Decompressing

Hubby and I made it back to Boston yesterday after what was really mostly a lovely Christmas. I focused my attentions on Lady C and just tried to block out everything else that was going on around me. She really is tons of fun. I'm lucky enough to get two more visits this week, as Little Bro and family are now in Boston as well, visiting SIL's dad. We're invited there tonight for a cocktail party, and they will be stopping by our house for a visit tomorrow afternoon. I do need to prepare myself for potential baby talk at the cocktail party tonight. I think I can handle it.

What I couldn't handle was the prodding of my mom that I mentioned in my last post. The next morning, she was doing it again. She and I were alone in the living room, and she said, with much sadness in her voice..."I'm worried about your brother." OK, I guess I have to respond, so I say "Why?" She again brought up the fact that they are having trouble finding an OB in the UK. I guess it's mostly midwives over there? I'm not sure why this is an issue since I'm pretty sure Lady C was delivered by a midwife. But whatever. They are also having nanny troubles. They moved to the country this fall. There nanny stayed on at first, but the commuting is getting to be too much and she is leaving soon. They struggled to find a new nanny. The replacement is a professional nanny and will not to all the housekeeping that their current nanny has taken on. Oh, and my brother is bored at his job and maybe ready to move on, but his job is too lucrative to consider leaving at the moment, especially when they are the ones who moved him to England, and there is a baby coming in 6 months.

I didn't really engage this conversation with my mom. I mostly nodded, uh-huhed, and stared at my computer screen where I was working on a playlist for our New Year's Eve party. The one thing I did say was "Yup, life is hard for everyone."

I mean seriously, he's the one who chose to move to the UK. He's the one who chose to have a second child while he was there. And yes, I'm pissed at him for deciding to live so far away with his family, so I can hardly find it in me to feel sorry for him that those choices are now causing stress in his life.

And, excuse me...your nanny situation is stressing you out? You can fucking afford to pay for a nanny in the first place. Not going to get my pity there either. It is true that they need some type of childcare, even if they could afford for SIL not to work, because she has a book deal, and the book needs to get finished on a deadline. Well then, look at day care like the rest of us. I don't know what to tell you.

As for the job, really? He's in finance making a ton of money I am sure. Suffer through a boring job for a few years. What's the big deal? I've been far less than inspired at many jobs that have not been paying me enough to afford luxuries like buying a new kindle 4 times in 1 year because I'm careless enough to keep breaking it!

Whew! I don't think I knew I had quite so much pent up sibling rivalry in there.

The truth is, Little Bro and I are close, and I know that I'm lucky that we are. We would do anything to help each other. He's even hinted to my mom that he could help me out financially to create our family should we need that. He really is a good brother. But, I guess that I'm jealous of certain things that have gone easily in his life. This is apparently one of the things that is stressing him out...that everyone thinks his life is easy, when he feels that it is not. But when I compare certain things, like the fact that he met SIL when they were 14 (they did have a 5 year break-up in their 20s) which allowed him to get married early enough to start ttc before time and age were against them. I don't know, I guess I'm harboring a lot of jealousy.

Another thing that got to me a bit over the holiday, is that our traditions are changing, and because I don't have a child, I am a long for the ride. I don't get input into what my holiday is going to be, unless I refuse to travel, and decide to stay home, and therefore miss out on the one or two times a year I get to see my niece. For the past three years, we have not seen my dad. We used to to Christmas Eve there. And as resentful as I was of the guest list in attendance on that evening, I do love a good party, with an abundance of appetizers, cookies, music. Now, we do both Christmas Eve and Christmas Day with my mom, and they don't really feel very different from each other. Little Bro has demanded that my mom not put out fun snacks and appetizers, not only because he's trying to be healthier, but apparently because he doesn't want Lady C being exposed to food all throughout the day. It's amazing, but this little element really makes a difference in creating a festive and special setting. I could take it upon myself to make a few things and just put them out because I want them, but Little Bro has also taken over the cooking for both nights, and there is literally no room in the kitchen or oven for anything else to be happening. His meals are awesome, and we really enjoy them, but there's not much opportunity for me to participate in the day. So, I make my cookies a week in advance at home, and set them out on the counter, and that's about it.

So, yeah, Christmas felt a little weird this year. It didn't really feel like my Christmas. It felt like I was a guest at someone else's holiday. I never thought I would feel this way, but I am beginning to understand a bit why people get so territorial about staying at home/hosting the holiday. I guess this weird feeling about Christmas mixed with other sibling rivalry issues has led to a bit of pent up angst.

Which is why I need to decompress!

Well, now I've got a few days to get my house ready for my holiday celebration on New Year's Eve. I've got a lot of cleaning to do. I suppose I should get started!