All right, let's do this...

By this, I mean talk about PAIL. I have read many posts and comments on this subject over the last week and have been trying to wrap my mind around the subject. It's taken me awhile to come even close to a cohesive thought, though I cannot guarantee that this post will flow in anyway. I debated whether or not I should even go here, but out of respect for the community in which I have been blogging, from whom I have received so much support, and for my readers who do not fall into the category which PAIL covers, I wanted to talk a bit about my motivations for joining.

First of all, yes, I joined. Yes, I am only nine weeks pregnant. Some may think this is way too early, that I am setting my self up for a huge, tragic disappointment. Trust me, after over a year in this world, I am well aware that being pregnant does not guarantee me anything. But you know what? I want to enjoy my pregnancy. I want to have a positive attitude. I want to feel like a normal person. I don't want to worry unless there is a reason to. And right now, there is no reason to.

I have suffered with and battled anxiety and depression for over ten years. I have been unmedicated for 3.5 years, and out of therapy for 6 months, and I can feel my anxiety mounting with this pregnancy. As my RE said to me on graduation day, after Hubby told her I had doubted we would see a heartbeat that day, I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop, which is a common pregnant infertile tendency. But, I owe it to myself to embrace this pregnancy, and to surround Violetta with optimism and a positive attitude. And so, at 8 weeks, I ordered two pairs of maternity jeans. I've signed up for What to Expect and Baby Center updates, and yes, I joined PAIL. Many of the bloggers I've been following over the past year have moved on to motherhood, and I am finding their posts to be invaluable in my own preparation for motherhood, just as following them through treatments was helpful when I was preparing for IVF.

Now, what does PAIL mean to me? Well, mostly, I see it as just another resource, a quick and easy way to meet more people who share something in common with me. Did I write to Mel and ask her to remove me from her blog roll? Of course not. Did I change the name of my blog so my friends who are still battling cannot find me? No. I've already said I would continue to blog here in the same space, with a slightly different subject matter with the complete understanding that some of you might have a hard time reading on occasion. I just don't understand this whole sentiment about members of PAIL separating themselves, or leaving the ALI community as a whole.

I think Mel is an amazing advocate and resource for the ALI community. I have promoted Stirrup Queens, and her book at nearly every Resolve meeting I have attended over the last year. I have the highest respect for the work that she does. But you know what, not everyone is comfortable sorting through a list of 3000 blogs to find the ones that are appealing to their situation. In all honesty, I've found very few blogs that way. It's kind of like shopping at TJ Maxx. I'm just not the king of person who has the patience to flip through an endless rack of clothes for hours to find the right one. Give me the blouse on the end cap please. It's just the way I am. So, I found a few there, but then mostly read comments, and clicked through to other bloggers who had left thoughtful comments. Or, I clicked through the lists of people who were nominated for all the silly awards we give out. I found many blogs from LFCA that were started around the time of mine. I used Cyclesista. And most recently, Miss Conception organically pulled together a list of ladies she had thought she would be cycling with this winter, and I added those to my list if I hadn't already stumbled upon them. I have found blogs through a wide variety of sources, so I honestly don't see why feels like such a threat to Mel's blog roll. As Chon said, when she addressed PAIL, Mel is awesome, but other people get to have ideas too. And so far, PAIL has enabled me to quickly and easily find three women who are due around the same time I am. I'm excited to get familiar with their stories.

As far as the motivation to create PAIL, of which I had no part in, I can definitely see why some women are seeking out a subset of the community. I have seen infertiles become outraged when pregnant infertiles dare to complain about who difficult it is to be pregnant. Same goes for parents. Well, you know what? Infertiliy is hard. Pregnancy is hard. Parenting is hard. Life is hard! Sometimes people need to vent and complain for the sake of their mental health, and most of the bloggers I know treat their blog as a form of therapy. The should feel free and able to complain about what ever it is that bothers them. I have also seen pregnant infertiles made fun of for joyfully changing the focus of their blog from IVF diary to pregnancy journal, with little to no focus on the fact that they came through infertility. That prompted me to write this post. I said there that not everyone is cut out to be an activist, nor do they want to be. And that's ok. They just want a place to write about what they need and feel and a way to connect to people who get them. As for myself, I feel like I have valuable information to share for those who come behind me in this journey, and so I plan to keep supporting those stories I've been following. But, I wouldn't be honest if I didn't admit that at the moment, I'm not seeking out many new blogs to add to my reader. It's quite full at the moment, and I'm really wanting to follow all the stories already there to the next chapter. I am also struggling with how much of the pain and struggle of others I can safely take on right now without slipping into an anxiety ridden state that will require me to be once again medicated. It's a definite balancing act.

Lastly, I found it incredible disheartening that in some of the comments on Mel's original post, people were criticising and comparing the length of struggle or amount of treatments that some people have to go to versus others. Any woman who has experienced a miscarriage, regardless of whether or not she actually needed treatment to finally have a her child, has been through a hell that no women should have to experience. Yes, it sucks that some people have to experience multiple losses and multiple treatments to achieve their dreams—I wouldn't wish multiple IVF cycles on anyone—but it does not lessen the pain created from that one miscarriage. I can't even put in to words how horrible those comments were, and that people had the nerve to go there. Do I envy those who got pregnant off of their first IUI? Do I wish I could have simply had sex with my husband to create my baby? Of course. But to criticize people because their struggle hasn't lasted as long as mine is simply ridiculous. That anyone should have to struggle at all is where the true tragedy lies.

And that seems like a fitting place to stop.

Ah, There's the Bitter

I've been wondering when I'd feel like an infertile again. I found out yesterday, when Hubby called me at lunch to check in. He told me he'd spoken to his mom to tell her that the ultrasound went well. She had some news for him as well. It turns out that his cousin A is due in September. She's about 4 years younger than me, and got married a few months after us. My initial reaction was...are you kidding me? Hubby had a whole chat with her at his family's Holiday celebration (which occurred a week after New Years) about not waiting too long to seek help, and if she needed to talk through any options, to let us know. Her mom is his mom's sister, and let's just say, they're wicked close. We had known for months that A was trying (which makes me cringe at what the rest of the family knows about me...but whatever!) I've honestly been expecting this announcement, and in all honesty, I had fully planned to feign illness and leave the holiday party early if she had come out with it then. In any case, my first reaction was that she must have had a really hard time keeping a straight face when Hubby was trying to offer advice. I am told that she didn't know she was pregnant yet at that particular moment.

Now, really, and truly, I am very happy for her and her husband. I wouldn't wish this journey on anyone. But, I got a little jealous and annoyed! After all we've been through, isn't it enough to share the limelight with both of our perfect little brothers? Couldn't it have taken her maybe just one month longer so we, who are the oldest in the family, wouldn't have to have the youngest baby? Although, even though BIL's girlfriend is due the third week in June, as in just over three months to go, they are still not public with the news! She is so much in denial, she's letting life happen around her, and refuses to make any decisions. BIL did rent a house right down the street from us, and is hoping she will move in there with him. It will be fun to have them so close...if she decides to stick around, which we still don't know for sure.

In any case, my other bitter reaction was in saying to Hubby that under no circumstances is a joint baby shower with A in any way ok with me. I absolutely refuse. Do I sound like a bitch, or what? But I want my moment dammit! I have so few actual girlfriends. Most of the women outside of work who are local are adamantly childless by choice, and have been telling me for years that they won't come to a shower. Um, yeah, so, apparently I am a little bit sensitive about the topic.

When all is said and done, it will be really wonderful for Violetta to have 2 cousins and a second cousin who are essentially the same age as her. It really will be a lot of fun, if not a bit chaotic at next year's Christmas party. But yes, once an infertile, always an infertile. I guess you just never know when the bitter is going to strike!

Time to go Shopping!

All looked great this morning at our ultrasound, though I thought Violetta had a very blob like appearance in the photos we were given. I promise to open up my new scanner this week and get photos posted. We also met with our RE who officially released us to the OB. I'll call to make that appointment later today!! She also said, "All right, after you have the baby, breast feed as long as you want, and then I want you to come right back here so we can get going again...if you want another one. Do not wait three or four years." Sheesh. Can I bring the first one safely into the world before I think about the second one. I'm having a hard enough time wrapping my mind around all of this to begin with. But, as I said, when all worked out well today, I'm planning to spend a little time online tonight looking for some maternity jeans. So ladies, where are your favorite places to shop? Thoughts on full panels vs demi panels? Are belly bands worth it?

Eight Weeks

I am eight weeks pregnant with you today, Violetta, and I can hardly believe it. Somehow, eight weeks sounds so official. We get to see you again tomorrow and I can hardly wait. I read this morning that we might even be able to hear your heartbeat this week, not just see it. Wouldn't that be amazing?

Dad and I had a wonderful time in Puerto Rico. It was just the vacation we were looking for. Lots of relaxing in the sun on the beach, swimming in the ocean and the pool, books, and naps. It couldn't have been much more perfect. Someday, we'll take you away to the beach. We actually saw lots of babies while we were there. 

One of the highlights of the trip was a night we spent in the resort's casino. It was small, nothing like Las Vegas, but it had a roulette wheel, which was what we were looking for. Leap Day fell during out trip. We decided it would be cool to play the numbers of your potential due date for Roulette that night. We're not big gamblers, so we plopped down our twenty-dollar bill and got twenty lavender (how perfect!) chips in exchange. The numbers we played were 10 for your October birth month, 13 because you measured one day ahead, 14 for the due date based off of your conception date, and 12 for your birth year—lucky year of the dragon, have we talked about how cool that is?

With four numbers and twenty chips, we were able to play five spins of the wheel. It didn't look like Leap Day was going to be lucky until on the very last spin that white ball (coincidentally, just about the size of a blueberry) bounced into number 10—proving that October is in fact lucky for our little family! We walked away from the table with $36, which we promptly spent on slots and a return trip to the roulette wheel the next night. All in all, we pretty much broke even, because we believe that gambling is purely for entertainment, not about making money. But the fact that we did have a winning spin on your due date numbers was just perfect. 

In case you haven't noticed, I've been consulting a few different sources on your development. Thus, the wide variety of fruit and beans I've been coming up with to compare your size. It seems that sometime during last week you grew from blueberry sized to raspberry sized. And now, at the point of eight full weeks, you are officially the size of a raspberry, a kidney bean, or a jelly bean. Somehow, these items don't go together quite as well as last week. 

We can't wait to see you tomorrow, baby!

Back from Paradise

We're back from an incredible 6 days and 5 nights in Puerto Rico. I know this may seem confusing, since it seems like we just left yesterday. In reality, left last Sunday (on 7 weeks) and got back on Friday night. The 7 week post I wrote from my phone in the airport didn't post properly, so I wrote it again yesterday and back dated it.

Anyway, the trip was perfect. Just what we wanted. The resort was beautiful. (Wynd.ham R.io M.ar 45 minutes east of San Juan for anyone who is interested. If you can get a good deal, I would definitely recommend it). It was secluded, which was great. We were much more interested in relaxing than in a big beach scene and tequila shooting night life. We spent our days by the beach under the shade of an umbrella, sipping drinks (virgin pina coladas for me, which makes me think that tropical beaches could be a good place to spend a two week wait. I cannot even begin to describe the amount of pineapple that was consumed this week). There was a fairly strong breeze most days, which did get a little hard to take after a while, but we never felt hot, just warm, which I think was probably best for me. The few moments when I did get really warm and sticky, I became a ranging hormonal woman within seconds. All in all, it was simply awesome to get away with Hubby and just relax, nap, read, hang out. I wish it didn't have to end. I'll try to post some pictures when I get around to getting them off of my camera.

Now, it's back to reality. When we arrived home, we were greeted by snow covered ground, which we had yet to see this winter. But, we have the whole weekend to recover and get organized for the work week ahead...and our next ultrasound tomorrow morning! I am really trying to remain calm and not panic. But I'm really freaked out again. I think that's an unfortunate side effect of belonging to this community. We know too damn much. But, when all goes well (notice the positive thinking), we meet with the RE after the u/s and should be released to the OB. Then, I will get online and order me some maternity jeans!

Seven Weeks

Dad and I are on our way to Puerto Rico today, for a little babymoon! We are very much looking forward to a week of rest and relaxation in the sun. Boy could I use it. I am tired all the time these days. I hope that you inherit my love of the beach, and all things related to being in the water (oceans or pools) and not your dads fear of flying and general travel anxiety!

The biggest excitement of our week leading up to this vacation was that we go to see you, Violetta! Your little heart was beating away, flickering away like a blinking light. What a beautiful sight. And, you appear to be an over achiever already, measuring at one day ahead of schedule. So, according to the sonographer, you are due on October 13. I'm imagining many Halloween themed costume birthday parties in your future! Yes, I'm hoping you'll love Halloween as much as I do too.

This week you are a half an inch long, the size of a raspberry, a blueberry or a coffee bean. I'm thinking that could be an interesting ice cream flavor. We get to see you again when we are back from our vacation, and I can't wait to see how big you'll be then!

Randomness on a Dreary Friday

On this Friday before my week's vacation, bullet points are about all I can muster due to the vacation brain and the exhaustion. So, here ya go...

• Elphaba has decided to create a community for women who are Pregnant/Parenting after Infertility or Loss. (PAIL). Stop on by and check it out if you would like to know more. I think it's a great idea since so many of us struggle with how we fit in after that BFP. It might feel a bit early for me to sign up for such a thing, but I'm choosing to move forward with optimism that this pregnancy will result in a take home Violetta. I have no reason not to think so, right?
• Speaking of this pregnancy, man am I exhausted! I've been waking up three times a night to pee, having a hard time getting comfortable to sleep, mostly due to my shoulders which haven't acted up in awhile, and getting out of bed. Wow. It's hard. 
• I feel not nauseous, but just gross, unsettled, heart burny most of the time. As long as I keep eating, chewing tums and sucking on ginger altoids, everything is fine. For the past few days, I have had to eat my cereal earlier in my morning routine than normal though, because everything was not going to be ok otherwise. Oh, and the burping is out. of. control!
• I am completely ecstatic that I even have the experience to need to write the above two bullet points!
• After a week of PIO, my hips are still so freaking itchy, I can barely stand it. Yesterday, I was in a team meeting, and I almost had to run to the bathroom just so I could pull my pants down and scratch. Seriously. Scratching through my pants just doesn't cut it. 
• How early is too early for maternity pants? I was not a slender girl to begin with. On an average day, one might guess that I am four months pregnant anyway. The difference is that on an average day, I have the ability to suck it in! Trust me, this is no longer an option. I have one pair of jeans that still fits without some modification, and a few pairs of pants with elastic waist bands, and lots of dresses. But I am definitely struggling. It's a good think I'm on my way to the beach for a week where I will only really have to wear a nice stretchy bathing suit all day!
• I on my way to the beach on Sunday! We're off to Puerto Rico on a 5:30 am flight. We have to leave our house at 3:30. My god, what have we done? I'm trusting that the beach on the other side will be worth it. We're leaving so early because we have to drive about 45 minutes outside of San Juan to get to the resort, and most of the flights arrived after dinner. We didn't want to drive in the dark!
• I have a new favorite sandwich at my local deli. Yes, I am a submarine sandwich kind of girl. Born and raised on roast beef with russian. Yum! Giving up deli meats leaves me lacking in a serious way. But there is this sub on a french baguette...just veggies, all of them, cucumbers, roasted red pepers, pickles, olives, etc. with cheddar cheese and russian. I've had it three days in a row. Heaven .
• This has got to be enough randomness for anyone to read through today. Happy Friday all!