Aches & Pains

As I think we are all painfully aware, Infertility Sucks. Yup, it blows the big one, big time. Especially on days like Mother's Day. I am certain that many of you had a completely craptastic day on Sunday. And I am so sorry for that. I boycotted the day last year myself. It was right as we were starting our first of three IVFs, and I just couldn't put on the fake face that day. I know it is hard. I'm sorry it is hard, and I hope every day that those of you who are still trying will find a timely way out of the Land of IF.

And so yes, a part of me feels just a wee bit guilty complaining right now. Because, as I said, Infertility is hard. But so is Pregnancy, Parenthood and life in general. But you know what feels really freaking hard to me right about now, Pregnancy AFTER IF. And here's why. I was 34 when I tossed the pills into the trash. I thought I'd get pregnant right away, and deliver shortly after turning 35. I know I wasn't young to begin with, but at least I hadn't reached the dreaded AMA yet. Well, as we all know, things didn't turn out the way I had planned, and it took nearly 3 years to get that BFP. Now, I will be delivering shortly after I turn 37 and a half. So, let's just say, an additional 3 years of wear and tear on a body before pregnancy is not making for an easy pregnancy, at least in the aches and pains department. I'm incredibly grateful to not have run into any complications with the baby as of yet. 

I've had achy knees for quite some time, which were mostly under control before I got pregnant. Until all the muscles and ligaments in my body started to relax. And now the thought of squatting to the floor is a near impossibility. (not that I was great at that to begin with)

I've suffered with rotater issues in my shoulders for a long time as well, which had been under control thanks to a contoured foam pillow and better ergonomics at work. There was a time when I couldn't sleep on my right side. I thought that time had passed.  Until all the muscles and ligaments in my body started to relax. Now, I am not supposed to sleep on my back, and sleeping on either side is causing me so much pain in my shoulders that this morning, the weight of my water glass was too much to bear, and I had to pick it up with both hands. (I know, I know, differing opinions on sleep position. Just going by what by OB told me). 

I've worn bifocals since high school, and have pretty much used contacts as often as possible. I haven't had a problem reading my computer screen (which I am in front of all day most days) in quite some time. Until all the muscles and ligaments in my body started to relax. Now, the magnifying add to my multifocal contacts is no longer sufficient to compensate for the fact that the muscles around my eyes doesn't want to do the focusing, and I had to break out the glasses. Not such a big deal, except for switching to sunglasses throughout the say, which are not prescription. Thankfully, I'm not that blind unless I'm trying to read. And, I've been told that pregnancy is not the time for  a new prescription, so I just have to wait it out before I can make any changes, if that's what I really need.

Anyway, I started this post two days ago, and have now sort have forgotten where I was going with it. The gist is, I ache, I'm in pain, it's hard to see, it's hard to sleep, and I'm in a funk. Sometimes I wish I was capable of just being a happy person when life is really going my way. I feel completely ridiculous for being down right about now. But, it's true, I've battled anxiety and depression to some extent for years. And I'm struggling a bit right now. The lack of sleep, aches and hormones are not helping matters. I'm about to shut down the computer and go see my beautiful baby and find out if it's a Violetta or a Luigi, and I really hope that that knowledge will snap me out of my funk and help be get to a more excited and joyful place.