Wave of Light

I have just learned that it is Pregnancy & Infant Loss Remembrance Day. In observance of this day, they are inviting all of us to light a candle at 7:00 pm in your own time zone, and keep it burning for one hour, to create a continuous wave of light traveling around the globe.

So tonight, I will light a candle for my first chemical baby, who would have turned one this week, and for my second who still waits to bleed from my body, and for Michael and Alena S, the dear twins of Miss Conception, who left this world this week, and for Gavin, the son of Jen who should have been joining us this month instead of leaving us this past summer, and for Mr. Thompson and Me's son Colton, and for Amanda's babies, and Chon who created her own beautiful tribute to her losses just this week, and for my friend from Resolve who is currently suffering through her fifth loss, and for so many others of you...tonight I will light a candle.

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I am in a weird place right now. The tears haven't really come since I had to swallow them on Thursday afternoon to get through the fashion show. I made it through the show, and actually managed to enjoy myself for a few minutes, after I got over the nerves for our entry. I was so nervous, I was visibly shaking as my team left the runway. The amazing thing was, we actually won the award for Most Original! It's an odd moment for me. I have poured my heart and soul into this event for six years before this and have never managed to win one of the awards. This year, I was extremely detached from the whole thing. I never really bought in to our idea. And we win something. But then I realized, that just because I wasn't as creatively responsible, doesn't mean I wasn't on my hands and knees cutting through plastic with a cheap pair of scissors, weaving together paint brushes to make necklaces, driving nails through paint can lids to make a hat, and sending countless email and meeting invitations to rally the team to actually show up to get the work done. I am a project manager, whether or not I ever wanted to be, and the team looks to me for organization. And our lovely crystal trophy is just as much mine, as anyone's. I will tell you more about the show later. I have lots of picture to share, but it just doesn't feel like the right time.

I was able to stay home yesterday, as I often do the day after the show. I didn't sleep well at all, after getting home too late, and actually consuming caffeine and alcohol for the first time in months! I got up around 7 in the morning, and moved to the couch so I could begin my General Hospital marathon. Aside from lunch with Hubby, who came home to eat with me, and an hour nap, I watched until 6pm. Oh, and I also booked a massage for this afternoon, a haircut for Wednesday, and a second opinion consultation with the doctor who doesn't believe infertility is unexplained. But, it was pretty numb day. I just plopped on the couch and escaped into Port Charles, NY. (By the way, if anyone watches the show, I'm from upstate NY. It is not physically possible for a city to be driving distance to Canada as an escape route, and close enough to NYC to head there for dinner on occasion and to be able to make the round trip to either in one evening. Just not possible. Albany is 4 hours from Canada and 2.5 from NYC. I have spent years trying to figure out just where they think Port Charles is on the map of NY. End random tangent.) But, it was good to be still, and not have to try to talk to anyone, and to not have to try to fight back the tears if there were to decide to come.

I do realize that there is still a lot of grief and rage I need to get out of my body some how. Hubby and I were trying to figure out how to get me the new iPhone last night and I was yelling and screaming about how ridiculous it is that they refuse to ship the phone to any address other than the billing address. Who the fuck is actually at their billing address during the day to sign for packages? We send most things to our offices. But, it just wasn't possible. And trust me when I tell you that nobody wants me waiting in a mob line at the apple store for hours right about now. I might explode. We actually did drive to the store to check it out. Not going to happen. But, I was definitely over reacting a bit to the situation. I do recognize that. Anyway, we decided to order the phone, and let them try to deliver it, and then I can either work from home the next day, or go pick it up at the shipping place when they finally give up trying to deliver it to people who are never home during the day!!

So, today, I am home alone again. Poor Hubby hasn't had a day off in weeks. I'm trying to figure out how to be productive after my day of sloth yesterday, well, at least until my massage at 2:00. And I will try to let the tears out if they should choose to show up. But I am afraid I had to shove them to far down to make it through the show. I don't know when they will try to come again.

Maybe tonight, when I light my candle.