I'm heading out to an industry party tonight after I visit my niece this afternoon. After that, a group of current and former coworkers are heading out to dinner to celebrate the birthday and last day of my best coworker friend.
This should be a fun evening. The party is a beach party, with sand trucked into a parking lot. The weather is beautiful. I am in a point in my cycle where I can actually enjoy a cocktail or two.
So, while out to lunch with coworkers, all who will be present tonight, we started talking about the others who are coming to dinner. They brought up this girl R, and how she's due in August.
Excuse me, what?!
I didn't even know she was expecting. The last time I saw her was in January, where it seems her excuse of not drinking due to dieting was a little white lie. While, I of course, wasn't drinking that night because I am chronicaly two-week waiting.
Damn it.
I was so looking forward to a carefree, fun night out, and now I have to stare at a 7 month pregnant belly. This was not part of the plan.
6.30.2011
6.29.2011
Mixed Emotions
I'm a little bit all over the place right now. I've definitely had some nice times over the last few days wit friends and family. I've managed to be in those moments, and really enjoy them. Saturday, I got to stick my feet in the ocean (wish it could have been my whole body) which always had a calming effect on me. Sunday, I got to do laps back and forth on the sidewalk with my adorable niece.
But in the in between times, when I'm at work or at home, I'm definitely spinning a little out of control. My project at work is moving a mile a minute. My best work friend has his last day tomorrow. I'm feeling the pressure to clean up the house to prepare for my Little Bro, SIL and Lady Clara to stay...for all of 18 hours or so, which Hubby pointed out to me last night when I was freaking out. Even Little Bro knows me too well. I received an email from him today saying "don't freak out about cleaning up your house for us. I'm your brother. I already know how you live."
The thing that people don't get, even if they know how I live...is that I DON'T WANT TO LIVE THIS WAY. But I am really struggling with how to work a crazy job, exercise, eat in a remotely health way, and keep some semblance of order in my house in what is an extremely chaotic world. I think I have shoved aside my disappointment over our IVF cycle and have latched on to the idea of making my house more complete, organized, orderly...as a distraction, something I can actually control, who knows.
My disappointment managed to fight it's way to the surface, however, last night. It was set off by something I didn't consciously expect, but isn't entirely surprising either.
I saw a new post pop up in my reader. One that I had been waiting days for. One that I thought I wouldn't see until today. You all know what I'm taking about. A beta result, from one of the first blogs I started following, and from one of the bloggers I have always related to the most. (You know who you are I am sure, and please know that I am absolutely thrilled for you. I was hoping,and praying well, I'm not actually religious, but whatever, that this would be the outcome for you. I was stalking my reader for days hoping for good news. One of the things I admire most about your blog is your honesty and admission of all of the ways you are feeling, and the eloquent way in which you write about them. This is why I know that you get it). She was about a week or so behind me in what was the first IVF cycle for both of us. We were supposed to get to chronicle our pregnancies together, damn it! But I wasn't so lucky.
So, when I saw her post, I clicked over as quickly as I could, holding my breath until the words popped up on the screen. And tears came to my eyes. Tears of joy for her. I know how much she wants this, how hard she worked to get here. But those tears of joy quickly turned to tears of sorrow for myself.
I'm not going to punish myself for feeling that sorrow though. That wouldn't be very self-compassionate of me, would it? In fact, I sat down on the couch to watch the finale of The Voice, and just let the tears ebb and flow as they chose. And when Hubby saw my face as we were headed upstairs to bed, he asked what was wrong. I gasped, choked back a sob and blurted out through tears "One of my favorite bloggers got pregnant, and I'm happy for her and sad for me!"
I think it was important for me to have that moment of sorrow. If you read Womb for Improvement, you may have seen Liz's wombmate's thoughts on grief. I'm really good at avoiding. I've had to rally at work, and for my busy end of June/July social marathon. It makes it really easy to avoid. And so I'm glad that the news that thrilled me to death, also gave me a moment to again acknowledge the grief I do in fact feel that our first IVF failed.
I'm really sad and I am really angry that I am in this position, spending what should be the best years of my life to share with a child just trying to make the damn child. I have had to work so hard for so many things in my life...at least once I hit my early 20s. I think, did I have it too easy as a kid? Did I take too much for granted, that now I am faced with having to struggle to get everything I want in life? I had to go online to find Hubby, not meeting him until just before I turned 31. After we sold his house because of our commute, we had to rent for three years until we had saved enough money, and our jobs felt stable enough to warrant investing in a new home. And now, we've been married three years already. It should be time to start thinking about when to try for our second, not about how we're going to save up enough money just to have one should our insurance run out. I spent a large part of my 20s unemployed, and managed to fight back from all of the debt that ensued, but it has left me constantly feeling like I am behind, and I will never catch up. I'm terrified that I'm so behind at having a family, that my eggs will just give up before I can manage to catch up, and then where will I be?
I'm sorry, well, not really. I needed to get that out. These are the things that are much easier to avoid than to acknowledge.
So, even though I'm feeling stressed about work and my house, I've had a headache for days (is there an influx of pollen lately or something), and I feel incredibly bitchy and I don't have any hormones to blame it on—I get to spend the afternoon with Lady C tomorrow, followed by a party and dinner with friends. And my family getaway is almost here. I am very much looking forward to all of those things.
Which had left me with quite the mix of emotions.
A question, before I leave you all and go out for my evening walk...for any multiple IVFers out there, did you typically take a cycle off in between, or go right into the next cycle? We want to move forward as quickly as possible (although that's looking to potentially crash right into my big deadline at the beginning of August) if we can, which means we need to be protecting right now if we'll be starting Lupron on CD21. I've called the nurse twice to ask, and she doesn't give me a straight answer as to whether they advise it or not. (we never actually speak, just an endless game of phone tag). She seems to be stuck on whether or not she can turn around the paperwork for insurance approval fast enough. And all I really want her to tell me is whether or not I should have sex with my husband!
Anyway, just wondering what you're experiences are with consecutive back-to-back (or not) cycles.
But in the in between times, when I'm at work or at home, I'm definitely spinning a little out of control. My project at work is moving a mile a minute. My best work friend has his last day tomorrow. I'm feeling the pressure to clean up the house to prepare for my Little Bro, SIL and Lady Clara to stay...for all of 18 hours or so, which Hubby pointed out to me last night when I was freaking out. Even Little Bro knows me too well. I received an email from him today saying "don't freak out about cleaning up your house for us. I'm your brother. I already know how you live."
The thing that people don't get, even if they know how I live...is that I DON'T WANT TO LIVE THIS WAY. But I am really struggling with how to work a crazy job, exercise, eat in a remotely health way, and keep some semblance of order in my house in what is an extremely chaotic world. I think I have shoved aside my disappointment over our IVF cycle and have latched on to the idea of making my house more complete, organized, orderly...as a distraction, something I can actually control, who knows.
My disappointment managed to fight it's way to the surface, however, last night. It was set off by something I didn't consciously expect, but isn't entirely surprising either.
I saw a new post pop up in my reader. One that I had been waiting days for. One that I thought I wouldn't see until today. You all know what I'm taking about. A beta result, from one of the first blogs I started following, and from one of the bloggers I have always related to the most. (You know who you are I am sure, and please know that I am absolutely thrilled for you. I was hoping,
So, when I saw her post, I clicked over as quickly as I could, holding my breath until the words popped up on the screen. And tears came to my eyes. Tears of joy for her. I know how much she wants this, how hard she worked to get here. But those tears of joy quickly turned to tears of sorrow for myself.
I'm not going to punish myself for feeling that sorrow though. That wouldn't be very self-compassionate of me, would it? In fact, I sat down on the couch to watch the finale of The Voice, and just let the tears ebb and flow as they chose. And when Hubby saw my face as we were headed upstairs to bed, he asked what was wrong. I gasped, choked back a sob and blurted out through tears "One of my favorite bloggers got pregnant, and I'm happy for her and sad for me!"
I think it was important for me to have that moment of sorrow. If you read Womb for Improvement, you may have seen Liz's wombmate's thoughts on grief. I'm really good at avoiding. I've had to rally at work, and for my busy end of June/July social marathon. It makes it really easy to avoid. And so I'm glad that the news that thrilled me to death, also gave me a moment to again acknowledge the grief I do in fact feel that our first IVF failed.
I'm really sad and I am really angry that I am in this position, spending what should be the best years of my life to share with a child just trying to make the damn child. I have had to work so hard for so many things in my life...at least once I hit my early 20s. I think, did I have it too easy as a kid? Did I take too much for granted, that now I am faced with having to struggle to get everything I want in life? I had to go online to find Hubby, not meeting him until just before I turned 31. After we sold his house because of our commute, we had to rent for three years until we had saved enough money, and our jobs felt stable enough to warrant investing in a new home. And now, we've been married three years already. It should be time to start thinking about when to try for our second, not about how we're going to save up enough money just to have one should our insurance run out. I spent a large part of my 20s unemployed, and managed to fight back from all of the debt that ensued, but it has left me constantly feeling like I am behind, and I will never catch up. I'm terrified that I'm so behind at having a family, that my eggs will just give up before I can manage to catch up, and then where will I be?
I'm sorry, well, not really. I needed to get that out. These are the things that are much easier to avoid than to acknowledge.
So, even though I'm feeling stressed about work and my house, I've had a headache for days (is there an influx of pollen lately or something), and I feel incredibly bitchy and I don't have any hormones to blame it on—I get to spend the afternoon with Lady C tomorrow, followed by a party and dinner with friends. And my family getaway is almost here. I am very much looking forward to all of those things.
Which had left me with quite the mix of emotions.
* * *
A question, before I leave you all and go out for my evening walk...for any multiple IVFers out there, did you typically take a cycle off in between, or go right into the next cycle? We want to move forward as quickly as possible (although that's looking to potentially crash right into my big deadline at the beginning of August) if we can, which means we need to be protecting right now if we'll be starting Lupron on CD21. I've called the nurse twice to ask, and she doesn't give me a straight answer as to whether they advise it or not. (we never actually speak, just an endless game of phone tag). She seems to be stuck on whether or not she can turn around the paperwork for insurance approval fast enough. And all I really want her to tell me is whether or not I should have sex with my husband!
Anyway, just wondering what you're experiences are with consecutive back-to-back (or not) cycles.
6.25.2011
Busy Busy
This time of year is always extremely busy in my family...and I often hyperventilate my way through it. This year, I really want to try and relax and actually enjoy each and every moment without stressing about all the things I need to do to prepare for the next one.
To give you an idea of the intensity of this time of year, two years ago, this very weekend, Hubby and I traveled to Central New York, near Ithaca, to celebrate my grandmother's 80th birthday—with my entire family (dad's side)...all 6 of her kids and spouses, all 12 of her grandchildren, and all 13 of her great-grandchildren (two more have been born since, not by me...but who's counting). And this amazing family reunion happened on my mother's 60th birthday!
It was a 6 hour drive each way. We were back in Boston for about 3 days when we headed off on another 3 hour drive to spend another long weekend with the other side of the family in order to celebrate my mother's 60th over the 4th of July holiday. Which just so happens to be my MIL's birthday. It was quite a year.
So, this year...here's what's coming up over the next few weeks. I'm hoping writing it all out will get me excited about each event so I can stop stressing about the preparations.
6/25 Today: Visit my best friend, her husband and adorable adopted from Korea almost three-year-old. Stop at IKEA on the way because when you have a new house, you always need something from IKEA! (Ironically, dad's side of the family is again together this weekend for high school graduation and wedding. They were really hoping we'd show, but I still haven't resolved my daddy issues, so thank goodness for tomorrow's event as an excuse!)
6/26 Tomorrow: Celebrate Hubby's Aunt's 60th birthday at a big family reunion luncheon. (Did I mention that 75% of his family has their birthday in the last week of June?). Stop off at SIL's dad's house to see SIL and niece Lady C who just arrived in town on Thursday.
6/27 Monday: Mom's birthday. Remember to call her. Possibly meet a college friend who is in town for work for dinner.
2/28 Tuesday: Clean the house in preparation for Little Bro, SIL, and Lady C to stay on Saturday night.
6/29 Wednesday: WORK DEADLINE. Shop for first birthday present for Lady C and new baby gift for cousin S baby girl.
6/30 Thursday: Try to take the afternoon off to spend with SIL and Lady C. Work party in the evening, followed by late birthday dinner for one of my favorite coworkers who's last day is also Thursday. So sad about this I can barely stand it. I sit next to him. We eat lunch together nearly every day. I don't know what I am going to do when he's gone but be incredibly bored! Don't worry. He's gay. Hubby doesn't need to be jealous.
7/1 Friday: More time to clean the house, and move all the glass objects up off of low shelves because Lady C is walking now. Start packing for 4 days away with the family.
7/2 Saturday: Vacuum the house, make up the beds, shop for something for dinner. Little Bro arrives from London, picks up SIL and Lady C to stay with us for the night.
7/3 Sunday: We all head to the Berkshires to reprise our 4th of July family reunion of 2 years ago with my Mom, my Aunt and her fiance, my cousin C, husband P and their two boys (4 and 2), my cousin LJ, my cousin S, husband D and one month old baby girl C. This is where I really need the strength...the strength to enjoy the four little ones, and observe what I have to look forward to, and to not be sad about what I am still waiting for. I need to stop comparing myself to others and know that I am on my own journey that will have my own happy ending.
7/4 Monday: Feel guilty that we're not with MIL on her birthday.
7/6 Wednesday: return home
7/7 Thursday: WTF appointment with Dr. A
7/9 Saturday: Annual clam bake with our local friends (Hubby's college gang)
7/15 Friday: Take the day off to fly to Chicago, meet mom, then drive to Iowa for cousin T's (sister of cousin S) wedding.
7/16 Sunday: Drive back to Chicago, fly back to Boston. Take a deep breath and try to enjoy the rest of the summer.
Whew! I'm slightly tired just reading all of that. But also really excited, mostly to have more time with my niece (not that I don't have a great time with the rest of my family too). I'm also really glad to have some time off of work. It's been pretty faced paced since we got back from our trip in June. Not to mention that life since then was fairly consumed with out IVF cycle. A few days at a farm house in the middle of the woods with my family is a much deserved and needed break. And since I dragged Hubby to BJs last night to buy all the beverages for the trip (bottled water, juice, cans of soda, beer and wine) I can relax about being ready with our contribution to the weekend. Now I just have to dig to left over sparklers out of the basement and pack!
OK, now that I've gotten all of that out, I'm looking forward to this afternoon with my best friend, who will be moving back to New Jersey as soon as she can sell her house, to be 4 hours instead of 1 hour away. I need to enjoy the time that I have. And of course, who doesn't get excited about a trip to IKEA!
To give you an idea of the intensity of this time of year, two years ago, this very weekend, Hubby and I traveled to Central New York, near Ithaca, to celebrate my grandmother's 80th birthday—with my entire family (dad's side)...all 6 of her kids and spouses, all 12 of her grandchildren, and all 13 of her great-grandchildren (two more have been born since, not by me...but who's counting). And this amazing family reunion happened on my mother's 60th birthday!
It was a 6 hour drive each way. We were back in Boston for about 3 days when we headed off on another 3 hour drive to spend another long weekend with the other side of the family in order to celebrate my mother's 60th over the 4th of July holiday. Which just so happens to be my MIL's birthday. It was quite a year.
So, this year...here's what's coming up over the next few weeks. I'm hoping writing it all out will get me excited about each event so I can stop stressing about the preparations.
6/25 Today: Visit my best friend, her husband and adorable adopted from Korea almost three-year-old. Stop at IKEA on the way because when you have a new house, you always need something from IKEA! (Ironically, dad's side of the family is again together this weekend for high school graduation and wedding. They were really hoping we'd show, but I still haven't resolved my daddy issues, so thank goodness for tomorrow's event as an excuse!)
6/26 Tomorrow: Celebrate Hubby's Aunt's 60th birthday at a big family reunion luncheon. (Did I mention that 75% of his family has their birthday in the last week of June?). Stop off at SIL's dad's house to see SIL and niece Lady C who just arrived in town on Thursday.
6/27 Monday: Mom's birthday. Remember to call her. Possibly meet a college friend who is in town for work for dinner.
2/28 Tuesday: Clean the house in preparation for Little Bro, SIL, and Lady C to stay on Saturday night.
6/29 Wednesday: WORK DEADLINE. Shop for first birthday present for Lady C and new baby gift for cousin S baby girl.
6/30 Thursday: Try to take the afternoon off to spend with SIL and Lady C. Work party in the evening, followed by late birthday dinner for one of my favorite coworkers who's last day is also Thursday. So sad about this I can barely stand it. I sit next to him. We eat lunch together nearly every day. I don't know what I am going to do when he's gone but be incredibly bored! Don't worry. He's gay. Hubby doesn't need to be jealous.
7/1 Friday: More time to clean the house, and move all the glass objects up off of low shelves because Lady C is walking now. Start packing for 4 days away with the family.
7/2 Saturday: Vacuum the house, make up the beds, shop for something for dinner. Little Bro arrives from London, picks up SIL and Lady C to stay with us for the night.
7/3 Sunday: We all head to the Berkshires to reprise our 4th of July family reunion of 2 years ago with my Mom, my Aunt and her fiance, my cousin C, husband P and their two boys (4 and 2), my cousin LJ, my cousin S, husband D and one month old baby girl C. This is where I really need the strength...the strength to enjoy the four little ones, and observe what I have to look forward to, and to not be sad about what I am still waiting for. I need to stop comparing myself to others and know that I am on my own journey that will have my own happy ending.
7/4 Monday: Feel guilty that we're not with MIL on her birthday.
7/6 Wednesday: return home
7/7 Thursday: WTF appointment with Dr. A
7/9 Saturday: Annual clam bake with our local friends (Hubby's college gang)
7/15 Friday: Take the day off to fly to Chicago, meet mom, then drive to Iowa for cousin T's (sister of cousin S) wedding.
7/16 Sunday: Drive back to Chicago, fly back to Boston. Take a deep breath and try to enjoy the rest of the summer.
Whew! I'm slightly tired just reading all of that. But also really excited, mostly to have more time with my niece (not that I don't have a great time with the rest of my family too). I'm also really glad to have some time off of work. It's been pretty faced paced since we got back from our trip in June. Not to mention that life since then was fairly consumed with out IVF cycle. A few days at a farm house in the middle of the woods with my family is a much deserved and needed break. And since I dragged Hubby to BJs last night to buy all the beverages for the trip (bottled water, juice, cans of soda, beer and wine) I can relax about being ready with our contribution to the weekend. Now I just have to dig to left over sparklers out of the basement and pack!
OK, now that I've gotten all of that out, I'm looking forward to this afternoon with my best friend, who will be moving back to New Jersey as soon as she can sell her house, to be 4 hours instead of 1 hour away. I need to enjoy the time that I have. And of course, who doesn't get excited about a trip to IKEA!
6.22.2011
Getting Shit Done
I vacuumed up
It feels good. It feels like a fresh start.
Speaking of fresh starts, I have a call into the nurse to see if it's feasible to make this cycle the start of the next IVF, which would mean starting Lupron in about 3 weeks, and also that we would need to be protecting this month. We'll see what she says, but I think we're both eager to keep at it. I'm hoping the second time will be less consuming because we will be prepared for the process.
And lastly, by request, here are some photos of my one pair of new shoes, and a bit about the story of the patio.
 |
| This is how it looked when we started |
 |
| Here's Hubby digging up all the half dead grass |
 |
| Our new fire pit |
 |
This is the little path around to the back from the front yard, which used to have grass, and was a pain in the ass to mow. We used some of the random slate pavers to make a path of stepping stones. |
 |
| Coming around the corner to the patio. Eventually we will add stone dust between the pavers to help level it off, and get rid of the rest of the grass around the pavers. We're all about less grass to tend to. |
 |
| Looking back toward the front yard. More of that grass we'll get rid of someday. |
 |
| View from the back corner of there house, where one day, there will be a big deck. |
 |
| I needed new dressier brown sandals. These are Clarks, which I love, and make up about half of my shoe wardrobe. |
6.21.2011
the end of the world as we know it
Hubby has a thing for end of the world, zombie apocalypse, alien invasion stories. Right now, I'm sitting on the couch with him, with his mother, his brother and his best friend all here, to watch yet another version of this end of the world story. A new show starring Noah Wylie, called Falling Skies just started.
I'm not in the mood. (sorry hubby, but I'm glad you're having fun making this in to a big event with your family).
I really don't want to watch yet another story of the world ending, while I am waiting sodesperately patiently for the next phase my my world to start.
Hubby is a bit of a conspiracy theorist, and does think that the world will potentially face major problems in our lifetime due to oil shortages, economic collapse, etc. While I think it's probably wise to expect some type of change in the world in the future, I would really rather not spend too much time thinking about it. I have enough time with anxiety about the future and depression and disappointment about the past. I have to work really hard at thinking about now, keeping my mind in the present, enjoying the moment that I am in.
I really don't want to think about alien invasions.
But I'm really just cranky, and tired, and crampy and back achy, as AF arrived last night, and I really don't want to think about much of anything. And I certainly don't feel like being social.
The good news is that now the bathroom is clean (thanks to my awesome hubby), the rug is vacuumed and the tables are dusted because I freaked out when hubby told me of his plan to have everyone over and insisted that we do all of these things before we could allow people into our house.
It's the small victories.
I'll leave you with one more random thought. This morning, Hubby told me that he had run some statistical numbers last night. Based on the assumption that we have a 35% chance with each individual IVF cycle, after 4 cycles, our chance overall of success is in the 80s. And after 6 cycles, it would be 92%. It exhausts me to think of having to do it that many times, scares me that insurance will not cover us that long, (although I'm told my them I have no plan limits, and by my RE that they do in fact usually cover 6 cycles...please everyone, move to MA, for insurance, and because I need friends!), and gives me hope that we will in fact become parents, somehow, someway...hopefully before we have to grab our emergency go bag, can goods and cash and run for the mountains.
I'm not in the mood. (sorry hubby, but I'm glad you're having fun making this in to a big event with your family).
I really don't want to watch yet another story of the world ending, while I am waiting so
Hubby is a bit of a conspiracy theorist, and does think that the world will potentially face major problems in our lifetime due to oil shortages, economic collapse, etc. While I think it's probably wise to expect some type of change in the world in the future, I would really rather not spend too much time thinking about it. I have enough time with anxiety about the future and depression and disappointment about the past. I have to work really hard at thinking about now, keeping my mind in the present, enjoying the moment that I am in.
I really don't want to think about alien invasions.
But I'm really just cranky, and tired, and crampy and back achy, as AF arrived last night, and I really don't want to think about much of anything. And I certainly don't feel like being social.
The good news is that now the bathroom is clean (thanks to my awesome hubby), the rug is vacuumed and the tables are dusted because I freaked out when hubby told me of his plan to have everyone over and insisted that we do all of these things before we could allow people into our house.
It's the small victories.
I'll leave you with one more random thought. This morning, Hubby told me that he had run some statistical numbers last night. Based on the assumption that we have a 35% chance with each individual IVF cycle, after 4 cycles, our chance overall of success is in the 80s. And after 6 cycles, it would be 92%. It exhausts me to think of having to do it that many times, scares me that insurance will not cover us that long, (although I'm told my them I have no plan limits, and by my RE that they do in fact usually cover 6 cycles...please everyone, move to MA, for insurance, and because I need friends!), and gives me hope that we will in fact become parents, somehow, someway...hopefully before we have to grab our emergency go bag, can goods and cash and run for the mountains.
Ups and Downs
I'm feeling all over the place these days. Which is to be expected, I guess. (see, self-compassion, recognizing that mood swings are normal given what I've just been through).
I could probably use another really good cry. I've definitely welled up a time or two, but haven't really let loose, not even with my therapist today. I did have a toddler like near melt-down while out shopping on Sunday with Hubby.
The day started off quite nicely. We went for a nice walk in the morning, and then headed out to run some errands and see the recently filmed broadway production of Company that has a limited run in movie theaters. We were pretty much ignoring the fact that it was Father's Day seeing as neither one of are currently on speaking terms with our dads.
Unfortunately, when we got to the ticket window, it was sold out! Who would have thought. So, we decided to continue on with our errands, and if we finished early enough, we'd be able to surprise Hubby's mom and grandparents who were in fact together for Father's Day.
We had a nice time walking around, each getting a new pair of shoes. Life was good. Until we went to DSW to look for one last pair of shoes I had on my list. I couldn't find anything I wanted. I got disappointed, as I often do, when things don't go according to the vision I had in my head. And my mood crashed. Coincidentally, it was around 2:30, and I needed a snack, which we got. It helped some, but my mood never quite recovered. It was frustrating that I did in fact get one great new pair of shoes, that I needed, and let the fact that I couldn't find the cute flat black sandals I had in my head ruin my day.
I realized that over the past few years, shopping has lost it's joy for me. I used to be able to go for hours, with never a shortage of items to buy. Sometime after I hit 30, my body changed, I've never been able to find a go to store, and shopping became tiring and frustrating. When I go now, I'll try on dozens of shirts, to find one or two things to take home, if I'm lucky. I never would have dreamed it in my mid-20s, when my closet was filled with Gap and Express, that my wardrobe would be largely now made up of t-shirts from Land's End. Hardly what one imagines a hip interior designer wearing to work.
Shoes on the other hand, are usually not a problem. Although, they have started to be in the past year. I never thought I'd rather buy stuff online than spend a day at the mall, but here I am!
* * *
Hubby came home in the middle of me writing this last night, and I sort of lost where I was going with it, so I'm just going to post it.
I could probably use another really good cry. I've definitely welled up a time or two, but haven't really let loose, not even with my therapist today. I did have a toddler like near melt-down while out shopping on Sunday with Hubby.
The day started off quite nicely. We went for a nice walk in the morning, and then headed out to run some errands and see the recently filmed broadway production of Company that has a limited run in movie theaters. We were pretty much ignoring the fact that it was Father's Day seeing as neither one of are currently on speaking terms with our dads.
Unfortunately, when we got to the ticket window, it was sold out! Who would have thought. So, we decided to continue on with our errands, and if we finished early enough, we'd be able to surprise Hubby's mom and grandparents who were in fact together for Father's Day.
We had a nice time walking around, each getting a new pair of shoes. Life was good. Until we went to DSW to look for one last pair of shoes I had on my list. I couldn't find anything I wanted. I got disappointed, as I often do, when things don't go according to the vision I had in my head. And my mood crashed. Coincidentally, it was around 2:30, and I needed a snack, which we got. It helped some, but my mood never quite recovered. It was frustrating that I did in fact get one great new pair of shoes, that I needed, and let the fact that I couldn't find the cute flat black sandals I had in my head ruin my day.
I realized that over the past few years, shopping has lost it's joy for me. I used to be able to go for hours, with never a shortage of items to buy. Sometime after I hit 30, my body changed, I've never been able to find a go to store, and shopping became tiring and frustrating. When I go now, I'll try on dozens of shirts, to find one or two things to take home, if I'm lucky. I never would have dreamed it in my mid-20s, when my closet was filled with Gap and Express, that my wardrobe would be largely now made up of t-shirts from Land's End. Hardly what one imagines a hip interior designer wearing to work.
Shoes on the other hand, are usually not a problem. Although, they have started to be in the past year. I never thought I'd rather buy stuff online than spend a day at the mall, but here I am!
* * *
Hubby came home in the middle of me writing this last night, and I sort of lost where I was going with it, so I'm just going to post it.
6.19.2011
Digging in the Dirt
Yesterday turned out to be a pretty great day. And I actually didn't end up crying.
Hubby and I tackled the patio area, digging up a bunch of half dead grass, and all the weeds growing in between the off kilter slate pavers. We had half a pick-up full of mulch, which we needed to make room for. We are all about minimizing grass to maintain.
It was hard work. I sweated, got over heated, but we finish the task. Just as we finished, the skies opened up and we got caught in the rain while putting away the garden tools.
And I laughed.
I love to get caught in the rain. I tried, unsuccessfully, many times last summer to get caught in the rain on an evening walk. It was the perfect way to cool off after hard work in the hot sun.
We still have to get some stone dust to spread in the cracks between the pavers, but it's not longer full of over grown weeds. It looks so much better. We had dinner with a few friends, and invited them back to enjoy our hard work with a fire in our new fire pit. It was nice to just sit and stare at the flames while they chatted. Fires are so mesmerizing — and I happen to come from a long line of pyros (on both sides).
It was good. I set out with a task in mind. Finished it (at least to a usable state) and enjoyed it, all in the same day. I'm going to try and focus on experiences like that for awhile, instead of some of the other thoughts that still fly through my head.
Like the fear of never being a mother, the inadequacy I feel as a woman, you know, typical infertile stuff like that. Like the fact that when some of you commented yesterday that I'm a strong person, my first thought was "are you crazy, do you know me? I don't feel strong at all!"
When the reality is, that I guess I am pretty strong. Because yesterday, I took care of myself. I tackled an important task, accomplished something that has been on my list of a long time...and then let myself enjoy it. And that, my friends, it usually the hardest part for me. I had also wanted to work on the table I'm going to paint. I didn't get to it. But I didn't feel like a failure, or unaccomplished because of it. It's a step in the right direction.
Hubby and I tackled the patio area, digging up a bunch of half dead grass, and all the weeds growing in between the off kilter slate pavers. We had half a pick-up full of mulch, which we needed to make room for. We are all about minimizing grass to maintain.
It was hard work. I sweated, got over heated, but we finish the task. Just as we finished, the skies opened up and we got caught in the rain while putting away the garden tools.
And I laughed.
I love to get caught in the rain. I tried, unsuccessfully, many times last summer to get caught in the rain on an evening walk. It was the perfect way to cool off after hard work in the hot sun.
We still have to get some stone dust to spread in the cracks between the pavers, but it's not longer full of over grown weeds. It looks so much better. We had dinner with a few friends, and invited them back to enjoy our hard work with a fire in our new fire pit. It was nice to just sit and stare at the flames while they chatted. Fires are so mesmerizing — and I happen to come from a long line of pyros (on both sides).
It was good. I set out with a task in mind. Finished it (at least to a usable state) and enjoyed it, all in the same day. I'm going to try and focus on experiences like that for awhile, instead of some of the other thoughts that still fly through my head.
Like the fear of never being a mother, the inadequacy I feel as a woman, you know, typical infertile stuff like that. Like the fact that when some of you commented yesterday that I'm a strong person, my first thought was "are you crazy, do you know me? I don't feel strong at all!"
When the reality is, that I guess I am pretty strong. Because yesterday, I took care of myself. I tackled an important task, accomplished something that has been on my list of a long time...and then let myself enjoy it. And that, my friends, it usually the hardest part for me. I had also wanted to work on the table I'm going to paint. I didn't get to it. But I didn't feel like a failure, or unaccomplished because of it. It's a step in the right direction.
6.18.2011
Allowing Myself to Feel
One of the biggest struggles I've had through most of my life is allowing myself to feel sadness, allowing myself to cry. It's almost as if I think if I let myself actually break down and cry, then I'm admitting that I did something wrong to make myself so sad. Doesn't that sound like some sick, extreme form of perfectionism.
The earliest memory I have of trying to suppress tears is of the day of my grandfather's funeral. I was in sixth grade, and had begun wearing eye makeup. I remember very consciously, globing on a ton of mascara, specifically so I would have to stop myself from crying, or I would look like a raccoon. Where on earth did such an insane idea come from.
Ever since then, I've mostly suppressed tears, and when they do come, it's epic, it lasts for hours, and it exhausts me for days. One of the things I've been working on a lot in my journey through IF, is allowing myself to feel. I have to acknowledge the feeling in order to move on from it. That is what this weekend is about.
My SIL is a writer, and told me recently about an article she wrote about a new book on self-compassion. It's sort of an alternate theory to self-esteem. Self-esteem comes from comparing yourself to others, thinking you are better than them. But then, when you don't compare, for example, to all the people around you who seem to manage pregnancy so easily, you feel like a complete and utter failure. Self-compassion, on the other hand, is about accepting your feelings, and taking care of yourself while feeling them. It is about improving yourself because you care about yourself, not because you need to be perfect, or need to compare to others. As I write this, I think I need to buy the book. I think I need to work on self-compassion because I think a lot of my anxiety and feelings of not getting shit done are a result of the self-esteem theory. And as a side note, I want to learn better habits of taking care of myself so that I can pass them on to my children, when they do finally get here.
So, this is a really long winded way of saying, that I am going to let the tears flow whenever they feel like flowing this weekend. But at the same time, I am going to be productive, and move my body. I am going to take on some yard work and a furniture painting project that have been on my list for a long time...yes, because I need to feel a sense of some kind of accomplishment this weekend, but I also need to feel my body ache. I've been so stagnant during the two week wait and the last week of stims before that. I'm stiff and sore. I need to feel the power of my body. I also need to feel creative. Embrace the power that I have to beautify my surroundings. It's the thing all of my friends ask me for help with, and the thing that I'm always down on myself for because I can't seem to get it done in my own house. But just because I haven't had the energy to get it done in my own house, doesn't mean that I am not good at it. I am really good at it. I just have to do it.
I am grateful that I only had one day of work to get through with the negative news. Grateful that it was Friday, when literally half the office seems not to work because they are home with their kids. (Give me another year or so and that's going to be me too, right?!) I'm grateful that I tested at home in the morning, so that I had a chance to curl back up in bed with hubby and let out some of the tears for a half hour before I really had to get ready for work.
And I'm grateful for the incredible outpouring of support from all of you. I even heard from many of you I've never heard from before. It seems like I blinked and hit 40 followers. It's amazing. I may have mentioned before, that I am sorely lacking in the girlfriend department. I have no one local. Most of the people we hang out with are Hubby's friends from college, who are 6 years older than me, and never want to have children. So, I am thankful every day that I have found this amazing community.
Last night, Hubby and I debriefed at one of our favorite restaurants, Margaritas. (not a coincidence). And the margarita I had tasted so good. We talked about next steps, which, of course, begins with the WTF in three weeks. I'm told all of the doctors at the hospital meet weekly to discuss all the cycles and decide what to change. I'm curious to hear what they come up with. It seems like our appointment is early enough into my next cycle, that if they let us, we'd be able to start on Lupron shortly after that appointment — if they stick with that protocol that is. If the doctors are willing to launch right into the next cycle, than so are we. Otherwise, waiting a month won't be the end of the world. We've waiting this long. What's another month? At least we are lucky enough to already have been approved by insurance for our second IVF.
We also talked about starting to save money for plan B, should we need it. Plan B would likely be adoption, because by the time we get there, I will be 37 and I don't want to spend thousands and thousands on dollars and something that isn't guaranteed. We've got so many projects we want to do around our house, so it's a balancing act of savings. But it makes me feel a lot better that we will have our family one way or another if we are able to start saving now. And if we don't need to spend that money to get the children, then we will be able to spend it ON them, which is even better.
I'm sorry this is all a bit of a jumble right now. There's just lots and lots to think about.
Again, thank you all so much for being there.
The earliest memory I have of trying to suppress tears is of the day of my grandfather's funeral. I was in sixth grade, and had begun wearing eye makeup. I remember very consciously, globing on a ton of mascara, specifically so I would have to stop myself from crying, or I would look like a raccoon. Where on earth did such an insane idea come from.
Ever since then, I've mostly suppressed tears, and when they do come, it's epic, it lasts for hours, and it exhausts me for days. One of the things I've been working on a lot in my journey through IF, is allowing myself to feel. I have to acknowledge the feeling in order to move on from it. That is what this weekend is about.
My SIL is a writer, and told me recently about an article she wrote about a new book on self-compassion. It's sort of an alternate theory to self-esteem. Self-esteem comes from comparing yourself to others, thinking you are better than them. But then, when you don't compare, for example, to all the people around you who seem to manage pregnancy so easily, you feel like a complete and utter failure. Self-compassion, on the other hand, is about accepting your feelings, and taking care of yourself while feeling them. It is about improving yourself because you care about yourself, not because you need to be perfect, or need to compare to others. As I write this, I think I need to buy the book. I think I need to work on self-compassion because I think a lot of my anxiety and feelings of not getting shit done are a result of the self-esteem theory. And as a side note, I want to learn better habits of taking care of myself so that I can pass them on to my children, when they do finally get here.
So, this is a really long winded way of saying, that I am going to let the tears flow whenever they feel like flowing this weekend. But at the same time, I am going to be productive, and move my body. I am going to take on some yard work and a furniture painting project that have been on my list for a long time...yes, because I need to feel a sense of some kind of accomplishment this weekend, but I also need to feel my body ache. I've been so stagnant during the two week wait and the last week of stims before that. I'm stiff and sore. I need to feel the power of my body. I also need to feel creative. Embrace the power that I have to beautify my surroundings. It's the thing all of my friends ask me for help with, and the thing that I'm always down on myself for because I can't seem to get it done in my own house. But just because I haven't had the energy to get it done in my own house, doesn't mean that I am not good at it. I am really good at it. I just have to do it.
I am grateful that I only had one day of work to get through with the negative news. Grateful that it was Friday, when literally half the office seems not to work because they are home with their kids. (Give me another year or so and that's going to be me too, right?!) I'm grateful that I tested at home in the morning, so that I had a chance to curl back up in bed with hubby and let out some of the tears for a half hour before I really had to get ready for work.
And I'm grateful for the incredible outpouring of support from all of you. I even heard from many of you I've never heard from before. It seems like I blinked and hit 40 followers. It's amazing. I may have mentioned before, that I am sorely lacking in the girlfriend department. I have no one local. Most of the people we hang out with are Hubby's friends from college, who are 6 years older than me, and never want to have children. So, I am thankful every day that I have found this amazing community.
Last night, Hubby and I debriefed at one of our favorite restaurants, Margaritas. (not a coincidence). And the margarita I had tasted so good. We talked about next steps, which, of course, begins with the WTF in three weeks. I'm told all of the doctors at the hospital meet weekly to discuss all the cycles and decide what to change. I'm curious to hear what they come up with. It seems like our appointment is early enough into my next cycle, that if they let us, we'd be able to start on Lupron shortly after that appointment — if they stick with that protocol that is. If the doctors are willing to launch right into the next cycle, than so are we. Otherwise, waiting a month won't be the end of the world. We've waiting this long. What's another month? At least we are lucky enough to already have been approved by insurance for our second IVF.
We also talked about starting to save money for plan B, should we need it. Plan B would likely be adoption, because by the time we get there, I will be 37 and I don't want to spend thousands and thousands on dollars and something that isn't guaranteed. We've got so many projects we want to do around our house, so it's a balancing act of savings. But it makes me feel a lot better that we will have our family one way or another if we are able to start saving now. And if we don't need to spend that money to get the children, then we will be able to spend it ON them, which is even better.
I'm sorry this is all a bit of a jumble right now. There's just lots and lots to think about.
Again, thank you all so much for being there.
6.17.2011
Negative
No energy to think of a catchier title. Test at home was negative. Message from nurse just confirmed. WTF appointment in 3 weeks.
Sitting outside away from my desk for a few minutes to make some phone calls. Watching the rain fall. Seems fitting.
Much more to say later. But for now, I thank you all more than I can say for all the support.
Any ideas on how to improve egg quality??
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
Sitting outside away from my desk for a few minutes to make some phone calls. Watching the rain fall. Seems fitting.
Much more to say later. But for now, I thank you all more than I can say for all the support.
Any ideas on how to improve egg quality??
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
6.16.2011
Tomorrow
Tomorrow could be one of the best days of my life.
Tomorrow could be one of the worst days of my life.
How is one supposed to prepare for such two drastically different outcomes? I can't think of any other situation in life where the two opposing outcomes are so drastically different. There just isn't any precedent on how one should feel the night before getting such news. Especially not for getting news when I know exactly when that news is coming. Approximately 10 hours from now.
I'm trying to think about previous situations in my life where I was waiting for a yes/no answer.
Tomorrow could be one of the worst days of my life.
How is one supposed to prepare for such two drastically different outcomes? I can't think of any other situation in life where the two opposing outcomes are so drastically different. There just isn't any precedent on how one should feel the night before getting such news. Especially not for getting news when I know exactly when that news is coming. Approximately 10 hours from now.
I'm trying to think about previous situations in my life where I was waiting for a yes/no answer.
- Getting into college. I was number 2 in my class. So I guess I wasn't really worried about that one. And it's not like you know exactly when the letter is going to arrive in the mailbox. It just sort of sneaks up on you.
- Passing my professional exam. Well, it would have sucked if I didn't. But was I really going to fail all three sections? It still would have been a step forward.
- Making an offer on our house. Again, it would have sucked if we didn't get the house, but we would have found a different house, or made do where we were for a little longer. In that situation, we did know we'd have an answer on that particular day, but not the exact second when the phone would ring.
I don't know. That's all I've got. And it's not enough to tell me how I'm supposed to feel right now.
I surprisingly don't feel as nervous as I thought I would. I expect that will change as soon as I try to sleep. I think I've been so busy at work I haven't had too much time to think during the week. I still feel really tired, and a bit headachy. And I have absolutely no idea how this is going to go.
And I have no idea how I'm supposed to feel.
6.14.2011
To Pee or Not to Pee
At 10dp3dt, that is the question.
My beta is scheduled for Friday, 13dp3dt, which will be CD29.
I'm having such a crazy work at week, it takes away some of the urge to test ahead of time, because if it's going to be bad news, I'd rather only have to fight through one work day before I can curl up, than try to make it through the rest of the week. Also, that one chemical pregnancy burned us a bit, and has me wary of testing too early.
So, we decide to wait. But then, my clinic posts their results online, which means, that shortly after I made it from the hospital to my desk, the results would probably be ready. But, do I want to read them at my desk, in an open office situation with no privacy? OK, I should wait for the phone call. I always have them call my cell, because of that same pesky open office problem. But, I don't get cell reception at my desk, so when I'm waiting for reports and instructions, I am constantly taking trips out to the parking lot to get a signal and see if there are any messages. OK, that could work. Just let them leave a message, and listen to it in private. Now, that brings up the question, how does Hubby want to hear the news. Does he want me to call him right away either way? I will probably want to. But, he's having a crazy week at work too, and doesn't want to get the news either way during the work day. He wants to wait until we get home and have me tell him in person. But how will I get through the day either way?
Then I rethought my entire strategy. If they think it's ok to test on Friday, then why can't I test on Friday. I can get my result in the privacy of my own home, and be prepared for what their test will tell me. Hubby will get to find out right when I do. Sure, I may have to make it through the day in a devastated state, but I will have a chance to compose myself either way before I head out the door...first to the clinic, and then to work. Or maybe, I will just decide that I need to work from home that day, and I'll head home after the blood draw. Anyway, I think it's best to test at home on Friday.
Which then begs the question...if I'm going to test at home, what's the harm in doing it now? It's late enough, right? Oh, wait, I just said I only wanted to have to get through one work day with the news, whatever it turns out to be. Yeah, right.
Oh good god, the insanity of the two week wait. I can barely take it anymore.
As for how I am feeling, the cramps were with me through the weekend. My lower back was quite sore on Sunday, until Hubby gave me a great back rub. Sunday, I had a mild throbbing pain in my lower left, which had me worrying I'm going to end up with an ectopic.
And then, I woke up yesterday barely feeling a damn thing. Completely bizarre. Especially since over the weekend, the cramps were worst right upon waking.
Today, extremely slight rumblings, and a PMSish headache is just now starting to develop. But, that's just the progesterone, right? I mean, any of these damn symptoms can be attributed to progesterone. Which you have if your pregnant, and you have if you're not. It all just depends on how long it sticks with you, right? Boobs are still sore, but not too badly. No spotting, but I do swear there was one wipe today with a slightly tan tinge to what is usually clear. I don't like that one bit.
Have I mentioned how much I hate this?
I think I'm going to color again for a bit. Did I mention that the page I decided to color is Picasso's Girl Before a Mirror...hmmm... subconsciously drawn to a giant round pregnant belly I guess?
My beta is scheduled for Friday, 13dp3dt, which will be CD29.
I'm having such a crazy work at week, it takes away some of the urge to test ahead of time, because if it's going to be bad news, I'd rather only have to fight through one work day before I can curl up, than try to make it through the rest of the week. Also, that one chemical pregnancy burned us a bit, and has me wary of testing too early.
So, we decide to wait. But then, my clinic posts their results online, which means, that shortly after I made it from the hospital to my desk, the results would probably be ready. But, do I want to read them at my desk, in an open office situation with no privacy? OK, I should wait for the phone call. I always have them call my cell, because of that same pesky open office problem. But, I don't get cell reception at my desk, so when I'm waiting for reports and instructions, I am constantly taking trips out to the parking lot to get a signal and see if there are any messages. OK, that could work. Just let them leave a message, and listen to it in private. Now, that brings up the question, how does Hubby want to hear the news. Does he want me to call him right away either way? I will probably want to. But, he's having a crazy week at work too, and doesn't want to get the news either way during the work day. He wants to wait until we get home and have me tell him in person. But how will I get through the day either way?
Then I rethought my entire strategy. If they think it's ok to test on Friday, then why can't I test on Friday. I can get my result in the privacy of my own home, and be prepared for what their test will tell me. Hubby will get to find out right when I do. Sure, I may have to make it through the day in a devastated state, but I will have a chance to compose myself either way before I head out the door...first to the clinic, and then to work. Or maybe, I will just decide that I need to work from home that day, and I'll head home after the blood draw. Anyway, I think it's best to test at home on Friday.
Which then begs the question...if I'm going to test at home, what's the harm in doing it now? It's late enough, right? Oh, wait, I just said I only wanted to have to get through one work day with the news, whatever it turns out to be. Yeah, right.
Oh good god, the insanity of the two week wait. I can barely take it anymore.
As for how I am feeling, the cramps were with me through the weekend. My lower back was quite sore on Sunday, until Hubby gave me a great back rub. Sunday, I had a mild throbbing pain in my lower left, which had me worrying I'm going to end up with an ectopic.
And then, I woke up yesterday barely feeling a damn thing. Completely bizarre. Especially since over the weekend, the cramps were worst right upon waking.
Today, extremely slight rumblings, and a PMSish headache is just now starting to develop. But, that's just the progesterone, right? I mean, any of these damn symptoms can be attributed to progesterone. Which you have if your pregnant, and you have if you're not. It all just depends on how long it sticks with you, right? Boobs are still sore, but not too badly. No spotting, but I do swear there was one wipe today with a slightly tan tinge to what is usually clear. I don't like that one bit.
Have I mentioned how much I hate this?
I think I'm going to color again for a bit. Did I mention that the page I decided to color is Picasso's Girl Before a Mirror...hmmm... subconsciously drawn to a giant round pregnant belly I guess?
6.09.2011
Losing It
5dpd3t
I am going slowly crazy! (and my head is full of random thoughts!)
First of all, I have been completely exhausted since transfer. My mood held up for a few days though. I've been feeling warm, but not headachy. Everyone warned of constipation. I am experiencing the opposite. Which I suppose, I would rather deal with. People talk about the mess that is crinone. I haven't had a drip. It makes me paranoid that I'm not doing it right or something (thoughts?)
Tuesday night, I started to feel some pinchy twinges. Yesterday, was more crampy. Today, my uterus definitely feels like it is doing something. I have this weird stretchy, heavy feeling, low in my pelvis. Of course, my boobs hurt, but I know that's just the progesterone.
Wednesday, I was so tired, I just did not want to get out of bed. I should have just stayed there. I almost forgot deodorant (it was in the 90s yesterday!) and rushed back in the house to put it on. My coworkers thought I was insane all day. I kept saying crazy things that made no sense. I feel like I have my fuse is so short, I could go at any moment. It could be screams, tears, or laughs, and I wouldn't be able to give you any warning.
Last night, I had crazy dreams, largely centered around finding an ideal bathroom in which to pee, but never being successful, and woke up drenched in sweat (my first experience with night sweats during IVF) and of course, having to dash for the toilet. Does that ever happen to anyone else? When I really have to pee in the middle of the night, I often dream that I am wandering through some enormous shopping mall trying to find the restroom, and when I finally do, all the toilets are dirty, or clogged, and I can't find a place to actually pee. When I finally become aware of the dream, I know I had better wake myself up really fast, cause if I actually get to pee in the dream, it's not going to be good!
I haven't remembered a lot of my dreams lately, so it was really notable that this dream was so vivid. It also involved floating down a river with a bunch of friends, chatting with a high school friend on my iPhone until the battery died. We stopped at a shopping mall (where I was looking for the bathroom). When I went outside, I realized I was in Paris. I got so excited, I went running around to take pictures, and then couldn't find my way back to Hubby and our friends. I had to speak in French (which I really can't do) to have him paged. When I found him again, I made everyone go outside and look around Paris, where there was this bizarre installation of paper models of different sights of the city that we large enough to walk inside. They kept changing planes, shifting, disappearing, reappearing. It was really trippy.
When I woke up around 4am after the dream, I didn't get much more great sleep. Today, I ended up being more cranky than loopy. I've got some crazy deadlines at work, and have been spending more time sitting in meetings talking about all the work that has to be done as opposed to doing the darn work.
I have to get through one more week until beta. I am trying not to read into any of the symptoms I'm having, more so just document them at this point. So much of what I am feeling, I have felt before, when it hasn't worked out. There is just no telling. So darn frustrating.
At least, tomorrow is Friday, and I will hopefully get a little bit of down time over the weekend. And, I'm also having a fantastic time watching my favorite summer show tonight. SYTYCD. I just LOVE it.
So, yes, that was random, but as I said, I am slowly loosing my mind.
I am going slowly crazy! (and my head is full of random thoughts!)
First of all, I have been completely exhausted since transfer. My mood held up for a few days though. I've been feeling warm, but not headachy. Everyone warned of constipation. I am experiencing the opposite. Which I suppose, I would rather deal with. People talk about the mess that is crinone. I haven't had a drip. It makes me paranoid that I'm not doing it right or something (thoughts?)
Tuesday night, I started to feel some pinchy twinges. Yesterday, was more crampy. Today, my uterus definitely feels like it is doing something. I have this weird stretchy, heavy feeling, low in my pelvis. Of course, my boobs hurt, but I know that's just the progesterone.
Wednesday, I was so tired, I just did not want to get out of bed. I should have just stayed there. I almost forgot deodorant (it was in the 90s yesterday!) and rushed back in the house to put it on. My coworkers thought I was insane all day. I kept saying crazy things that made no sense. I feel like I have my fuse is so short, I could go at any moment. It could be screams, tears, or laughs, and I wouldn't be able to give you any warning.
Last night, I had crazy dreams, largely centered around finding an ideal bathroom in which to pee, but never being successful, and woke up drenched in sweat (my first experience with night sweats during IVF) and of course, having to dash for the toilet. Does that ever happen to anyone else? When I really have to pee in the middle of the night, I often dream that I am wandering through some enormous shopping mall trying to find the restroom, and when I finally do, all the toilets are dirty, or clogged, and I can't find a place to actually pee. When I finally become aware of the dream, I know I had better wake myself up really fast, cause if I actually get to pee in the dream, it's not going to be good!
I haven't remembered a lot of my dreams lately, so it was really notable that this dream was so vivid. It also involved floating down a river with a bunch of friends, chatting with a high school friend on my iPhone until the battery died. We stopped at a shopping mall (where I was looking for the bathroom). When I went outside, I realized I was in Paris. I got so excited, I went running around to take pictures, and then couldn't find my way back to Hubby and our friends. I had to speak in French (which I really can't do) to have him paged. When I found him again, I made everyone go outside and look around Paris, where there was this bizarre installation of paper models of different sights of the city that we large enough to walk inside. They kept changing planes, shifting, disappearing, reappearing. It was really trippy.
When I woke up around 4am after the dream, I didn't get much more great sleep. Today, I ended up being more cranky than loopy. I've got some crazy deadlines at work, and have been spending more time sitting in meetings talking about all the work that has to be done as opposed to doing the darn work.
I have to get through one more week until beta. I am trying not to read into any of the symptoms I'm having, more so just document them at this point. So much of what I am feeling, I have felt before, when it hasn't worked out. There is just no telling. So darn frustrating.
At least, tomorrow is Friday, and I will hopefully get a little bit of down time over the weekend. And, I'm also having a fantastic time watching my favorite summer show tonight. SYTYCD. I just LOVE it.
So, yes, that was random, but as I said, I am slowly loosing my mind.
6.06.2011
Give Me a Break
That's me, talking to myself. Telling myself to give myself a break.
I have to keep reminding myself of what I have just been through. 3 weeks of injections, a week of being so bloated, even my largest pants weren't fitting anymore, of waddling around, unable to get comfortable, with my emotional fuse so short it was amazing there wasn't a incredible explosion. 3 takes to get the IV started - complete with a giant purple bruise on my arm to coordinate with most of my wardrobe, anesthesia, my MIL having to get me home after the procedure, tornado warnings, Hubby being out the night of my recovery, the transfer, bed rest, and going back to work and pretending like nothing is out of the ordinary, when inside, I can barely concentrate, I am hoping so hard that at least one of those beautiful embryos decides to stock around.
It's no wonder that my house is a disaster, there are dishes, laundry and car hair everywhere. But I have to give myself a break. I have to take care of myself and take it slow, and give the babies time to grow and get comfy. I'm exhausted, and there is no way I'm going to get caught up on life in one night.
So, I'm settling for simply unloading and reloading the dishwasher. And then I'm going to get out the fancy coloring book I got at an art museum gift shop over a year ago, and I'm just going to color. Relax, and color, and think of all the scribbled drawings I'll get to hang on my fridge some day.
I have to keep reminding myself of what I have just been through. 3 weeks of injections, a week of being so bloated, even my largest pants weren't fitting anymore, of waddling around, unable to get comfortable, with my emotional fuse so short it was amazing there wasn't a incredible explosion. 3 takes to get the IV started - complete with a giant purple bruise on my arm to coordinate with most of my wardrobe, anesthesia, my MIL having to get me home after the procedure, tornado warnings, Hubby being out the night of my recovery, the transfer, bed rest, and going back to work and pretending like nothing is out of the ordinary, when inside, I can barely concentrate, I am hoping so hard that at least one of those beautiful embryos decides to stock around.
It's no wonder that my house is a disaster, there are dishes, laundry and car hair everywhere. But I have to give myself a break. I have to take care of myself and take it slow, and give the babies time to grow and get comfy. I'm exhausted, and there is no way I'm going to get caught up on life in one night.
So, I'm settling for simply unloading and reloading the dishwasher. And then I'm going to get out the fancy coloring book I got at an art museum gift shop over a year ago, and I'm just going to color. Relax, and color, and think of all the scribbled drawings I'll get to hang on my fridge some day.
6.05.2011
Dear Violetta (100th Post!)
Dear Violetta,
I have written this letter to you so many times in my mind. Today, the day after you came home with me, perfectly timed to be the 100th post of the blog chronicling our journey to you, seems absolutely the right time to write it.
I hope you are and your siblings are enjoying your new home, and will decide to stick around for awhile. I'm doing everything I can to make it comfy for you. Your dad and I are so excited to meet you! It took us a long time to find each other, but it was worth the wait. We know you will be worth the wait too. (but we are getting a little impatient, so please do your best to show up soon!)
I have known I wanted you to be a part of my life for as long as I can remember. I've always loved babies. I've even been known to be called a baby hog on occasion. But you are so much more to me than a baby. You will make me a mother. And I have wanted to be a mother so badly, that I was willing to try to do it on my own if I hadn't been lucky enough to meet your dad.
I've dreamed about all the halloween costumes we will make together, the birthday parties we will plan, the christmas cookies we will decorate, the movies we will watch snuggled up on the couch together with a bowl or popcorn, the sand castles we will build after a swim in the ocean, the list goes on and on. I can't wait to share all these experiences with you and find a renewed zest for life through your eyes. (because yes, my zest has been a bit dampened during this journey, I can't deny it).
Your dad is one of the hardest working, most brilliant people I know. I'm looking forward to watching him pass on his inventiveness to you. He can make anything he imagines, usually from random scraps of things he has kept around the house. You will have so much fun together! I hope you get his gift for storytelling too. Trust me, you'd rather tell stories like him than me any day.
Last summer, we bought a really great house for you. You will have a great sunny bedroom, with a huge closet (which doesn't matter to you all that much right now, but trust me, if you do turn out to be a girl, it will!), and someday I will help you decorate it however you like. There's a family room in the basement with plenty of room for lots of toys, and big enough for slumber parties. And the yard has lots of room to run and play. We can probably add a swing set sometime in the future.
More than anything, my darling baby(ies), I want you to know that you are loved, and wanted, and we are ready for you. Even if you decide that you would really much rather be a boy. We'd really be ok with that. I have a little brother, and know a thing or two about playing GI Joe or matchbox cars.
We are ready for you. Your grandmas are ready for you. Your aunt, uncles and cousin are ready for you. (Lady C just learned to walk. I'm sure she'll be excited to help you learn how when it's your turn.) and there are so many others rooting for you to grow big and strong and show up soon.
I love you, my darling Violetta (and Luigi and Lucia)!
Love,
Mom
xoxo
I have written this letter to you so many times in my mind. Today, the day after you came home with me, perfectly timed to be the 100th post of the blog chronicling our journey to you, seems absolutely the right time to write it.
I hope you are and your siblings are enjoying your new home, and will decide to stick around for awhile. I'm doing everything I can to make it comfy for you. Your dad and I are so excited to meet you! It took us a long time to find each other, but it was worth the wait. We know you will be worth the wait too. (but we are getting a little impatient, so please do your best to show up soon!)
I have known I wanted you to be a part of my life for as long as I can remember. I've always loved babies. I've even been known to be called a baby hog on occasion. But you are so much more to me than a baby. You will make me a mother. And I have wanted to be a mother so badly, that I was willing to try to do it on my own if I hadn't been lucky enough to meet your dad.
I've dreamed about all the halloween costumes we will make together, the birthday parties we will plan, the christmas cookies we will decorate, the movies we will watch snuggled up on the couch together with a bowl or popcorn, the sand castles we will build after a swim in the ocean, the list goes on and on. I can't wait to share all these experiences with you and find a renewed zest for life through your eyes. (because yes, my zest has been a bit dampened during this journey, I can't deny it).
Your dad is one of the hardest working, most brilliant people I know. I'm looking forward to watching him pass on his inventiveness to you. He can make anything he imagines, usually from random scraps of things he has kept around the house. You will have so much fun together! I hope you get his gift for storytelling too. Trust me, you'd rather tell stories like him than me any day.
Last summer, we bought a really great house for you. You will have a great sunny bedroom, with a huge closet (which doesn't matter to you all that much right now, but trust me, if you do turn out to be a girl, it will!), and someday I will help you decorate it however you like. There's a family room in the basement with plenty of room for lots of toys, and big enough for slumber parties. And the yard has lots of room to run and play. We can probably add a swing set sometime in the future.
More than anything, my darling baby(ies), I want you to know that you are loved, and wanted, and we are ready for you. Even if you decide that you would really much rather be a boy. We'd really be ok with that. I have a little brother, and know a thing or two about playing GI Joe or matchbox cars.
We are ready for you. Your grandmas are ready for you. Your aunt, uncles and cousin are ready for you. (Lady C just learned to walk. I'm sure she'll be excited to help you learn how when it's your turn.) and there are so many others rooting for you to grow big and strong and show up soon.
I love you, my darling Violetta (and Luigi and Lucia)!
Love,
Mom
xoxo
6.04.2011
PUPO
I can't believe I'm typing those letters (I can still hardly believe I have to type those letters!), but as of just before 11:30 this morning, I became pregnant until proven otherwise with three little embryos.
Yes, that's right, I said three.
Did that freak you all out as much as it did me and Hubby? We had been told based on my age, and diagnosis, they wouldn't transfer more than two. But I guess, when I saw the photo, and that the third little fighter was only two cells, I can see why they recommended to transfer all three that remained.
I can't believe it! I have three chances right now! It's amazing! The other two are a 5 and a 6. The 6 is pretty darn beautiful, don't you think?
They didn't go over the grading of them with us. And honestly, at this point, I don't really care. It will be valuable data to understand should we need to go through this process again. But today, it doesn't make a damn bit of difference to me. My three embabies are home, getting comfy with their mommy, and I couldn't be happier.
Or more exhausted for that matter! I've already had an hour and a half nap since getting home. I think the stress of the last few weeks is catching up with me finally. But I've made it to PUPO and now all I need to do is rest!
Yes, that's right, I said three.
Did that freak you all out as much as it did me and Hubby? We had been told based on my age, and diagnosis, they wouldn't transfer more than two. But I guess, when I saw the photo, and that the third little fighter was only two cells, I can see why they recommended to transfer all three that remained.
I can't believe it! I have three chances right now! It's amazing! The other two are a 5 and a 6. The 6 is pretty darn beautiful, don't you think?
They didn't go over the grading of them with us. And honestly, at this point, I don't really care. It will be valuable data to understand should we need to go through this process again. But today, it doesn't make a damn bit of difference to me. My three embabies are home, getting comfy with their mommy, and I couldn't be happier.
Or more exhausted for that matter! I've already had an hour and a half nap since getting home. I think the stress of the last few weeks is catching up with me finally. But I've made it to PUPO and now all I need to do is rest!
6.03.2011
Rainbows
Last night while driving to dinner with hubby and a friend, it started to shower, with full sun in one direction. I frantically started searching for rainbows. As we turned a corner, there it was. A full bow, staring right at me. It was already starting to fade by the time I took the photo.
Why was I searching? Because I consider rainbows to be a sign from my Gram, even since I saw a full double rainbow encircling the sun right after she died.
I got a little teary when I saw this one because I knew it was her, telling me not to worry. My embabies are going to be just fine.
(but man oh man is it going to be hard to get any work done today while I wait for the call with our transfer time for tomorrow!)
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
Why was I searching? Because I consider rainbows to be a sign from my Gram, even since I saw a full double rainbow encircling the sun right after she died.
I got a little teary when I saw this one because I knew it was her, telling me not to worry. My embabies are going to be just fine.
(but man oh man is it going to be hard to get any work done today while I wait for the call with our transfer time for tomorrow!)
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
6.02.2011
4
There are 4. I was hoping for more.
But 4 is my lucky number, so I'm going to focus on that being a good sign, and hold on to hope that those 4 will go big and strong while they wait to come back home on Saturday.
Come on Violetta, you and your siblings can do it!
But 4 is my lucky number, so I'm going to focus on that being a good sign, and hold on to hope that those 4 will go big and strong while they wait to come back home on Saturday.
Come on Violetta, you and your siblings can do it!
6.01.2011
Happy Anniversary...a little bit late
Our 3rd anniversary was Tuesday, the 31st. With all of the IVF excitement, it was a low key day, and I wasn't able to find the right time or emotional state to write a little bit about my fantastic Hubby. But his is in fact so fantastic, that I wanted to make sure to pay him tribute. He has been my rock through this whole process, committed to making this experience as stress free for me as possible. I couldn't have done it without him.
Hubby is my Super Hero. He was voted best husband by the nurses at the hospital today. And I have to agree with them. He is kind, compassionate, brilliant, funny. He takes better care of me than anyone I could imagine. He is the hardest worker I know. He anticipates my every need and often surprises me by already having done what I am just about to suggest. And he gets so excited when he does!
He is my sparkle, the light in my life. I'm happier somewhere I don't want to be when I am with him than I am when I am somewhere else by myself. When he is away, or out late at night, I tend to stay up too late because I can't manage to fall asleep when he's not there.
We are a great team. He encourages me to be creative and inventive. His enthusiasm for solving a problem, whether it is designing a new deck for our house, or creating a spreadsheet to analyze or Idol predictions, is intoxicating. His eyes twinkle, and he gets a devilish little grin.
We've spent a lot of our years together dealing with some stressful times. We've sold a house, rented a house, bought a house, changed jobs, worried about losing our jobs, stopped talking to my dad, and dealt with infertility. We've also spent a lot of time working hard to improve our homes, Home De.pot runs, assembling I.KEA furniture, etc. And, we've managed to have a few adventures, including our honeymoon in Rome, recently trip to London, and trips to the Vineyard, Florida, New Hampshire.
When we went out on Saturday night to celebrate at a nice Italian restaurant in our town, we reflected a bit on what our life together has been. We decided that we would like to have more adventures, and not get so caught up in the nitty gritty of daily life.
I hope more than anything that one of the adventures in this next year will be preparing for and becoming parents. We've already proven to be a great team, and as parents, I expect nothing less. I can't wait to see Hubby helping Violetta with science projects, building tree houses in the back yard, or taking us all on family bike rides along the Charles River, (complete with helmets, extra tire tubes, and gatorades and granola bars because he's also one of the most prepared people I know). He's going to be just as much a Super Hero Dad as he is a Super Hero Husband.
I hope Violetta will have that same twinkle in her eyes, that same devilish grin, and that same enthusiasm as her amazing dad.
Happy Anniversary, Babe. I love you more than I can say. I can't wait to see what the next year, and all the years after that, bring. Cause everything is better with you. xoxo
Hubby is my Super Hero. He was voted best husband by the nurses at the hospital today. And I have to agree with them. He is kind, compassionate, brilliant, funny. He takes better care of me than anyone I could imagine. He is the hardest worker I know. He anticipates my every need and often surprises me by already having done what I am just about to suggest. And he gets so excited when he does!
He is my sparkle, the light in my life. I'm happier somewhere I don't want to be when I am with him than I am when I am somewhere else by myself. When he is away, or out late at night, I tend to stay up too late because I can't manage to fall asleep when he's not there.
We are a great team. He encourages me to be creative and inventive. His enthusiasm for solving a problem, whether it is designing a new deck for our house, or creating a spreadsheet to analyze or Idol predictions, is intoxicating. His eyes twinkle, and he gets a devilish little grin.
We've spent a lot of our years together dealing with some stressful times. We've sold a house, rented a house, bought a house, changed jobs, worried about losing our jobs, stopped talking to my dad, and dealt with infertility. We've also spent a lot of time working hard to improve our homes, Home De.pot runs, assembling I.KEA furniture, etc. And, we've managed to have a few adventures, including our honeymoon in Rome, recently trip to London, and trips to the Vineyard, Florida, New Hampshire.
When we went out on Saturday night to celebrate at a nice Italian restaurant in our town, we reflected a bit on what our life together has been. We decided that we would like to have more adventures, and not get so caught up in the nitty gritty of daily life.
I hope more than anything that one of the adventures in this next year will be preparing for and becoming parents. We've already proven to be a great team, and as parents, I expect nothing less. I can't wait to see Hubby helping Violetta with science projects, building tree houses in the back yard, or taking us all on family bike rides along the Charles River, (complete with helmets, extra tire tubes, and gatorades and granola bars because he's also one of the most prepared people I know). He's going to be just as much a Super Hero Dad as he is a Super Hero Husband.
I hope Violetta will have that same twinkle in her eyes, that same devilish grin, and that same enthusiasm as her amazing dad.
Happy Anniversary, Babe. I love you more than I can say. I can't wait to see what the next year, and all the years after that, bring. Cause everything is better with you. xoxo
* * *
As a side note, thanks so much for all the great thoughts today. It's amazing to know there are so many people rooting for our little embryos. I can't wait to update you all tomorrow!
14
Just home from retrieval which went smoothly, despite the fact that the nurse had to try three times to get the IV in place. There were a lot of good signs making me feel optimistic, through my sleepiness.
Now, I'm feeling super sleepy, and a little bit sore. Hubby will be bringing home the good painkillers with him if I should feel the need. It's time for a nap, and some back episodes of GH.
Fert report tomorrow!
- It's Grandma's birthday. Her maiden name is actually the real middle name we want to use if we have a girl.
- Even though our anniversary was yesterday, today is the anniversary of the first day we woke up together as husband and wife.
- The first nurse I dealt with has the same last name as the street Hubby grew up on.
- My pregnancy test will be on my niece, Lady C's, first birthday, 6/17. 17 has alwasy been my brother's lucky number. Hoping his luck wears off on me.
- 14 eggs! And 4 has always been one of my lucky numbers. I'll count it with a 1 in from of it in this case.
Now, I'm feeling super sleepy, and a little bit sore. Hubby will be bringing home the good painkillers with him if I should feel the need. It's time for a nap, and some back episodes of GH.
Fert report tomorrow!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)