Will it be real in a week and a half at the NT scan, when I get to see Violetta again, and hopefully hear her heartbeat for the first time? Will it be real at our 18 week anatomy scan when we find out if she really is a Violetta or a Luigi? Will it be real when I feel her move for the first time? Will it be real when her daddy gets to feel her kick? Will it be real when we get to hold her in our arms? Or will we have to wait until she walks across the stage in a cap and gown to finally accept that this is happening?
Right now, I am an existing in such a surreal state. I feel incredibly fatigued, although the extra iron (when I can remember to take it) is starting to help. I feel queasy all day long. I feel bloated and disgusting after I eat, and still haven't figured out how to eat smaller meals. Although I'm on top of the snacks. I'm breaking out on my back, forehead and neck. My nails are growing at lightening speeds. I'm craving weird things like sour patch kids. I get up every night to pee, sometimes more than once. I can smell everything, and it all smells bad! I have not one drop of spotting since implantation. And still, I spend almost every minute holding my breath, so scared that something is going to go wrong.
Especially after L's email yesterday. As much as I ache for her, I so did not need to hear that yesterday. It was my first day without crinone, and I managed to make myself so paranoid that I decided to take it every other day until 12 weeks since I still have some left. It seems like most people take it until 12 weeks anyway. I'm not sure why I got to stop at ten weeks without so much as a blood test.
I knew I would be worried. I knew this would be hard. But I just didn't realize how much. I so want to be excited. I'm trying to be with my weekly updates, and beginning to tell a few strategic friends and family. But I am really, really nervous. Of course, the queasy nervous feeling I have in my stomach all day doesn't help matters very much. It is also hard to be excited about the future when I just feel like crap all. the. time. Thankfully (although it would be more reassuring) I have not been vomiting.
My RE said it's very common in pregnant infertiles to spend our time waiting for the other shoe to drop. This seems to be a phrase I have come across countless times recently from others in my situation. She said I have to pick a date and just accept that if everything is going to be ok, it's time to be excited and go to babies r us. She threw out ten weeks. Well, yeah, not gonna happen. Not gonna happen until 12w1d when I finally get to see Violetta again and learn that all is looking good. I'm really hoping that I will be able to relax at that point.
I'm having some trouble reading some blogs lately. My long time stories, I have no problem sticking with. But newer stories, especially newly pregnant women who are having issues, are really freaking me out. I've never been a huge commenter, so maybe these people will not notice if I take a break for a bit. I might need to. I am an unmedicated, un-therapied, anxiety ridden, pregnant infertile after all. There is a group at the my local Resolve for pregnancy after infertility. It meets on Monday. I think I will be there. Hopefully that will help.
Disclaimer: Please know that as hard a time as I am having emotionally and rationally at the moment, I am incredibly grateful to have finally made it here. But pregnancy is hard, just as infertility, parenting and plain old life are hard. Any complaints I might make about being pregnant in no way, shape or form lessen the gratitude I feel to finally experience them.
I totally get it. You are not alone in your feelings. That Resolve group sounds like a great idea.
ReplyDeleteI might have said this to you before, but if I did then I'll say it again. Just go with it. Don't try to force yourself to accept anything, to be happy, to be excited...it comes naturally...with time. I don't know where it happened but somewhere along the way I quit worrying that the heart had stopped. Somewhere I decided it was ok to start talking about names and somewhere I just plain relaxed. I still get nervous for every midwife appt and was terrified the day of my 18 week ultrasound, but it's just the days leading up to appts, the rest of the time I'm pretty much ok.
ReplyDeleteDo whatever you need to do to get through the days because it WILL get easier at some point.
Good luck with your 12 week ultrasound!
I totally hear you. All the way. I am 20 weeks, and while I feel more relaxed than I did the first 12 weeks, I'm still anxious about EVERYTHING. And everyone tells me not to be anxious, to just enjoy it because it will go by so fast, etc., but they do not understand. I do think it will get a little easier for you after 12 weeks. For me, it's gotten a little easier after every milestone, so I hope it is the same for you.
ReplyDeleteI would definitely say to stop reading those blogs. Try to avoid reading or talking to anyone/anything that makes you nervous. Stay off Dr. Google at all costs. Anything at all that's an anxiety trigger for you, try to avoid. If you don't already, make sure you have a good dr. that you feel comfortable calling with any little concern. I do not have this and it has made the pregnancy harder for me (I'm finally switching now, though). Do little things, like buying maternity pants (which you've already done) or researching baby products (get the Baby Bargains book). These things are a good distraction and will help you feel more positive about everything. This is what has worked for me. Hopefully some of these things will help you. And like the poster said above, try not to force yourself to feel a certain way.
Hugs!
I'm right there with you also. I'm 20 weeks now and it only started feeling real when I felt movement. I still worry that something will go wrong. I'm with the above poster though, each milestone does make it a bit easier. Hoping you have a wonderful ultrasound.
ReplyDeleteYou are growing a baby, pregnancy isn't easy on a body so feel free to complain when you need to. At least you know I'll understand.
ReplyDeleteRight there with ya hun. I think from the day I found out until about 15 weeks I avoided blogging except to check on just a few peeps. I had horrible anxiety and concern and really, the 13 week NT scan helped me out a lot. With the MD saying the babe looks great, I decided I just had to trust it. Yes from time to time I stop dead in my tracks and get concerned about the 'what ifs' but I try to not think too much. I just rub the belly and say a prayer.
ReplyDeleteMy worry now is being 17 weeks and not having felt the babe move bc so many have felt there's already. Uggg. it is always something. i do hope you can find some reprieve from the anxiety. It is hard though. hugs
I am 20 weeks and haven't felt my babe move, so don't worry!
DeleteI didnt really feel movement until 21-22 weeks which my OB said would probably be the case because I have an anterior placenta. And then it took a few more weeks before the movements felt strong.
DeleteI am so happy that Violetta or Luigi is on the way and I completely understand what you are feeling. I'm a week and a half away from my due date, but after having multiple miscarriages, I still have a hard time believing it is real. I don't think it will sink in until the baby has arrived and is safe in my arms. I think you need to do what is most comfortable for you. As each appointment passed, I remained cautiously optimistic and that is how I've been this entire pregnancy. We actually decided not to have a shower, but will have a meet the baby party a month or so after his/her birth instead. We purchased the absolute essentials we will need for the baby for the first few weeks and only recently started registries. I don't think the worry ever truly goes away after going through the infertility battlefield first. Enjoy every moment you can, but know that what you are feeling is completely normal and understandable.
ReplyDeleteI completely understand how you are feeling. I was also nervous in the beginning and didn't want to tell a lot of people for fear that something would go wrong. I think it didn't become "real" to me until I could consistently feel movement
ReplyDeleteWhen that happens I'll let you know! I almost have a 3m old and some days I fear I'll wake up from this dream. I support your choice to transition off the crinone. I think it's better hormonally and psychologically to taper off.
ReplyDeleteGood luck at your 12w appt! I loved that ultrasound as it was pretty long snd we got to see the baby moving around so much!
You are NOT alone. I am with Christina. Raegan is 3 months old and sometimes it still doesn't feel real. I was having horrible nightmares after reading other people's blogs when they had complications. I had to stop reading some for a while too. IF does insane things to us so when we finally get our real BFP'S we can't enjoy them.
ReplyDeleteSending hugs and love. Keeping you in my thought and prayers for a happy healthy full term pregnancy!
Sorry honey. Boy I remember that feeling. Not sure when to let go and enjoy it, not sure when I will really feel like it was real. I don't have many answers for you.
ReplyDeleteI think you just have to keep doing what you are doing. Writing letters to your baby and taking pictures. I know that if I get pregnant again, I will still do those things, as scary as it will be because I want those memories no matter what happens.
Keep busy, write what you are feeling to get it out of your head and it will be 12 weeks before you know it. Then 16 weeks...
Hope today is better.
I am watching hubby feed our new arrival and it STILL ISN'T REAL! And yes I am still waiting for the other shoe/shoes/boot/hammer to drop
ReplyDeleteBUT . . .do yourself, your heart, your husband, and your baby a big favor and get out there and have some fun :) go to babies r us and park in the expectant mom spots- buy a cute outfit- plan something exciting, schedule it if you have to :) it is just so easy to let infertility still have a huge grip on our happiness