have been had this been discovered many years earlier. I started on Levoxyl and prepared for the Bambina Shower.
By June, my levels were in the 3s, and Dr. S's office was content to go ahead with a monitored Clomid cycle. On a Saturday, in mid-June, I had my first IUI. Exactly 14 days later, I got my period. That afternoon, Hubby and I decided to make an offer on a house. It was a horrible, painful, exciting and anxiety ridden day.
We ended up getting the house, which was amazing! We were renting a house a the time, and I really, really, really wanted to have a house before we have a baby. I want to nest, and make it beautiful and welcoming for Violetta. I want to have time to get settled, and make it my own. Four months after moving in, I'm still working on getting settled. I'll write about that eventually. But I know I have at least 9 months to get it ready for our baby.
After the first IUI didn't work, the coordinator asked if I wanted to start up again right away with Clomid and another monitored cycle. We had a weekend away planned, which looked to conflict with a potential IUI date. And because my TSH was still above 3 (I was reading online that under 2 is better, although this is a newer and more controversial opinion), I decided I should see a Reproductive Endocrinologist to make sure that aspect was getting enough attention. We were on our own again for July while I waited for a consultation with Dr. A in early August. I'll pick up there next time.
1.09.2011
Thirty-five and three-quarters
I'm 35 and three quarters as this past Tuesday, and I'm still not a mom. Wow. I never thought I'd be here. I was supposed to have a 7 and a 4 year old by now. I haven't entirely sorted my thoughts out yet...if and how I want to share them, but I am starting to realize there is some comfort in getting them out somehow. And in reading about others, realizing that I am not alone in this journey. So here goes nothing. I'm starting a blog.
I supposed the best way to start is at the beginning. So here is my story.
I have wanted to be a mom for as long as I can remember. So much, that when I turned 30, and was still single, I told myself that my back-up plan would be to go to the sperm bank for my 35th birthday. I want to be a mom so much that I would seriously have done it on my own. But, just before I turned 31, I met the most amazing man, and we got married in May of 2008. He is 6.5 years older than me, but we still decided to wait a year into our marriage before ttc. We wanted to have some us time before we focused on expanding our family.
One month before my 34th birthday, in March 2009, I stopped taking the pill. In July, I started paying attention to the timing of my cycle, but I didn't want to take my temperature or test for ovulation until a few months had gone by. I was concerned about becoming too obsessed with the process. I've heard so many stories about people who were trying too hard. And it seems like it could take awhile. I was still young, and reasonably healthy, so no need to worry yet, right? In November 2009, over Thanksgiving, my perfect younger brother and his perfect wife (high school sweethearts, married two years before me) announced they were expecting. I was thrilled to hear the news that I was going to be an aunt, and devastated that I wasn't going to be first. We'd had an on going family argument when my mom asked for grandchildren...
Little Bro: "You're older."
Me: "You've been married longer..."
The reality was that he and I had talked a bit about it, and realized we had the same schedule in mind. I thought it would be so fun for us to have babies the same age. Flash forward a year...I just spent a fun, (and heart breaking) Christmas with my six month old niece, and no still no sign of a baby of my own. But I digress. That is another story.
Continuing the story chronologically, I decided with the new year (2010), it was time to take new steps and I started charting my BBT. I saw my primary care doctor for an annual exam early in January, and told her how long I'd been off the pill. Since I was falling somewhere in between to typical guidelines...34 and 9 months of trying, she suggested that I make an appointment with an OB/GYN proactively. I scheduled one for the beginning of March.
The BBT charting became puzzling, when after day 15, I still did not have an increase in temperature. This was puzzling, because my cycles had typically been 26-27 days...sometimes even a bit shorter. And if ovulation is theoretically 14 days BEFORE my period, it should have been day 13 I was puzzled, but it was only my first month. Maybe I hadn't slept well some night and thrown off the results. We kept doing our thing without putting too much weight on it. My temperature finally went up on day 19. Hmmm. A little dangerous google research revealed the concept of a luteal phase defect. Well, I did have that appointment scheduled, so this was valuable info to gather.
But then day 28, day 29, day 30 came, and still no period. Finally, I couldn't stand it any longer, on the evening of day 32, I took a test. There was the tell tale control line, and a very faint second line. Well, what the heck does that mean? Can you be sort of pregnant? I know now, the answer is yes. I was excited, but cautious. Puzzled by the faint line. But, I grabbed my pregnancy book and started reading. There are a bunch of foods I'm supposed to avoid, I should remind myself.
The next morning, Feb 1, 2010, day 32, and coincidentally my pregnant sister-in-law's birthday, I awoke to take my temperature, and found that it had fallen. Immediately I ran to the computer, and discovered that this likely meant I'd had a chemical pregnancy and would likely start to bleed within the next day or so. And indeed, by about 4pm that afternoon, I did. So yes, you can be sort of pregnant. I called my doctor, and over the course of the next few days, had blood work to prove, that yes, in fact I had miscarried. It was strange. I had barely had time to realize I was pregnant, so I didn't really understand the appropriate level of grief. I was swamped with work, and so I forged on, bleeding heavily, with a heat-wrap around my waist for the severe cramps. My appointment with the OB/GYN was a month a way, and I would surely have some answers.
I'll get to the answers in the next post.
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