It can. It does. I will.

This is my mantra.

It can work. It does work. I will be a mother.

It can work. Of course it can. Why else would doctors recommend it? Why would (some) insurance cover it?

It does work. Even on the third try. I've seen it. For many of you. You are proof.

I will be a mother. Whether now, or sometime in the future, through some other means. The question is only when and how, not if. (But...soon, pretty please?!)

I have been repeating these words to myself over and over again since the day before my retrieval, largely inspired by my dear friend, and proof that it can, and does, the blogger formerly known as M from A Miracle 4 Us. (Thanks M!) Every time I start to freak out, every time my breath becomes frequent and shallow. I focus on taking deep breaths and trying to stay calm.

One week from today I go for beta. The day before, on Supe.r Bowl Sunday, I will test at home. This is because I have to fly to Buffalo on Monday night and I need some time with Hubby to process the news. I'm hoping it's a good day. I mean seriously, as a girl from upstate NY who decided to make New England her home, the Pats and the Giants playing has to be lucky, right?! Now, of course, I know from last time, that testing at home isn't a guaranteed answer, but it's still much better than getting a blind call at work and then getting on an airplane to be gone away from my Hubby for one to two nights! Doesn't the timing just always work out so perfectly?

I been doing a fairly decent job of distracting myself. I went back to work on Friday, and had a pretty slow day. Hubby and I had a very productive weekend, running errands, getting the house picked up, having dinner with friends, watching the US National Figure Skating Championships (I haven't finished yet, don't tell me who won!). It was the first weekend that has felt like normal since before the holidays, and probably even longer. It was great!

Today, I will admit to visiting Dr. Google a few times with some random things. Probably because I don't have an intense deadline at work right now. It's to easy to get distracted. At home, with Hubby, and house projects, etc. It's much easier.

It's 5dp3dt...so, what are the symptoms that are tempting me to visit the good doctor? I'll ramble them out for the sake of documentation, but not because the mean a damn thing, that's for sure! Boobs hurt (there's a surprise), an occasional twinge, but nothing really crampy like what I felt last time around should be implantation time (wait, is that a cramp or is that just gas?), ovaries (or that area) were achy this afternoon, lower back is starting to ache. I am. so. tired. I am falling asleep on the couch every night, dead tired. I am peeing all the time. Today, when ever I cough, I feel like I'm going to leak. And since I'm still dealing with post nasal drip, I am still coughing all the time. Although, today, I think I'm feeling that congested, but not necessarily flemmy, swollen hard to breathe feeling (is that progesterone too, or is that actually a good thing?) but it's hard to tell the difference with the damn cold that is lingering. Although I'm dead tired in the evening, when I wake up to pee multiple times a night, I have a hard time falling back to sleep. I am super hungry, and them keep eating too much, and end up feeling bloated and gross. And today, there was the teeny tiniest drop of what looked like ewcm on the tissue. Because, of course, you know there is thorough analysis going on to look for implantation bleeding. Oh, and the heat! I am like a freaking oven. It's unbelievable how warm I am, especially at night. Only a few nights of actually sweating though. And if for some reason, my body doesn't feel warm, my eyes always do. Whew! I think that's about it. I think I might hyperventilate.

Breathe.

It can. It does. I will.

Repeat.