Decision Made

Sometimes it's nice when a decision gets made for you.

I've been fretting over the last few days while playing phone tag with the nurse, trying to determine if we can start our next cycle in the cycle that we're currently in. Looking ahead at the calendar, however, slates retrieval for the exact day of my big deadline in August—if everything were to take the exact same number of days as the first cycle.

I started to wonder if the stress of a deadline at the same time as the stress of IVF was a good idea. Classic problem for an anxiety ridden person. Worrying about things you don't have the answer to yet. I was way ahead of myself, thinking I was finally going to have to come clean to my project manager if we did decide to go ahead. Worrying that it wouldn't be fair to her, (she's probably the most over worked person in the office) to have a moving target of missed days right at deadline time.

Then I got two messages from the nurse.

First message: Dr. A wants to ICSI this time, so even though we were initially approved for two cycles, they still have to clear it with insurance again. Woo hoo for ICSI! I was hoping we would get to do that this time.

Second message: The collective review board at the hospital decided to change my protocol from Lupron to the Antagonist Protocol, meaning BCPs, which start on Day 2.

Decision made.

Can't start this cycle. Have to wait. I wish we didn't have to wait, but in some ways, I am incredibly relieved. There are just certain times when you know life is going to be stressful, so why add more to it, if it can be helped (unless you're desperate to have a baby of course).

We can actually try this month! It's CD12 so it's getting to be about the right time. Of course, we'll be with family for the next 4 nights, so we'll see how it goes.

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Other random thoughts on a Friday evening...

The pregnant woman had high blood pressure, and is on bed rest, so she couldn't make it out last night. I know (from reading all of you) how horrible that can be...but I still couldn't help being a bit relieved. 

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I had 1.25 margaritas last night. That's all I could handle and still get myself home safely. I had a splitting headache for most of the night, but still managed to have a great time. Isn't it annoying though, what ttc can do to one's tolerance for alcohol. When I can have it, it's all I want, but then once I get it, it just makes me feel like crap these days.

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I had an awesome time with my niece yesterday. Totally worth taking the afternoon off. We went to the playground, danced to James Brown, made silly noises by rubbing our fingers against our mouths, and I got a bunch of big, open-mouthed kisses. SIL says Lady C really likes me, and that she doesn't really just go other people. (I hope she's not just saying that!)

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Despite the fact that I worry too much about everything, stress out too much about my job, and feel sad a lot because we have yet to expand our family, I realized yesterday just how good my life really is. I was heading to a party in the Fort Point Channel area of Boston, from Medford where my niece is staying, on 93 South...at rush hour...on day before most of the world was taking Friday off to make it a four day weekend. It took me about 45 minutes to go 2.2 miles. A few years ago before Hubby and I decided to sell the house he owned when we met before we went underwater, we lived way up 93. Traffic like that was part of my daily commute. It took about an hour and a half each way, either driving, or some combination of car, commuter rail, two subways and a walk or a bus. We  took a big risk back then, selling without being able to buy back in. We had to rent for three years, but during that time, we could both walk to work (if I really wanted a 2 mile walk...) Now that we own, we're across town, but still with less than a 20 min drive each...no highways in sight.

Being stuck in that traffic, I was reminded at what a huge improvement that move had on my quality of life. I'm glad Hubby was wise enough to realize that it was then or never. And I'm really glad I don't have to commute in crazy rush hour highway traffic. Let me tell you, it makes me willing to put up with quite a bit at my job in order to maintain my ideal commute.

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Lastly, there have been many posts lately on the topic of reading and writing blogs after BFPs. I have some thoughts to share on the topic, but since this post as gotten so long, I think I'll save it for another time.

Happy 4th of July Weekend to everyone in the States! (happy weekend in general to everyone else!)