Me Time

I've noticed lately that I'm feeling a bit panicked, and over scheduled. I suppose this is nothing new. It tends to happen ever summer as I plot to keep a few days open on the calendar so I can actually head to the beach and get in some time in the water. Maybe when we finally get to put in a swimming pool, the stress of scheduling my swim time will be greatly alleviated. But I digress. The panicked and over scheduled feeling has taken on a new height this summer. With every invitation to a social event, I am feeling something bordering on angry. I think, there goes yet another weekend day I could use to do some crafty things to prepare for Luigi. Like start making him a blanket which I am endlessly obsessing over. I can't  even tell you have many baby blankets I have made for other people. I've probably even sold at least a dozen over the years. The thought of not managing to make one for my son before he arrives is literally making my blood boil. And yes, I do realize that some of this is a hormonally induced over reaction.

In any case, I mentioned to Hubby the other day that I might not go to his cousin's baby shower at the end of July. It is the weekend before the shower my mom is having for me in NY. It's in Plymouth. I'm sure I've written about this before, but just to remind those of you who are not from the area...I live just 20 NW of Boston, off of a little highway the locals like to call 128. Plymouth is about an hour south of Boston, and it literally the gateway to Cape Cod. Google might tell you it's only an hour away, but they are absolutely not taking into account the cape traffic, especially returning from the Cape on a Sunday afternoon. Right, ok. So it feels too far away to spend 3 hours or so round trip in a car to go to a shower that will last for 3 hours. Years back when it took me over a hour one-way  to get to a craft fair on Martha's Vineyard that I walked around for 45 minutes, I resolved that if the travel time is longer than the event, it's usually just not worth it to me (out of town weddings for dear friends aside). I don't want to drive that far  by myself, and I don't want to ride with someone else in the family because I'll be stuck there until the last scrap of wrapping paper is thrown away.

I think I'm also a bit resistant to baby showers in general. Hypercritical, I know, since we're planning two for me this summer. I haven't been to one since before I got engaged 5 years ago. Not that I've avoided them, there just really haven't been any. And I think there's a wee bit of infertile bitterness lingering around the concept.

So, back to me confessing to Hubby that I didn't want to go. He was not pleased. He said it is a family obligation. Easy for him to say. Not being one of the women folk, he is not obliged to go. His family is all local, and super tight, and it overwhelms me at times. I have cousins I don't see for ten years at a time. I haven't seen my grandmother in three. I've never been to a birthday party for any of my aunts and uncles. It's the polar opposite of the entire family essentially being born and raised inside 128. (that aforementioned highway which is actually a loop around Metro Boston). So, I just don't feel quite so obligated. In the end, I told him I would RSVP yes, but reserve the right to bail at the last minute based on how I am feeling.

That very same evening, when I got home and opened my mailbox, there was yet another shower invitation. This one for another cousin's fiance's bridal shower...an hour and a half north in NH the weekend before my shower we are having for me in Boston! Can't a girl catch a break? I literally felt like my head was going to explode and I wanted to cry. I know this is not rational. These showers are important events for two lovely women. But I just don't care. I'm feeling very selfish. I have some guilt about skipping that one because we aren't going to the wedding, given that it's 2 weeks before my due date. But like I said, when round trip travel time exceeds the event time...ugh.

After pondering my angry and selfish reaction for a bit, this is what I realized. I have about 112 days, give or take, of freedom left for the next 18 or so years. And I don't want to feel obligated to anyone but myself, my husband and my son. I want to take this time I have to enjoy doing things I won't have time for anymore come October. I want to do a great job preparing for Luigi's arrival. I want to have some quality time with Hubby (which hasn't been easy because he spends every waking minute working on the deck, which is awesome, and I'm super excited about, but I'd love for him to take 20 minutes to go for a walk with me some night after dinner.) And I don't really give a damn about family obligations right now. There will always be showers and weddings and birthdays and graduations and anniversary parties to attend, not to mention random Sundays at Gramma's watching football. The same people will always be there, though the guest of honor might be different. And I can bring Luigi with me. What I can't do is paint his nursery, make art for his walls or sew him a baby blanket while I'm attending the few of these events that happen to take place this particular summer. I am running out of Me Time.

So yeah, I want to hoard my last chances at Me Time and not give away every weekend to family this summer. Maybe that makes me selfish and irrational. I know it makes me hormonal! Hubby said, "But that's what you wanted." Of course, I know, I wanted this child so desperately that I underwent multiple procedures I never could have imagined. That doesn't mean that transitioning to the reality of his arrival changing my life forever is any easier to comprehend. I am so excited for the next phase, I really truly am. I just need to be selfish right now, while I still can.

Funny thing is, yesterday, a few days after opening that bridal shower invite and freaking out, I opened up yet another shower invite from my mail. I laughed at the absurdity, but then was excited to see that it was for a couples shower for friends of ours from our old Resolve group who are having twins after more early losses that I can count. I was excited and honored to be invited. And I'll do my best to fit it in amongst my me time (of course, it doesn't hurt that it's less than a half hour across town!)