Father's Day is Weird

This year, despite it being Hubby's first Father's Day as an expectant father, the day was barely a blip on my radar screen. Luigi and I did get Hubby a small gift and a card, which I ended up giving to him on Friday night. We got him one of those little vacuum pumps for wine, because he really enjoys wine but hasn't been drinking any because he doesn't want to open a bottle and not drink it all, etc. I also got him a nice bottle of zin to go with it. And, we ended up having pasta for dinner on Friday, so it seemed fitting to break out the gift a little early. By the way, I miss wine. A lot. I took Hubby;s glass and smelled it, and one sip which I held in my mouth for a dew minutes before swallowing. Yum!

So, our own celebration happened early. And those of you who have been with me for awhile may recall that it's been 2.5 years since I've spoken to my own dad. I had written several posts on the topic but have since taken them down due to paranoia because I laid it ALL out there. But the gist is that my parents split when I was 13, he's on his third wife now, so I actually have an ex-step mom. He doesn't understand that a parent child relationship should be unconditional, and was always scolding me for not living up to some unexpressed ideal honor thy father above all else (even though he cheated on my mom) perfect daughter that's it's just not humanly possible to be. We had a falling out around his 60th birthday because I called and left him a voice mail at his home that day while he was out of the country in Italy on vacation with his friends. Apparently, the fact that I worked until 9pm that night and then called him at 9:30 was not good enough, even though he wasn't home that day. I should have called him on his cell in Italy. (um, 3 years ago, how typical was it that one's cell worked in Europe?) Anyway! That was the last straw, and I stopped going back for the abuse.

My brother cut ties at the same time. But when he announced to our extended family, dad and step-mom included, that he was expecting his daughter, he heard from both of them, and proceeded to tell them off. I announced to my family via email about two months ago, and also included my dad and step-mom in the announcement and, well....crickets.

I'm not sure I've fully processed how I feel about not hearing a thing from him. I guess I had always hoped that when I finally had a child, it would offer an opportunity to break the ice and perhaps patch things up. So, it makes me a little sad not to have heard form him. On the other hand, life is much simpler and stress free when I can go visit my mom for the weekend and not worry about the guilt and angst while I play the ping pong game back and forth between the two of them. I had decided that I would inform him that he had a grandchild on the way, and leave the ball in his court, at least until I make it through the first few sleep-deprived months of Luigi's life. Who knows, I may eventually find myself ready to reach out. But then, I'm not really sure for what purpose. I feel sad that he's missing out on his grandchildren because I know he is so envious of the relationship that his brothers have with theirs. But, do I really think he's capable of having that kind of relationship with Luigi when he really wasn't with me? Am I sad and miss him, but not really him, just the dad that I wish that he was? Can I accept that he'll never be that but yet still find a way to have a distilled relationship with him anyway? Am I really only interested because I want Luigi to have an inheritance? So many mixed feelings on this subject which I have yet to resolve. So, yeah, Father's Day is weird.

Aside from my own daddy issues, both of my grandfathers have long since passed. There just hasn't been a lot of reason for me to pay attention to this day.

And this year, well, everything that's going on with Hubby's family isolated me from the day even more. Hubby's dad finishes his 7 weeks of chemo and radiation this week for throat cancer. Hubby has visited him once or twice throughout, and had arranged to stop in for a few minutes on Sunday morning with his brother on their way to visit Grampa L. I still have not met my FIL yet, and for multiple reasons, we decide this should not be the day. He is not able to talk or swallow right now. He needs to use a feeding tube. He's pretty much miserable, and wasn't up to visitors, so it wasn't really the ideal day for him to met his long lost pregnant daughter-in-law. In addition, you might remember that my BIL lost his baby earlier this spring and this was his first Father's Day as a baby loss dad. I didn't to be around him with my big bump reminding him of what was not to be, especially since the unfulfilled due date is this Friday. So, I stayed behind and planted flowers in my front yard.

I supposed I could have met up with them to visit Grampa, but it was the day they decided to install the air conditioners for him (um are people aware that the temperature forecast for Thursday in Boston is 99 degrees???), and he doesn't like the women folk around when there is heavy labor to be done. It's kind of cute, actually.

Anyway, for all of those reasons, Father's Day was weird. I'm so looking forward to next year, when we can hopefully do some visiting in the morning, and then have a nice family afternoon, just the three of us. Finally.