In this land of IF, we so unwillingly occupy, we all "get it." We understand the range of emotions and reactions we each might have to a situation, especially a pregnancy announcement, in a way regular old fertiles never could. As comforting as it is to have a community of people out there who "get it," it is always devastating to witness another enter our ranks.
I received an email from one of my best high school friends (not one of the three I just saw) today. I had actually commented to them that I hadn't heard from L in a while and I needed to check in. I had planned to wait a few more weeks until I was comfortable coming out with my news. She's one of the people who has been most informed about my struggle with IF, although I hadn't mentioned our third cycle to her yet.
She began her email by apologizing to me for possibly not saying the right thing, or giving me the right support throughout my journey. She was realizing just how easy it is to say the wrong thing. You see, she had to have a D&C yesterday for a baby due in September who had stopped growing. Her happy, naive baby making attitude has been forever crushed. She got pregnant with her first on the first try. Her second took a few months longer than she had anticipated, but was still fairly quick in the grand scheme. I don't know if she was trying for this third or not. All I know is that the baby is gone.
That her first thought in her email to me was of how she had been as a friend to me throughout my journey...well, I just don't have the words. At the end of the email, she apologized again, saying that before this happened to her, at the very least, she didn't "get it." She does now. I wish she didn't
I immediately wrote her back. I'm not sure I did the right thing. I told her she was amazing for thinking of me first, and that she had been an amazing friend. I told her I was so sorry to hear of her angel baby. And then I told her that I hadn't planned to tell her just yet, but I didn't want her to worry about me any more while she was grieving. I told her that I'm ten weeks. I told her that I understand if she can't be excited for me. I just don't want her to worry about my struggle while she is suffering. Did I do the right thing? I had to write her back right away, and I felt if in a few weeks, I called to tell her I was 14 weeks, she would have felt hurt that I didn't tell her now, that I let her think I was still suffering too. What's done is done. I just hope it wasn't awful of me. What do you all think?
God, I wish we all didn't have to "get it."
I wrote a post about this a year or so ago. Whilst I didn't have to tell my friend I was pregnant when she had her m/c she said a similar thing to me that she sort of now could understand my pain.
ReplyDeleteFor me I compared it to travelling down a highway and even though I hated being on that highway by myself when the same sadness happened to someone I cared about I realised I much preferred travelling solo than having anyone I loved being on the journey with me.
She get's it. She understands. It's a hell of way to finally get it but she will be happy for you .
It's hard to "get" any of this stuff, without experiencing it. There are both painful and beautiful examples of this. While your friend is living the painful one, you are living the beautiful one, if that makes sense. People explained, "you can feel the baby kicking" but until I experienced it, I had no real idea of what it felt like to have a living thing actually growing inside of me. I have a friend who just gave birth and had a hard time, is using a walker. She didn't want me to know, for fear of freaking me out. It doesn't matter what I know intellectually. I will EXPERIENCE my own birth story.
ReplyDeleteI think you did the right thing. As hard as it may be for her to read those words in the moment, she will be happy for you. Happy to know you're no longer in the place she is just now beginning to understand. And glad that you were brave enough to be honest with her. I know for me, I always appreciated honesty when it came to my infertility- even when it stung a little.
ReplyDeleteI think you did the right thing. I do believe she has had a glimpse into what you have gone through, but nothing near what you have experienced and she is going to be beyond happy for you despite her sad news. I do believe if you call her in a few weeks to tell her the first time, she would be more upset that 1. she 'ruined' you telling her earlier (we all know that feeling of ruining stuff) or 2. that you just didn't tell her. Hugs.
ReplyDeleteI think you did the right thing. I appreciate others honesty and not tiptoeing around me during IF, so I'm glad you chose the honest direct route.
ReplyDeleteIf telling her felt like the right thing then don't second think what you already did. Its best to let them know and not have to worry about you too. Give your friend my condolences on the loss of her baby.
ReplyDeleteI think you did the right thing. I know I hate when people tiptoe around me. And doing it be e-mail is probably even better than over the phone. She doesn't have to instantly respond. She can do what she needs to and get back to you when she wants.
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