Pregzilla

OK, I'm going to be a whiny, bitchy, hormonal pregnant woman for a few minutes. Tonight, over dinner, Hubby told me that he learned that his mom had told her parents about Violetta. She finally had permission from my BIL to tell them about his lost baby, and decided that it was appropriate for her to share our news at the same time.

This pisses me off on many levels. First of all, it's not her news to share. She has never once asked us when/how we planned to share the news with her family. I know that we've started to tell friends and coworkers, but I really wanted to wait until after my next round of screening blood work in one more week before we tell family. Telling people at work this past week was out of necessity of not being able to hide it anymore. The same goes with some of the friends we've told. We had agreed that because Hubby's family is local, we wanted to tell them in person, and have been aiming for potentially Mother's Day.

So, yeah, not her news to tell. She never even asked if it was ok if she told anyone. I can't help but compare to my mom, who did ask, and I specifically told her that I wanted to tell our family myself, but she could tell her friends and neighbors if she wanted too.

The second thing that bothers me greatly about this is having the news of our baby lumped in as a consolation prize for the loss of our niece/nephew. I can't really explain why this bothers me, maybe it's some weird, indescribable maternal instinct, but it just doesn't feel right to me. "J was having a baby, but it was still born, but guess what, Jen & Hubby are having a baby too, so we still get to be excited for someone." I mean, I know this situation is very complicated on many levels, and it is helpful for J's sake if people are aware and can be sensitive to the situation, but still. I also know that my MIL is going through a lot with her husband's cancer (he'll be started radiation 5 days a week for 7 weeks in two weeks time, along with weekly chemo, but from what I'm told, the prognosis is good. It will be rough though because he'll need a feeding tube.) But still, if she needed to be able to have our happy news to share with our family, then at least just ask us when we planned to tell them, and if we minded if she did it for us. Maybe this is making me so angry because I have waited for so long to get to this point, and I want my time in the sun, and instead it's being dampened by all of this other shit that is happening to Hubby's family right now. (do I sound like an awful person, or what?) There are a lot of people going through a lot of shit, but I'm beginning to feel like everyone really needs to focus on their own shit and not get so caught up in everyone else, because it is not freaking healthy. And despite the fact that people need support, I need to keep a bit of a distance so that I can stay in a relaxed and calm mental place.

I did in fact express much of this annoyance to Hubby this evening after he informed that his grandparent now know. After dinner, we were sitting on the couch watching TV, and his mom called. She told him that she now told her brother and her sister too!

Excuse me, what the fuck? Why does she think this is ok to take away her son's moment that he has also been working and waiting for? He had wanted to tell them all in person! Now that his aunt and uncle know, there's no point in us thinking about being able to tell his cousins. And he can't express that he's a little miffed (can't even admit it really) because of everything that she's going through. He's like, well, we never said what our intentions were...that doesn't mean she shouldn't freaking ask first!!! I don't really care. It's not ok, and I'm not going to act like it is. It's going to take everything I have when I see these people who I didn't get to tell, and they congratulate me, not to say something snide like "Yeah, I'm really sorry we didn't get to tell you in person. We were looking forward to seeing your reaction." It just might come out. And I just might blame it on the hormones. The thing is, it's a boundary that was crossed, and it needs to be known. I have to defend my boundaries or they will be crossed more often, and I'm really not ok with that!

I told you I was going to be bitchy, whiny and hormonal. I think I might be a little bit of a pregzilla at the moment. I'm hoping that blogging it out will help me let it go. Ok, I'm done now. Time to try to go to bed, and actually sleep for more than two consecutive hours at a time.