All right, let's do this...

By this, I mean talk about PAIL. I have read many posts and comments on this subject over the last week and have been trying to wrap my mind around the subject. It's taken me awhile to come even close to a cohesive thought, though I cannot guarantee that this post will flow in anyway. I debated whether or not I should even go here, but out of respect for the community in which I have been blogging, from whom I have received so much support, and for my readers who do not fall into the category which PAIL covers, I wanted to talk a bit about my motivations for joining.

First of all, yes, I joined. Yes, I am only nine weeks pregnant. Some may think this is way too early, that I am setting my self up for a huge, tragic disappointment. Trust me, after over a year in this world, I am well aware that being pregnant does not guarantee me anything. But you know what? I want to enjoy my pregnancy. I want to have a positive attitude. I want to feel like a normal person. I don't want to worry unless there is a reason to. And right now, there is no reason to.

I have suffered with and battled anxiety and depression for over ten years. I have been unmedicated for 3.5 years, and out of therapy for 6 months, and I can feel my anxiety mounting with this pregnancy. As my RE said to me on graduation day, after Hubby told her I had doubted we would see a heartbeat that day, I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop, which is a common pregnant infertile tendency. But, I owe it to myself to embrace this pregnancy, and to surround Violetta with optimism and a positive attitude. And so, at 8 weeks, I ordered two pairs of maternity jeans. I've signed up for What to Expect and Baby Center updates, and yes, I joined PAIL. Many of the bloggers I've been following over the past year have moved on to motherhood, and I am finding their posts to be invaluable in my own preparation for motherhood, just as following them through treatments was helpful when I was preparing for IVF.

Now, what does PAIL mean to me? Well, mostly, I see it as just another resource, a quick and easy way to meet more people who share something in common with me. Did I write to Mel and ask her to remove me from her blog roll? Of course not. Did I change the name of my blog so my friends who are still battling cannot find me? No. I've already said I would continue to blog here in the same space, with a slightly different subject matter with the complete understanding that some of you might have a hard time reading on occasion. I just don't understand this whole sentiment about members of PAIL separating themselves, or leaving the ALI community as a whole.

I think Mel is an amazing advocate and resource for the ALI community. I have promoted Stirrup Queens, and her book at nearly every Resolve meeting I have attended over the last year. I have the highest respect for the work that she does. But you know what, not everyone is comfortable sorting through a list of 3000 blogs to find the ones that are appealing to their situation. In all honesty, I've found very few blogs that way. It's kind of like shopping at TJ Maxx. I'm just not the king of person who has the patience to flip through an endless rack of clothes for hours to find the right one. Give me the blouse on the end cap please. It's just the way I am. So, I found a few there, but then mostly read comments, and clicked through to other bloggers who had left thoughtful comments. Or, I clicked through the lists of people who were nominated for all the silly awards we give out. I found many blogs from LFCA that were started around the time of mine. I used Cyclesista. And most recently, Miss Conception organically pulled together a list of ladies she had thought she would be cycling with this winter, and I added those to my list if I hadn't already stumbled upon them. I have found blogs through a wide variety of sources, so I honestly don't see why feels like such a threat to Mel's blog roll. As Chon said, when she addressed PAIL, Mel is awesome, but other people get to have ideas too. And so far, PAIL has enabled me to quickly and easily find three women who are due around the same time I am. I'm excited to get familiar with their stories.

As far as the motivation to create PAIL, of which I had no part in, I can definitely see why some women are seeking out a subset of the community. I have seen infertiles become outraged when pregnant infertiles dare to complain about who difficult it is to be pregnant. Same goes for parents. Well, you know what? Infertiliy is hard. Pregnancy is hard. Parenting is hard. Life is hard! Sometimes people need to vent and complain for the sake of their mental health, and most of the bloggers I know treat their blog as a form of therapy. The should feel free and able to complain about what ever it is that bothers them. I have also seen pregnant infertiles made fun of for joyfully changing the focus of their blog from IVF diary to pregnancy journal, with little to no focus on the fact that they came through infertility. That prompted me to write this post. I said there that not everyone is cut out to be an activist, nor do they want to be. And that's ok. They just want a place to write about what they need and feel and a way to connect to people who get them. As for myself, I feel like I have valuable information to share for those who come behind me in this journey, and so I plan to keep supporting those stories I've been following. But, I wouldn't be honest if I didn't admit that at the moment, I'm not seeking out many new blogs to add to my reader. It's quite full at the moment, and I'm really wanting to follow all the stories already there to the next chapter. I am also struggling with how much of the pain and struggle of others I can safely take on right now without slipping into an anxiety ridden state that will require me to be once again medicated. It's a definite balancing act.

Lastly, I found it incredible disheartening that in some of the comments on Mel's original post, people were criticising and comparing the length of struggle or amount of treatments that some people have to go to versus others. Any woman who has experienced a miscarriage, regardless of whether or not she actually needed treatment to finally have a her child, has been through a hell that no women should have to experience. Yes, it sucks that some people have to experience multiple losses and multiple treatments to achieve their dreams—I wouldn't wish multiple IVF cycles on anyone—but it does not lessen the pain created from that one miscarriage. I can't even put in to words how horrible those comments were, and that people had the nerve to go there. Do I envy those who got pregnant off of their first IUI? Do I wish I could have simply had sex with my husband to create my baby? Of course. But to criticize people because their struggle hasn't lasted as long as mine is simply ridiculous. That anyone should have to struggle at all is where the true tragedy lies.

And that seems like a fitting place to stop.