All I've Got

I don't seem to be very capable of forming a coherent post these days. All I seem to have are random thoughts that pop into my brain for a few fleeting moments. I almost feel like I need a Twitter account just so I have a place to stash all the randomness. Things like "is there anyone else out there who can't get enough lemon?" Or "hey, wait, do I actually not feel queasy at this moment? Do I actually feel hungry enough to wolf down an enormous hamburger and a huge pile of french fries from Wild Willy's?" And, "gosh darnit, these jeans are comfy, but man, do they fall down all the time!"

Work has gotten busy, and with various hours out for travel and appointments, I've been trying to make up time over lunch, which is often when I've written. Evenings, I'm still mostly exhausted, and want to be lying on the couch. I can still read blogs on my phone from this position, but trying to write a post that way is just a little tricky.

So, um, yeah, I feel a bit boring!

But anyway, I am twelve weeks tomorrow, and yesterday I really did start to feel the queasy subsiding. And I really did wolf down that burger. It was awesome, and I don't feel the least bit guilty about it because I am anemic and have been instructed to eat red meat. I'm trying to remember to take an extra iron supplement every night with dinner, but I haven't gotten super consistent about it yet. I need to take it with food, but breakfast is out because that's too close to my levoxyl, and I take my prenatal right before bed, so I can't take it then. I've got an alarm on my phone, which seems to help half of the time.

So, queasy gone (which I refuse to let make me paranoid, it's supposed to go away, right?!), but energy level is not increasing at all yet. I am not sleeping very well. I often am awake for a few hours after I get up to pee. I'm having a really hard time staying asleep on my side. I feel like a grumpy old woman, but I have had achy knees and bad shoulders for years. They had been doing a lot better, until our best friend progesterone kicked in. I usually start off on my left side in bed but end up sleeping best on my back. Of course, we all know this isn't the best way to sleep when pregnant. The problem that I am having is that for some reason, when I lie on my side, my knees hurt, but on my back, they don't. I think this has something to do with them being slightly bent when they really much prefer to be straight. If they have to be at less than a 90 degree angle, (like sitting in a low chair at a restaurant for a few hours, oh, forgetaboutit! The pain! It's ridiculous for a 36 yr 362 day old woman!) So, the knees make it hard to sleep on my left side, but are not as bad on the right, but my right shoulder can't take the pressure more more than about a half hour. Yes, it's true. I'm a mess!

Today, I was supposed to have a girl's day with my BFF, but her 3.5 yr old (adopted from Korea!) came down with hand, foot and mouth disease and she, Hubby and I all agree that I do not need to pick up any weird germs from her right now! Especially after the events of last week.

I think that's another thing that is still throwing me for a loop. Hubby is doing as well as to be expected with the emotional roller coaster he's been on all week. His dad met with specialists at Dana Farber (can't beat living in Boston for all that ails) and needs to have a bunch more imaging done before they come up with a treatment plan. The struggle is that the current amount of alcohol and nicotine he consumes on a daily basis is so high, it would interfere with any chemo. They have to see if they can get him to cut back. Hubby is skeptical is this is at all likely. So, there's that.

And then there is BIL's (J) lost baby. I saw him on Monday night, when I went with Hubby and J and my MIL to visit their grandpa. We went out to dinner first. J has been so closed about the entire pregnancy, that I felt I couldn't even express my condolences to him. He just isn't going to talk about it. I did just look at him and say "all right, I just have to give you a big hug..." which he accepted. I had to say something. It's just not right. And it's so weird. It's like he's handicapped the ability of the rest of us to grieve our lost niece/nephew and grandson because if he's not, how can we? And he never wanted me to tell my family about the baby, so now that the baby is gone, it's like a deep dark secret swept under the rug. When I was telling my mom about Hubby seeing his dad, it felt so wrong to leave out the important impetus for that whole event going down. It just doesn't feel right. I really want to respect Hubby and J, but it's really hard for me not to be able to talk to my mom about it, and what it does to my own stress and fears over my pregnancy.

The other thing that is driving me crazy about the situation is that K was alone when she lost the baby. She hasn't yet seemed to have shared with J the entire story. I had to ask Hubby to make sure J knew that this was a still birth, not a miscarriage. There was a baby that was delivered, and he has a right to know what happened to that baby. He has a right to have the option to grieve over those remains. I understand that K went through a horrible ordeal, but she didn't even tell J about it for 4 days! It was his baby too. The whole thing is just a mess. Hopefully she's going to tell him more this weekend. She said she couldn't talk about it on a work night.

Well, I got distracted for a minute there. What I was going to tell you when I mentioned my friend and my girls day, is that I decided I'm going shopping today anyway, even by myself. I'm going to head to DSW and look at shoes. I'm having a rough time with footwear since my new maternity jeans are SO long. Why the heck are they so long? Are my legs supposed to grow too? I cannot wear flats with them. I need to find some comfy, high, easy to slip on shoes so that I don't have to worry about buckles in a few months. Thank goodness platforms are back! I also might stop at Old Navy, who is having a huge sale on maternity right now, FYI (through next weekend, I think...) And...I may even brave a Babies' R Us to check out pillows to help me figure out this sleep thing.

Well, I warned you, there wasn't much cohesive about that!

Eleven Weeks

Despite the tragedy and emotional upheaval of the past week, I need to focus on surrounding Violetta with positive energy and thoughts, and so I'm going to write my weekly update with a focus on only the things I would want her to be feeling this week. I'll add photos later. 

Violetta, we are eleven weeks into this journey, and this week, you are the size of a lime, or a fig. I choose to focus on lime, since your middle name is Margarita after all. And because I seem to be craving anything and everything sour. I bought some lime popsicles which have been heavenly. When you are big enough, I think we should make popsicles together to enjoy on hot summer days, or maybe even as soon as you are teething.

This week, you received your very first gift! (Although I'm told they were not the first to be purchased, only received.) Your cousin, Lady C, sent you a rubber giraffe, which has been one of her favorite toys since she was a wee little one. And, her parents, your Aunt R and Uncle W sent a book that Dad and I can use to figure out all the things we need and want to buy for you, and how to make sure we get them at reasonable prices. Dad started looking into car seats this weekend. It was fun to see him get excited and kick into research mode. It's something he's very good at, and often helps everyone in our family with. He would probably be very good at working for Consumer Reports.

I spent a lot of time this weekend painting my dressing table that is taking up all the space in your room. One more coat of paint, and I think it will be done. Then Dad has to find someone to help him carry it up to our room, because it definitely falls above my allowed weight limit of 20 pounds!

I also had a difficult time with my wardrobe this week. We haven't gone public with the news of your arrival yet. In another three or four weeks we will be sharing the news. The tricky part was a very early spring heat wave with temperatures nearing 80 degrees. I haven't established enough of a wardrobe to fit you yet. Everything I have that hides your bump is not meant for weather that warm. I definitely had to get creative. So, not only am I looking forward to sharing the happy news of your existence, I will be relieved when I don't need to disguise you anymore.

Only one more week until we get to see you again, my precious little lime. I can't wait!

Absorbing

We interrupt our regularly scheduled weekly update post to being you some more in depth thoughts as I try to process the events of yesterday. The weekly update will be up in a day or so when I can manage to get my picture done.

I am trying to absorb the events of yesterday, which are so much more complicated than dealing with a grieving brother-in-law and his girl friend. I feel for them so much, because from reading many of you, I have just a wee bit of an idea as to what they are going through. But it's also so strange, because they were still keeping it a secret. Even at 26 weeks. Only their parents, one grand parent (Hubby's 91 year old grandfather who they told to give him incentive to keep on going) and me and Hubby, aside from a few of their friends, knew that a baby was on the way. Our extended family in the area (all Hubby's, and extremely close knit) doesn't have a clue. I've only seen my BIL, J, a few times since learning of the news (which I wrote about in this post...and by the way, this seems to be a parenthesis filled post for some reason), and have only seen K once since then, before she was showing. She was having a really hard time with this being unexpected, not at all what she had planned for her travel filled lifestyle. She's also a very private person. She has learned of Violetta a few weeks ago, and I was so hoping that news might help her, knowing that she would have someone to relate to as she neared the end of her pregnancy. J & K still hadn't decided how they were handling their relationship, but he'd gone ahead and rented a house (right down the street from us, which Hubby is super excited about) in hopes that she would eventually decide to move in there with him. He's supposed to start moving in next month. I know J is grieving, and I'm sure K is traumatized because I'm sure she had to deliver. But what I am unsure of is if she is devastated or relieved. I feel so awful asking that question, but she had never come to terms with the fact that she was actually having a baby, and so it just might be, that after she recovers from the shock, she just might feel that way. It makes it hard to know how to help, when you want so much to form a relationship with someone, and are just now allowed to, so you have no idea how they are really feeling, and how you might be able to help them. I'm really at a loss. So, I sent them tulips. I just want them both to know that I'm thinking of them.

And that's just the beginning of the story.

Yesterday, Hubby and I woke up and were chatting in bed. I was browsing through my new Baby Bargains book that my brother and SIL sent me. We were joking about how unprepared J really is about his baby that was due to arrive in three months and how we should get him a copy of the book. We started to speculate as to whether we should coordinate infant car seat purchases so we'd have the same base, and my MIL could just buy one for her car and be able to take either baby somewhere. Hubby got all excited and started doing all sorts of online research, one of his favorite things to do. We had a bunch of errands to run, so I jumped in the shower to get ready for the day.

He knocked on the door and said, "J just called. He needs to to meet him for an hour, can you go out by yourself?" He tried to put it off, but J said, this is as big as ever. And as Hubby said, he's a circle the wagons kind of guy, so of he went. I headed to Hom.e Depo.t on my own. My mind was spinning with what could possibly be happening. I thought, she left and went back to Georgia while J was in Europe this week for work, she's giving him an ultimatum - marry me or I'm gone, and yes, the infertile mind of mine even thought that something might have happened to the baby.

I got a text from Hubby an hour or too later saying J was in a bad place, and he would be home by dinner. So, I went about my furniture painting project, and waited, trying to be patient, for Hubby to get home. Finally he called me when he was on the way, but said he would tell me everything when he got home.

He came up to Violetta's room where I was working, sighed, and sat down on a stool. I told him, he'd better get right to the point because he tends to be a long drawn out story teller and I couldn't take it right then after waiting and worrying all day. He said it was a long story. I said, start at the end. He said, "I'll start at the beginning. Kristine miscarried on Tuesday." Oh fuck. Seriously? What is up with that?! Why does this keep happening? I wish we had details. I want to know what happened and why they couldn't save the baby. I don't know if we will ever know. I hopefully J at least gets more details eventually. Since he was away for work, she waited until he got home to tell him. He got the news on Friday night.

Unfortunately, he also got some other major news on Friday night. This is where the story gets more complicated. Hubby has been estranged from his dad for 12 years. But J has still been in touch all this time. Their parents are still married, and Hubby is very close to his mom, which makes life interesting, because we can never go to her house, or see her on actual holidays. Let's see, where to dive in here with the back ground. I'll start with my MIL. She needs two new knees, and had wanted to do at least one of the surgeries before J's baby came, so she would be recovered and better able to help when the baby arrived. But then her husband started coughing up blood, and a mass was found in his throat. She put her surgery plans on hold. We offered that she could stay here during recovery because we weren't sure how well Hubby's dad would be able to help care for her, but she needs to care for his as well. You can see that with Hubby not able to go to the house, there is a lot of pressure on J, on top of his baby on the way, and moving to a new house to prepare. Well, on Friday, the biopsy results of the mass came in malignant. Hubby's dad needs either major surgery that involves temporarily removing his jaw, or 36 straight days of radiation. This is intense. As far as I know, there is not a prognosis yet until a treatment plan is selected.

So, when Hubby went to see J, and learned of the miscarriage, and saw his brother falling apart, he said he's do anything to help. J said "you have to reconcile with Dad because I can't do all of this by myself." So, they got in the car and headed right to their parents house. No one was home. MIL works retail and is gone most Saturdays. J knew his dad would be at the local bar (just a hint of the reason why Hubby hasn't spoken to him in all of these years, but we don't need to get into that now). They drove to the bar. With Hubby hiding in the car, J went in and told his dad he needed to come home right then.

Their dad walked in the living room and saw Hubby there. I won't go into all the details, but it was a little rough at first. J explained about the lost baby. Hubby told him about our baby and that he wants his dad to know one of his grandchildren, and that he was there to help with the cancer. I have to imagine that emotions were all over the place. J called their mom and told her she had to come home right then. She was so excited when she saw Hubby in her house for the first time in 12 years, until they told her about the baby. She's devastated. She apparently had a trunk filled with two of everything that she's been waiting for the right moment to start giving to her two grand children. When J & Hubby were finally leaving, she told Hubby to shake his dad's hand. His dad hugged him instead, and all four of them had a big group hug.

I couldn't believe when Hubby told me all of that, that it all happened in the 5 hours he had been gone. It was quite a bit to take it. He has very mixed emotions about seeing his dad, and I think he's still processing. He sort of feels that he's just coming back to help his mom watch his dad die. I can't imagine the prognosis is good. He's an alcoholic chain smoker who has been through cancer before and still drinks and smokes all day. It's really sad.

So yeah, that's how I went from browsing through car seats I could share with my BIL to thinking about supporting Hubby and his family through his dad's cancer, his mom's knee replacement, his brother's loss, let alone reinforcing the fear I have that something will go wrong with my pregnancy, all while I try to be happy and optimistic and surround Violetta with positive energy. Is it any wonder that my head is completely spinning right now? I'm just really not sure how to react, what to feel, what to do.

All I know is that I'm really glad that the Resolve meeting for pregnancy after infertility is tomorrow because I am more freaked out than ever at the moment. And the next few months are going to be a really bumpy ride.

Not really sure what to say

My brother-in-law's girlfriend miscarried on Tuesday. I believe she was about 26 weeks but they haven't been sharing a lot of details so I can't be sure. He was in Europe and just found out last night. All he knows is she started bleeding and went to the hospital. The story is much longer and more complicated concerning the rest of Hubby's family, but I'll tell you all about that later. Right now, so sad for Violetta's lost cousin and for another young woman's naivete lost...and so paranoid I'm ready to go Doppler shopping.


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

When will it be real?

Will it be real in a week and a half at the NT scan, when I get to see Violetta again, and hopefully hear her heartbeat for the first time? Will it be real at our 18 week anatomy scan when we find out if she really is a Violetta or a Luigi? Will it be real when I feel her move for the first time? Will it be real when her daddy gets to feel her kick? Will it be real when we get to hold her in our arms? Or will we have to wait until she walks across the stage in a cap and gown to finally accept that this is happening?

Right now, I am an existing in such a surreal state. I feel incredibly fatigued, although the extra iron (when I can remember to take it) is starting to help. I feel queasy all day long. I feel bloated and disgusting after I eat, and still haven't figured out how to eat smaller meals. Although I'm on top of the snacks. I'm breaking out on my back, forehead and neck. My nails are growing at lightening speeds. I'm craving weird things like sour patch kids. I get up every night to pee, sometimes more than once. I can smell everything, and it all smells bad! I have not one drop of spotting since implantation. And still, I spend almost every minute holding my breath, so scared that something is going to go wrong.

Especially after L's email yesterday. As much as I ache for her, I so did not need to hear that yesterday. It was my first day without crinone, and I managed to make myself so paranoid that I decided to take it every other day until 12 weeks since I still have some left. It seems like most people take it until 12 weeks anyway. I'm not sure why I got to stop at ten weeks without so much as a blood test.

I knew I would be worried. I knew this would be hard. But I just didn't realize how much. I so want to be excited. I'm trying to be with my weekly updates, and beginning to tell a few strategic friends and family. But I am really, really nervous. Of course, the queasy nervous feeling I have in my stomach all day doesn't help matters very much. It is also hard to be excited about the future when I just feel like crap all. the. time. Thankfully (although it would be more reassuring) I have not been vomiting.

My RE said it's very common in pregnant infertiles to spend our time waiting for the other shoe to drop. This seems to be a phrase I have come across countless times recently from others in my situation. She said I have to pick a date and just accept that if everything is going to be ok, it's time to be excited and go to babies r us. She threw out ten weeks. Well, yeah, not gonna happen. Not gonna happen until 12w1d when I finally get to see Violetta again and learn that all is looking good. I'm really hoping that I will be able to relax at that point.

I'm having some trouble reading some blogs lately. My long time stories, I have no problem sticking with. But newer stories, especially newly pregnant women who are having issues, are really freaking me out. I've never been a huge commenter, so maybe these people will not notice if I take a break for a bit. I might need to. I am an unmedicated, un-therapied, anxiety ridden, pregnant infertile after all. There is a group at the my local Resolve for pregnancy after infertility. It meets on Monday. I think I will be there. Hopefully that will help.

Disclaimer: Please know that as hard a time as I am having emotionally and rationally at the moment, I am incredibly grateful to have finally made it here. But pregnancy is hard, just as infertility, parenting and plain old life are hard. Any complaints I might make about being pregnant in no way, shape or form lessen the gratitude I feel to finally experience them. 

Getting It

In this land of IF, we so unwillingly occupy, we all "get it." We understand the range of emotions and reactions we each might have to a situation, especially a pregnancy announcement, in a way regular old fertiles never could. As comforting as it is to have a community of people out there who "get it," it is always devastating to witness another enter our ranks.

I received an email from one of my best high school friends (not one of the three I just saw) today. I had actually commented to them that I hadn't heard from L in a while and I needed to check in. I had planned to wait a few more weeks until I was comfortable coming out with my news. She's one of the people who has been most informed about my struggle with IF, although I hadn't mentioned our third cycle to her yet.

She began her email by apologizing to me for possibly not saying the right thing, or giving me the right support throughout my journey. She was realizing just how easy it is to say the wrong thing. You see, she had to have a D&C yesterday for a baby due in September who had stopped growing. Her happy, naive baby making attitude has been forever crushed. She got pregnant with her first on the first try. Her second took a few months longer than she had anticipated, but was still fairly quick in the grand scheme. I don't know if she was trying for this third or not. All I know is that the baby is gone.

That her first thought in her email to me was of how she had been as a friend to me throughout my journey...well, I just don't have the words. At the end of the email, she apologized again, saying that before this happened to her, at the very least, she didn't "get it." She does now. I wish she didn't

I immediately wrote her back. I'm not sure I did the right thing. I told her she was amazing for thinking of me first, and that she had been an amazing friend. I told her I was so sorry to hear of her angel baby. And then I told her that I hadn't planned to tell her just yet, but I didn't want her to worry about me any more while she was grieving. I told her that I'm ten weeks. I told her that I understand if she can't be excited for me. I just don't want her to worry about my struggle while she is suffering. Did I do the right thing? I had to write her back right away, and I felt if in a few weeks, I called to tell her I was 14 weeks, she would have felt hurt that I didn't tell her now, that I let her think I was still suffering too. What's done is done. I just hope it wasn't awful of me. What do you all think?

God, I wish we all didn't have to "get it."

Ten Weeks

This week, I had my first official appointment with my actual OB. It was fairly uneventful, with no ultrasounds or evidence of your little heart beating. But, it was good to final see our actual doctor and talk about the process for the next several months. We found out that we will be able to find out if you are a boy or a girl in about another 8 weeks. I'm hoping we can fit that in before Mother's Day, because we are planning to go visit your Granny that weekend, and we'd love to surprise her with that news. 

We shared the news of your impending arrival with your uncle J, Dad's brother, on Monday night. He was quite excited because he is expecting a baby in June, and he is moving right down the road from us. We are excited for you to have the chance to grow up closely with your cousin. We also got to Skype with your Uncle W and Aunt R. We asked your cousin, Lady C, what she thought about having a new cousin. Of course, she's too little to understand what we were asking her, but it was funny to see the puzzled looks on her parents' faces! Right now, they live in England, so it's a little difficult to arrange chats. If things go well after you arrive, we may take you there for a visit before I would have to go back to work, so you can play with Lady C and her little brother, who will also arrive in June. Yes, have I mentioned, there are going to be a lot of babies this year?!

The biggest event of my week involved a quick trip to Washington DC to meet up with my best friends from high school, T, M & N. T is getting married this April, so we wanted to talk her out for a little bachelorette celebration. T was very surprised when we showed up on her front door! Before we got there, I met M & N at our hotel and they asked me what was up with me. M stared me right in the eye and I knew she was asking me if I was pregnant. You'll learn that I am a terrible liar. I have no poker face at all. (I hope that you'll be the same way so I'll always know when you're up to no good.) I blurted out that I had told your Dad that I wouldn't last thirty seconds if I was directly confronted and they both squealed and gave me a big group hug. I had planned to wait until the wedding in April to tell them, and in fact, had planned my wardrobe quite carefully to try to hide it from them, including packing one of your Dad's t-shirts to sleep in so they wouldn't see my little bump. Ah well, the best laid plans. 

So Violetta, I know you have been anxiously awaiting the weekly comparison of your size to something edible. This week, think prune or kumquat, but don't ask me what a kumquat is! I have no idea. Maybe when you start eating solid foods, we'll buy one for you to try. 

*posted a day late