Today there is fear.
I can't really tell you why more today than any other day in particular. My E2 level yesterday was 232, which seems like a perfectly reasonable place to be after 5 day s of stims. Dr. Stats did not change my meds dose, which must mean that she thinks I'm in a good place. I go back tomorrow morning for more b/w and a u/s this time,
Yeah, so aside from getting sick, having baseline delayed due to late arrival of AF, and then construction in the lab, and now Hubby being sick, and me freaking out that a cold is going to kill all his swimmers (we're doing ICSI, we should be fine, right?!), everything has been moving right along just fine.
But there is fear.
I think it's been sneaking up on me for quite a while.
I am afraid because this is my third cycle, and I am 2.5 months away from turning 37. If this cycle doesn't work, I am slip sliding my way toward falling of a cliff on the success rates chart. I am terrified that this cycle won't work. Simply terrified.
I am devastated that I am going to have two new nieces/nephews this summer, and I have been lapped by my younger brother, and I still see no end in sight to this journey. I want so much to be excited. Instead, there is sadness, jealousy and fear that Lady C and her sibling will never have any cousins to play with.
I am weary from nine months of IVF, and exhausted thinking of another year of this, this all consuming torture. I am one of the lucky ones who has insurance coverage of up to 6 cycles, with no reason yet to think that I won't be approved for three more. How could I not move forward and use the least expensive option presented to me to expand my family, especially when it offers me the chance to pass on our biology? But if it doesn't work this time, how can I waste any more time from moving on to something that will guarantee me a child, even if it takes an indefinite amount of time. I am not getting any younger. The thought of going through three more rounds of IVF, and being nearly 38 before evening beginning to look into adoption, and then possibly not meeting that child until I am almost 40 literally takes my breath away.
I am worried that I didn't push hard enough with my doctor and our second opinion to investigate reasons beyond egg and sperm that this hadn't yet work, and that there is something undiagnosed which will make this a wasted effort.
The dark evil of fear has wrapped it's arms around my chest and squeezed with all of it's might until the only breaths I can take are rapid and shallow. My cells twitch. My eyes dart. My mind wanders. I am pretty much useless.
And the thing that scares me the most...I can't see it. I can't see Violetta. Try as I might, I cannot, in my mind's eye, see my baby. I cannot visualize holding her, nursing her, tucking her in at night. I try to imagine her growing withing me, making my belly swell. I try to imagine giving birth and feeling her on my chest for the first time. I try so hard.
But all I can see is blackness.
And fear.
Thinking of you and sending lots of good thoughts your way!
ReplyDeleteAw, I'm sorry you are feeling down. It's so hard to put on that positive face everyday, but you will get there. I feel like the beginning of each cycle is such a hard and stressful time with so many unknowns. Thinking of you.. xoxo
ReplyDeleteOh goodness, I can really relate to this post. I am 2.5 months away from age 38, which one year scarier than 37! Most infertility charts group things from under 35, 35 - 37, then 38 -40. So believe me, I'm freaking out about this next cycle not working!
ReplyDeleteRationally though, it's not like there is actually some magical cliff you drop off of at a particular age. It's a gradual decline, or at least that's what I've been told by doctors. But no question, it's hard to have so much time go by with no results.
At least you have consistently been producing a good amount of eggs and embryos - that gives you the best starting place to get pregnant. Take it from someone who has never produced more than 3 eggs in 3 cycles!
I am sending you as much positive energy as possible for the next few weeks. I'll be cheering you on!
I know these feelings all too well, but also had the stress of finances. You are so lucky to have that insurance coverage, but hopefully you won't need anymore! I think the feelings come and go and at times seem overwhelming and all consuming. Don't beat yourself up for not being able to see that baby (girl OR boy). I think I have had 1-3 pregnancy/baby dreams during our 4.5 years trying and reading how others had them all the time was so hard, but it doesn't matter. What does matter is that you are doing all of this. You are fighting everyday to be able to hold that baby of yours in real life, not in your mind. You are doing all you can and you have to trust yourself! You can do this. So can your soon-to-be baby! xo
ReplyDeleteI am going to stay postive that this is your ivf and your year. Thinking about you :)
ReplyDeleteSome days the fear can be overwhelming. After a while, it seems like going forward on autopilot is the only way to keep sane. I hope so much that you don't need the rest of those insured cycles.
ReplyDeleteTake a deep breath and focus on one day at a time! I am also in my late thirties (turning 36 in a few weeks) so I understand your fear of time. I wish you the best and I am positive this IVF cycle is it for you!!
ReplyDeleteI think it is good to go through all of your fears, get them out of you. Hopefully then they won't be so overwhelming and have such a hold on you. I too have had that feeling or realization that I can't see it, can't picture breast feeding, bringing home an infant, being a parent. It is a terrifying comparison to other people who have always visualized "being a mom." But please know that it means nothing. For now, visualize those growing follicles. I'll be thinking of you.
ReplyDeleteOkay dear sounds like life is starting to scare you when you think of not having your baby by a certain age. I've been your age and thought the same. I'm now 42 and still trying for that first take home baby. All I can say is that you've still got a few factors going for you in the age section, so if at all possible think positive. IVF is scary. I know that first hand like you do. I have hope that soon you'll be yelling about that BFP. Good luck!
ReplyDeleteOh I am so sorry! ***hugs***
ReplyDeleteOh sweetie, I'm sorry you are going through these emotions right now. I have had many of them myself both before IVF and after our loss. They are real and valid fears. I am surprised you have held it together so well (from my perspective) this far. Thinking about going through IVF a second time makes me sick so I can only imagine a third.
ReplyDeleteYes I got pregnant before, but what if that was my only shot? What if it's not as simple again? What if I do and loose another baby?
I am here for you if you need me and I get it. I hope some of these fears taper off a bit and you are left with a little peace very soon.
Alissa
Damn the fear you were doing so well. You might be turning 37 but right now you are still 36 and I get the feeling you are not an old 36 but a young and hip one, therefore the babies aren't going to know that you are older. Besides, these days everyone is older so you are just normal.
ReplyDeleteThe fear is ok, let it out, confront it and beat it. You are going to be a mother. It is going to happen.
Lastly, if Violetta is a boy are we going with the V theme still?
It gets impossible to visualize it happening after a while, but that doesn't mean it can't, or won't, happen for you. It is hard to not be afraid, but having that many of cycles still in front of you to give it a whirl is a wonderful thing. I'm scared to death of my odds at this point, but I'm ignoring them as best I can. Don't let yourself get immobilized by the fear. Your chances are still very good. Women your age get pregnant every day. Why not you??? :)
ReplyDeleteThat fear can drive you crazy. I am so sorry you are feeling like this. Sending you a big hug to help squeeze out that fear and leave you with deep healing breaths.
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