What now?

First, let me say that I am unbelievably touched by the outpouring or love and support you all are sending my way. I have heard from so many of you who rarely comment, and some who have never commented, in the last few days. And of course, those of you who are here all the time. it was just what I needed to make it through the day. Every time my eyes teared up, I would see another message or two in my inbox. Invaluable.

So, I know this is not over til the fat lady sings hcg drops. But, I am preparing for a failure. If I get a happy surprise tomorrow, then isn't that nice.

I have decided I need to take some steps to improve our embryo quality naturally. When I've asked my doctor about supplements, or anything else I can do to improve my eggs, she has said that the only thing I can do is lower my BMI. Well, we all know how hard that is. And the fact that I'm holding steady, maybe up 2-3 pounds after two IVFs is something I'm proud of. But, I guess, I need to find a way to step it up. Hubby has been wanting to loose weight and get healthier too, so hopefully we can help each other with that one.

But, I don't believe her that it's the only thing I can do. I need your help ladies. I need some books. I already have Making Babies. What other books out there have you found helpful when trying to take on lifestyle changes to beat IF? And in addition to books, what things have you done, supplements have you tried, etc, that you feel have/will make a difference?


It's likely that we'll have some time off before our next cycle. We're pretty set on getting a second opinion before moving forward. And it will take time to schedule appointments, etc. So, it seems like a great time to start getting that genetic material into shape for the next go round, don't you think?

(By the way, this is me being brave, and strong because I have to make it through the work week, which also happens to be fashion show week. If this plays out the way I expect it too, you can fully expect a meltdown from me in the next few days.)

It doesn't look good

11

That's it. How the hell does that even show on a HPT? I took another expired one this morning, and still had a line, but it makes me worry that the number is already on it's way down from yesterday. The nurse said in her message that it could go either way, but I don't believe her. It think it's chemical. I guess I'll know on Wednesday after I go back for more blood.

I wish my stupid company was closed for the holiday. At least there's not a lot of people here today.

Not too much else to say.

Hope is still alive...barely.

Well ladies, I took two tests this morning. I took a picture but it didn't really show what I wanted you to see. The first test was  a new FRER, taken at 6 am after 4 hours not peeing (I woke up at 2 am). It has a line so faint that at 6:15, Hubby said he couldn't see it, and I wasn't sure if I was hallucinating it. But, I've seen enough stark white negatives to know that something was happening on that damn stick. So, I couldn't let it rest.

The second an old, expired a year ago FRER that I got free from Resolve, was taken 3.5 hours later, and had a slightly darker line, still barely discernible, but at least it had a tinge of pink, unlike the first, which was so light it just looked like a damp spot.

I wish the lines were darker. I am so afraid of another chemical. It's 15dpo, 13dp3dt. Does anyone have a success story to share with a line this light at this point? I'm so paranoid. I'm feeling crampier, and my ovaries are a bit achy, which has been a sign of AF in the past. I also had a headache when I woke up. A bit of lower back pain as well.

I wish something could be simple. It would be so nice just to run from the bathroom with a definitive answer. I have two more expired tests in the house. I'm going to take another one tomorrow and hope that the line is darker.

But, and Hubby and I keep reminding ourselves, Pregnant Until Prove Otherwise, right? I guess I might as well act as such!

Oh, and I haven't said it nearly enough lately, but you all know it. Thanks so much for the never ending support through this crazy roller coaster ride. I don't know how I would be surviving without you. May we all make it off with a big smile on our face someday.

Oh Golly Gee

Oh golly gee, I have to pee, 

'Cause if I don't, I'll go crazy. 

I need to know what is to be.

Pretty please, I want a baby. 

*  *  *

One more day. That's right. I am testing tomorrow. Beta is Monday, but I can't wait any longer. You ay remember that I had wanted to test on Sunday all along, thinking I'd have a day without needing to see people to sit with my news either way. But then, Hubby's Grandparent's anniversary was planned, and I was going to be with family all day. 

Well, unfortunately, poor Gramma has be afflicted with ecoli! She should be fine, ultimately, but is feeling quite under the weather right now, so the party has been cancelled. 

Meaning, Hubby and I have no where to be tomorrow. I convinced him that I needed to test. Not only to have the day, but because I have a lot to get done on Monday at work, and would have been completely useless. He tried to convince me then to wait until Tuesday! He clearly doesn't understand the issue. What ever the news, I will be able to focus and get my work done...as long as I know that that news is. But, having to get shit done while still waiting just doesn't work. 

He admitted that he's a bit nervous to know the answer. He wants this family, but he feels a lot of stress being the man, making nearly twice as much as I do, needing to pay for college and a wedding someday. 

I told him, that even if we get good news on Monday (or tomorrow!) we still have to wait for doubling betas, yolk sacs and fetal tubes, heart beats and NT scans, a healthy delivery. The list goes on and on. There is too much to worry about in the next 8 months to bother worrying about college in 18 years and a wedding in 30! 

Anyway, I have no idea what tomorrow will bring. I am optimistic, but guarded. I read back through my posts from last time. I have experienced a lot of the same things, but not all. I had cramping around implantation both times, but noticed spotting just this time. Last time, I wrote that I felt nothing starting about 4 days before beta. This time, I feel like the twinges are decreasing in intensity, but I still feel them. This time, I'm also feeling a lot more very low level nausea. I don't remember this from last time. Who knows what it al means. Hopefully something good! 

Oh Violetta, we are so ready for you!

Today, it is going to be a beautiful 80 degree day! Crazy for October in New England. I am going to finish planting my bulbs, and we're having friends over for a cookout later tonight. Hopefully it will keep my mind occupied fairly well until tomorrow. 

We'll see!

And the Winner is...

Commenter number 8....Christina from Two's Company. Three's a Family! Congrats!

That's right, it was time to choose the winner for my giveway. So, Christina, when you have a chance, email me your address, and I will get your bracelet in the mail to you.

Other than choosing the winner, and turning 36.5 yesterday, not too much else is going on. Just waiting. Work is picking up a but, thankfully! I'm still feeling really tired. I came home tonight and took a nap before cleaning up the kitchen. Now I have to see about some dinner. Hubby is out tonight, so dinner will probably be cheese and crackers! And yes, this is turning into a tired, hormonal ramble.

One potentially new symptom to report today though...when I took a walk to my usual sandwich spot for lunch, I felt like I could barely breathe, and was super exhausted. And this is a walk I typically do multiple times a week! Trying to not to read too much in, yet remain optimistic at the same time.

Ah, the joys of the two week wait!

Monday

Yup, well, this day is turning out to be just at thrilling as last Friday was. Maybe I really should use my free time figuring out how to blog text around in a spiral. It would certainly occupy my mind.

Beta is one week from today. By this time in the day, I would imagine I will have my answer. Well, I will in fact, because I do plan to test again at home that morning so I can be prepared. I really wanted to test on Sunday. I figure 15dpo should be long enough for something to show, right? And how nice, to have the day at home to take in the news, whatever it may be. I'm not lucky enough to have Colum.bus Day off. My husbands thinks that our industry sold it's soul to the devil traded C Day for the day after Thanksgiving many moons ago.

Right, so testing on Sunday. Great idea, right? Until I learned that we have to go spend the afternoon with Hubby's family celebrating his grandparent's 65th anniversary. Which, don't get me wrong, is an amazing accomplishment that should be celebrated. But on that day, of all days, I am going to be in no shape to put on a happy face and make small talk with 20 of Hubby's closest relatives in some bad old-person's Italian/Seafood restaurant that serves baked-stuffed scallops as their specialty, and takes 4 hours to get through a meal, in a dark dining room with too much wood and red vinyl, and not enough day light, on a day when it's supposed to be sunny and beautiful and in the 70s, and just happens to be the day I wanted to find out if I'm pregnant!

But I'm sure you would all agree, that right before this event is not the time to find out the answer to that question! Maybe, if I don't pee the whole time at the restaurant, I can save up a good pee and test when I get home?

It's the madness...the madness of boredom I tell you. Look how great I did all weekend with plenty of stuff to do. I'm beginning to see the logic in people who take leave for their entire cycle. I wouldn't be of much use, even if I did have something to do. But it would be easier, without a doubt.

So, on another topic...crinone. Last time, barely an issue. This time, I'm definitely getting the mess. I felt like almost my entire dose hit the toilet 3 hours after I put it in yesterday. It's a little bit freaky. I worry, should I put in more? And today, I'm getting little drips and drabs, that are definitely tinged light brownish. I'm trying to remain optimistic and think, this must be from implantation bleeding that goes with the cramps I've been feeling, right? Right?!

Also today, something that almost looks like ewcm on the tissue. Wasn't quite expecting to see that at this point. And by the way, the fact that we are all such toilet paper crime scene investigators really is somewhat comical, in a I don't know what else to do, so I'll laugh kind of way.

Lastly, last time, I was pretty well stopped up, you know, digestively speaking. I never took the recommended stool softener, but I was downing the bene.fiber like there was no tomorrow. This time, I am the opposite. Mostly moving just fine, and sometimes having to make a run for it. Who knows what that means.

OK, before I get back to work and try to fill the next 4 hours until I get to leave and go to some horrible networking event, I will share the story of the "Mad Hormonal Woman vs the Smoke Detector."

Saturday night, when Hubby and I got home around 9:30, I was exhausted, so I went up to bed. I red a chapter of my book and then turned out the light and snuggled into the pillow.

beep

Seriously? Another smoke detector that needs batteries? Maybe if I just ignore it, I'll fall asleep, and Hubby will hear it and change it.

Sure enough, a few minutes went by, and I didn't hear it again. Whew.

Some hours later, Hubby was in bed now too.

beep


But again, there is usually a second beep within about a minute. I was barely awake and again thought I'd be better off ignoring it. Why I ever thought that was a good idea, I will never know. I'm about as good of a sleeper as the Princess and the Pea.

I should also tell you, living in a split level house amounts to a lot of these devices. Especially when you add in the carbon monoxide detectors to the mix. Bordering on the one stairwell that connects our main floor to the two bedrooms to our bedroom, there are no less than 6 of these devices. Have fun just trying to figure out which one is doing the beeping to begin with!

beep




beep


beep


beep
beep

By 6 in the morning (it was still pitch black mind you, so it felt like the middle of the night) the beeping was too frequent to ignore. I rolled out of bed and grabbed the step ladder which is still in our room from when I painted, and headed out to the landing, with every intention of taking down every single device until I was sure which one was the culprit.

As I had my hands on the one out side the bathroom

beep

from the one behind be a the base of the stair in the living room. I grabbed on, and tried to pull it loose. And tried,

beep

and pulled

beep

and twisted.

beep

By this point I was shaking. I yelled to Hubby..."how the hell do I get this thing down???"

"You have to twist it!"

beep

I'm pretty sure I was twisting. Nothing was happening. In a fit of hysteria, I screamed, the scream of an insane woman "you have to come down here and do this!!!" And then I stomped into the bathroom. Hubby came down, and took the offending device off the ceiling.

beep

I emerged, enraged from the bathroom..."you have to take out the battery! where is it?!"

"On the floor." I couldn't see it.

"WHERE on the floor?!?"

beep

I snatched it up. He had in fact taken the battery out. Of course he did. That is what you are supposed to do.

"Why the hell is is still beeping?" I roared. "I'm going to smash it with a hammer!" This is the line Hubby found especially entertaining. He told me to throw it outside. I opted for wrapping it in a blanket, and shoving it under the covers on the couch.

Finally...silence.

Exhausted, shaking, and nearly in tears, I stumbled back up the stairs. But still, I made Hubby show me on the one outside the bathroom how the hell he had gotten it down. "Oh, well, there's this little pin you have to take out, and then you twist it."

A little pin? Are you f-ing kidding me?

A Weekend Full of Distraction

Roy getting into the Halloween spirit

First of all, don't forget to enter my giveway. Only two days left, and I know there are more than 7 followers out there!

It is much easier to stay distracted when one actually has something to do! This was a very full and fun weekend.

Hubby and I started by heading into Boston for dinner. We went to a new place called Max Brenner. He is a chocolatier who has branched off into the restaurant world. It was a fun place. It smelled heavenly, of rich chocolate. That was probably my favorite part. The food was fine. They give you the dessert menu first so you know not to eat too much for dinner. My dessert was ok...a chocolate chocolate chip cookie with chocolate sauce, berries, and whipped cream. It would have been better if the cookie was just a little chewier. And I was little disappointed that the actual meals didn't feature more chocolate. I mean come on, mole sauce...perfect opportunity! All in all though, it was a fun night out with Hubby. The restaurant is on the 700 block of Boylston St, where I used to work many moons ago. It was fun to walk around and see how much the area had grown since I worked down there every day. We browsed around Crat.e & Barrel, and strolled down Newbury Street as well. 

Saturday, Hubby had to go to work for a bit, so I went out to get some bulbs and mums and did some gardening. It's my first attempt at bulbs, so we'll see how things turn out next spring!

Saturday night, we went to dinner and a movie with a friend. We saw Driver. Good movie, but extremely, graphically violent. I had to close my eyes often. The good news is, that I could always tell in advance when I needed to. 

This morning, I had one last acupuncture appointment, at 8dpo and 5dp3dt, hopefully perfectly timed to help out with implantation. 

This afternoon, Hubby and I headed back into Boston to check out the SoWa Open Market and Vintage Market. we found a great 12x12 piece of art with green stripes to hang in our dining room, for only $25. And Hubby found a gorgeous vintage cocktail ring, sterling silver with amethysts and something amber colored that he bought for me. 

Tonight, we had a friend over for the Patriots (timed delayed thanks to Tivo) and had our first fire in our fireplace. We couldn't use it all last year because of a chimney issue that has since been resolved. I also broke out the Halloween decorations, since it is October now!

So, needless to say, my own time is not the issue, it's being stuck at work without a deadline to inspired me to get shit done that is the problem! We'll see what tomorrow brings. 

Lastly, I feel the need for my own sake to document a few symptoms. Friday night, I woke up because of a really acute sustained cramp and back ache. It was definitely crampy feeling I am not familiar with. It had me awake for about a hour. Not fun. But the timing could be good for implantation...maybe? Other than that, not too much cramping. A little bit here and there, more so in the evening the last two days. Definitely a slight feeling of heaviness. And bloated especially after meals. My boobs are just slightly sore. I'm feeling very mildly nasueas at times, especially when I haven't eaten in awhile. 

OK, I just remembered that I didn't even tell you about my crazed hormonal run-in with our smoke detector. Maybe I'll write about that tomorrow from work when I get bored! In any case, definitely feeling increasingly irritable!