Feeling Scattered

I can't really think of an interesting title right now. I am feeling so many things. So, I thought I should just blog them out.

I am feeling tired from this cold that won't go away. I made it through 6 hours of work on Thursday, and 4 in the office, with another hour at home yesterday listening to a conference call from the couch with my eyes closed. Not a bad way to have a call in all honesty. I had thought I felt better yesterday, until the stabbing sinus pains started halfway through the morning. You know the kind, like knifes poking into your eyes and cheeks? Not fun. I spent most of the night cuddled on the couch with Hubby. Today, I still feel like I have a cold, but am feeling better if I don't try to push to hard. It's amazing what a cold can do to your endurance. Which leads me to my next feeling.

I am feeling restless! I have spent so much time lying on the couch in the last week, I'm starting to feel like a pillow! I look around my house, and see all the christmas stuff just piled, waiting to be stuffed back into boxes. Yes, I started this project 6 days ago! It's beginning to make me crazy. I already get sad when I have to undecorate. The fact that this process is taking over a week is driving me insane!

I am feeling like a slob. I counted about 7 pairs of shoes (some Hubby's, some mine) and two pairs of socks (Hubby, why do men insist upon taking their socks off in the living room and leaving them there??) on the living room floor last night because I don't have the energy to pick them up. And it's just not one of Hubby's fortes. He's trying to keep up with the dishes, since he doesn't like me to put away the clean ones when I am sick. But it's just not the same as when I am staying on top of it (and I'm not all that great of a house keepeer to begin with.) The messes are piling up. It's time to do laundry, and I just can't find the energy.

I am stressed about work. I thought my project was on hold for two weeks, so I said I was available and was immediately snatched up by a project badly in need of some help, and more complicated that my stuffy little brain could really get into in the 10 hours I managed in the office this week. And that conference call that I had yesterday? Well, that was my client with the feedback we needed to come off of hold. Two weeks to develop options and go back to Buffalo to present. Guess what else is supposed to go down in two weeks? I'm not too worried about the timing the the cycle part. I just feel badly about the staffing confusing, and leaving another team hanging. But, as Hubby keeps reminding me, staffing is not my problem. If I felt healthier, and didn't have a cycle coming up, I would possibly be able to be a good team player, and put in a few extra hours in the next few weeks to help people out. But then again, why the heck should I? I don't get paid for over time? I guess it's just the constant internal battle of a conscientious employee. I wish I cared more than I actually do sometimes. Most of the time, I am just stressed out that deadlines are going to place pressure on me at an inopportune time for baby making. And then I get pissed off at my job. As far as my main project, I had already let the project manager know back in December that I would not be able to travel for the project in January. It shouldn't be an issue. Hopefully, we will have plenty of time to get the work done without causing me stress. They can go see the client, and I can go have a transfer and some bed rest while they are out of the office.

I am feeling a little lupron loopy, and am impatient to get this show on the road, even if I am glad to have a little more time to kick the cold first. I am so afraid that this won't work again. I started out feeling so optimistic, but the longer it takes to get started, and the longer I battle this cold, the harder it is for me to maintain the excitement and positive thinking. I need cold medicine right now, or there would be no getting better, but I am worried about being all dried up and it effecting my eggs. I am worried about being on Lupron for too long, and being over suppressed like I was if IVF #1. I am worried that since the Lupron is diluted it won't suppress me enough, and when I go in for baseline, my estrogen will be too high and they will say we have to wait, and then we will have booked a vacation, and will have to wait even longer (because due to Hubby's work schedule, that's when the vacation has to be or it's not happening). I am grateful that the Lupron is diluted because I can't imagine having those headaches at 3pm every day for 6 extra days. There are many fewer side effects, except that I am feeling emotionally unstable, that's for sure.

I am anxious for tomorrow. Tomorrow is finally our Christmas with Hubby's family. It's traditionally the sunday after Christmas, but was put off a week this year in favor of New Year's Day. It will be the first time we see (we think, she may bail) BIL's pregnant girlfriend. They are not planning to announce anything to the family tomorrow, because they still haven't figured out what they are doing long term. But, let's get real here people. If she's due in the beginning of June, then she's got to be 17 or so weeks by now. I've seen all your belly pictures out there ladies. She's a small girl. How is she hiding this? I'm nearly positive that there will be at least a few savy ladies tomorrow who will pick up on something, and I don't trust at least one of them not to make a thing of it, at least in whispers. And then there is the cousin who we know is trying. Although, she was drinking at Thanksgiving. My theory is that is she were to be pregnant enough to announce tomorrow, then she would have been already pregnant then. So, I'm trying no to worry about that fact too much.

I am worried about Hubby, who has been sleeping up a storm, and obsessively playing mindless solitaire games on his iPhone. He's preoccupied with his brother, and his mother's health, and work. But I need him. I need him to help me get the house in order. I need him to be involved in this cycle. I have done all of my injections this time thus far. I need him to have a conversation with me in the evening about life in general. I need to see him laugh and smile. That's one of the reasons this vacation is so important. Speaking of which, we are leaning toward Aruba, which seems to be at the higher end of our budget, but we're going to try to make it work. But every time I think I found a reasonable place, I read about it on trip advisor and find that a bunch of people are bashing it for being musty or something. I hate travel research! It's so much pressure to find something because so much money will be spent, and Hubby and I do not have the best track record with vacations. Ugh! So, yeah, there's yet another thing on my mind. I did get the all clear to fly from the doctor though. If this works, I'll have u/s at 5.5 weeks, and between 7.5 - 8 weeks. We're planning to travel around week 7, so all should work out perfectly.

I am feeling inertia. So many things I want and need to do, so little energy to actually get them started, but the longer I put them off, the crazier it makes me. So, I think I will heat up some lunch, and try to gather up the laundry, start a load, and then I'll probably have to rest on the couch for another 20 minutes or so. I just need to muster up a bit of strength to get this object at rest into motion, at least for a few minutes.