Mixed Emotions

I'm a little bit all over the place right now. I've definitely had some nice times over the last few days wit friends and family. I've managed to be in those moments, and really enjoy them. Saturday, I got to stick my feet in the ocean (wish it could have been my whole body) which always had a calming effect on me. Sunday, I got to do laps back and forth on the sidewalk with my adorable niece.

But in the in between times, when I'm at work or at home, I'm definitely spinning a little out of control. My project at work is moving a mile a minute. My best work friend has his last day tomorrow. I'm feeling the pressure to clean up the house to prepare for my Little Bro, SIL and Lady Clara to stay...for all of 18 hours or so, which Hubby pointed out to me last night when I was freaking out. Even Little Bro knows me too well. I received an email from him today saying "don't freak out about cleaning up your house for us. I'm your brother. I already know how you live."

The thing that people don't get, even if they know how I live...is that I DON'T WANT TO LIVE THIS WAY. But I am really struggling with how to work a crazy job, exercise, eat in a remotely health way, and keep some semblance of order in my house in what is an extremely chaotic world. I think I have shoved aside my disappointment over our IVF cycle and have latched on to the idea of making my house more complete, organized, orderly...as a distraction, something I can actually control, who knows.

My disappointment managed to fight it's way to the surface, however, last night. It was set off by something I didn't consciously expect, but isn't entirely surprising either.

I saw a new post pop up in my reader. One that I had been waiting days for. One that I thought I wouldn't see until today. You all know what I'm taking about. A beta result, from one of the first blogs I started following, and from one of the bloggers I have always related to the most. (You know who you are I am sure, and please know that I am absolutely thrilled for you. I was hoping, and praying  well, I'm not actually religious, but whatever, that this would be the outcome for you. I was stalking my reader for days hoping for good news. One of the things I admire most about your blog is your honesty and admission of all of the ways you are feeling, and the eloquent way in which you write about them. This is why I know that you get it). She was about a week or so behind me in what was the first IVF cycle for both of us. We were supposed to get to chronicle our pregnancies together, damn it! But I wasn't so lucky.

So, when I saw her post, I clicked over as quickly as I could, holding my breath until the words popped up on the screen. And tears came to my eyes. Tears of joy for her. I know how much she wants this, how hard she worked to get here. But those tears of joy quickly turned to tears of sorrow for myself.

I'm not going to punish myself for feeling that sorrow though. That wouldn't be very self-compassionate of me, would it? In fact, I sat down on the couch to watch the finale of The Voice, and just let the tears ebb and flow as they chose. And when Hubby saw my face as we were headed upstairs to bed, he asked what was wrong. I gasped, choked back a sob and blurted out through tears "One of my favorite bloggers got pregnant, and I'm happy for her and sad for me!"


I think it was important for me to have that moment of sorrow. If you read Womb for Improvement, you may have seen Liz's wombmate's thoughts on grief. I'm really good at avoiding. I've had to rally at work, and for my busy end of June/July social marathon. It makes it really easy to avoid. And so I'm glad that the news that thrilled me to death, also gave me a moment to again acknowledge the grief I do in fact feel that our first IVF failed.

I'm really sad and I am really angry that I am in this position, spending what should be the best years of my life to share with a child just trying to make the damn child. I have had to work so hard for so many things in my life...at least once I hit my early 20s. I think, did I have it too easy as a kid? Did I take too much for granted, that now I am faced with having to struggle to get everything I want in life? I had to go online to find Hubby, not meeting him until just before I turned 31. After we sold his house because of our commute, we had to rent for three years until we had saved enough money, and our jobs felt stable enough to warrant investing in a new home. And now, we've been married three years already. It should be time to start thinking about when to try for our second, not about how we're going to save up enough money just to have one should our insurance run out. I spent a large part of my 20s unemployed, and managed to fight back from all of the debt that ensued, but it has left me constantly feeling like I am behind, and I will never catch up. I'm terrified that I'm so behind at having a family, that my eggs will just give up before I can manage to catch up, and then where will I be?

I'm sorry, well, not really. I needed to get that out. These are the things that are much easier to avoid than to acknowledge.

So, even though I'm feeling stressed about work and my house, I've had a headache for days (is there an influx of pollen lately or something), and I feel incredibly bitchy and I don't have any hormones to blame it on—I get to spend the afternoon with Lady C tomorrow, followed by a party and dinner with friends. And my family getaway is almost here. I am very much looking forward to all of those things.

Which had left me with quite the mix of emotions.

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A question, before I leave you all and go out for my evening walk...for any multiple IVFers out there, did you typically take a cycle off in between, or go right into the next cycle? We want to move forward as quickly as possible (although that's looking to potentially crash right into my big deadline at the beginning of August) if we can, which means we need to be protecting right now if we'll be starting Lupron on CD21. I've called the nurse twice to ask, and she doesn't give me a straight answer as to whether they advise it or not. (we never actually speak, just an endless game of phone tag). She seems to be stuck on whether or not she can turn around the paperwork for insurance approval fast enough. And all I really want her to tell me is whether or not I should have sex with my husband!

Anyway, just wondering what you're experiences are with consecutive back-to-back (or not) cycles.