Never Ending Mind Fuck

11dp3dt

I tested this morning. It was negative. It was a new brand for me. Answer. I'd picked up a box of 5 a few months ago at Resolve. This one is a strip as opposed to a stick, which is fine with me since I usually pee in a cup and dip anyway. Results take 5 minutes. (5 minutes? Wow, I got use to those rapid response results in one minute tests.) Don't read results after 15.

I got out of bed sometime around 6:30 this morning, after lying awake for about an hour telling myself to wait a little longer. Gathered my supplies, dipped the test and waited. There was no second line. Not even a hint of a second line. But interestingly, the rest of the strip wasn't stark white as I'm used to with the FRERs. The whole thing was stained light pink, there was just no second line. About 7 minutes in, I crawled back up to bed and snuggled up to Hubby, who was still asleep. No sense in waking him for bad news.

I felt numb. I got a little teary, but didn't really cry. And I haven't yet. Maybe after the beta makes it official tomorrow, it will become more of a reality.

Around 8:30, I'd had enough lazing about. I needed to get up and have my decaf. I left Hubby sleeping, and stopped in the bathroom on my way downstairs. I had left the test strip sitting on the edge of the tub. I looked at it again. The background was no longer pink. It was white. And there was a second line. Not as dark as the control, but a real, full fledged, I don't have to squint or tilt it in the light to see it. Probably about half as dark as the control line.

I know they say don't read the results after 15 minutes. I know there are evaporation lines. I know I'm being slightly delusional, but what if that line showed up after 12 minutes and not an hour?

WHAT THE FUCK?!

I am so sick of the mind fuck that is IVF. Pardon my french, but I figure, that since there is a severe lack of fucking in the actual process of trying to be me knocked up, I might as well have a little bit of it here.

So ladies, what do you think? Am I crazy? Is there hope? Beta is tomorrow, so I don't have to wait much longer. But seriously. I wish I had waited the full 15 minutes. I was just so devastated, I wanted to crawl back into bed and never get out. (Until I got stir crazy two hours later of course).

From what I've read online, you are absolutely not supposed to read a test after hour pass. But there is very little about what it might mean if that line showed up between 5 and 15 minutes. I supposed it is early, although average HCG on this cycle day is in the 40s. A few sources said it could mean there is HCG in my system (as there is at levels under 5 in all of us) that is lower than the test threshold (25). When it sits for a long time, the second line will show up with lower levels. So, in all honestly, best case, I'm probably looking at another chemical.

I'm devastated. I'm delusional. I'm still hoping for a miracle tomorrow. Because I apparently love a mind fuck.

Today is the Super Bowl. Our team is playing. Hubby has been so excited. This morning, when he got up and I told him about the negative, he was quiet, and then said he wasn't sure he wanted to go to the party we're supposed to attend. He wasn't even sure he wanted to watch the game, because he doesn't think he can handle watching something else with an outcome he has no control over. It broke my heart. Absolutely broke. my. heart.

I got weepy, and said I was sorry I ruined the game for him. I could have waited until tomorrow to test at home before Beta, but I wanted more than an hour at home to deal with the answer, instead of having to head right to work.

We headed back up to bed and slept a bit more, and managed to get ourselves up and about after lunch. I told Hubby I really didn't want him to miss the game. I am so sick of missing shit due to IF. This is the Super Bowl. This is redemption from the perfect season that was stolen 4 years ago. It's going to be agonizing to watch, but we can't miss out. We just can't.

Tom Brady, you better be on your game tonight. I can't take anymore mind fucks.