All I've Got

I don't seem to be very capable of forming a coherent post these days. All I seem to have are random thoughts that pop into my brain for a few fleeting moments. I almost feel like I need a Twitter account just so I have a place to stash all the randomness. Things like "is there anyone else out there who can't get enough lemon?" Or "hey, wait, do I actually not feel queasy at this moment? Do I actually feel hungry enough to wolf down an enormous hamburger and a huge pile of french fries from Wild Willy's?" And, "gosh darnit, these jeans are comfy, but man, do they fall down all the time!"

Work has gotten busy, and with various hours out for travel and appointments, I've been trying to make up time over lunch, which is often when I've written. Evenings, I'm still mostly exhausted, and want to be lying on the couch. I can still read blogs on my phone from this position, but trying to write a post that way is just a little tricky.

So, um, yeah, I feel a bit boring!

But anyway, I am twelve weeks tomorrow, and yesterday I really did start to feel the queasy subsiding. And I really did wolf down that burger. It was awesome, and I don't feel the least bit guilty about it because I am anemic and have been instructed to eat red meat. I'm trying to remember to take an extra iron supplement every night with dinner, but I haven't gotten super consistent about it yet. I need to take it with food, but breakfast is out because that's too close to my levoxyl, and I take my prenatal right before bed, so I can't take it then. I've got an alarm on my phone, which seems to help half of the time.

So, queasy gone (which I refuse to let make me paranoid, it's supposed to go away, right?!), but energy level is not increasing at all yet. I am not sleeping very well. I often am awake for a few hours after I get up to pee. I'm having a really hard time staying asleep on my side. I feel like a grumpy old woman, but I have had achy knees and bad shoulders for years. They had been doing a lot better, until our best friend progesterone kicked in. I usually start off on my left side in bed but end up sleeping best on my back. Of course, we all know this isn't the best way to sleep when pregnant. The problem that I am having is that for some reason, when I lie on my side, my knees hurt, but on my back, they don't. I think this has something to do with them being slightly bent when they really much prefer to be straight. If they have to be at less than a 90 degree angle, (like sitting in a low chair at a restaurant for a few hours, oh, forgetaboutit! The pain! It's ridiculous for a 36 yr 362 day old woman!) So, the knees make it hard to sleep on my left side, but are not as bad on the right, but my right shoulder can't take the pressure more more than about a half hour. Yes, it's true. I'm a mess!

Today, I was supposed to have a girl's day with my BFF, but her 3.5 yr old (adopted from Korea!) came down with hand, foot and mouth disease and she, Hubby and I all agree that I do not need to pick up any weird germs from her right now! Especially after the events of last week.

I think that's another thing that is still throwing me for a loop. Hubby is doing as well as to be expected with the emotional roller coaster he's been on all week. His dad met with specialists at Dana Farber (can't beat living in Boston for all that ails) and needs to have a bunch more imaging done before they come up with a treatment plan. The struggle is that the current amount of alcohol and nicotine he consumes on a daily basis is so high, it would interfere with any chemo. They have to see if they can get him to cut back. Hubby is skeptical is this is at all likely. So, there's that.

And then there is BIL's (J) lost baby. I saw him on Monday night, when I went with Hubby and J and my MIL to visit their grandpa. We went out to dinner first. J has been so closed about the entire pregnancy, that I felt I couldn't even express my condolences to him. He just isn't going to talk about it. I did just look at him and say "all right, I just have to give you a big hug..." which he accepted. I had to say something. It's just not right. And it's so weird. It's like he's handicapped the ability of the rest of us to grieve our lost niece/nephew and grandson because if he's not, how can we? And he never wanted me to tell my family about the baby, so now that the baby is gone, it's like a deep dark secret swept under the rug. When I was telling my mom about Hubby seeing his dad, it felt so wrong to leave out the important impetus for that whole event going down. It just doesn't feel right. I really want to respect Hubby and J, but it's really hard for me not to be able to talk to my mom about it, and what it does to my own stress and fears over my pregnancy.

The other thing that is driving me crazy about the situation is that K was alone when she lost the baby. She hasn't yet seemed to have shared with J the entire story. I had to ask Hubby to make sure J knew that this was a still birth, not a miscarriage. There was a baby that was delivered, and he has a right to know what happened to that baby. He has a right to have the option to grieve over those remains. I understand that K went through a horrible ordeal, but she didn't even tell J about it for 4 days! It was his baby too. The whole thing is just a mess. Hopefully she's going to tell him more this weekend. She said she couldn't talk about it on a work night.

Well, I got distracted for a minute there. What I was going to tell you when I mentioned my friend and my girls day, is that I decided I'm going shopping today anyway, even by myself. I'm going to head to DSW and look at shoes. I'm having a rough time with footwear since my new maternity jeans are SO long. Why the heck are they so long? Are my legs supposed to grow too? I cannot wear flats with them. I need to find some comfy, high, easy to slip on shoes so that I don't have to worry about buckles in a few months. Thank goodness platforms are back! I also might stop at Old Navy, who is having a huge sale on maternity right now, FYI (through next weekend, I think...) And...I may even brave a Babies' R Us to check out pillows to help me figure out this sleep thing.

Well, I warned you, there wasn't much cohesive about that!