Frazzled & Fried

This is how I feel every evening when I go into Luigi's room after dinner to make some progress on one of the many various items that still exists on our to do list. At first, I thought that this was largely due to the heat in the room. We use window units for air conditioning and didn't bother to put one in this room this year. And, we've been keeping the door closed to keep the cats from running wild through the various piles of clothes, blankets, and other baby gear. It has been one freaking hot summer. Which has made the temperature in this room next to unbearable. I set foot in what I know will eventually become an amazing room, and my internal temperature rises drastically, which, at a certain point, triggers what I have nicknamed the "bitch switch." Once that switch is flipped, I can't function. I can't make a decision. I am completely overwhelmed with everything that is left to do in there, and how unbearable it is to be in that space. I'm irritaible. I'm snippy. How on earth will I ever get it done?

And as is my typical MO, when I get overwhelmed with one aspect of life, I begin to call into question my adequacy in every other area. Last night, it was being overly hard on myself because I have a few boxes of crap that have accumulated in our office/guest room in an attempt to keep other parts of the house clean. I feel like I am always surround by chaos, and I just would have hoped that I would have found away to get a handle on some of it before Luigi arrives in his own storm of chaos. Because again, how on earth will I ever dig out from the previous messes once he becomes the center of my world?

After a few nights of these freak outs where I got very short with poor hubby, and blaming it on the heat, I began to realize that there is a lot more going on emotionally and the heat is just the trigger.

I feel awful, because hubby is working so unbelievably hard to get everything done to keep me happy. The evening we got back from the vineyard, he hung one set of curtains, and built the changing table and the book shelf. Of course, part of my issue was not loving the way the curtains looked initially, and that the furniture layout wasn't coming together quite the way I'd imagined. We did manage to solve the curtain issue, and have some ideas on alternate furniture layouts, so I'm sure everything will come together eventually.

It's just that I can't bear to be in that room to make it happen!

I haven't completely identified the emotional issues that are part of the bitch switch trigger. I think I'm afraid of what life will be like once Luigi is here. I know everything is going to change. I know how much I wanted everything to change. And now that it's about 8 weeks away, I'm questioning everything. I do know that I don't want my last few weeks with hubby to be filled with stress and irritability and a never ending to do list. I want us to have some good quality time together as well. But I can't make him stop. And he thinks what I need most is just to get everything done, when what I really need is for him to cuddle with me on the couch for an hour each night, to put his hand on my belly and feel his son rolling around, to just slow down and breathe for a few minutes. I cannot keep up his pace. Nor do I want to. But yet, I want everything done. Though that is impossible, because there will always be more.

I am a bundle of contradiction.

I want to be happier about Luigi's arrival instead of stressed and freaked out. I did go back this morning to read my 100th post which helped to remind me that despite my feelings in an overheated and overwhelmed moment, I really am looking forward to motherhood, and in fact have been for a very long time. It helps to step out of the moment every once in awhile.

But I can't help but be concerned. I've been worried about my mood for awhile. I'm terrified of post-partum depression. I don't want to be a stressed, anxious, unhappy and never quite satisfied with life. I want to embrace it. I want to dance in the rain.

I know this post is getting long, and beginning to ramble, but there is one thing that has been on my mind for a week or so now that I just want to get out. My long time readers my remember that I have been estranged from my dad for nearly 3 years now. I took down all of those posts, or I would refer you there. But they just felt a little bit too exposed. The short story is that my parents split with I was 13. My dad remarried twice since then. My mom has always believed he suffers from depression, and as time goes by and we hear more from his family, it is becoming more and more clear that alcohol is a big part of the issues we have had. Not to mention that his third wife is a complete enabler. My aunt (dad's sister) came to the shower that my mom threw for me, and told my mom a bit about what has been going on of late. He is starting to shut our his own mother and siblings in the same way he's shut out so many people before, including myself and my brother. They believe that my step-mother has been instrumental in what's happening in an attempt to completely secure her inheritance and shut out the rest of the family. My grandmother did not make the trip out to my shower, which was a day trip, 3 hours in each direction, because my dad would not let her stay (his own mother mind you) because she was coming in to town for my shower. After the discussion of this event, he sent (although they suspect it was actually written by step-mom) an email telling his mother and siblings that he never wanted any of them to mention his children to him ever again. My mom said that from what my aunt said, it almost sounded like his family was planning an intervention of sorts. But with step-mom in the picture, I can't imagine they will get very far. Another interesting development is that step-mom's niece used to live with them. Her mother died when she was young, and in high school, she had a rough time with her dad, so moved in with mine. Apparently, neither she, nor her sister are talking to my dad and step-mom anymore.

Anyway, it's all so bizarre. And sad. It's validating in one sense, and reaffirming that I was not at fault. That my dad is a completely irrational person that can never be made happy. And if you are the person he blames for his unhappiness (chronic depression, how can that be anyone's fault?) he dumps you from his life. It's satisfying in a way that my relatives are seeing my step-mom for what she is, a controlling, relationship destroying gold digger.

But at the same time, it scares the shit out of me. When I feel unhappy, I worry that I am too much like my dad. Will I ever be satisfied? Will I always be too hard on myself? Though, I guess I tend to get down on myself, or the size of my house, as opposed to blaming others for my dissatisfaction. Will my darling Luigi struggle with depression? He has it coming to him from both sides. How can I teach him that it's really ok if life isn't perfect, if it's a work in progress and never quite finished, to embrace self-compassion, to dance in the rain...if I am not able to embrace these ideals myself?