Somebody Pulled the Plug on My Magic

Yes, that's right, when I returned home last night from Buffalo an hour later than I was supposed to, not due to snow, but due to a pilot who was late getting in from NYC), I noticed that half the bottom branches on my brand new pre-lit tree were not lit up! And of course, I chose not to pay $30 for the protection plan (if a light goes out..., yeah, whatever, if a light goes out, I think I can fix that for less than $30! The tree only cost $140!) I was not anticipating an entire length of string going out. We tested another area, and when you pull one bulb, the whole string does not go out, so it's definitely something wrong with the wiring in general. We are blaming it on the cats, who showed too much interest in nibbling on the lower branches, mush more so than in previous years.

Even though we think the cats might have done something, we are planning to exchange the tree for a new one. (Don't hate me!) It was only up for 4 days! It seems somewhat ridiculous to have a malfunction that soon. The really irritating thing is finding the time to do this. Hubby probably has to work on Saturday, which is when I was planning on decorating the damn tree! Then, he promised to help a friend move something with his truck. Sunday, we have tickets to the Pats/Colts game, so the entire say will be taken up with that. Looks like it's Friday night. We don't even have all the original wrapping, just the box. It's a nightmare. 

And I don't want to keep a freaking broken tree. I bought a really nice tree that is suppose to be our tree for the next ten years, for goodness sakes. 

And yes ladies, this entire situation sent me into a complete meltdown last night. 

I'm talking sputtering, choking, gasping, hysterical tears, unable to speak or breath for a good solid ten minutes. 

This all happened in the bathroom. Hubby finally came down to check on me, and said "Is this all about the tree? You're breaking my heart sweetie..."

So of course, I choked, that no it's not all about the damn tree. It's about the fact that I have to face yet another fucking christmas with no baby in sight. I really want to do christmas up big and really enjoy it without the stress of a cycle because I want something to be beautiful and go well. I feel like life is spinning so fast, I can't ever get ahead. Hubby has been working non-stop. I had just gotten home from two nights away, and I miss him. And he's booked almost all of Saturday without me. Not to mention that we have friends who have tickets the Pats as well. Hubby arranged for us to ride down together so we could tailgate, and even suggested we ticket swap for part of the game so we can catch up with them. I don't really want to catch up with them. My whole life feels like it's about tying to have a baby, and I don't really have anything I feel like talking about with anyone else, and I miss my damn husband, so I don't really want to share our football day with another couple. And, work is stressing me out. I'm taking on tasks I've never done before, and every time I express concern that I'm unsure of what I am doing to my teammates, they don't really seem to hear me, but yet I'm the one up in front of the client talking about this particular aspect of the project. And I don't really care, I don't care that I'm getting face time with the client, and taking on new responsibilities, I just want to be home with a baby in a pretty house that my fucking cats don't keep messing up on me. I really can't take cleaning up after them for much longer. We will be looking into cleaning service after the holidays. 

So, yeah, it wasn't really all about the tree. 

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Ok, now that I got that off my chest, we can return to our regularly scheduled programming. 

I had my endometrial biopsy today. I was pretty uneventful, and I'm relieved, because I know others have not had the same luck. (Thinking of you, Lauren). The worst part today was actually the speculum. I have not been having good luck with those lately. There was cramping, but it was gone as soon as she was done. 

I got the results of our karotyping. As my friend Jen likes to say, it confirmed that I am in fact a girl, and hubby is in fact a boy. We also discussed moving on to the next cycle. The nurses are moving forward with insurance approval. I told Dr. Stats a few of the things Dr. Anatomy said, specifically in regards to PIO (which she calls Intramuscular Prog), vs. Crinone. Dr. Anatomy recommended PIO due to my two chemicals. Here's Dr. Stats take. Her hospital has done a study with over 400 participants and found no difference in outcome between Crinone and PIO. But she agrees that this is an art, not just a science, and some doctors have a "feeling" that PIO will make a difference. She is leaving it up to me, if it makes me feel like I am doing more, maybe it has a placebo effect. She's all for it. The nurse said it's not that bad. She apparently did it for 10 weeks! So now I know that both Dr. Stats and Nurse N are both iffers. Like I've said before, it's sort of peace of mind, pain of ass. 

So ladies, if given the choice, on your third IVF with one natural chemical and one IVF chemical, what would you do?

And lastly, I even though I'm pissed off about dealing with my tree that was supposed to be the grand kick-off into my magical Christmas season, I did manage to embrace the wonderful smell of fresh cut trees for a few minutes this afternoon when I stopped at a local store to grab my lunch. It is a pretty magical smell indeed.