It's officially negative today. I'm still at work, but I have nothing I absolutely have to do. I'm considering saying I have a migraine and going home. But, I'll probably just sit here all day and stare blindly at the screen, pretending to be productive while I think about the fact that we will not get to tell my mom about a baby when she comes to visit next weekend. We will not be able to announce our pregnancy to our family at Christmas, I will not have a baby who's almost exactly two years younger than my niece. I will not be home with a baby all next summer. I'll think about how stupid I was to think forward to all these potential milestones, and then remind myself how impossible it is not to.
I'll think about what to do next.
You guys gave me lots of great information yesterday. Thank you so much for that. I ordered 5 books from Amaz.on last night. They should be here next week. Let's see, can I remember?
Inconceivable
The Infertility Cure
The Fertility Diet
Conquering Infertility
and one for Hubby, How to Make Love to a Plastic Cup
Later this afternoon, I will call to schedule my WTF appointment for about two weeks from now. And I have two clinics singles out to schedule second opinions with. Resolve has their annual conference coming up in three weeks. We know now that we will definitely be attending. One of the doctors we're hoping to meet with speaks there about how there is no such thing as unexplained infertility. We need to schedule with him before the conference happens and he has a run on appointments!
I think it's quite likely that we won't manage to cycle again this year. By the time we have follow ups and second opinions, if we can even get in a cycle, it's bound to collide with Christmas, and I think that won'e be fun for anyone.
I can't fucking believe I'm facing another fucking Christmas with a fucking empty womb.
(I told you the composure would crack eventually.)
Oh Jen. I'm so sorry. I was really holding out hope for you and have been nervous all afternoon. I'm right there with you...and I know there are no words.
ReplyDeleteI have a section at the top of my blog with some book recommendations. All the ones you listed are great. Another good one is called "Making Babies". It's like a simplified version of The Infertility Cure (cause that book can be a little overwhelming sometimes). I know you've already got a lot on your plate, but just thought I would mention it.
As for supplements for egg quality, I've read that CoQ10, Selenium, L-Argenine, and DHA/EPA are all good.
Thinking of you...wish I lived closer so we could have a few too many drinks together right now.
I'm so sorry :( I hope that you get some answers. You're allowed the crack in your composure. Hell with it, break that composure wide open when you get the time. Thinking of you.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry you got this news today. It's such a heartwrenching call to receive. Wishing you lots of comfort and peace.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry, I wish the news was different. Thinking of you today.
ReplyDeleteDrop all the f-bombs you need to my dear, composure can suck it!!!!
ReplyDeletei'm so so so sorry. don't hold back those emotions; just let it all out! we're here for you. sending you a HUGE virtual hug.
ReplyDeleteSo so sorry hun. I wish there was something I could do outside of just sending comforting thoughts your way.
ReplyDeleteMaking love to a Plastic Cup is a great book. I bought it for my husband and he actually used to laugh out loud while reading it. I think it helped him a lot.
I am so sorry Jen. I am right there with you and losing your composure is okay. Take time hun and know i'm here if you need anything. xo
ReplyDeleteSorry isn't enough....I wish there was something I could say to make the pain and frustration go away....I read a book called spirit babies, it's a bit out there, but it gave some really good meditations to help me get through, and give me hope.
ReplyDeleteI hope you get the appointment with that special RE and your WTF appt gives you some answers... Sending hugs and as always thinking of you....
So sorry... I'm just starting this process and learning how much strength it takes just to begin. Nothing can be said to help :(
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry Jen I wish there was something I could say to take away your pain. I am thinking of you xoxo
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry and have SO been there! I'm glad you are getting some second opinions and doing more research. It all can be so helpful! Sorry this cycle didn't work out, I know how soul crushing it can be...Hang in there.
ReplyDeleteThat facing another Christmas with an empty womb is what is resonating within me too. This is just SO hard and I'm sorry that you are experiencing this pain. I understand all too well. I'm thinking of you and sending love & hope your way.
ReplyDeleteSo sorry, IF is just cruel and so unfair:[ To comment on your last post, I bought two of those books but ended up only doing acupuncture and cutting out caffeine. Thinking of you...
ReplyDeleteSo sorry to hear, it just plain sucks.
ReplyDeleteI'm over from Amanda. Can't any of us have a breakthrough soon! There are to many negatives at the moment. There's no words really.. other than I know this pain too from a previous cycle. So I guess I wanna say you are not alone. Hugs
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry. This sucks so much. Sending you lots of ((hugs)).
ReplyDeleteI am so very sorry. Sending many prayers your way.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry for your loss. Nothing I say can make it better. Just feel what you are feeling and know that it's ok to do so. I'm hoping you get answers very soon. Sending you enormous amounts of internet hugs. XO
ReplyDeleteOh no :( I'm sorry. I wish I could make all this go away for all of us. It just sucks and it's not fair. Take care of yourself, you deserve it.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry to hear this. You are in my thoughts. I am wishing you peace and comfort. And please don't give up hope.
ReplyDelete