Catching My Breath (200th Post)

Well, my 200th post completely snuck up on me. I wish I had something more profound and enlightening to share with you all. The truth is, I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed these days. I have definitely been enjoying all of my little Christmas rituals. But it is hard not to feel a little bit lonely at times. Hubby is still crazy busy at work though this Thursday, and then finally some relief—but then I'm off to Buffalo for a few days next week. So, I've mostly been on my own with the cards, and the cookies. (Although we did get in an extremely successful trip to the mall together on Saturday night)

You all know what it's like. Christmas is about family. And we're just a family of two. I long for the day when my cookies won't be perfect because Violetta will be helping me to slather on the icing. I long to be stashing her gifts in the eaves of the attic, sneaking them out after she goes to bed to wrap and stack them under our beautiful tree. Or, taking her to the store to pick out a special gift for her dad.

I am enjoying the magic, really, I am, but I have to take the time to let myself feel the void that exists as well. I put so much time and effort into creating a beautiful Christmas in my home, and then I feel like I have no one to share it with. We usually travel for Christmas to see my mom so she never actually sees my house. I think this is the reason why I always insist on having a party in December...so that I can share all of my hard work with someone. The thing is, the party planning often stresses me out so much that I don't end up enjoying the actual party all that much, although everyone else seems to.

This year, we had decided to do New Year's Eve in stead of mid-December because of our work schedules. We were trying to finalize the party details last night, and were both feeling tired and worn out, and not really that in to the idea of a party, but we'd already sent out a save the date. And then I started to get upset that if we didn't do it, no body else would see my kick ass decorating. Is this an insane reason to need to have a party? So, um, yeah, we're having a party. And you ladies need to talk me down on the 30th when I am freaking out about needing to make one more appetizer, ok?

And I just don't feel well. I've had a sinus headache since Friday (well, I've really had one on and off all fall to be honest) that is now starting to move into my chest with a bit of a cough and a scratchy throat. I just have too much to do at work to not be on the top of my game right now. I had to tell my coworker that I wouldn't come in a hour earlier than normal to meet with her because I really need to get a good night's sleep. So, I'm going to meet with her tomorrow night at 6, while our office party is blazing down stairs. I don't mind so much. I don't really love the office party.

So, with the regular holiday stress on top of a cold, it's no wonder I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed right now. And, I have to say it. There has been an amazing baby boom in blog land this past week, and I'm am thrilled for all the new moms out there. But again, I can't help but feel the void that exists in my family. It is impossible not to be jealous when so many are getting the happy ending that I so desperately want. I do firmly believe it is possible to be ecstatically excited for and insanely jealous of these new moms all at the same time.

Lastly. there was one more bit of news that brought tears to my eyes today. My best friend is mom to a spunky three-year old whom she adopted 2.5 years ago from Korea. Before I knew about this world, I knew that she wrote a blog about her experience, and had made a lot of great friends with similar stories. Her situation is a bit different because she never actually tried to get pregnant, based on earlier health struggles in her life. She went straight to adoption. But, she still understands the world in which we iffers live.

Today, she emailed to ask if I would again write her a reference letter as she begins her journey to adopt a second child. She said she was nervous to ask me, knowing what I've been going through. She didn't want to upset me. I wrote her back and told her that of course I would write the letter (though I so hope that I never have to ask her to return the favor), but that I did in fact have tears in my eyes. Again, it's two-sided tears. Tears of joy and excitement for her family that they will continue to grow, and tears of fear and sadness for myself that I will never experience the joy I see that she gets from her son.

Anyway, I'm not really sure where I'm going with all of this. I guess, it's just what I said. I'm taking a few minutes to catch my breath and process some emotions that have been stirring over the past few days. Hopefully, with a good night's sleep, and maybe some cold medicine, which I do not have a reason to deprive myself of, I will be feeling a bit better, and can get back to gathering some more magical moments to share.