Absorbing

We interrupt our regularly scheduled weekly update post to being you some more in depth thoughts as I try to process the events of yesterday. The weekly update will be up in a day or so when I can manage to get my picture done.

I am trying to absorb the events of yesterday, which are so much more complicated than dealing with a grieving brother-in-law and his girl friend. I feel for them so much, because from reading many of you, I have just a wee bit of an idea as to what they are going through. But it's also so strange, because they were still keeping it a secret. Even at 26 weeks. Only their parents, one grand parent (Hubby's 91 year old grandfather who they told to give him incentive to keep on going) and me and Hubby, aside from a few of their friends, knew that a baby was on the way. Our extended family in the area (all Hubby's, and extremely close knit) doesn't have a clue. I've only seen my BIL, J, a few times since learning of the news (which I wrote about in this post...and by the way, this seems to be a parenthesis filled post for some reason), and have only seen K once since then, before she was showing. She was having a really hard time with this being unexpected, not at all what she had planned for her travel filled lifestyle. She's also a very private person. She has learned of Violetta a few weeks ago, and I was so hoping that news might help her, knowing that she would have someone to relate to as she neared the end of her pregnancy. J & K still hadn't decided how they were handling their relationship, but he'd gone ahead and rented a house (right down the street from us, which Hubby is super excited about) in hopes that she would eventually decide to move in there with him. He's supposed to start moving in next month. I know J is grieving, and I'm sure K is traumatized because I'm sure she had to deliver. But what I am unsure of is if she is devastated or relieved. I feel so awful asking that question, but she had never come to terms with the fact that she was actually having a baby, and so it just might be, that after she recovers from the shock, she just might feel that way. It makes it hard to know how to help, when you want so much to form a relationship with someone, and are just now allowed to, so you have no idea how they are really feeling, and how you might be able to help them. I'm really at a loss. So, I sent them tulips. I just want them both to know that I'm thinking of them.

And that's just the beginning of the story.

Yesterday, Hubby and I woke up and were chatting in bed. I was browsing through my new Baby Bargains book that my brother and SIL sent me. We were joking about how unprepared J really is about his baby that was due to arrive in three months and how we should get him a copy of the book. We started to speculate as to whether we should coordinate infant car seat purchases so we'd have the same base, and my MIL could just buy one for her car and be able to take either baby somewhere. Hubby got all excited and started doing all sorts of online research, one of his favorite things to do. We had a bunch of errands to run, so I jumped in the shower to get ready for the day.

He knocked on the door and said, "J just called. He needs to to meet him for an hour, can you go out by yourself?" He tried to put it off, but J said, this is as big as ever. And as Hubby said, he's a circle the wagons kind of guy, so of he went. I headed to Hom.e Depo.t on my own. My mind was spinning with what could possibly be happening. I thought, she left and went back to Georgia while J was in Europe this week for work, she's giving him an ultimatum - marry me or I'm gone, and yes, the infertile mind of mine even thought that something might have happened to the baby.

I got a text from Hubby an hour or too later saying J was in a bad place, and he would be home by dinner. So, I went about my furniture painting project, and waited, trying to be patient, for Hubby to get home. Finally he called me when he was on the way, but said he would tell me everything when he got home.

He came up to Violetta's room where I was working, sighed, and sat down on a stool. I told him, he'd better get right to the point because he tends to be a long drawn out story teller and I couldn't take it right then after waiting and worrying all day. He said it was a long story. I said, start at the end. He said, "I'll start at the beginning. Kristine miscarried on Tuesday." Oh fuck. Seriously? What is up with that?! Why does this keep happening? I wish we had details. I want to know what happened and why they couldn't save the baby. I don't know if we will ever know. I hopefully J at least gets more details eventually. Since he was away for work, she waited until he got home to tell him. He got the news on Friday night.

Unfortunately, he also got some other major news on Friday night. This is where the story gets more complicated. Hubby has been estranged from his dad for 12 years. But J has still been in touch all this time. Their parents are still married, and Hubby is very close to his mom, which makes life interesting, because we can never go to her house, or see her on actual holidays. Let's see, where to dive in here with the back ground. I'll start with my MIL. She needs two new knees, and had wanted to do at least one of the surgeries before J's baby came, so she would be recovered and better able to help when the baby arrived. But then her husband started coughing up blood, and a mass was found in his throat. She put her surgery plans on hold. We offered that she could stay here during recovery because we weren't sure how well Hubby's dad would be able to help care for her, but she needs to care for his as well. You can see that with Hubby not able to go to the house, there is a lot of pressure on J, on top of his baby on the way, and moving to a new house to prepare. Well, on Friday, the biopsy results of the mass came in malignant. Hubby's dad needs either major surgery that involves temporarily removing his jaw, or 36 straight days of radiation. This is intense. As far as I know, there is not a prognosis yet until a treatment plan is selected.

So, when Hubby went to see J, and learned of the miscarriage, and saw his brother falling apart, he said he's do anything to help. J said "you have to reconcile with Dad because I can't do all of this by myself." So, they got in the car and headed right to their parents house. No one was home. MIL works retail and is gone most Saturdays. J knew his dad would be at the local bar (just a hint of the reason why Hubby hasn't spoken to him in all of these years, but we don't need to get into that now). They drove to the bar. With Hubby hiding in the car, J went in and told his dad he needed to come home right then.

Their dad walked in the living room and saw Hubby there. I won't go into all the details, but it was a little rough at first. J explained about the lost baby. Hubby told him about our baby and that he wants his dad to know one of his grandchildren, and that he was there to help with the cancer. I have to imagine that emotions were all over the place. J called their mom and told her she had to come home right then. She was so excited when she saw Hubby in her house for the first time in 12 years, until they told her about the baby. She's devastated. She apparently had a trunk filled with two of everything that she's been waiting for the right moment to start giving to her two grand children. When J & Hubby were finally leaving, she told Hubby to shake his dad's hand. His dad hugged him instead, and all four of them had a big group hug.

I couldn't believe when Hubby told me all of that, that it all happened in the 5 hours he had been gone. It was quite a bit to take it. He has very mixed emotions about seeing his dad, and I think he's still processing. He sort of feels that he's just coming back to help his mom watch his dad die. I can't imagine the prognosis is good. He's an alcoholic chain smoker who has been through cancer before and still drinks and smokes all day. It's really sad.

So yeah, that's how I went from browsing through car seats I could share with my BIL to thinking about supporting Hubby and his family through his dad's cancer, his mom's knee replacement, his brother's loss, let alone reinforcing the fear I have that something will go wrong with my pregnancy, all while I try to be happy and optimistic and surround Violetta with positive energy. Is it any wonder that my head is completely spinning right now? I'm just really not sure how to react, what to feel, what to do.

All I know is that I'm really glad that the Resolve meeting for pregnancy after infertility is tomorrow because I am more freaked out than ever at the moment. And the next few months are going to be a really bumpy ride.