Random Thoughts on Cycle Day 30

Yes, that's right. It's CD30. This is not a good thing.

I have had only three other cycles this long in the last two years since I've been keeping track, and one of them was my chemical pregnancy. To say I am getting impatient would be an understatement. If this had been any other cycle, I would definitely be peeing on thing by now. But this wasn't any old cycle. This is the cycle that benched us. The cycle where we didn't even get to try.

I've been waiting and waiting for CD1 so we can get the show on the road with the next IUI. Even my iPhone app is getting impatient, as it now tells me I am four days late. (yes, a 22 day cycle will throw off your average, and it uses the last three months data). How cruel. I still don't feel any symptoms aside from the lingering bitchiness. In a few more days I may need to call the nurse and ask if this extended cycle is normal after an exuberant cancelled cycle!

In other random thoughts, I still need to finish telling the story of my dad. I believe the next installment will cover our wedding, and possibly his 60th birthday, which was the final event that triggered our estrangement. Maybe I will get to it over the weekend. I have started to talk about him in therapy again, since I had a few weeks where I wasn't overwhelmed with fertility treatments. I think I am making some progress. One of the realizations I'm getting to is trying to accept the fact that I haven't done anything wrong. I haven't been "bad." When I was accused of not liking his new family, or his new wife, or being bitchy to them, or whatever, I've always thought to myself that I didn't understand what I did that would make him think that. I felt caught off-guard and very misunderstood. My therapist kept hinting that maybe I was angry, and maybe I did act out in some way, which make me defensive. It's really hard to remember, but the realization that I'm coming to is that if I did act out, a 14 year old girl who was thrust into a new family where she realted to no one, a year after her dad left her mom for a young blonde deserves to be angry. A 20 year old girl who has a new woman move in with her dad and he doesn't even bother to tell her deserves to be confused. It was not wrong to be angry. I was not "bad" by being angry. And it's not my fault that my dad is/was emotinally incapable of working through the situation in a rational manner without imposing blame. I've got a long way to go, but I think it's progress.

And my last random thought on this most frustrating of Day 30s is about my mom. Now that Hubby has filled her in, and she knows that I don't really want to talk about the situation, she keeps saying things like "I hope you feel joyful today," or "find the joy in each other every day." I know she's concerned, and wants to help. Believe me, I wish she could. I love my mom so much. She's amazing. But having her remind me to feel joyful just makes me feel that much worse that I don't. I wish I could feel more excited that my house that I wanted for so long is really starting to take shape. Don't get me wrong, I love the way it's turning out. I have a lot of other things in my life to be grateful for. But I am having a hard time finding joy in each day right now. Espeically in this particular cramp, backache and blood free Day 30.

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Update: I'm spotting. Thank goodness. And that might the only time I'll be thankful for that.