Allowing Myself to Feel

One of the biggest struggles I've had through most of my life is allowing myself to feel sadness, allowing myself to cry. It's almost as if I think if I let myself actually break down and cry, then I'm admitting that I did something wrong to make myself so sad. Doesn't that sound like some sick, extreme form of perfectionism.

The earliest memory I have of trying to suppress tears is of the day of my grandfather's funeral. I was in sixth grade, and had begun wearing eye makeup. I remember very consciously, globing on a ton of mascara, specifically so I would have to stop myself from crying, or I would look like a raccoon. Where on earth did such an insane idea come from.

Ever since then, I've mostly suppressed tears, and when they do come, it's epic, it lasts for hours, and it exhausts me for days. One of the things I've been working on a lot in my journey through IF, is allowing myself to feel. I have to acknowledge the feeling in order to move on from it. That is what this weekend is about.

My SIL is a writer, and told me recently about an article she wrote about a new book on self-compassion. It's sort of an alternate theory to self-esteem. Self-esteem comes from comparing yourself to others, thinking you are better than them. But then, when you don't compare, for example, to all the people around you who seem to manage pregnancy so easily, you feel like a complete and utter failure. Self-compassion, on the other hand, is about accepting your feelings, and taking care of yourself while feeling them. It is about improving yourself because you care about yourself, not because you need to be perfect, or need to compare to others. As I write this, I think I need to buy the book. I think I need to work on self-compassion because I think a lot of my anxiety and feelings of not getting shit done are a result of the self-esteem theory. And as a side note, I want to learn better habits of taking care of myself so that I can pass them on to my children, when they do finally get here.

So, this is a really long winded way of saying, that I am going to let the tears flow whenever they feel like flowing this weekend. But at the same time, I am going to be productive, and move my body. I am going to take on some yard work and a furniture painting project that have been on my list for a long time...yes, because I need to feel a sense of some kind of accomplishment this weekend, but I also need to feel my body ache. I've been so stagnant during the two week wait and the last week of stims before that. I'm stiff and sore. I need to feel the power of my body. I also need to feel creative. Embrace the power that I have to beautify my surroundings. It's the thing all of my friends ask me for help with, and the thing that I'm always down on myself for because I can't seem to get it done in my own house. But just because I haven't had the energy to get it done in my own house, doesn't mean that I am not good at it. I am really good at it. I just have to do it.

I am grateful that I only had one day of work to get through with the negative news. Grateful that it was Friday, when literally half the office seems not to work because they are home with their kids. (Give me another year or so and that's going to be me too, right?!) I'm grateful that I tested at home in the morning, so that I had a chance to curl back up in bed with hubby and let out some of the tears for a half hour before I really had to get ready for work.

And I'm grateful for the incredible outpouring of support from all of you. I even heard from many of you I've never heard from before. It seems like I blinked and hit 40 followers. It's amazing. I may have mentioned before, that I am sorely lacking in the girlfriend department. I have no one local. Most of the people we hang out with are Hubby's friends from college, who are 6 years older than me, and never want to have children. So, I am thankful every day that I have found this amazing community.

Last night, Hubby and I debriefed at one of our favorite restaurants, Margaritas. (not a coincidence). And the margarita I had tasted so good. We talked about next steps, which, of course, begins with the WTF in three weeks. I'm told all of the doctors at the hospital meet weekly to discuss all the cycles and decide what to change. I'm curious to hear what they come up with. It seems like our appointment is early enough into my next cycle, that if they let us, we'd be able to start on Lupron shortly after that appointment — if they stick with that protocol that is. If the doctors are willing to launch right into the next cycle, than so are we. Otherwise, waiting a month won't be the end of the world. We've waiting this long. What's another month? At least we are lucky enough to already have been approved by insurance for our second IVF.

We also talked about starting to save money for plan B, should we need it. Plan B would likely be adoption, because by the time we get there, I will be 37 and I don't want to spend thousands and thousands on dollars and something that isn't guaranteed. We've got so many projects we want to do around our house, so it's a balancing act of savings. But it makes me feel a lot better that we will have our family one way or another if we are able to start saving now. And if we don't need to spend that money to get the children, then we will be able to spend it ON them, which is even better.

I'm sorry this is all a bit of a jumble right now. There's just lots and lots to think about.

Again, thank you all so much for being there.