Lonely and Lost

It's been just over a week since I last wrote. I think I'm still dazed and confused by the fact that I was supposed to have had an egg retrieval by now, but instead, I've been slowly plugging away at work, where the pace of my project has slowed down quite considerably. A slower pace at work is nice, but does not serve as the best distraction.

I've been getting home at a more reasonable hours most days, but have been having trouble figuring out what to do with myself, aside from going for a walk, in the evenings. There isn't even any good new tv with which to numb myself. I always fall into a bit of a slump whenever a projects ends. It takes a swift kick in the pants to get me motivated again. Having extra time in the evenings coinciding with the IVF that wasn't isn't helping matters in the least.

I wish I has something more positive or humorous to say, but I just don't. I feel like I'm just floating through life on a breeze at the moment. I could really use thoughts on how to embrace life, find the happy, enjoy my husband, how to pull myself out of this slump. What are some things that have worked for you laddies when your feeling down and stuck?

I am really feeling quite lonely right now as well. I have somehow managed to make it to my mid-30s with very few close friends, and literally none who live close enough to meet me out for a drink when I'm having a bad day. The close friends I do have who live far away all have children, and have for years, with the exception of one, who just got engaged. I've been thinking of telling the story of exactly how I ended up here, about how for a good portion of my life, I just haven't quite fit in with the people who surround me, be it because I'm too young, too old, single, or childless. Maybe I will talk more about that another day. But yeah, in summary, I've spent pretty much my entire adult life just not quite relating to those around me.

The main group of people we socialize with these days are Hubby's friends from college. They range in age from 40 to 46. I am 36. None of them want to have children. Not a single one. Hubby has let some of them in on what we are going through, and I have been able to talk to one woman on occasion, who used to work for an insurance company in their infertility benefits area, so she understands some of the process. But on the other hand, she also makes suggestions like getting myself hypnotized to think that I'm not trying anymore, because she swears she saw so many people get pregnant once they stopped trying. Whatever.

In any case, they just can't fully understand what it's like. They can't understand that I can't commit now to going to the Vineyard with them next summer, and that even if I could, I might not want to eat out at a pricey restaurant every single night because I am saving money for a maternity leave, baby furniture and day care that  I might never actually need. I used to be told repeated by one woman - smugly childless by choice as if those who decide to parent are completely inferior beings -  who works at the children's museum, that before I decided to have kids, I should at least follow her around work all day to learn what not to do. As if that would negate the innate need I feel inside my body to be a mother. And it's quite overwhelming to know that my entire social circle will disintegrate before my very eyes the moment I am ever lucky enough to actually give birth. Not only do they not want to have children, they don't ever wish to be around them. Something in me hopes that maybe they love us enough that they will still be willing to come hang out by our fire pit when I have a baby monitor in my lap. Or that they wouldn't object to us coming to the Vineyard for a few days with an infant who mostly sleeps, especially since there is one detached cabin at the house thy regularly rent. But it is really hard to invest a lot of time and energy in cultivating these friendships when they could cease to exist as soon as I get my greatest wish.

So yeah, these people don't quite get me, as lovely as most of them are. And yes, we have great times with them. But I don't get their humor, I'm half a decade off in music and pop culture...and yes, high school in the early 90s vs high school in the mid 80s seems to make a huge difference. And they love to drink. My tolerance is next to non-existent after months of limited intake. I have one, and I'm done these days or I feel sick.

Funny that I mentioned earlier that I wish I had a close friend to meet me for a drink after a bad day. But, it's not about the drink. It's about the conversation. The understanding. The companionship.

So this might sound really pathetic, but seriously, if any of you live in the Boston area and ever want to get together in person to commiserate, I'm currently taking applications for some new friends. And somehow, with you ladies, I think I might have a better chance of feeling like I fit in.