Moody

I have been moody and grumpy over the last few days. I'm not really sure why. Well, I guess I am. I guess it's just hormones, right? Not anything that I have any control over.

I know I've written at times about issues with perfectionism, and issues with feeling like I never get done all of the supposedly fun projects that I want to get done. I feel like the fatigue I am battling has added an extra element of panic here. I used to come home from work and always be working on some project or another, usually on my computer, while watching TV. But these days, all I seem to be able to manage is the TV watching. I have Blurb book photo album of the first 6 years of my life with Hubby that I want to finish before the baby comes, so that I can then just do one family album a year after that. I haven't touched it in weeks. I feel like I should be researching baby gear and deciding what to register for, blogging more here and on my other house projects blog. Corresponding with friends who have good baby advice to offer. And I just can't manage any of it. The weekends give me 2-4 hours of actual productivity when I'm not feeling in a groggy haze, or an extreme need to nap. But, half of that is usually spent on laundry or some other chore. I feel like I will never dig myself out of this haze, or my piling to do list.

I've been spending a lot of time alone on the weekends as well. Hubby has been killing himself to work on the deck we are adding to our house. He's doing an awesome job, but it's taking up a lot of his time. In addition to that, he's spent at least one day a weekend for the past two months helping his brother move into the new house he's renting, and a complete snails pace. They have already installed all new locks, bought carpets, replaced toilet seats, moved and set up the TVs, and J still hasn't scheduled his movers. He's on his second month of overlapping leases. But hey, it's his money. I just remind Hubby on occasion that once we hit the third trimester, his weekends are mine. There will have to be a hiatus on helping friends and family.

I'm also working myself into a tizzy trying to find a time to have two baby showers, one here in Boston, and one in upstate NY where my mom lives. Between Hubby's cousin being tree weeks ahead of me, and having a shower this summer, his other cousin getting married three weeks before my due date (we have no idea when that shower might be), our trip to the Vineyard in August, my mom going to spend two weeks with my brother in August to help with his new baby, and the fact that she's a teacher, and I really want to fit both showers in during the summer so she doesn't have to deal with them once school starts, and my due date is quickly approaching, well, I'm just not sure how I can make it happen the way I want. And I waited so long for this, that I'm being whiny and annoying about getting what I want! I can't help it!

My MIL is planning to throw the shower here, but I really want my mom to be able to be there. See, I want to have the shower in my house, which has already been debated thoroughly. Hubby and MIL think there is not enough room. But when we realistically look at the guest list, I think we can make it work. I just like house showers so much better, and there isn't anyone else with the appropriate house to host it. Aside from preferring the intimacy of house showers, I don't want MIL to have to spend the money on a restaurant right now with all the medical expenses she has from her husband. It also gives me the opportunity to control what it all looks like. (perfectionism issues again). But honestly, the only friend I have who is crafty enough at throwing parties to be able to out do what I would do for myself is way to busy this summer with her own sisters wedding for me to even dream of asking for her help. I'm just hoping that by some miracle she'll actually be free on the date we pick so she can simply attend. Which leaves me to do the crafty part if either of these showers are going to come close to meeting my vision. Goodness, I could use some local friends like Kelly or Carlia right about now!

So, yes, while my mom might not need to attend the shower in Boston if she is throwing one in NY, I really need her here to help me. See, MIL might be the official hostess, but she's not really physically capable of helping with the prep or the clean-up due to her weight and bad knees. I was crying this all out to Hubby last night, which then brought me back to my favorite complaint of how I have no friends (or very, very few). The women that we hang out with mostly are all childless by choice and have made it very clear they want nothing to do with baby showers. And yesterday, I found out that one of the two friends I have left in my office is giving her notice next week. So that didn't help at all.

Goodness I sound like a whiny bitch. I know, but sometimes you just gotta blog it out to move on.

And then, I have completely freaked myself out, however irrationally, that something is wrong with the baby. I was starting to feel very occasional bubbles, but I haven't really felt anything in a few days. I had to fly to Buffalo for the day on Tuesday, and now I'm convinced the flight hurt the baby. I keep hoping to feel those bubbles again. My pregnant or new mom friends, how long did it take for you to start feeling daily movement? We have a scan on Wednesday, so hopefully I will get some reassurance soon. But yes, I am making myself crazy.

All right, I feel like I have more to vent about, but I was actually just given a task to do at work, so I suppose I should get moving on that. Thanks for listening!